By David Gilcrease
Revised October 20, 2004
I have noticed over the past year a significant change in number and show up of the 17-year-old teens entering the program. There is a strong sense of entitlement many of these kids are bringing into the program. Many feel used and abused by parents who would interpret their life since they are "adults." As parents we have not given our children a reality check as to what being a responsible adult encompasses. I know we have all tried, but somehow many of the teens I see are not getting the message. This is not surprising since most did not want to get any message other then doing whatever they pleased.
This creates a problem for the family and the program. Many are strongly committed to holding out until they reach their 18th birthday and then returning home to pick up where they left off. They choose not to work the program to create change. Often they are merely complying with some of the program to just get along. What can you do as a parent to assist your child in the change process? You cannot do your child’s program; this must be a choice made by your child. However, you as parents can assist your family by creating a firm value structure for your home and insisting your son or daughter is in alignment with this structure if they are to return. In the Premier seminars, a very clear message is given to the students that the game is over. They cannot and will not be allowed to continue the same old stuff upon return to the home. If this is their intention - not to change - then it is time for them to set up their own living environment. As much as we coach on change, life skills and reality, most teens believe the parents will allow them to return home AS IS and RETURN TO THE OLD LIFE STLYE!
An Exit Plan should cover the following items:
- A ticket to wherever you choose upon leaving the program
We recommend a bus ticket. There is some value in traveling across country in a slower mode of transportation.
- How much money you will provide
- Clothes you may give them from the house
- Any furniture or other items you may be willing to give them
- Limited housing assistance (not long term)
- Major Medical Health Insurance
- Communication plan
- A re-entry plan
The goal is to allow the parents to know they released their young adult with love and clarity. I see the Exit Plan as a means to reduce the conflict and guilt often created when a decision is made in the heat of the moment. The plan is for you the parents. What will work for you to prevent your home from returning to the same state it was in before the program? Clearly our commitment in the program is not to have this happen, but sometimes it does. An Exit Plan is not a threat to get your child moving. Your child has reached a point in life where they are making adult choices. Making a working decision requires information. An Exit Plan is merely giving them ACCURATE and TRUTHFUL information.
I have seen the power of clear communication with the teens. If they know what you expect and know nothing less than change will work, it closes the door on some fantasy about going home unchanged. An Exit Plan is not about a punishment or a threat. It is merely about acknowledging what is. If your child chooses to leave the program before completion, it is time for them to move into their own life. It is not that you do not love them. But their unwillingness to really work at the gift you gave them is an indication of their lack of commitment to having things be different. I often see parents going into hope that “they have learned enough to come home and be different.” Please examine this statement. You are giving them an extraordinary gift in the program. What is their focus if they are willing to walk out when they are incomplete? I suggest this is a pattern you have seen often in your life. Do not buy it now. The Exit Plan is not about “kicking your teen out.” It is the path to building a new relationship. IMPORTANT: Do not put anything in the plan you are NOT willing to do. If you back off what you tell them, you are opening the door to a continued game of one-up-man-ship. This was the game before the program. It did not work then and will not work with your 18-year-old. Create a plan you and your spouse can live with. Remember the plan is not to punish the child, but to allow you to send them out with some support. I would not make it an attractive plan, but again would not just throw them out.
An Exit Plan should be developed between the parents. All parents (natural and step) should have input to the plan. Hopefully if a split family is involved, we will be able to work together. If not then make a plan only for your home. Every plan will be different since each family is different. It must be one in which you the parents can live by. While you will not be happy if you have to implement your plan, it is critical to supporting your overall home value frame.
Some form of transportation from the program needs to be supplied; a bus or plane ticket from the program to the home area. I would give them limited cash for food. I suggest $30 for the trip home. I recommend a bus ticket. There is value in your child traveling by a means which would “welcome” them to the real world.
I recommend not giving them significant amounts of cash directly. Pay any cash directly to the people involved. Example: if you are going to assist them in getting into a room, pay the money directly to a landlord, not your child. Put a limit on the time you are willing to support lodging. If you are going to give them a hotel for a week or two, make the time frame clear. I suggest getting them a room, not an apartment. I would pay for this for 1 month, given they get a job within 2 weeks. If you see them living off relatives or friends, pay only for 2 weeks. Make the other 2 weeks conditional on their getting a job.
If you have items such as clothes, towels, etc from your home to give your teen, meet them outside of your house with a support family and give them any items you desire. Do not invite them to your home to collect these items. This is a hard time so don’t make it harder. Meet them outside your home!
I do not recommend cars or other major items. A car is a significant entitlement item and should be earned by your young adult. If they had a car before the program, it was in fact something you supplied even if they earned money for it. Who paid for their room, board, clothing, etc so they could earn money for the car?
Do not pay for long distance calls; this is up to the teen. You may want to provide some money for food during their job seeking time. I would give them about another $30 for food for a specific amount of time - again tied to a job and limited time. This will encourage them to get a job. School, cars, living, etc are their problem now, not yours.
I would purchase a 6-12 month health care plan if your current insurance does not continue to cover them. This is critical for you. No parent would leave their child in a health emergency. Most teens exiting the program will not be covered by your policy since they are not living at home nor going to school. Most jobs they will get will not provide benefits. If something like a car accident were to happen, you would want your child to get good health care. A major medical insurance plan will cost you very little for a year; however, the peace of mind gained is well worth the price paid. At the end of a year, review the situation and see if you need to renew the policy.
Remember: set a time limit for initial support. Tie this support to some goals the teen must create to continue the support. If at the end of a month, you find they are working, making their way, you can always pay additional rent so they can begin to build up some cash. Do not continue this for more than a 2-month period. If they are really working their life, they need to start making it own their own. After 4-6 months if you see they are doing things, you can always give them more support. Promise them nothing more than what is in your plan. Wait and see what their reaction to the world is before extending more support. You are a valuable asset in their life; treat yourself as such. You have been running after the teen for years, now is the time for them to run after you . PS: don’t be easily caught!
Do not close any doors. Set up a communication plan so if they desire to meet with you on a weekly basis this is possible. This should be done outside of the home. Let them know you want a family and if they show they are making working choices over the next period of time, your contact and support for them will expand. Do not make promises about additional support, school, moving home, or other types of arrangements. Often your relationship can improve by working together outside your home structure. The teen must be the one to set up the meeting. You just let them know you will be available every Wednesday night, for example, IF THEY CHOOSE. All I would require is when you meet they be clean and sober.
A re-entry plan is a must. The re-entry plan is the means a child could return full time to the home. I would strongly suggest a re-entry plan be implemented only when you see significant evidence the child is serious about change. This means you see something other than words. They must show some results before you allow them to return. The plan should require a minimum of time before they can even talk to you about applying for re-entry. I suggest at least 2-3 months of being out of the home before even talking about re-entry. As part of the re-entry plan, the teen must repay all monies you gave them upon exiting the home. They must agree to a Home Contract as written by you the parent. They had an opportunity to write their Home Contract if they had stayed in the program. Within the contract they must be making contribution to the family: chores, rent, etc. This is up to you and the situation. I would not support college, cars, shopping sprees, etc. immediately upon their returning to the home. They should work and contribute before you make that investment.
If they return to the home and are not willing to truly work with the family, a second exit should be included in your re-entry plan. In this second exit plan, no support should be given immediately. I would also require them to be out of the home for a set period of time before you will even consider their returning. I suggest at least six months. While this may seem harsh, if we can get them to turn the corner even at age 19/20 they can have a very successful and happy life. They are better prepared at 18 to bounce back and move forward than at 25 or 30. If they do not make the change, what type of life do you foresee for them? We are literally fighting for their life in many instances.
In summary: If your 18-year-old is unwilling to really work for change, an Exit Plan is the only viable option open to you. The plan is for you, your spouse, and/or other step-parents. These are guidelines only. You must work together to create a plan which you ALL can live with and support. This is for the child’s benefit as well as yours. At some point in life they must get what it takes to create a working, healthy life. The Exit Plan is not about punishment, control, or a threat. Please do not use it in this manner; it will only create more problems. Your child may perceive it as such, but it is not. Adults must make informed decisions. If your child is leaving the program they must clearly know what they can expect from you. Too often they live in hope of going home and your continued support for the old life style.
I would suggest having a plan in place when your child is 17 years 6 months. Even if your child is working the program, give your Family Rep a plan. When the plan is given to the child is up to you and the FR. The program needs something on file to follow just in case. Hopefully it will never become an issue, but like the Boys Scouts, BE PREPARED.
