desperately trying to distract myself from the very real chance I'm losing Kitten today...
i had her in the car ready to take her to the one urgent vet i can afford solely because they have tiered pricing for low income people and also have payment plans, only to find out they're closed today because holiday...
they're open tomorrow, but i genuinely feel in my heart she won't last until then...
she's in so much pain. she can barely move, and when she does she's wobbly and unstable. she can barely hold her head up. i don't know what's wrong and it's destroying me having to watch her go through this...
and it's really different from other times she's been sick, which makes me believe it's her on her way out, rather than being sick...
and it's just like... i don't know what to do
i don't know what to do...
i don't know if i should try to hold out for tomorrow to get her to that vet, or if i should try to find a regular vet today who could euthanize...
but i don't want her to be in this pain...
i hate SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!! THAT EXISTING IS SO EXPENSIVE!!!! THAT EVERYTHING IS SO EXPENSIVE!!!!!! THAT I HAVE TO HESITATE ON TAKING HER SOMEWHERE ELSE TO GET TREATED BECAUSE IT WILL DRAIN MY ENTIRE BANK ACCOUNT IN ONE GO WHICH = NO RENT MONEY. an appointment + labwork ALONE can and will easily pass $500, and that's not even including other tests or any meds etc. And then if the labwork doesn't show anything, the meds don't do anything, and I have to euthanize her regardless?? another $4-500+ on top of everything else??? i don't HAVE that!!! i don't have that and i hate myself for it!!! i know it's something entirely outside of my control, but that doesn't make me feel any less like I'm so completely and utterly failing her right now!!!
god i wish Sarah or Sella could be here now!!! i wish they didn't live states away!!! i just need someone who can hold me and let me sob as ugly as i need to right now. someone else who KNOWS and LOVES Kitten too. who can feel this pain with me, and be strong for me for just a little bit.... i don't even LIKE being held, but i fucking need it so badly right now...
