#king's corner

[tema-makes-art-sometimes]

Who are the antagonists in King's corner? Are there any? Owo

I can’t say! It’s a secret.

As my co-writer @lemon-whiskey says: “The antagonist lies down by your feet.”

[donnking]

The texture of words

What is that magic air mover?

Words carry more than information. The words you choose change the texture, the flavor of the information. They change the way readers view the world.

For instance, my public speaking students frequently choose “Legalization of Marijuana” as a topic. (The fact that they have been choosing this topic for over 30 years says something about our nation, but that’s for another article.) The audience of college students has probably heard this discussed dozens of times in various settings. So I suggest instead they discuss “Relegalization of Marijuana.” That often makes audiences cock their heads, the way a dog looks at a ceiling fan. That recasting of the topic can completely change the way the speaker approaches the topic and the way the audience hears it.

Lesson from the kitchen

I saw this at work in my own kitchen. My wife and I have always been fans of the egg in almost all its forms. Fried, boiled, scrambled, omelet, quiche, eggs Benedict, egg custard—I can’t really think of a form we don’t like. We had never tried a frittata, and my wife bought me a special pan for making them. I had read about them, and thought the pan might be just a gimmick—after all, turning one in a regular skillet didn’t seem that difficult. But this two-sided pan facilitated the process, enabling turning the whole pan (actually two pans joined by a hinge) without risking ruining the integrity of the finished egg dish.

I tried it and loved it. I was sold.

I told my son, who had missed the original experiment, that we were going to have a frittata for supper.

“What’s that?” he said.

“You scramble eggs, stir in your ingredients like ham, cheese, and broccoli, fry it in a pan like a pancake, and turn it over.”

He looked skeptical. “So, it’s just a failed omelet?”

“What do you mean, failed omelet?”

“Sounds like an omelet that you couldn’t get to fold.”

I had not considered that, and it made me chuckle, but I also knew that if he kept thinking of it like that with his high standards for food he would likely not partake.

“It’s not a failed omelet,” I said. “It’s a crustless quiche.”

“Oh!” he said. His expression opened up. “That sounds pretty good!”

He’s not a big fan of eggs like his mom and I are, but he seemed to enjoy the frittata.

Claim your experience

Applying this principle can completely change the experience you have speaking.

My students learn that what they label “stage fright” before a speech is simply what they feel with adrenaline coursing through their veins. Back in high school, they might have felt the same thing just before the big game, but they said they were “up” for the game. The physical manifestation is exactly the same.

As they go through the course, they laugh about “having energy” and “being up for the speech,” but they have a completely different experience when they do.

It’s no longer something to get rid of; it’s something to harness.

Choose wisely

Think carefully about the words you choose when you speak to yourself, speak to others, or write. Those words can completely change your own experience and that of your audience.

The post The texture of words appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from The texture of words

[donnking]

Medium roundup for April 6

I got behind on posting updates here, but I’ve been getting a lot of writing done on Medium. (Follow me there.) As my own writing evolves, I continue to focus on effective communication, but I’m also branching out into other areas of interest. This blog is, therefore, more and more focusing on my work as a writer in general. Accordingly, I will start including here links to things other than just communication-related posts, but I will use subheads to help you find the things you are most interested in.

Remember that for those posts on Medium that are “members only,” you have two (well, two and a half) options. One would be to join Medium for the nominal $5 a month—less than any single issue of a magazine, giving you access to tons of great content. The other would be to support me on Patreon, where I share copies of Members Only material to those who support at only $2 a month and up. (The half option: Medium will let you read up to three Members Only posts for free. I post more than that, and if you spend much time on Medium you’ll see other teasers for Members Only posts you will want to read. Fair warning.)

Here’s what’s gone up since March 16.

Effective communication

Ask a better question when faced with challenges. Members Only post.

3 reasons writers should study public speaking. Members Only post.

A bicycle taught me about writing. Members Only post.

Fear of judgment destroys creation. Members Only post. One of my more popular posts.

Seducing the Muse: a paradox. Wait for it, or work for it? Members Only post.

Life Lessons

There is a last time for everything.

Do what you can where you are.  Members Only post.

Poetry

How to write a poem. (Itself a poem.)

Family: a scratchy poem.

Short stories

I’d know that car anywhere! A tale of misery and certainty. First fiction of any kind in many years. It’s listed under short stories because it’s not factual, but it is real life, and it deals with effective communication.

Humor

I can’t understand my humans: An Op-Ed from A Cat. Bonus: cat pictures.

The post Medium roundup for April 6 appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from Medium roundup for April 6

[donnking]

Roundup of Medium articles continued

Last week I posted all the Medium articles I have posted touching on communication from January and February. If you missed my reasons for doing so, you might like to know.

Today I’m getting everything caught up—all the articles so far in March. I will then start sharing a roundup post each Friday, so the email list remains the best way to keep up with such posts.

I write on life management topics as well, so if you would like to see everything I write, follow me on Medium or look on Patreon for access to everything, including material that otherwise would only be available to Medium members (although you could just join Medium).

A tale of two trachs. Words have the power to connect at a deep level over many years.

Managing personal fake news

The Importance of Choosing Topics

Do you want to spend your life arguing on Facebook?

Creative Rebuilding: Get Used To It

Move your lips when you write

Please Stop Spreading the Nonverbal Myth

That catches up through Friday, March 16, 2018. I have others in the queue right now, though, so be sure to watch your email and this blog for updates, or follow on Medium or Patreon.

As always, I hope to help you increase your impact and influence!

The post Roundup of Medium articles continued appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from Roundup of Medium articles continued

[donnking]

Roundup of Medium articles

Here is the index post of Medium articles I’ve posted through February—or at least the ones connected to effective communication. I’ll catch up on March a little later. If you would like to see all of my Medium articles, you can find them here.

What I learned when my son died

When you don’t know what to say, it’s important to say it

Preserve ideas long enough to nurture or kill them

A tale of two service experiences

How stage fright helped my writing fears

Until emotions are expressed, they aren’t fully felt

Getting through the learning curve

Conquer constant interruptions

When neighborhoods become homeowners associations

Love your introvert/extrovert

Redeeming the dream

We are haunted, but not by ghosts

Are you in danger from ‘professional mode’?

A clue for life: what do you keep coming back to?

That catches up all of January and February. I’ll catch up March before Friday.

The post Roundup of Medium articles appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from Roundup of Medium articles

[donnking]

Speaking Impact: Changing because life changed

Long-time readers (and there are several of you out there—thank you!) know that I have gone through periods of not posting much. You might think that I’ve just gone through one of those and that it’s related to the loss of my son, which is the last thing I wrote about here.

You would be partly right.

On the other hand, you would be very wrong, and I need to update you, therefore.

Although I haven’t written anything here since I wrote about what I learned when my son died, I have published 29 articles elsewhere (in six places), plus started a book and had two more articles accepted for print publication.

Most of those 29 articles appear on Medium, an online publishing platform that values quality writing by both amateurs and professionals. I’m not just writing about communication-related topics there, but when I do I immediately reach an audience of people looking for just such topics. Several of those folks have found their way here to Speaking Impact, in fact.

In other words, I’m fulfilling my life’s mission more effectively by publishing on Medium than publishing here.

That doesn’t mean that Speaking Impact is going away. It does mean that the way I share with you and the world will have a different flow to it.

Several of you reading this already get an email from me whenever we have new content here. Some of you are fans (and I appreciate that deeply), while others simply seek practical information to help you increase your impact and influence through effective communication. Speaking Impact will remain as a resource to foster such, but the blog posts will now serve more as a gateway to posts on Medium.

If Medium ceases publication or otherwise becomes ineffective for sharing such content, we can always bring it right back here. But for now, I can serve a lot more people through Medium without losing the ability to serve those of you who read here.

Let me lay out the flow, and also give you some pointers as to how to best access the content.

Weekly roundups

On Fridays, I will post here a roundup article that includes links to my posts on Medium, with a brief blurb. Some of them will deal with something other than communication effectiveness, and if you mainly want to follow everything I write on Medium, you might want to simply go there and follow me.

It’s still worthwhile staying on the mailing list because you will get notifications about other things (such as when my next book comes out) here. Several folks have joined the list from Medium and will benefit in that way.

Make sure you don’t miss out

But there will be links in those posts that may not be visible to you. Medium has a membership program. Some of the articles I will link to will only be available to Medium members. You can read up to three “members only” posts per month without needing to join, and that may be sufficient for you. But for $5 a month you can have unlimited access to all of Medium’s content. That’s about the same you would pay for a single issue of People magazine, and there are hundreds of stories about technology, culture, entrepreneurship, creativity, self, politics, media, productivity, design, food, film, humor, literature, sports, etc.

On the other hand, if you just want to be sure you have access to pretty much everything I write you might consider becoming a Raconteur. For just $2 a month you can access all of the Medium content (including the articles that otherwise would only be available to Medium members) and get notified of new books when they are still free on Amazon or otherwise available via a promotion. Higher level tiers give you access to the books for free outside of promotions, and include the opportunity to take part in online Q&A meetings, video chats, and even lunch (plus other goodies).

We’re past Friday now, but after I post this I will go ahead and create a post with links to all of those articles so far, and then keep up with it each Friday afterwards.

If you have any questions or concerns, please use the “Contact” link or drop a comment below. I hope this all makes sense to you, and I look forward to continuing to serve you to an even greater degree with this setup. Thank you for your interest and your support!

The post Speaking Impact: Changing because life changed appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from Speaking Impact: Changing because life changed

[donnking]

What I learned when my son died

I have learned some hard lessons recently. I wrote this last week:

It seems so wrong to be sitting here in his hospital room, him over there so quiet, because he passed away this morning — my beloved 32-year-old son. The flu in addition to his destroyed kidneys and brittle diabetes was just more than what his poor battered self could manage. He had been trying so hard to take care of himself. He had just started a new job that excited him at the same college where I teach, and he had solid plans for what he was going to do when he finished his degree. I’ve lost count of the number of times he was hospitalized in his short life, and he came back from the brink so often that I think it had become almost routine to him. So although this is not unexpected, in a way it is a terrible surprise. I am devastated. Rest in peace, Barry Jonathan King. At this moment, may you be flashing that trademark smile playing in the coolest drum corps ever. Say hi to your mom and your grandparents for me. You and Granddaddy King will enjoy a lot of laughs. I love you, son.

At time like this, of course, words fail. But words are my stock in trade. Like a map to the territory, words will never replicate or replace experience, but well-chosen ones can still give a sense of the experience and point to it.

I had not intended this as my first post in a long time, but there are many things I had not intended. I had intended, for instance, to go through my old ties with Barry about now. He recently had grown interested in developing a more professional appearance, and I had promised to share some of my ties and show him the four knots he really needed to know.

I learned a lot of things during this process of loss, some of which have to do with speaking and communication. Some of them follow.

Talking matters

I am so glad that Barry ate Thanksgiving dinner with us, and again dinner on Christmas. I don’t remember what we talked about, and it doesn’t really matter. Speaking is more about conveying emotion than information, and that’s the case whether we speak from a stage or sitting around a dinner table.

I also got to spend time with him as he trained with a group that I regularly train. New Student Orientation leaders hone their skills twice a year as they prepare to connect new students into the college where I teach. They work hard to convey accurate information, but they also understand that mostly they serve a serious emotional need to give context to the information, give a framework, and help students overcome fear of the unknown and develop confidence going into this new situation. Barry was proud to be part of this group, and he even worked with me to present a session on dealing with the college’s Disabilities Office.

Through that training, he not only identified his strengths as a communicator, but also areas for growth. He commented to me that standing up and speaking involved a lot more than what he thought. I am glad I got to work with him those last few days at something he was excited about.

I also learned that I have not been talking to his sisters enough. They live in different parts of the country. Honestly, I dislike talking on the phone, and so it has been easy to go for months at a time without talking to them. Through some honest talk during the mourning process, I learned just how hurtful that has been. Again, it doesn’t matter so much what we talk about, but it matters that we talk.

Lesson: talk to the people you love.

Say what you have to say

Because of his ongoing health problems, I knew that each time I talked to Barry could be the last. Still, he had been taking better care of himself, and he had gotten some technology recently that helped him do so. He had more optimism than in the past, making plans for the future and allowing himself some hope. So his sudden demise surprised me.

I had gotten in the habit of hugging him whenever we left each other’s presence, but I wanted to talk with him about so much more. I thought I had time I didn’t.

Lesson: don’t wait to say what needs saying.

You mostly communicate who you are

People always say nice things about people who have died. But as I heard stories from his friends in the days following his death, they wanted to be clear that the things they told me went beyond simply being nice. I heard story after story that independently established a picture of a young man of exceptional character and loving nature.

Numerous times, independent of each other, I heard of Barry bringing two people who thought they didn’t like each other together, leading them to form a friendship that has lasted for years.

I heard of times he took someone he worked with home because the co-worker was homeless, and Barry made sure he had food and a place to sleep indoors.

I learned that he befriended a woman who had “lost her music” and encouraged her to find her voice again, leading to a revival of a central part of her identity.

Story after story of his kindness and his wisdom. If success is measured by what people say at your funeral, my son was a rousing success.

This is hard

I would rather not have learned these lessons, not this way. I’m still processing it, and will be for a long time. But my son inspired me to “get back on the horse,” so to speak, as he did many times, and to keep on keeping on. I think in these last few years, Barry had begun to look up to me again. I want to be a man worthy of that regard.

Thank you, Barry. I really miss you, son.

The post What I learned when my son died appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from What I learned when my son died

[donnking]

Harness nerves and speak with confidence

Quora didn’t like this answer about speaking with confidence, for some reason, so I’ll share it with the world this way. I think it’s helpful, and I’d like to put it where it can do some good.

The original question was “Tomorrow I have a presentation and I don’t know how to start it. I feel afraid in front of people. What can I do?”

Here is my answer (and I can’t see a thing wrong with it, but it got “moderated”). It has only been edited to use more active voice. (I would have edited it more there, but I didn’t get the chance.)

The ‘unacceptable’ response

[Quora called this s p a m. I’m not seeing it.]

Feeling what you label as fear (really, it’s just energy) simply means you care about what you’re doing. That’s good news! If you didn’t feel that, there would be something wrong with you. But we don’t want to get rid of it; we want to bring it down to a manageable level and harness it.

You have two issues: how to start, and how to deal with the energy. A certain mindset will help both.

Don’t think of it as a presentation. Think of it as a planned conversation. It will greatly affect how you approach the conversation—how you prepare for it, how you sound, how comfortable you feel. We all have those conversations we think about ahead of time—conversation instead of performance because we get really familiar with the ideas we want to convey, but we don’t write it out word for word, we don’t memorize it, and we listen to and pay attention to the other party so that we constantly adapt.

The energy comes from a chemical in your blood. It’s more complicated than just adrenaline and cortisol, but they will stand for the whole array. Those chemicals, kicked in by your feeling of being exposed, are liquid energy, like ether for a gasoline engine. Instead of trying to get rid of it, we want to put it into our delivery. Most people try to clamp down on it, thinking they sound too animated, too loud, too over the top. You then wind up sounding flat, mechanical, and uninterested (and thus uninteresting). Get out of your own way and let it flow.

Getting confidence right up front

The suggestion to start with a joke may help, but it can fall flat in two ways: 1) if the audience doesn’t find it funny, it puts up a barrier between you and the audience, and it increases your anxiety; 2) if you tell a joke that unrelated to your topic, it confuses the audience. You will break the ice more safely and effectively by telling a funny story. You almost certainly need to build your speech around stories anyway, since humans think in story terms.

A funny story that relates to or illustrates something about your topic is safer and more effective because it will connect your audience to your topic even if they happen to not find the story funny. In fact, if they don’t laugh, they will never know you expected them to laugh (unless you tell them), so you lose nothing, but you still have the gain that naturally comes from a story.

You might find this article helpful in dealing with harnessing the nervousness.

The post Harness nerves and speak with confidence appeared first on Speaking Impact.

from Harness nerves and speak with confidence