On Party Anxiety and Being the New Kid
I’m pretty sure that at least once a week, usually more, I see someone online post about how they’d really love to come out to an event or a party, but they feel like their social anxiety is holding them back.
Gosh, I know it’s really hard sometimes, to get out of our own heads enough to relax and enjoy a new situation. New situations are really hard — especially if we’re alone. And I get it.
I know thats some of you who have met me at Tableaux or somewhere else might laugh at me for saying so. (“Shut up, E, you’re CLEARLY not shy… what are you even saying, geez.”) But the thing is, I’m fortunate enough to get to do my prancing around and socializing at places and among people where I have had several years to grow truly comfortable and feel very at home.
So… come on over, new kid. Come sit down by Auntie Elsha and let her pour you a glass of wine (because I’m obviously a wine aunt, lets be real), and share the wisdom of her years for a moment. Because, sure, yes, I’m comfortable and relaxed now when I’m out at a party on a Saturday night — but most of you didn’t know me seven years ago. I was the new kid too, once upon a time. And I have not forgotten how stressful that can be.
I’m sorry to say I don’t have any magic words of wisdom to bestow upon all of you to make things feel easier. I can’t help you squish down the creeping feeling of imposter syndrome, and I can’t slow your pulse for you whenever you have to walk up to a stranger (oh gosh, or even worse, a group of strangers) and say, ‘hello!’ for the very first time. I can’t tell you what to do with your hands, or what outfit will make you feel like a powerful, confident superhero. And i can’t snap my fingers to show you which little group of humans you’re most likely to get along with and become real friends.
What I can tell you is that literally everyone I’ve ever spoken to at a kink party (and I’ve been to a few, over the past seven years) understands how you’re feeling. Honestly, really, truly. Because, even though some of us are better at hiding it, almost everyone I have ever met experiences similar, anxious feelings, on some level, when they’re walking into a new situation where they don’t know anyone. Most of us have also had those feelings amplified when we walked into our first fetish parties — because in addition to all the new people and small talk, you’re now throwing in the layer of play and kink, which is not something that most of us have a chance to encounter often, especially in a public social setting.
The point is, you’re not alone. And those of us who have been around do what we can to try to make it easier on you. Regulars and party-helpers do our best to say hi when we see new faces, and I know I do my best to chat with new folks when I meet them. The fact is that most kinky folks enjoy meeting new people — a lot of us spent a long time feeling isolated or outcast for our desires and sexuality before we found the community, and want to help other people find community as well. And the cool thing about kink parties, is that you have at least one conversation topic in common with everyone in the room, when you walk through the door! I don’t know about you, but small talk always feels a bit easier to me, when I know an interest we both share.
In the end, please remember that a party is just a party (most of which happen fairly regularly) which is attended by regular people just like you, who happen to enjoy doing kinky stuff in a room with other kinky folks. That’s it! If that sort of thing sounds fun, you can come see if you enjoy it, sometime, when you’re feeling brave. If you aren’t feeling brave, then don’t sweat it! There will ALWAYS be another one later on. And there’s absolutely no reason to force yourself to attend a random kink event, if the thought of doing so makes you feel uncomfortable. And, heck — plenty of people all over the world live perfectly happy, kinky lifestyles without ever engaging with large-scale events or joining The Scene™.
I won’t tell you not to feel anxious, because I know that’s annoying and unhelpful. But I will promise you that you’re not weird for feeling anxious, and that your feelings are normal and valid and incredibly familiar to many of us veterans. And I can offer you my own testimony that for a lot of us, finding the courage to be anxious and scared but DO THE THING ANYWAY was absolutely worth it. And whenever you feel like you’re ready to come out (and take your time, dude, there’s no rush), I bet you’re gonna do just fine.
