#elsha writes

[elshalarossa]

I hate the way hookup culture has evolved so that people seem to think emotional connections aren’t cool, and that caring deeply is a flaw. It’s all about being free and open and DTF as an expression of sexual empowerment. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, and I respect the place of casual hook ups in the over-arching sexual narrative, I honestly find it so... boring? 

Like, I am absolutely voracious for experiences. I want to devour your life story over cocktails in the dark corner at the back of the bar and learn about all of the nooks and crannies in your brain and geek out over things we both love and get inspired to learn new things because I enjoy hearing you talk about your passions. I want to share all of my best stories with you, because you’ve never heard them before, and spill out all of the thoughts bubbling over in my brain and talk too much with my hands and probably knock over my wine glass because I’m not paying attention and then stay out too late and kiss passionately against a wall on the way home and have sex knowing all of these amazing new things about each other and the ways we fit together and the ways we don’t quite fit, but that’s fine too, because imperfect things are more interesting and tension is important for growth, and aren’t we trying to grow and learn and experience things together? I want to have crazy, messy, rough, tender, weird, funny, sex with you and then stay up and get midnight snacks. And then after we’ve been up way, way too late, I want to stand in rumpled clothes outside the train station for twenty minutes because we can’t stop talking to each other, and text with you all day the next day and smile at our phones and feel calm and happy even though we’re dying of sleep deprivation. I want to be excited to see you next time and do it all over again. 

I guess I’m spoiled. I’ve had enough casual sex in my life that the novelty has sort of worn off. Attention from near-strangers isn’t titilating, it just bores me. Getting to KNOW SOMEONE is so much better. Caring is so much more satisfying. 

It’s so sad when people think that the most interesting thing about each other is their genitals. (It’s even sadder when they’re right.) 

Apathy is a slow, boring non-existence. I’m over it. Don’t flirt with me unless you’re willing to care.

[elshalarossa]

Hey there, followers! Not to be a mother hen, but it sure looks like Hurricane Florence is gonna be a nasty one, particularly for the Carolinas. I know this is a bit off-brand for my blog, but the anniversary of Katrina was just a couple of weeks ago, which always dredges up a whole bunch of memories and emotions for this NOLA girl. (Yes, I was there. Yes, the whole time. Yes, it was intense.)  

It’s been a while, since Fran and Floyd, and even Irene visited the Carolinas... So I wanted to take a moment to pop in with a bit of hurricane preparation advice, which is second nature to me, but maybe less so to others who have never been through a big storm. If you’re in the path, and an evacuation is ordered? Please take care of yourselves and get further inland, if you’re at all able. This isn’t a game, and it can be pretty brutal if your area doesn’t have the infrastructure to handle it. And even if you don’t need to evacuate, make sure you’re well provisioned at home for several days without outside assistance. 

What does that mean? Below, find a few unsolicited hurricane prep tips from a gulf-coast native:

- Stock up on canned and other non-perishable food, batteries, oil lamps and kerosene, bottled water, and beer/wine if you’re into that. And charcoal or propane for your grill, if that’s a thing you have. (Be prepared to cook all the meat in your freezer if the power goes out! And then invite the neighbors over to help you eat it. That’s what hurricane parties are all about.) - Don’t forget pet supplies!  - Refill your prescriptions. Check to make sure you have bug spray, sunscreen, paper towels, toilet paper, and menstrual supplies if you need them. (Anything you’d take camping.) - Fill your cars with gas NOW, even if you’re not planning to go anywhere. Yes, even now that the prices have gone up. If you have somewhere to store it, get an extra few gallons. Gas stations do run out, and it sucks. When you’re done, park your car somewhere unlikely to flood. (Maybe not at the bottom of a hill.) - Locate all of your candles, flashlights, first aid kit, and your old school radios before the power goes out. - Also maybe locate a deck of cards, poker chips and any board games you enjoy. Tune your guitar, if you’ve got one. Give yourselves something to do when the power goes out! The boredom is real. - Take the time to secure any loose boards or leaky windows on the outside of your home, if you’re able. - When the storm comes, fill the bathtub up with water! If street flooding screws up your plumbing (which can happen depending on where you live), you can use a bucket full of that water to flush the toilet. - NEVER leave burning candles unattended for any reason. - If the power goes out, open your fridge and freezer as infrequently as possible. Keep that cool air in!

Don’t be too scared! Storms can be cool. Hurricane parties are fun. Just be careful, cautious, and don’t take unnecessary risks. Prepare so that you can take care of yourselves. Stay healthy and hydrated. You’re gonna be okay. <3 

[elshalarossa]

Do you ever worry that your children will see your nudes? I do sometimes with mine.

I’ve thought about this a lot, actually. The short answer is, “no, I don’t.”

Since I made the choice not to avoid posting pictures of my face, the trade off is that I don’t actually post anything that is particularly explicit. So, if my kids were to see any of my content in the future, they’d really just be seeing suggestive, but not graphically sexual, images of my body. I fully intend to raise children who are not ashamed of their bodies, who don’t view nudity as wrong, and who see sex and sexuality as a natural and healthy part of relationships. I feel like I can stand by my choices to post the things that I have, in that light. There’s nothing about a naked body that makes me feel shame. There’s nothing wrong with posting a photo where I look sexy. Nudity is natural — not dirty or worthy of judgement.

If they happen to come across any of my musings on sexuality or kink? That’s fine too. While I would never force a conversation about kink on my kid — that’s not something I feel like it’s within my parental scope to cover beyond a passing, objective mention of its existence as a part of basic sex ed — I would certainly never shy away from talking about it if they ever approached ME.

I’m not a bit ashamed of who I am. And I hope that I can lead by example there and raise kids who are able to be a little more comfortable in their own skins than I was, growing up. And, god, I hope that they can explore their sexuality and gender identity and any other aspects of themselves that they are ever questioning and KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will always come home to parents who love and support and accept them no matter what labels they accept or reject throughout their lives.

People have bodies. People have sex. People have kinks. All of that is okay, and nothing to be ashamed of. And if that’s what I want my kids to grow up understanding, then I can’t very well be ashamed of myself, then, can I?

[elshalarossa]

My GF doesn't like that I'm poly but I feel really bad bc I love her a lot but I have a huge crush on someone I almost dated before and idk what to do. Any possible advice for this situation ? I'm kinda clueless

Hey there, anon! Sorry for the delayed reply here; things have been really hectic on my end these days.

First of all, remember you’re not a bad person for having these feelings. It’s easy to get swept up in guilt over something like a crush, but feelings are not something you can control - they just have to be felt. Crushes happen! 

You can control your actions, tho, and that’s what matters here. When you say, “My GF doesn’t like that i’m poly,” I take that to mean you do NOT have a mutually consensual, non-monogamous arrangement with her. And that means you probably can’t act on this crush without breaking the rules of your relationship.

All relationships are comprised of a series of agreements between two people, which outline how to take care of each other in a way that makes both people feel respected, and what behaviors are expected from each other. Whether you feel you’re polyamorous or monogamous at heart, you can’t ever just ignore the rules you’ve made with a significant other – being polyamorous doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for those preexisting relationships, and I’m sure you’re well aware that to act on feelings for another without permission is just plain-and-simple cheating on your partner. 

Realistically, if you truly believe you can’t get over this crush, because you’re fundamentally not monogamous and you want to explore that facet of your identity, you need to be honest with your partner, initiate a conversation about it, and let her know how you’re feeling. What makes non-monogamy ethical is the educated consent of everyone involved. Your partner needs to have the option to choose to be with someone who is polyamorous – or choose not to be. 

If you’re not prepared to do that right now, that’s okay. You’re only human, and if you already think your partner isn’t okay with polyamory, it’s understandably scary to start conversations that have a very real chance of ending in breakups. But not having an honest conversation about changing the rules of your relationship means you still need to respect and follow the current, existing rules of your relationship.

No acting on that crush until you come clean and speak up honestly about your feelings and needs. To do anything else is disrespectful to your partner, your crush, and yourself.

Best of luck, anon!

[elshalarossa]

To all of my male friends in the wake of #metoo

When a woman in your life is trying to express a negative experience she has had involving "men," please understand that this is NOT the time to step up and explain how you are not like this, describe how her generalization is unfair, promise that other men you know are not like this, or become otherwise defensive.

I absolutely promise that if you behave better than the "men" she is upset about, she knows already. She knows, she appreciates it, and she is absolutely grateful for it. However, when you cut off what she's saying or derail her social media posts to pop in and talk about how you're DIFFERENT, you are, in fact, proving that you are not. You are cutting off her voice for her frustration. You are telling her that her experiences are not valid. You are, in fact, taking a moment that she has designated for her own self-expression and her own self care and turned it into a situation where you are asking her to ignore her own needs and her own pain in order to make you feel better, and reassure you that you are okay. You're making her do emotional labor for you, when she's upset about something that is (most likely) entirely unrelated. You are becoming a part of the problem.

This goes for LGBTQIA issues and matters of racism as well, kids. If a friend is expressing their experiences with "men" or "white people" or "the straights," and their words make you feel uncomfortable, GOOD. That means you're listening. No one ever grew or changed or improved themselves by being comfortable. So... sit with your discomfort for a bit. Learn from it. Keep listening. Examine your own behavior. Make adjustments if needed. Know that everyone makes mistakes, and that it's okay if you did, as long as you learn from it and do better next time. Tell your friends you love them. Speak up on their behalf, when you feel like you can. THAT is how you show that you support them. That is how you show you are not like the others. That's how you help. Not by being a whiny baby, complaining about #notallmen.

Help support the women in your life, if you love them. Don't add to their exhaustion by trying to make this about you and your own insecurities. This is not about YOU. This issue is about the perceptions and behaviors of an entire culture.

Thanks for taking the time to read all this.

[elshalarossa]

Do you have advice for somebody new to polya about how to breach the topic with current partner (who has other partners that were all established when we began dating) about having another partner? How do I go about making a new relationship? Do I ask permission? Do I just inform him it happened? Is everybody different? I'm really stressed about this for some reason.. everybody makes it look so easy...

Hello there! Don’t be too stressed, anon. It’s okay that you don’t know what to do. Everyone’s a little bit different, yes, and every relationship has its own unique parameters, so it’s up to you and your current partner to set those. No one expects you to read minds… but they probably do expect you to be honest about your feelings, and communicate.

First, have a word with yourself and decide what you think you would like to do in those situations. Would you like to check in before you even put a date on the calendar? Would you prefer to tell them after you’ve scheduled your date, but before it occurs? Would you like to check in afterwards, so you can touch base with them to be sure you’re both still feeling solid and confident? Choose your own adventure! Figure out what you think you’d like to try, and what would make you feel best.

I’m 100% sure you have an opinion on this, even if you aren’t sure that you do, yet. Identify what it is, if your feelings are muddy right now, so that you can come to the table with a bit of clarity, self-awareness, and knowledge of your own comfort zone. The fact that you’re new at polyamory doesn’t mean you don’t get to have feelings or opinions, so you should have an idea of what those are, and be able to articulate them.

Then, sit down with your partner, and ask what would make them most comfortable. Listen to what they say, and consider how you feel about it. Then share what you decided you might do, if it were up to you. (Don’t forget that what you want matters just as much as what they want, and vice versa. You’re equals here.) If your ideas are not the same, find a comfortable middle ground and agree to try that out for a while and see how you both feel.

Don’t agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable. If something raises your hackles, say so, and try to express why you feel that way. Honest, open communication is everything – that means being honest with yourself as much as your partner.

Also remember that none of this is set in stone! If you test the waters for a few weeks and months and find that one of you feels suffocated and annoyed by too many rules and boundaries, or insecure and uncertain because there aren’t enough rules and boundaries, or if anything else is making you feel less-than-awesome about what’s going on, then be sure to communicate about that too! Come back to the table and share those thoughts, along with some suggestions about what you think might help improve the situation, next time.

Eventually you’ll learn, mostly through trial and error, the methods that make you feel best, and the arrangements you know you need to avoid. It’s a winding, bendy road with lots of detours, but you can get there. 

Best of luck on your journey!

[elshalarossa]

Congrats on the baby and everything positive going on in your life! How do you keep up hope and stay optimistic in seemingly bleak times for your child? It feels like the environment, politically, physically, financially, etc seems less and less conducive to ordinary people everyday and that it won't get better anytime soon. Is this just completely the wrong way of thinking about it and is it best to not think about these things?

Oh man, that’s a big one. I have thought about this a lot. I still think about this a lot. And I try to hold on to some very important key points, when my heart feels most heavy. (Also, thank you!! We’re very excited.)

First and foremost, this too shall pass. It really will, no matter how it feels right now. This administration will end. And I refuse to live my life as though we are forever doomed to misery — giving up hope means you’re letting the assholes win. I’ve always wanted to raise a family and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this disgusting freak show of comic book-eqsue villains dictate whether or not I get to realize my personal dreams. Also, I’m old enough that the bulk of my childhood was during the Regan/Bush era and I so know firsthand that as a small child you can be very insulated from the horrors that are going on around you. As much awful stuff as was going on back then, my memories of that time are happy ones with family and school friends. I’ll make sure that my kid(s) get(s) a real childhood. They will have plenty of time to grow up and learn how to deal with a world on fire. (And, spoiler alert, the world is always on fire. Billy Joel wrote a whole thing about it, that one time.)

I am not a politician, and i have never claimed to be savvy about political science— but honestly, I don’t believe that more horrible things are happening right now than at other times in history, I just think we’re more aware of the things that are happening. We have better access to media and information than the general public has ever had before. We’re more constantly bombarded with horrors, but I don’t think there are actually more horrors. We see and hear more about what’s going on in the world, as it’s happening, rather than months or years after the fact, and we have access to more sources of information who won’t cherry pick news and then sugarcoat things like the mainstream media. It’s harder for the powers that be to sweep bad things under the rug and choose the narrative that we see. I also think that we have a global perspective on current events that has never been available before — which means that many Americans are waking up and realizing how different our country looks from the outside, compared to the “THIS IS THE BEST COUNTRY ON EARTH!! LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE!! AMERICAN DREAM!! JUSTICE FOR ALL!!” narrative we’ve been spoon fed since we were in diapers. All of this is hard to swallow, and often quite painful, but being more informed and having more perspective is ultimately a good thing, so keeping all this in mind does help me feel less bleak and more able to move forward in my life.

When times are tough, like now, and you feel like big government is failing you, that’s when you need to focus on your own personal community. Volunteer. Donate time and money to causes you believe in. Strengthen your foundation so that your values have a place to take root and changes can begin to grow. Invest in your community. This can mean family, or the local community in your town, or any other group of people that you consider “yours,” on a small enough scale that you feel like your actions can help and make a difference. Community is everything. I’m incredibly fortunate in that I have a very supportive family (biological and chosen), and some of the best friends a human could ask for. I know that we will find opportunities for joy and laughter and support each other through whatever comes our way. I trust that I can raise my family with good role models and compassionate influences. And that comforts and inspires me.

“Living well is the best revenge.”  - George Herbert (1593-1633)

[elshalarossa]

Polyamory and Self-care (when relationships feel less than balanced)

It would be absolutely wonderful if every non-monogamous couple always had perfectly complementary calendars, and everything always felt balanced and equal. It would be great if it never felt like one person was getting to have more fun than the other. Those of us who have been around and doing this for a while can definitely tell you that’s not always how things end up. 

Changing relationship dynamics, work schedules, travel schedules, a dry spell on OKC or Tindr, health issues, and a billion other factors can affect our dating lives. It’s just a fact of life. So what do you do when you feel like your partner is reaping a lot more of the benefits from your open arrangement than you are? How do you keep yourself in a good headspace, where you’re able to be supportive and feel compersion and still get what you need from your existing relationship(s)?

I don’t claim to have all (or even most) of the answers, but here are a few things that I try to keep in mind when I’m feeling the strain in my own polyamorous marriage.

- Schedule time with your partner. As a spouse (or fiancee, or live-in-partner of any sort) it’s very easy to fall into the habit of just seeing your partner when you’re both home. When you’re feeing emotionally vulnerable, it can be helpful to make sure you have some time carved out on the calendar as ‘date nights’ where you specifically set aside mundane day-to-day stuff in favor of a fun activity or romantic dinner. Having your own fun and romantic dates planned can sometimes soothe any uneasiness you may feel when you see dates with your partners’ lovers pop up on the calendar.  

- Make time for self-care. No matter what the reason you’ve been feeling imbalanced in your romantic life -- a recent breakup, busy work schedule, what have you -- it’s important to make sure that you have some quality time with yourself. Treat yourself to a mani pedi. Call up a friend and set up a brunch date. Take a night when your partner is busy to sit at home and take a bubble bath and watch that TV show that they hate, but is your absolute favorite guilty pleasure. Connect with friends who you have been missing. Call your mom or dad or sibling and have a chat with them, if it’s been a while.

Make sure that you’re taking responsibility for your own emotional welfare and not falling into the trap of expecting your primary partner to be your ONLY source of reassurance and validation. They love you and they want to support you, but at the end of the day your feelings are your own, and it’s important to remember that they’re not the only one who you can turn to… and that you’re actually strong and awesome enough to rely on yourself, to an extent, as well.

- Be honest with yourself and your partner about your limitations. You know… it’s 100% okay to check in with your partner and say, “Hey, I’ve been having a really hard time with this change on my side, and I would appreciate it you could avoid scheduling more than one date per week, for a little while. I just know it’s going to be harder for me to process things and be supportive while I’m feeling so raw, and if we could leave a little space and time between those instances, I think it would be really, really helpful to me right now.”

I’ve had GREAT success with requests like this. It makes me verbalize what I’m feeling, and gives my partner a concrete thing they can do to help me and show that they support me. I can tell you this has worked much, much better than the times when I insisted that everything was fine (when I knew it wasn’t) and then emotionally drained myself to the point where I couldn’t express any of my needs without yelling or crying. (We’ve all been there, too…)

- Let yourself have space for your feelings. Being polyamorous doesn’t mean you never get jealous or upset. If you’re having a negative feeling, don’t squish it. Don’t judge yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Practice patience. And then after you’ve had time to breathe, reflect and ask yourself, “why am I feeling this way?” If you’re insecure, sad, lonely, jealous, or angry, there are probably people in your life (your partner included) who you can reach out to, who really want to help and make you feel better. (And they won’t judge you for being upset, either. I promise.) But it’s so, so helpful to be able to come to those conversations with a little self-reflection and a bit of understanding about what’s causing the stress.

- Be a fuckin’ rock star (because you ARE a fuckin’ rock star). You know how to be supportive. You know how much your partner values your support. You have known since you were a small child that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. And you are definitely going to get through whatever difficult period you’re experiencing right now. So do your best to put your best foot forward and treat your partner (and their partner(s)) with care, respect, and compassion. It might be hard right now, but later on in a different situation, you might find yourself on another side of this romantic triangle… and when that happens, you’re going to have a valuable perspective about what someone else will be going through. Not every life lesson is fun, and not everything feels 100% fair all the time. But that doesn’t mean it’s not valuable… and if you try your hardest and ask for help where you need to, then you should feel proud of yourself for doing the best you could do. And your partner will be proud of you too.

When things feel unbalanced on the outside, I try to strive for balance on the inside. And THAT puts me in a headspace to feel good about myself, and confident, and powerful. And that’s the attitude I like to bring to the table when I’m starting to think about flirting with sexy strangers, and scheduling some new first dates.