#kinrambling

[lxvrir]

can u also do 1, 5, and 6 with me and pietro.... please.......... (or just 1&6 if you don't remember our first meeting)

!!

1: most vivid/favorite memory with them

hf again i run into the issue that i don’t have stark memories - which sounds terrible, my two oldest living children, who i’ve known since they were Young Adults,

my kin memories for 616 tend to be Conglomerate not-single-memory things so i’ll, say more in question six

5: what your first impression of them was in canon

this is so something because my memory of my Early Days As Magneto is nearly completely absent which i can’t really attribute to time because i remember israel and possibly even before them. i don’t know, Early Magneto has always felt…somehow to me. i think it’s because the comics are at the very cartoony ridiculous stage of things so it’s hard to connect What Actually Happened in contrast with more serious coherent writing later on

BUT either way. i can’t say first impression because i don’t remember meeting, exactly, but i do know kind of how they. fit into the brotherhood wrt me. i know i was keeping them there in debt to me for saving them, or something of that nature. i didn’t really have any initial…feeling about them rather than Useful Associates but i do know that, out of all of them, they were the most bearable and competent. in their own right and also because i historically just don’t like toad and mastermind is a creep. like extremely so as time goes in but even then it was pretty evident

i didn’t necessarily have a lot of insight of who they were when they were in the brotherhood but. i think pietro and i might’ve disagreed here and there if only because he challenged authority or something

6: what you thought of them after you’d talked/interacted more

i fluctuated a lot between trying to be an actual good person father and just reverting back to My Magneto Ways and being manipulative for purposes i thought were more important than caring about my children

i think this changed in a big way when the twins were born/after my trial/becoming a headmaster and so on. i tried to be involved in at least wanda’s life. pietro wasn’t really having it but that was what i expected

but then things, of course, went sour again. and were just kind of all over the place. i “died”, there was lorna, i came back and house of m happened

i’m being really brief but it was generally a messy and rocky relationship peppered with a lot of bitterness over past fighting and me choosing not to prioritize wanda and pietro and them suffering from that

in a lot of ways i see excalibur, house of m and childrens crusade of me Realizing Things. not that some of these realized things weren’t revelations i’d had before but they came alongside several realizations about my own motivations and the state of my species. this happened alongside the genosha genocide, and m-day, and then hope, avengers vs xmen….the phoenix five….i allied myself with people who i’d tried to murder more than once. i realized what was important in lot of ways. and i also noted that i did not deserve to be a part of some of what was important to me, and accepted that, but i decided i must try anyway.

wanda had a more amicable relationship with me than pietro did. she was definitely standoff-ish & distrustful of me more in the past , and had much reason to be. i was surprised she allowed me to see the children and be a marginal part of her life….and further down the line, after house of m, i was shocked she didn’t reject me as pietro had. she gave me more benefit of the doubt than i deserved

our relationship improved a lot after childrens crusade and we could. Talk about things that needed to be talked about

as to what i Thought of wanda , i of course loved her and thought she was amazing….thats my Daughmter. i was grateful that despite everything she grew up well

pietro……..i don’t think pietro forgave me a lot of things and i didn’t expect him to. i don’t think i gave pietro the attention or like. Parental Guidance he wanted for so long and so theres just. lots of bitterness and pain there

as to what i Thought of pietro. i love pietro, ofc… i think - besides The Past - it’s one of those “too much alike” things that causes us to butt heads so much (honestly if pietro here he would yell at me for that comparison but its true). but with that similarity we also have stark differences and it’s just. difficult. 

things got better after childrens crusade, from what i remember. he wasn’t that outwardly welcoming to my attempts to be closer to him but he didn’t push me away as much after a while and spent time with me/the family of his own accord

[lxvrir]

the comics generally erased my ability to astral project at will early on and hey, why

it raises interesting questions about whether astral projection in that universe is inherently psionic and whether or not i had psionic powers of some kind. i think this fact is kind of lost because of the movie universes but i could shield myself from strong psychic attacks without my helmet. and i feel as if there was Something even though i could not utilize any of it the way a telepath could

i made a post about something i read about my mind control+magnetism a long time ago and im thinking about it again and how being in tune with and in control of magnetic fields could give you something resembling psionic powers

because the definition of psionic forces reaches beyond that of telepathy and brains and gives us experiences like traveling the astral plane or jean’s/phoenix’s white hot room and that sort of stuff (if astral plane travel is in fact inherently psionic)

psionic forces and powers defined as something metaphysical makes sense when you take into account the physicality of the afore mentioned non physical fabric-of-the-universes concepts

being able to reach something similar to this simply because of the scope of magnetism as a force of the universe makes sense

but bringing it down to Small Potato concepts again, the brain, despite it’s connection to psychic abilities, is still a brain, flesh, full of blood & iron and things that are susceptible to magnetism and natural forces that i can control, so that’s another move in the right direction - which might be able to explain instances like me forcing people to say things by Magnetizing Their Brains or however it was explained. a mix of this unconscious psionic ability and the basic natural powers i had

i might be just reiterating exactly what i said months ago, i dont know, i dont remember...........gestures blandly

[lxvrir]

ive been listening to 60s tv show soundtracks (listen. theyre good) and i think i may have..gotten a memory from it

just. watching something on the television and hearing that familiar orchestral music with that kind of 60s music quality

the visual im getting from it isnt very clear though. i think im sitting in some kind of armchair. my first thought is “mutant road trip” but my second is “i have no memory of television in any of my road trip memories” and “were televisions even prevalent in hotels then?".

even though Here universe rules dont necessarily apply all the time i went Googling and: apparently so, at least in some hotels. the cheaper "mom & pop" hotels tended not to, commercial ones tended to, and you sometimes paid more for these extras. so it makes sense that i may have not had many memories of television because we didnt stay at many expensive hotels

i dont think this was the same show because the track in question was from '68-'69 (later seasons of the avengers. no not those avengers). it was just the sound of it

[lxvrir]

let's not even comment on my long absence and move on to what matters. dark phoenix. ive talked at length about it elsewhere as a film but kin-wise the most i can take from it is how much i had changed for the better from who i was in 1962

and, in reflecting on that, i realize how much different i am from the state i was in when i first made this blog, four years ago now, and how that in some ways parallels my journey Then

another thing - i don't think raven died. im not sure raven was even really there. all very confusing

[lxvrir]

i cannot see a space in which raven does not die in all this.

i feel like something bad happens to the beginnings of genosha. i do not know if it’s a complete decimation but it is decidedly bad.

i am scared that peter will die before i ever got to have a meaningful connection with him

or worse - directly after i begin to connect with him

[lxvrir]

this is a summary (excerpt) from an alex/darwin fic but the last line gets me

Later, too many years and countless fights later, someone will take the time to explain what is happening to him. Alex will twitch like a lab rat, jumpy and unsure, eye the two men who stand before him in the narrow cell door, as mismatched a pair as he’s ever seen, weigh his chances of knocking them both out and making a run for it. One of the men, genial and gentle and just a touch condescending, will tell him not to be afraid. It’ll be too late by then of course, and maybe it’s Erik who will understand it best, how Alex’s fear has already metastasized into a terminal infliction.

like one. yeah yeah Yeah ye yes

two, that’s also, i’m realizing, probably a bit of why alex and i got along so well

i never really thought of it but. of course alex had ptsd...the way he dealt with it, though, was very much different than mine, and was (appropriately) just Exploding Outwards from him, but it was still easily identifiable and understandable

alex didnt act the way he did because he was an ass (well, he was, but he’s also more than that). he was just. traumatized and a weird teen in the last stages of growing up and in no way equipped to deal with that and is then thrown into a social situation with strangers after years of issues and solitary confinement on top of being a mutant with an extremely dangerous and uncontrollable power and figuring that out and an entire missile crisis riding on his shoulders. also what happened to darwin

those things weren’t necessarily things i attempted to talk to him about - no that’s charles’ sort of thing - but i could see the deflection and awkwardness and could treat him in a way that didn’t clash with his mind and didn’t make him feel vulnerable

because feeling vulnerable is the worst thing you possibly can be, as i understood it, as he understood it

its just. hard to explain

the bit about metastasizing is also incredibly yes. i have talked about this before, i think, but it’s just how all that, trauma and how you react to it, seeps into your entire being and has this Hold. im reminded of my state of mind before i met charles  and how entirely detached and just kind of deadened i was

and how even afterwards the trauma never left, just twisted and changed - some healed over but remained in scars, some cropped up in new ways.

[lxvrir]

this is like, a direct piggy back off wandas post but i started thinking

house of m is odd for me because, generally, i do not remember most of that life, or whatever you’d call that state of being wanda created, but....i don’t know how to describe it but issues such as who my successor would be and ruling a country and general family dynamics that are unique to the house of m universe, or maybe even the secret wars version, feel familiar and natural to me

like, the house of m universe was not, a Tangible thing and yet. theres just bits and pieces of it scattered in my head

and it raises the question of whether i progressed forward having memories of this non-tangible, now non-existent universe. house of m establishes an entirely different history but in terms of time spent in the comic i experience its present times for perhaps a day? two days? how does that stay in the brain. how does it feel like after. i can’t remember much of what i did after. i stayed in genosha. i, vaguely, tended to the few people living on the island, until pietro...did all that he did. (and i just opened wikipedia and i guess the one thing that got me off that damn island was shield coming to take me into custody and some xorn impersonation garbage. of course.)

it’s one of those random “???” dark spaces that are obviously there because of mental stress and general hollowness. maybe all that was a factor.

one thing i Do know, though, is that though i was extremely angry, i did not Kill pietro (though i cannot remember if i even did completely kill pietro in the comic, i cannot be bothered to open it right now). im very susceptible to fits of murderous rage but they don’t usually happen like that and they don’t usually happen because of something like “so you manipulated your sister into doing this ridiculous terrible thing and now its supposed to be my fault” and certainly not to my own son..

but, could i have wounded pietro? hurt him in some way? i could have - meaning, i had the capacity to. which is a painful thing to admit, but i could make wallpaper out of the Physical Altercations we had over the years - contextually it could make sense. it could’ve been something else as well, but i can’t think of anything, certainly not anything else that would anger/distress wanda enough to do what she did

part of me feels this deep guilt while the another part is like “pietro has attacked me many times before. he also beat me to a pulp and later tried to murder me on sight years later so the slight is repaid” which is a weird kind of mental algebra but it constantly crops up when it comes to me and pietros relationship pre-childrens crusade

it’s just all vague and weird, which is just as well, because it was a vague and weird world. wanda is powerful but she rewrote forty odd years of history and essentially every person on earths lives. if the whole thing wasnt wildly “?????” it would be incredible

also im cutting myself off here because, ridiculously long post

[lxvrir]

For the ask thing....[Poses] me...w 1, 6 & 7? 💙

!!!! <3/insert purple heart here

under a read more bc im realizing how logn my responses to these are and i dont want to Kill Dashes

1: most vivid/favorite memory with them

mmmhhh

this is terrible but the first thing that came to mind was You Using The Ketchup Wrong……its just a very specific memory and weirdly vibrant for how mundane it is

but beside that it’s either the memory of eating a pretzel in new york. or this, sort of warm, yellow/orange gentle kind of memory of us sitting on the steps of the lincoln memorial, or some landmark like that….thats one of the first memories i got

6: what you thought of them after you’d talked/interacted more

mmh. this is a lot

like i…had this initial shock about the whole i’m not alone, there are others like me with powers thing, and i didn’t feel negatively about you, but i didn’t plan on staying

but something about you, maybe what you said, plus the logic of it - more manpower against shaw = higher success rate; he’s right, i can’t fight this alone, made me stay

but. hh. as time went on. it was. different. i had never spent this much time with someone, hadn’t had an actual friend in over a decade. you treated me as if i was a person, an actual person, not a weapon, or even a monster. we disagreed on many levels but agreed on others and even when we disagreed it was. interesting. you were challenging and stubborn and silly and genuine and soft so many things that i might have shyed away from or dismissed in any other circumstance. but it was you, charles, so it was good and important and something i cherished.

i mentally struggled but i was taken with you, in whatever sense, and charmed by you and, loved you, was happy, which was all very foreign to me and kind of terrifying. i wanted to protect you, and protect this weird kind of new soft relationship that i was certain i was going to ruin with my inexpertise and my brokenness - even though you didn’t see me that way (even though you are so naive to not see me that way, thought then).

and then…then cuba happened, and there was all. that. 

i can’t really…..access a lot of my emotions after cuba before dofp but i do know that i felt i had done exactly what i had thought i would do, fucked it up, because i was broke and terrible and monstrous, and it was my fault while also having this anger towards you - for not understanding , for the (perceived) rejection, for trying to change me, for being wrong - that latter becoming more Logical as the whole. trask/mutant-hunting thing began. there were wound-feelings that got buried when i was in prison and were reopened in washington and went through a process of just. healing over since then.

there’s just a lot there. there’s a lot there that was never worked through, that there wasn’t any opportunity to until after apocalypse. but….it was still underneath my love for you. i had a lot of pain and anger and loss about differing things but i always loved you, in every sense, and it was just Fact, and something that remained throughout my life, no matter what was happening, even if i tried to deaden my emotions or pretend i didn’t feel….my love for you was there.

7: any differences between your memories of them and the source

to be honest…not many? you looked generally the same, sounded and acted the same, the same depicted things happened, and so on.

there was obviously some kind of time skip in apocalypse that wasnt detailed so i guess thats a difference? i know i stayed in the mansion for some amount of time at some point after apocalypse got Fckin Wasted and there was. stuff. but i don’t really remember if i left as the movie said