The letter that was never sent.
‘Dear Seirun,’
Kirei paused as she tried to come up with the right words to say, the pen in her grip pressing to the white scroll further and further, leaving a small pin of an indent on the paper. Slowly, she started to write, carefully printing letters as the ink flowed from the nib.
‘Is it true that you will participate in a tournament soon? I wish to come visit, during that time. It sounds important to you.’
That’s not enough. Kirei bit her lip, the grip on her pen tightening as she continued to transfer words from her mind to her hand.
‘Being in Kugane... I thought we would only find answers. But now, it just seems like they are farther and farther out of reach.’
‘There is a question I always wanted to ask you, you know. I wonder, what would you do if you were in my situation? Would you break bones? Or fight until you cannot anymore? I thought I could get by, maybe ask your opinion when we get back. But for some reason...There is an itch I feel. Something is coming. Something is telling me, I should say things now, and hold no regrets.’
‘...In the same vain, how...can you know your actions will not plant the seeds for regret later? How come we can never be sure? Why do our mistakes cause us such pain?’
Kirei paused. She knew she wasn’t making much sense, but she kept writing.
‘Why do I feel so trapped within my own limitations?’
Kirei’s grip on her pen became shaky, the ink that came forth was starting to look strained, the indents of letters pressing hard into the paper.
‘I don’t want to be here, I really don’t! But I know that side of me that is speaking like this, is the one that just, does not like feeling trapped. I feel trapped. Does he want me to feel this way? I want to help, but I feel helpless. Why is it, the ties to people we care about, make us do things we wish not to do, and excuse inexcusable behavior?’.
She wasn’t making any sense, she wasn’t making any sense.... She continued to write anyway.
‘No...it is not true... I want to be here. I want to help so badly, with every fiber of my being. Its what I wanted most in my life. To be useful to someone.’
‘But I know deep down, that I cannot be of use here. I cannot be until the person I care for sees what they are doing to themselves, to both of us.’
‘I think...this feeling, the reason why I want to run... I’m afraid to admit it. I know why. Its... Because...’
Suddenly, the pen in her hands would snap in half, ink spilling all over her hands. The Miqo’te froze, and stared in horror at the black soaking into her skin. How was she going to explain this...?
Kirei gasped as she heard a familiar voice behind her, she hid the paper and ink stained hand behind her frame, trying to speak and stay calm as she stared into his eyes. After a few moments, the figure would leave. Kirei sighed a breath of relief, turning to the unfinished letter. Slowly, she pressed the scroll between her hands, crumpling it up into a little ball.
Quickly placing a fresh paper upon the table with a flutter, Kirei would write hastily, her hands smudging ink across the paper as she did so. As she signed her name, she knew she needed to get an envelope. The Miqo’te stood, and turned to walk out the door of her room at the Bokaido inn.
Kirei would not return like she had planned, leaving the letter unintentionally abandoned.
‘Seirun,
I hope you are doing well. Things in Kugane are moving slowly.
Is it true that you will participate in a tournament soon? I wish to come visit, during that time. It sounds important to you.
I feel a little trapped, I wonder if it is because I have to hide my identity when I am here?
As the days pass, I keep having this nagging feeling...that I should go home. That I am not wanted here. That I am not living up to expectations. He stares at me with hollow eyes, one devoid of passion, yet he still holds this power over me. I can’t help but to think its my fault. I do not want to move forward without him, but I think... I must. He will not see the error of his ways. He refuses to.
His actions speak volumes to me, even if he has no words. The gaze he stares at me with... He does not really care about me, for me. He wishes for me to let him go. So I shall. I shall not fight it.
I think I spoke to you before about how beauty will remind me of you. When I look up at the Dogwood trees here, I see how the sunlight falls through their leaves, casting shadows on the ground that dance and intertwine with the wind. Such simple sights hold so much peace. Things like this, make me wonder what you would think of it...
I have a feeling that soon, I will not be able to write to you. Please do not worry.
I wish to hear your voice again. Stay safe.
-Kirei.’