Note: So, you might have seen the self-cover Shou shared yesterday and it inspired me to write a fic right away. For the context: The character originally performing the song has a magic suit that makes him confident and popular with women. Please, don’t question how it works, we’ll just pretend a suit can magically change Shou’s appearance and personality in this fic ^-^ Also, if you haven’t seen the video, please check it out, because he is gorgeous in it and maybe it will make the story seem a little less random ... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgzL_Ccmr1Y
„Just go over and talk to her already”, Yutaka urged quietly.
He didn’t know whom of the girls Shou had set his eyes on, but the glances he kept sneaking at the group of women opposite to their booth at the bar were more than obvious. Yutaka had waited to speak up until Jun and Kenji had went over to the counter to secure new drinks for themselves though. Shou was naturally self-conscious and Yutaka hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable in front of the others. But his silent longing was becoming hard to bear.
“I can’t just do that”, Shou protested. Obviously, he knew what Yutaka was talking about immediately. He didn’t even seem surprised that Yutaka had noticed. “I’m not some kind of gigolo.”
Yutaka frowned. Although he was pretty good at seeing Shou through, he sometimes didn’t understand his reasoning anyway.
“Chatting up girls in bars and being a gigolo are two totally different things.”
Next to him Shou squirmed on the bench seat.
“I just don’t have that kind of confidence”, he whined.
“You are handsome, famous and you have money. Women have every reason to be interested in you. So, pull yourself together.”
Yutaka had lost count of how often he had given Shou similar pep talks already.
“I’m not”, Shou said right away. He cleared his throat. “I mean, I’m famous. And I do have money. But I’m not handsome.”
It was difficult to come up with the right reply to that. Yutaka never found the right words to talk about Shou’s looks.
“You should let them decide for themselves”, he pointed out.
Shou shifted his weight again. He reached down to check for the bag he kept on the floor between his legs. He had kept checking for it all evening, as if he was scared it might suddenly disappear.
“Please, if I go over there, I won’t even be able to look them in the eyes.” Shou winced.
Yutaka hoped that Jun and Kenji would hurry. The conversation was starting to make him uneasy. He didn’t know how to cheer Shou up without praising him, and he didn’t know how to praise him without making him uncomfortable. Being Shou’s friend could be difficult.
“What’s in the bag anyway?”, he changed the topic. Not the best solution, but at least a way to distract Shou from his self-pity.
“Ah, I wrote Party wo Tomenaide for that franchise, remember? They’re currently working on this magic suit and they gave me a prototype when I recorded the video for the self-cover. It’s supposed to make you cool and confident and popular with women.”
“And you brought it to the bar?” Yutaka hadn’t meant to let disdain sneak into his voice, but Shou pulled up his shoulders instinctively as if he wanted to shield himself from potential judgement.
“Just in case”, he said defensively. “We sometimes end up talking to women, when we’re in a group and I thought it might be a good chance to try it out. See if it even works. In case there is ever something I’ll need a lot of confidence for.”
Yutaka felt soothed to think Shou had only eyed the women as test objects to sate his curiosity about the suit and that he had not fallen in love from across the room. His tendencies in that regard were sometimes worrisome.
“Well then, give it a try”, he suggested. He had heard about the suit but hadn’t known Shou actually owned a prototype. He was curious, if it would work. Shou’s confidence could surely use an occasional boost and it would be great to no longer be the one responsible for it.
“If you insist”, Shou mumbled, but he was already fumbling with his bag. It was obvious he had only waited for some sort of permission.
He pulled out a suit coat and inhaled soundly before he got up. For a moment, he just stood there with the piece of clothing in his hands indecisively. Then he slipped it on in a surprisingly smooth motion.
All Yutaka did was blink and the next second, a completely changed person stood in front of him. Shou’s traditional Tamiya shirt had miraculously transformed into a silky, black suit. It even came with matching dress shoes. But it wasn’t just that. His hair had changed, too. It was styled in perfect shape and showed green streaks that made his look seem edgy and interesting. He was even wearing makeup that differed his usual style. A bright yellow flower stuck in his buttonhole.
Shou had transformed into someone so conventionally attractive, he might indeed start working at a host club.
Absent-mindedly he straightened his suit coat and turned towards the group of women.
He looked dazzling, but almost like a stranger.
Yutaka was surprised that he hesitated for so long before approaching the women anyway. He followed him with his eyes, curious how this would turn out.
Shou’s posture seemed straighter than usually as he walked through the room, yet he still managed to look awkward. He looked like a person who was arguing with himself about every step.
Finally, he stopped right behind a cute girl with bangs. Yutaka should have been able to guess it was her whom Shou had been watching. He would have chatted up her more light-haired friend, but when it came to Shou, she was just his type.
The girl didn’t notice him, though.
Shou just stood for a moment, although her friends had already noticed him. Seemingly, Shou had no idea how to draw attention to himself. He hesitated for far too long, before he reached out and tapped the girl on the shoulder. She flinched, which caused Shou to jolt in return and the whole situation was so awkward to watch, that Yutaka winced under his breath. The good looks and the confidence to approach women had done nothing for Shou’s coolness.
The girl turned around and even from across the room, Yutaka could tell that she seemed startled at Shou’s appearance. Her expression wasn’t annoyed but spoke of pleasant surprise. If a girl looked at you like that at first sight, it was very difficult to blow it.
Even from across the room Yutaka could tell that Shou would blow it.
Instead of looking at the girl while talking, he kept his eyes on the ground and his posture shifted, making it seem as if he wanted to curl back up into himself. He looked exactly as miserable and self-conscious talking to women as he had as a teenager. Everything about his body language radiated insecurity.
Yutaka sighed.
The woman shook her head. Instead of taking it with dignity, Shou managed to look even more miserable. Knowing him, Yutaka assumed he was probably blushing. He still didn’t make eye-contact.
After a very painful minute, Shou turned around and shuffled back to their table. He no longer seemed confident at all. His outward handsomeness remained, but it didn’t match with the way he carried himself at all.
“Sorry”, Yutaka said. “At least now you know.”
Shou sat down on the bench next to him again. Yutaka noticed that he wasn’t slumping down as usual, though, but sat surprisingly straight. It made him look taller and more self-assured.
“Too bad the suit is not working.”
“Oh, I don’t mind”, Shou said and turned towards him. His voice wasn’t as quiet and gloomy as Yutaka had expected. He spoke smugly. “I’d rather spend my time with you anyway.”
Yutaka eyed him suspiciously. The makeup suited him; his features looked more contoured and his skin smooth. His lips were always wide, but tonight they glistened invitingly. It was still Shou’s face, but the makeup brought out all its good qualities more strongly.
“What?”, he asked.
“Why would I waste my time with these women, when I can spend the night with a pretty guy like you?”, Shou asked. He was meeting Yutaka’s eyes head on. That was rare for him already, but tonight his gaze was challenging rather than stubborn.
Yutaka was so irritated by his unnaturally confident tone, that it took him a moment to realize what was going on.
“Oh, ha ha, very funny”, he said dryly.
“I mean it”, Shou insisted and placed his hand on Yutaka’s shoulder. He often did that, especially when he got tipsy and he had already had a couple of beers tonight, though by no means enough to justify him acting so out of character. His touch right now felt different, however. He wasn’t just seeking out body contact, he was using the gesture as an excuse to lean in, bringing them closer together. Suddenly, Yutaka was very aware of how close Shou was sitting.
“Let me buy you a drink”, he said, before turning around. Shou usually hated calling over the waiter and when they went to a restaurant together, he normally left it to the others. He was too shy and polite to raise his voice at strangers.
Now, he raised his arm and called out loudly: “Excuse me?” to make the young waitress turn around. “A bottle of champagne, please. Your most expensive one.”
The waitress nodded and headed off.
Shou turned back to Yutaka.
“Champagne? The expensive one? What’s gotten into you?”, Yutaka asked, still irritated. Before this, he could have written it off as a joke, but Shou would never waste money just to prank him. “You never order anything high-end.”
He still felt like he was talking to a stranger.
“Nothing but the best for my kitten”, Shou said.
Yutaka chocked.
“What?! What did you just call me?”
“Kitten”, Shou repeated. He sounded hoarse. His eyes trailed down Yutaka’s body and he didn’t try to hide the fact that he was shamelessly checking him out. It made Yutaka feel unexpectedly hot.
“Unless you prefer another pet name?”
And then Shou smiled.
It wasn’t a smug, cocky smile. His smile was warm and genuine and it looked just a little bit insecure as if he worried that he had crossed a line. It made Shou look shy and kind and charming. His teeth weren’t showing, but his lips seemed even wider and absolutely gorgeous and the small dimple on his left cheek didn’t seem as misplaced as usual, but it fit in perfectly with his handsome face. The smile turned him from a stranger into nothing but Shou, but the best version of Shou that he could possibly be. It was Shou the way he would look if he were no longer worried and self-deprecating; still shy but no longer scared.
Yutaka’s knees grew weak. But it wasn’t just his knees. It was his shoulders that suddenly held no tension anymore and his arms, that turned into butter and his whole body felt like it might just melt away when Shou smiled at him like this and called him cute names.
“Uhm”, he said.
“Your champagne”, the waitress interrupted them and Yutaka turned hastily, glad for the interruption that allowed him to clear his head. Something about this suit seemed to be working at least.
The waitress placed a bucket filled with ice on the table, that held a bottle of champagne. Steam was rising from the bottleneck, indicating that it had just been opened. Yutaka hadn’t expected it to be done for them already, but it was probably better that way. They would surely have created a mess otherwise.
The bottle came with four glasses and only their sight made Yutaka realize he had completely forgotten about Jun and Kenji. He wondered what was taking them so long.
“Let me get that for you”, Shou offered, although Yutaka hadn’t moved to fix himself a glass at all.
Shou placed his fingers on Yutaka’s wrist as if he wanted to physically stop him from helping himself. Once again, the gesture wasn’t untypical for Shou. He often touched people while talking to them, but this time, it had a different quality. Usually, his touches were distracted as if he didn’t really notice what his body was doing at all. But right now, he looked down on his hand resting on Yutaka’s bare wrist, and then he looked up, meeting his eyes, as if he wanted to make absolutely sure, that Yutaka became aware of the contact. His touch was fully intentional this time and Yutaka sensed heat creeping up his neck.
The touch lasted just long enough to not feel accidental, then Shou pulled back and reached for the bottle of champagne instead. He closed his long, slender fingers around the bottleneck firmly and took up a glass. His movements were secure and controlled. Yutaka had always admired Shou’s hands, that seemed too elegant and coordinated for someone who moved the way he did. But when it came to his hands, Shou always seemed to know what he was doing.
He poured a glass of champagne without spilling a drop and held it out to Yutaka.
Yutaka thought that with all the things that had changed, Shou’s hands had stayed exactly the same.
He took the glass and Shou held his gaze for a moment. It was Yutaka, who looked away first. Shou was wearing coloured lenses and his eyes were bright and intriguing. He didn’t seem in a hurry as he poured himself a glass as well.
Yutaka watched his movements closely. He could still recognize Shou’s way of moving, but he seemed less stressed and therefore less awkward. The only real difference seemed to be, that he was relaxed for a change and Yutaka wondered, if Shou would always look this sexy, if only he managed to put him at ease more.
Shou placed the bottle back into the bucket and held up his glass to Yutaka while meeting his eyes again.
“To a night full of fun”, he said. He said it like he was thinking of something dirty.
“To a fun night”, Yutaka agreed and clinked his glass to Shou’s. He did his best to make it sound less suggestive.
He emptied half of the glass in large gulps. The champagne made him feel bubbly inside, but he doubted it was because of the alcohol. This version of Shou made him nervous.
“Tastes expensive”, he observed lamely, although he couldn’t tell one champagne from the other.
Shou smiled again and once more, Yutaka thought that his lips looked stunning tonight.
“Oh, you guys ordered champagne!”, Kenji’s voice chimed in unexpectedly.
“When did you change, Shou? Is that the magic suit?”, Jun asked and pulled up his chair to sit down opposite to them.
Although Yutaka had hoped to be rescued from this weird tension, he still felt mad at them for interrupting.
Kenji placed himself on the bench next to Shou.
“He brought the suit to the bar to pick up girls, but it doesn’t work”, Yutaka declared maliciously. He was no longer sure if he was annoyed with Jun and Kenji for showing up, or for staying away for so long, or with Shou for acting so weird in the first place.
Shou patted the bench next to himself.
“Here, Kenji, come closer”, he said.
Kenji shuffled closer.
“Why?”, he asked. It was very much like Kenji to comply first and ask questions later.
Shou raised his hand and ran his forefinger across Kenji’s sharp jawline.
“So I can get a better look at your handsome face.”
Something inside of Yutaka constricted uncomfortably. He didn’t know why he felt so upset, but he couldn’t deny that he felt jealous of Kenji. Since the suit hadn’t worked on the girls, he had assumed it was only him having this effect on Shou.
“Oh god, what’s up with you?”, Jun asked, sounding seriously worried.
Kenji gave an embarrassed sound, but started pouring champagne for him and Jun as well without waiting for an invitation.
“The suit is turning him gay”, Yutaka explained nonchalantly and emptied his own glass.
“What’s turning me gay is sitting here with such cute guys”, Shou said lightly. He didn’t sound embarrassed at all. Rather than joking, he seemed flirting.
“That’s disturbing”, Jun said somewhat too loudly. “Someone get him out of this suit!”
Shou batted his eyelashes before looking right at Jun at the other side of the table.
“Please, Jun”, he said. “If you want to undress me, all you have to do is ask.”
Jun made a startled noise that turned into a mixture between a nervous laugh and a cough.
Yutaka placed his glass on the table too soundly.
Shou turned towards him. He leaned in closely.
“Don’t be jealous, kitten”, he said lowly. “I haven’t forgotten about you.”
Yutaka wondered how Shou had noticed his feelings without even looking at him, when Yutaka had troubles naming them himself. He felt oddly happy when he heard the pet name again. Shou hadn’t used it for Jun and Kenji. Maybe that meant something.
“I’m not jealous”, he lied and reached for the bottle of champagne. “I just need more alcohol, if you’re going to stay like this.”
He poured himself the rest of the champagne until his glass was so full, it nearly overflowed, before he put the empty bottle back onto the table.
Shou pulled the flower from his buttonhole. Up close, Yutaka could tell that it was a yellow rose.
“Here”, Shou said. When his voice was so low and deep, Yutaka’s body turned into butter again. He wondered, if Shou had the same effect on Jun and Kenji while wearing the suit.
“What are you doing? Get that thing out of my face!”
“Take it”, Shou insisted. “This one is only for you. To remind you, that you’re special to me.”
Yutaka hesitated. He wished Shou would sound joking, because a joking Shou was something he knew how to deal with. He still had the feeling that he was getting pranked, but he didn’t know how to avoid it.
He took the rose gingerly and placed it on the table plate demonstratively instead of keeping it in his hands. Shou’s facial expression was impossible to read. Yutaka could not tell, if he had offended him.
“It’s empty already?!”, Kenji complained. He had taken up the champagne bottle and studied it in disbelief.
“I can order another round!”, Shou offered right away and already raised his hand, but luckily, Kenji stopped him.
“It’s fine”, he said quickly. He seemed to be a little uncomfortable around this new version of Shou as well.
“Yes, I think it’s time we all go home”, Jun confirmed.
“No!”, Shou protested. “No, no! This party can’t stop! We have to keep drinking! Let’s celebrate all night.”
“It’s late”, Kenji pointed out.
“And you seem to need rest the most”, Jun agreed.
“You should take off this suit”, Kenji added. He spoke very gently, not like he was soothing Shou, but as if he was seriously worried about him.
“They’re right”, Yutaka said softly. He realized that he was worried about Shou, too. Tonight, he seemed unpredictable and possibly reckless. “Let’s pay the bill and then I’ll take you home.”
Shou turned and looked at him cheekily.
“I see, so you want to continue the party elsewhere.” His tone left no room for wondering what kind of party he had in mind.
“What? No!”
“I’ll take you to a fancy hotel”, Shou suggested and this time, he leaned in so far that Yutaka involuntarily pulled back. “Just give me a chance. If you let me, I’ll make you feel things that no woman has ever made you feel before.”
Yutaka’s neck felt hot again and now his face started to heat as well. He thought of everything that entailed. He thought of feeling Shou inside of him.
“Just let me try”, Shou coaxed, but he no longer sounded flirtatious. He sounded like he was begging. The despair in Shou’s voice scared him. He didn’t know what to do with it.
“Shou”, he said as sternly as possible and grabbed him by the shoulder to push him back. It felt like dealing with someone, who was very, very drunk. “It’s really time you take off that suit and get some sleep.”
Shou pulled back from his touch and wrinkles were showing around the root of his nose. The lines made his face look so characteristically himself, that Yutaka felt almost relieved.
“I don’t want to”, Shou said and finally, he sounded like his stubborn self again. “I don’t want this party to end.” He seemed to be repeating the words like a spell now and gestured towards the table as if he wanted to include everything. “I don’t want this night to end. I want to stay with you all night.” He gestured towards himself. “Like this.”
Yutaka didn’t fully understand what Shou meant, but his emotions seemed so raw and honest, it pained him anyway.
“You can’t, Shou. You are not yourself.”
Shou hung his head.
“I am”, he said. “I am.”
“Hey”, Yutaka said gently and touched his arm. Jun and Kenji stayed out of the conversation like they always did, when Shou turned difficult. It was only ever Yutaka, who managed to soothe him. “You need some rest.”
“Fine”, Shou agreed reluctantly. “But you have to take me. And I’m keeping on the suit.”
“Okay.” Yutaka sighed. He figured they could argue over the details later. He looked up at their bandmates. “Why don’t you guys go pay? We’ll pay you back later. I’ll make sure Shou gets home safely. Maybe the fresh air will help.”
“Alright”, Jun agreed. The fact, that neither of them argued about splitting the bill immediately although it contained the expensive bottle of champagne proved they were all irritated by Shou.
“Come here”, Yutaka said as gently as possible and took Shou’s arm to pull him up from the bench. “Let’s get you home.”
Shou followed without resistance. He picked up his bag, that was now empty and allowed Yutaka to guide him over to the front door of the bar.
It was colder outside, although the temperatures were warm enough that they didn’t need a jacket. The cold air cleared Yutaka’s mind a little, but finally getting some distance to Shou certainly helped as well. Inside the bar, he had started to feel dizzy.
Yutaka pulled out his phone and opened an app.
“I think I’m going to call us a cab, alright? We can’t take the train with you looking like this. Also, you might try to pick up random guys, if we don’t get you home straight away.”
“You’re jealous again”, Shou observed and this time, he sounded gleeful.
“I’m not”, Yutaka muttered and requested a ride before putting the phone back into his pocket.
When he looked up, he realized Shou was standing awfully close again. The suit seemed to be making him taller as well, because Yutaka had to look up to him slightly. Maybe it was just his straight posture in combination with the heel of the dress shoes though.
“Have you heard of personal space before?”, he complained and took a step backwards.
Shou took a step forward immediately. If anything, he was standing even closer than before.
“Sorry, that my handsomeness is making you nervous”, he said with a sleek grin. Yutaka had not thought that to be sentence he would ever hear from Shou unironically.
“Uh”, Yutaka said. He had been meaning to deny it, but Shou’s face was so close now, that he forgot how to say words.
“Shh, kitten”, Shou said quietly. He reached up and cupped Yutaka’s face with both hands. His touch was gentle but very secure. Yutaka could sense how bony and strong his fingers felt. They were surprisingly cool.
He knew that he was supposed to pull back, but he stood frozen, and he felt guilty for that. He knew that Shou was not himself and it was up to him to keep the situation from getting weird. But truth was, that he liked the way Shou touched him and he liked it when he held his gaze for so long and he liked it, when he called him kitten.
“Don’t”, he forced out softly anyway. “You can’t just do something like that in public.”
They were the only ones out on the street, but someone might walk out of the bar any moment. Anyone could see them.
“I don’t care”, Shou said. “I don’t want to worry about who could possibly see us. I’m tired of always worrying. I just want to kiss you.” He paused. “May I?”
Yutaka knew exactly what the answer was supposed to be. Under no circumstances could he allow this to happen, because it was reckless and dumb and moreover immoral.
“Yes”, he whispered.
Shou leaned in and kissed him with astonishing force. His kiss wasn’t hesitant at all. He kissed like he knew what he wanted. His lips were soft and his hold on Yutaka was firm. It made him feel very safe and oddly frail. He parted his lips and allowed Shou to kiss him like no one had ever kissed him in a public space before. Their teeth clicked together and Shou’s nose brushed his cheek and when he pulled back eventually, Yutaka was out of breath.
Shou looked at him and he broke into that sweet, bashful smile again, that looked so much like him, except lighter and happier than Yutaka had ever seen him before.
For a moment, he thought that he might just give in. He considered going back to a hotel with this new version of Shou, who would hold him in his strong arms and whisper sweet nothings into his ear and kiss him full of confidence. Yutaka would grow weak in his arms, because he was handsome and cool and self-assured.
But it wasn’t real.
“Stop it”, he said as gently as possible as Shou moved to lean in once again. “This is no good.”
“We can go somewhere more private”, Shou offered immediately.
Yutaka shook his head.
“It’s this suit. There is something wrong with it. It obviously works on men instead of women. It’s making you weird. You need to take it off.”
“No, no, please”, Shou said and he reached up instinctively, clawing his hand into the lapel of the suit coat as if he was scared Yutaka might try to tear it off. “This suit is not changing me. It’s just making me more confident. It’s … This is me. This is the version of me that’s in my head. It’s who I want to be. All the time. I don’t want to … I can’t let this end. I want to stay this version. I don’t want this party to end.” Vaguely he gestured back to the bar.
“So, you want to be someone, who promiscuously hits on all of his bandmates?” It had been meant as a joke, but it came out bitter. The way Shou had touched Kenji’s face made their kiss just now meaningless – regardless of whenever it was the suit or something Shou repressed violently.
“I want to be someone who is at terms with and open about his sexuality”, Shou blurted out.
Yutaka was pretty sure that the surprised was written all over his face. Before tonight, Shou had never indicated liking men at all.
“I want to be able to joke about it”, Shou said. “I don’t want to hide from the people closest to me. But most importantly, I want to show you how I feel. You’re the person I …”
He finally let go of his suit coat and his arm dropped down by his side as if he no longer had the energy to gesture at all.
“I wanted to try if the suit worked. I thought, if it does, I’d one day wear it to tell you. I wasn’t meaning to do it right away. Things got out of hand. I was scared of this night ending, because … I don’t know what will come afterwards.”
Yutaka licked his lips.
“So, you …?”, he started, but didn’t know how to finish the question.
“Yeah”, Shou confirmed. “I love you. And when I’m wearing this suit … when I’m wearing it, I’m cool and handsome. I’ll keep wearing it. And if you give me a chance, I think I can make you like me a little too. You allowed me to kiss you like this. You are at least somewhat attracted to me in this suit. I can be this version of myself for you. I’ll keep being it.”
Yutaka shook his head slightly.
“What are you going to do?” He wasn’t mocking Shou. He was sad, because Shou sounded so desperate. “Keep wearing the suit in your sleep?”
Shou shrugged and smiled helplessly.
“I hope they’ll design magic pyjamas soon”, he said.
Yutaka looked at Shou and all he saw was a handsome host. He had no idea where the despair in his voice was coming from. It was as if he couldn’t see below the pretty surface at all.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?”, Shou plead. “I confessed to you. Don’t I deserve an answer?”
“Please, take off the suit”, Yutaka said. He suddenly felt exhausted. He was tired of dealing with this person in front of him. He just wanted to talk to his friend. “I want to give you a proper reply, but I can’t when you are wearing this suit.”
“It makes me better”, Shou insisted.
“This …” Yutaka gestured towards Shou and the green streaks in his hair. “I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. I need to make sure it’s really you.”
Shou looked at him for a long time and Yutaka was convinced he would decline. But then he nodded and slowly took off the suit coat.
He blinked and then Shou was already different.
He was back in his Tamiya shirt, his arms bare and pale and awkwardly holding on to the suit coat. His hair was blonde again and looked uncombed because he had run his hands through it early this evening. His face was flushed and bare and his eyes were tiny, but dark and so much warmer than when he was wearing coloured lenses. He kept his eyes cast down and yet Yutaka had the feeling he was seeing them for the first time tonight. He seemed small, hunched over once again and his head too large for his shoulders, making him look frail and in need of protection.
Yutaka felt a giant wave of affection rushing through him and he had to stop himself from wrapping his arms around Shou.
He had missed him. He had missed him so much more than he had ever expected. And he thought that this awkward little guy with the small eyes and the messy hair was the most beautiful version of a human being possible.
“Hey”, he said quietly.
Shou looked up briefly, but he didn’t manage to hold his gaze for too long, just as it had always been.
“Hey”, he replied.
“Do you …?” Yutaka broke off. For a moment, he considered that Shou might have forgotten about everything that had happened tonight. “Do you still feel the same? Without the suit?”
“Yeah”, Shou confirmed. “The same. Plus, an awful lot of regret for saying it out loud.”
Yutaka chuckled.
“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.” Shou looked down onto the suit coat in his hands. His hands still looked the same. “I behaved awful tonight. Sorry for putting you into a position like this. Let’s just forget I ever said anything. In fact, let’s just forget about this entire night.”
Worried lines were showing everywhere on Shou’s face. His face looked all weird and wrinkly. He looked like his old gloomy, over-thinking self again.
“I should probably burn this thing to make sure I never do anything this stupid again.”
“You probably should”, Yutaka agreed.
Shou had looked happier when wearing the suit, more relaxed. Yutaka wanted him to look this happy always, but he knew they’d have to find a different way for that.
“Sorry”, Shou mumbled again.
Yutaka paused for a moment.
“Though, if I’m honest, I’m going to miss you calling me your kitten”, he confessed jokingly.
Shou looked irritated. Yutaka let him suffer for just a few seconds more.
“I’m also going to miss you kissing me”, he added.
Shou looked up and sucked in his lower lip. His teeth were showing visibly. He looked by no means conventionally attractive and Yutaka loved him for that.
“Really?”, Shou asked insecurely.
“Really”, Yutaka assured him without hesitation.
Shou started smiling and it was the same smile as before. The warm one with the cute dimple, that made his lips look gorgeous and that was shy and hesitant, but finally happy without a trace of worry. And Yutaka thought, that they were going to get there and that they wouldn’t need a magic suit for it at all.
“We can always work on that”, Shou said. “Right, kitten?”
Note: It’s Shou’s birthday! (^-^) The fic is set during Gekkan and no one has to keep social distance ... because it’s funnier that way :D
„Now, let’s get to the good part”, Shou announced and eyed the three gift bags piled up in front of him. “Though your presents are usually shit. You never get me anything useful.”
Yutaka thought of rolling his eyes, but decided that it would be a little over the top. He felt self-conscious when the cameras were on them and tried to keep his expression as indifferent as possible. The viewers were supposed to laugh about the presents without getting distracted by their bickering.
He rolled his eyes mentally, though, because Shou always overdid it with the usefulness of his presents.
“Well, we’re only allowed to spend 1000 yen!”, Jun defended himself. “You don’t really get anything good for that.”
“I think you just suck at picking gifts”, Shou muttered and grabbed the first gift bag.
For a moment, Yutaka felt nervous that Shou would pick his one first, although he had put it out of his reach further than the others on purpose. But Shou seemed to understand the hint. Yutaka felt confident, that he had come up with something funny this year and they usually tried to put the most ridiculous gift last for the joke to hit harder.
Shou fumbled with the bag.
Yutaka hoped that neither Kenji nor Jun would steal the show, but he doubted they had thought of anything nearly as good. He had really outdone himself this year. He couldn’t wait to see Shou’s face.
“Oh, great”, Shou said dryly and held up a book. “Another photobook by Kenji. I can add it to my collection.”
“The new one was released after your birthday, so I thought you might want a copy!”, Kenji chimed. “It contains pictures of me. Isn’t that an amazing present?!”
Shou looked down on the cover with slight disdain.
“Because I don’t see enough of you on tour”, he said and put the book down.
Yutaka knew that he wasn’t going to open it. Shou felt that looking at his bandmates’ photobooks was somehow inappropriate. Which was ridiculous in case of Kenji specifically, because they had all seen plenty of nude pictures of him already. Sometimes, Yutaka thought that he knew Kenji’s body better than his own.
“Aren’t you happy?” Kenji was shouting. He sounded cheerful and it was hard to tell if he expected Shou to be overjoyed for real. His voice was teasing yet proud at the same time. Kenji loved showing off his body.
“I’m delighted”, Shou said sarcastically.
“If you liked that, you’re going to love my gift”, Jun said.
Shou made a face, indicating that he was expecting the worst.
He picked up Jun’s bag.
Yutaka licked his lips nervously. He really hoped the gift was going to be as unspectacular as Kenji’s photobook.
Shou reached into the gift bag, making a big show out of feeling around in it.
“There is nothing in there!”, he complained. “Did you get me something this small?”
“It’s not about the size”, Jun said.
Yutaka smirked, but refrained from making a joke.
Finally, Shou pulled something from the bag and held it up. If anything, his expression was even more grim this time.
“Thanks, Jun”, he said without any enthusiasm. “Just what I needed.”
Yutaka looked at the acrylic stand in Shou’s hand, that showed Jun mostly dressed in white.
Shou placed the item on top of Kenji’s photobook and looked down on them for a moment.
“Do you really hate me this much?”, he asked.
“Oi, those are good presents!”, Kenji shouted.
“You can put it on your shelf, so I’ll always be watching over you!”, Jun added.
“Sounds like my personal nightmare”, Shou muttered and pulled the last gift bag towards himself. “This better be good, Yutaka. If it’s something with your face on it, I’m going to scream.”
“Don’t worry”, Yutaka said with a grin. “This one is going to be good.”
Shou gave him a doubtful look, before he put his hand into the bag.
Yutaka’s heartbeat picked up pace. He really hoped this was going to turn out as funny as it had in his imagination. Shou talked about his AV watching habits openly, yet he got flustered by things like looking at a bandmate’s photobook. Yutaka was curious into which category this gift would fall. A part of him really was curious how Shou felt about these things, although that intention had been secondary of course. Yutaka was mostly aiming for a laugh here.
Shou felt around and his eyes widened in a comical expression. He was clearly putting on a show for their viewers, but it still made Yutaka feel giddy with anticipation.
“Well, I know exactly what this feels like”, Shou observed. “But I doubt …”
He pulled the gift out of the bag.
“Oh, never mind”, he said and held the flesh-coloured dildo up for the cameras. Yutaka wondered, if they were going to blur it. He had gone for a naturalistic look. “This is exactly what it felt like.”
“You said you wanted something useful”, Yutaka said, pleased with himself. Even from where he was seated, he could see that the comment section was going wild. “And this is the only one of the gifts you can actually use.”
“Oi!”, Jun protested.
Yutaka looked at him with a stern expression.
“Name one thing you can actually use an acrylic stand for”, he challenged him.
“That … that thing isn’t much better”, Jun said and pointed to the dildo, that Shou was still weighting in his hand.
“Well, I can name one use for it at least”, Yutaka countered. “If you want me to elaborate …”
“Shut up!”, Jun shouted and nearly broke down on his table with laughter. He always laughed harder, when he felt embarrassed.
Kenji was cackling as well.
Shou put the dildo down on Kenji’s photobook quite carefully.
“I thought the other presents were giving me the finger already, but this one takes the message of ‘Go fuck yourself’ to a whole new level.”
Yutaka couldn’t help laughing. This was what he had always liked about Shou. He was funny, not just when it came to writing shows and developing concepts, but he was also spontaneous and never missed a beat. Secretly, Yutaka had hoped he would get a little more flustered about the present, but he took it with dignity; not giving away how he felt about this kind of toy in general.
“You’re welcome”, he said.
“But isn’t it too big?”, Kenji chipped in. “I mean, look at how big it is! And Shou is so small!”
“Fuck you too, Kenji”, Shou huffed.
“Seriously, get up, get up!”, Kenji shouted.
Shou sighed loudly but got up from his seat.
Yutaka snatched the dildo and held it up next to Shou’s hip for comparison.
“Kenji’s right”, he agreed. “If you shove it up your ass, it’s practically going to come back out of your mouth.”
“Oh god, do you have to talk like that!”, Jun complained hysterically. “Just put that thing away.”
Yutaka noticed that he eyed the dildo as if it was a weapon that might attack him anytime.
“There is no way it will fit!”, Kenji repeated. “It’s even bigger than Jun. Look at the girth. And Shou’s anus is so small!”
“Could we not discuss my asshole in public?”, Shou asked and sat down again.
Kenji leaned over the table and formed a small circle with his fingers, that he held right into the camera. “It’s this tiny!”, he shouted.
Yutaka turned and slapped the dildo right into Jun’s face.
Jun started screaming.
Yutaka laughed maliciously.
“Kenji, stop that, put your hand down”, Shou scolded, but he had to laugh in spite of himself.
“Take that thing out of my face, you are being gross!”, Jun shouted, while Yutaka still tried to rub the toy against Jun’s face. Jun raised his arms to defend himself, but he did it so uncoordinatedly, that he nearly fell off his chair.
“It’s not gross. It hasn’t even been used”, Yutaka disagreed. “Yet.”
“Don’t make me think of it!”, Jun protested.
“He’s not going to use it. It’s too big”, Kenji insisted once again.
The only one, who didn’t say anything about possibly using it or not, was Shou himself. It only made Yutaka more curious.
Jun finally lowered his arms to stop fighting and Yutaka lost interest immediately. He put the dildo back down onto the photobook. He still wondered, if they had blurred it. If so, his attack on Jun must have looked pretty ridiculous to the audience.
“You still have to chose your favourite”, Yutaka pointed out.
“Right!”, Kenji agreed. “Please pick your favourite gift.”
“It’s really going to be a tough decision”, Jun said. As usual, he sounded nervous for no specific reason.
Shou stared down on his gifts with an indifferent yet somehow resigning expression.
Yutaka licked his lips. He wasn’t sure what Shou was going to pick. Of course, it would be the gift of which the choice would be funniest to the fans. Shou was that type of person. Yutaka felt oddly stressed, because he himself wouldn’t know how to play off any of the choices as a joke. Maybe he’d pick Jun’s acrylic stand and claim it was at least good for throwing things at.
“I pick the dildo”, Shou finally said after a long pause. “It’s an awful present, but it’s the only one where I don’t have to see one of you idiots.”
“I knew you’d like it, homo”, Yutaka said smugly, but he couldn’t deny that he felt a little surprised. He would have expected Shou to be too uptight to even joke about it. Just sometimes, he wondered about Shou sexual orientation, but he had never dared to ask.
One of the staff members rushed in to collect the items from Shou’s desk to create space for him, although they had already reached the end of the stream anyway. The opening of the gifts had been the climax so to speak.
“That was it for today”, Shou started and Yutaka tuned out while he continued talking next to him. Shou talked a lot on these programs. Occasionally, Yutaka felt like he might as well stay home. A nap would have been a nice alternative.
He only sprung back into life to wave everyone goodbye and wish them a good night. He himself had to suppress a yawn.
“Ah, today was fun, wasn’t it?”, Jun asked as the cameras stopped running. He seemed to have forgotten that someone had slapped a dildo into his face earlier.
“Did you enjoy your birthday, Shou?”, Kenji asked.
“You could have tried a little harder with the presents”, Shou pointed out. “But thank you for participating.” He always scaled down his grumpy act when they were in private as if he was worried it was his duty to motivate them and tell them they did a good job as their band leader. Neither of them had ever viewed Shou as that type of leader, though, and he always seemed a bit helpless when he tried to thank them. Yutaka thought that it was somehow adorable, though.
“Well, I’m going to remove my paint before we leave”, Kenji announced.
“I’m coming with you”, Jun agreed and jumped up.
The staff members were busy carrying the camera equipment out of the room. Yutaka always felt a little uncomfortable watching them do actual work, while he just earned his money sitting around and letting Shou do the talking. He felt useless, but if he offered to help, he’d mostly be in the way, because he never knew where to put the equipment and one time, he had even dropped a pretty expensive mic.
Shou got up and stretched himself. He always seemed bothered by sitting for too long, but it was probably only because of his bad posture.
He looked around the room.
“Did you see where they put the gifts?”, he asked.
“What?”, Yutaka teased. “Are you that eager to look at Kenji’s nudes at home? Just follow him on Instagram like everyone else.”
“No, of course not, I want the dildo”, Shou said. He spoke seriously and not like he was joking at all. It was hard to tell, though, because he was still looking around the room instead of facing Yutaka.
Yutaka’s throat felt oddly tight.
“You do?”, he asked, keeping his voice flat to not give away his emotions.
“Sure”, Shou confirmed. He walked around the tables and started checking the floor as if the staff might just have dropped his gifts.
Yutaka got up awkwardly as well, leaning against the table as he watched Shou. He didn’t really know what to do with his body, but it felt wrong to just remain seated.
“I wasn’t lying, it’s the best present. I mean, I always wanted to get a proper dildo, but then couldn’t bring myself to actually spend the money. I’ve been using a plug for years.” Shou was just rambling on while walking the room that was now empty aside from them. He didn’t look at Yutaka. “Not one of those small, glittery ones, mind you. You know, the mean-looking, black ones, that are more spikey.”
He turned around and indicated a quite impressive size considering he was only talking about a plug.
“You know?”, he repeated and looked at Yutaka so expectantly, as if he really assumed he knew exactly what kind of sex toy Shou was talking about. He’d probably seen it in AVs before and assumed the rest of the world watched as much porn as him.
Yutaka shrugged, hoping to look more knowledgeable than he was.
He tried not to imagine Shou using anything dildo-like on himself. How flushed he would be and how aroused and how naked.
“Glad my present turned out to be …” He cleared his throat. “… pleasing.”
Shou turned around again, continuing his pacing through the room.
“I just wish you hadn’t picked one that’s the size of Godzilla’s cock”, he complained.
“Oh no, it’s not. Godzilla’s cock was too expensive”, Yutaka said dryly.
Shou laughed.
“Seriously, I wonder if Kenji is right though. I might not be practiced enough to make it fit.”
Yutaka licked his lips. Shou’s casualness made him insecure. He did not want to think about how practiced Shou was in this regard or what that practice looked like in detail.
“Sorry, I didn’t think you were actually into gay sex toys”, he huffed out to defend himself.
Shou turned around again and frowned.
“What are you talking about?”, he asked, sounding annoyed. “It’s a toy. It doesn’t have a gender. It says nothing about your sexual orientation. It’s gay when you are with another man. But when I’m doing it by myself, there is no other man involved. There is nothing gay about enjoying some additional stimulation. It’s physically pleasing regardless of whom you are attracted to.”
As much sense as Shou’s words made, they still confused Yutaka. He felt a disappointment, that surprised himself. He hadn’t gotten the gift with a certain intention after all. It had been meant as a joke, something that would make the fans laugh.
“If you say so”, he mumbled, making it sound sarcastic. He felt like he wanted to avenge some sort of hurt that he couldn’t quite name. Shou’s statement hadn’t invalidated him in any way after all. “I just wasn’t expecting it from you.”
“Oh, trust me, if you can do it by yourself, I’ve tried”, Shou said.
Yutaka tried to laugh, but his throat felt too tight for it to come out naturally. It sounded as if he was coughing.
“Whatever”, he said, scared that Shou would offer any more details that he wouldn’t know how to deal with.
“I didn’t take you to be this prudish”, Shou bit out sharply, seemingly aware that Yutaka was trying to change the topic.
He had crossed the room completely now and had stopped short in front of the tables again.
His words were clearly meant as an accusation. Yutaka felt like they were fighting, but he didn’t know about what. He felt angry at Shou, although he couldn’t explain what kind of reaction he had been hoping for. And Shou seemed angry at him, although Yutaka felt like he had stayed pretty neutral.
“Well, not all of us need to stick to toys to enjoy themselves”, he said, although he knew it was Shou’s weak spot. He was sensitive about not feeling attractive enough to be desirable to others. It was the kind of comment, that was aiming to hurt Shou, even though Yutaka still couldn’t explain his reasons for that.
“So, you prefer real cock?”, Shou shot back immediately.
The question came so unexpectedly that it left Yutaka speechless.
It wasn’t what he had meant to say, but he didn’t know if he was supposed to deny it either. Shou had sounded angry, but also a little insecure. Yutaka couldn’t tell what answer he was hoping for. The mood shift had come too suddenly.
“I …”, he stuttered. “I mean … I did before, yes. Sex with men, I mean. By no means often, though. I …”
He broke off, because he didn’t know what else to say. He had wanted to tell Shou for a long time already, but he had never known how to bring it up. He hadn’t been sure about his reaction. Whenever it was not outright introduced as a joke, the topic of homosexuality always seemed to make Shou somewhat uncomfortable.
Shou nodded.
“I thought so”, he said quietly. He no longer sounded angry at all. “I’ve always wondered.”
“I was wondering how you would react to the dildo”, Yutaka confessed. “I was curious.”
Shou walked towards Yutaka and sat down on the table next to him. His feet were dangling just a few centimetres above the floor. Again, he was sitting hunched over.
“How does it feel?”, he asked. “Sex with another man?”
Yutaka shrugged. Both of them were looking into the same direction instead of facing each other.
“Good.” He paused. “I mean, it’s much the same as sex with women. It depends on the partner and the situation. But generally speaking, it’s good.”
“I always felt silly”, Shou confessed. Yutaka didn’t know when their conversation had turned this quiet and serious. Shou right next to him seemed fragile all of a sudden and Yutaka wanted to hug him, and was scared he’d fall apart under his touch all the same. He remained sitting still.
“I’m attracted to men like I’m attracted to women, but I never had sex with a guy. I just don’t know how to get there. It’s like I’m still the same sad virgin I was in my early twenties. Like, a half-virgin. I turned 37 today and still haven’t unlocked half of my sexuality.”
Yutaka snorted with laughter, although he knew that Shou was serious.
“I thought I’d feel less stupid if I used a proper dildo at least. Like, less as if it’s all just in my head.”
Yutaka snorted again and shook his head.
“You define your sexuality yourself. It’s nothing you have to unlock”, he pointed out. “And what happened to toys being inherently genderless?”
“It’s a silicone cock, Yutaka”, Shou said. “That’s gay.”
Yutaka burst out laughing. Suddenly, he felt very affectionate towards Shou.
“I should probably ask the staff where they put it”, Shou added and sighed.
“Really?”, Yutaka mocked. “You’re just going to ask where they put the sex toy you were meaning to stuff up your ass?”
Shou groaned and made a face, that caused his nose to wrinkle. He still wore his makeup, which usually made him more conventionally attractive, but once he made faces, he looked more like himself again. In Yutaka’s opinion, that made him a lot cuter too.
“You are right, I should just write it off as lost. Too bad, tonight promised to be fun.”
Yutaka’s neck felt hot at the thought of Shou actually planning to use the dildo tonight.
He pushed himself off the table, so he could face Shou, who kept his eyes lowered.
“You know you don’t need to have sex with another man to validate that part of your sexuality or your identity, right?”, Yutaka assured.
Shou nodded reluctantly.
“Yes, intellectually, I know that.”
“And you wouldn’t do anything stupid you’d regret just to prove something to yourself, right?”, Yutaka carried on.
Shou nodded again.
“I’m not stupid”, he muttered.
“And it still means so much to you?”, Yutaka asked.
Shou finally looked up. He wasn’t wearing contact lenses tonight and his eyes were dark and clear.
“It does”, he confirmed. “I’m curious. But I don’t just want to do it with anyone. Then it wouldn’t be so hard. I want it to be with someone I feel comfortable with. Someone I care about and who’s willing to put up with me when I’m being awkward.”
“Yes”, Yutaka confirmed. “Sounds like a dildo alright.”
Shou reached out to slap him.
“Asshole”, he said with a slight smirk.
“Seriously, though”, Yutaka said. “It’s my present that got lost, so I feel like I have to compensate you.”
Hesitantly he reached out and took hold of Shou’s hand. It felt warm and Yutaka hoped that his palm didn’t feel sweaty. He was nervous.
“Let’s go home and celebrate your birthday properly, what do you say?”
He looked at Shou and for a moment feared that he would pull back and get angry at him. Not for liking guys, at least in that regard they seemed safe now. But for risking their band and their friendship and offering something to Shou he might not even want.
“You know, the dildo was nice”, Shou said and broke into a wide, unashamed grin. “But I told you, it seemed too big for me anyway.”
Note: This fic is set in 2003, so before the official foundation of Golden Bomber, when Shou was still trying to become a comedian. They watch a movie and if you know it, you get what I’m talking about, but it’s perfectly understandable without having seen it as well (^-^) Oh, and it does get a little sexual, just so you know.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed on a certain musician in this fic are solely those of the characters and in no way reflect those of the author!
“Here, make yourself comfortable”, Shou offered and threw two pillows onto the futon he had just rolled out on the floor.
There was no other place to sit. Even laying out the futon had proven difficult enough and there wasn’t enough space for even a single chair in the apartment.
Yutaka sat down on the futon, propping up one of the pillows against the wall, so he could rest his back against it. He looked around the apartment. He had visited Shou before, but usually it was just to pick him up. The one-room apartment was too small to welcome several guests at once. Due to the size and probably also due to monetary issues, Shou hardly owned furniture. He kept his place a lot cleaner than you would expect of a 19-year-old single guy, though.
“I’m so excited”, Shou said, fumbling with the laptop while keeping his back on Yutaka. “I’m sure the movie will be amazing. Gackt is so cool! Did you realize his character is also named Shou in the movie? It’s like we have a connection!”
Yutaka watched his hunched back. Shou had the ability to remain standing still while also moving around too much. Sometimes, Yutaka thought he just seemed to be brimming with energy.
“Ph, Gackt”, he muttered, partly because he really didn’t understand why Shou liked him so much, and partly to make a point. “I’m sure Hyde will steal the show.”
Even if he didn’t like Gackt much, he was still oddly happy that he was in the movie. Shou loved Gackt and Yutaka loved Hyde. It was obvious they both wanted to see Moon Child as soon as it came out, so it was only logical they did so together. None of their friends had wanted to watch with them.
While Yutaka was grateful for that, it also made him nervous. They hung out with a group of friends often, but he rarely spent time alone with Shou. The movie offered the perfect excuse to do just that.
Being alone with him at his apartment made Yutaka feel giddy.
It was true, that Shou didn’t look like much at first glance, but Yutaka had realized just how charismatic he was quite early on anyway. Shou was funny and witty, and he had a way of looking at you when you spoke, that really made you feel listened to. He was just the type of guy, whom you didn’t want to let down. In his presence, Yutaka wanted to be interesting to make his attentive listening worth it. He wanted to be funny and make him laugh, because he didn’t want to fall short next to him, and because there was something about his laughter, that made you feel all warm and queasy inside.
Yutaka hadn’t noticed any of the other guys going out of their way that much to appeal to Shou, but he was sure, that it was universal. He was such a unique guy that it was impossible to not want to be liked by him. Even after knowing him for years now, Yutaka still felt nervous around him, because he wanted to be Shou’s friend so badly.
“Yeah, I mean, Hyde is pretty and all that. But Gackt is cool, in a manly way. He is so tall and handsome. He is all that a man should be.”
Yutaka’s face started to feel hot.
“Well, I for one prefer pretty over manly, homo”, he teased, though he was aware it was a problematic statement. It implied he liked Hyde after all, who was also a man – even if he was small. He also didn’t want Shou to feel like he thought it was weird to think of another man as handsome. His face still felt hot. He was uncomfortable, but couldn’t explain why.
“Please”, Shou said lightly and finally turned around, carrying the laptop over to the futon. “It’s not gay, as long as you are topping or if it’s Gackt.”
He uttered it with such confidence, that Yutaka snorted with laughter.
“Are you sure you’d sleep with him?”, he asked, but he was also relieved that Shou acted so casual about the matter. For some reason, Yutaka thought it was nice that he didn’t seem to worry if he sounded ambiguous about his sexuality.
“Absolutely”, Shou confirmed and put the disc into the drive of the laptop. They had pre-ordered the movie together at the rental store.
Yutaka smirked. They both knew that Shou meant it and that it was a lie nonetheless. He probably didn’t mind the thought, but in reality, he’d chicken out for sure. But it was not like Gackt would ever offer himself, so he’d never be proven wrong either. It was an unprovable truth only.
“I mean, Hyde is really good looking …”, Yutaka said, trying not to be a bore. He didn’t want Shou to think of him as prudish. “Hell, he’s definitely prettier than the girls at my school.”
Shou gave a quiet hum, but turned away to search for something.
Yutaka cursed himself for bringing up girls. He knew that it was a matter Shou didn’t enjoy talking about, because it made him insecure, although he got his fair share of confessions as well. He acted like he was ugly, when really, he was reasonably handsome and the bleached hair drew attention to him easily. Moreover, even if he was somewhat bowlegged, his thighs and butt looked great in tight jeans.
He had also forgotten how quiet Shou could get in private. There were people, who were shy in large groups, but livened up once you met them one-on-one. With Shou it was exactly the opposite. When they met with friends, he always had to be the centre of attention. He seemed to thrive on making everyone laugh and entertaining them. But when they were alone, his introverted side showed more clearly. Shou wasn’t going to reply to Yutaka’s comment on the girls, but he would probably overthink it all by himself. Yutaka wished he was more practiced at dealing with this private version of Shou. He wanted to change the topic somehow, but he didn’t know what to say.
Shou turned back and held up a pair of earphones.
“Here”, he announced and plugged them into the laptop. “We’ll need to share them.”
“Why don’t we listen to it out loud?”, Yutaka asked, although he kind of liked the thought of sharing headphones with Shou. There was something intimate about knowing it was only them hearing the same things at the same time when no one else could.
Shou pointed to the wall.
“The neighbours”, he explained. “The walls are so thin, otherwise they’ll hear every word. I don’t want to torture them with an entire movie.”
Yutaka rolled his eyes.
“Your place really is a dump”, he muttered.
“We could have watched it at your place, too”, Shou said dryly. “In case your parents wanted to join us.”
Yutaka felt very hot all over again.
“I’ll move out in a couple of months when I start college”, he defended himself. It was important to him that Shou didn’t think of him as a lame loser. He had only moved out himself recently, but Yutaka still thought he was cool – living all by himself, performing on various stages, being talented. He didn’t want Shou to view him as some kind of stupid high school kid.
Although it wasn’t like Yutaka had a plan for when he finished school. He had this vague idea of moving out and studying, but he hadn’t started looking for apartments, he hadn’t settled for a course of study yet and he couldn’t bring himself to study for his final exams either. He felt like the last year had just passed by without getting him emotionally involved in anything. He hated himself for that somehow, for just drifting through his own life without taking control of it. He hadn’t achieved anything in the last months, he hadn’t paid much attention in class. The only thing he remembered clearly were Shou’s public appearances, of which he hadn’t missed a single one and listening to him talk about music and the new haircut he had gotten about two months ago and that suited him immensely.
With everything going on in Yutaka’s life currently and all the changes he had to worry about, his mind seemed unable to focus on anything but his friend. It was like he was so busy with running his private fanclub, that he didn’t have time for anything else. If his parents knew, they’d ground him until he was 30. They were nagging him enough as it was. They also didn’t like Shou.
Shou grabbed the second pillow and made himself comfortable next to Yutaka.
He kept the laptop on his lap but turned it towards Yutaka, so both of them got a good look at the screen. They had to sit awfully close this way. Shou’s leg was touching Yutaka’s leg all the way down.
Shou grabbed the earphones and held the right one out to Yutaka.
“Thanks”, Yutaka said quietly and took it. Their fingertips brushed against each other, although Yutaka was trying to avoid the touch.
He put the earphone into his ear and stared onto the screen. Shou was sitting too close to look at him properly and he didn’t know what else to focus on.
“Ready?”, Shou asked, his fingertip lingering over the play button.
“Yeah”, Yutaka said. He sounded a little hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken in quite a while already.
Shou pressed play and settled down next to him. Both of them were wearing short-sleeved shirts and their bare lower arms were touching ever so lightly.
Yutaka concentrated on the screen, where the opening credits started playing. He felt excited and he tried to focus on the joy of getting to watch a movie starring Hyde now.
The video quality was surprisingly good.
“Why do you own such a high-end laptop anyway? Your apartment looks like you are dirt poor”, he asked, instinctively lowering his voice, although nothing exciting was happening yet.
“Porn”, Shou said.
Yutaka laughed.
“Pervert”, he said. He knew Shou’s former living conditions though and not having to share a room for the first time in his life must have opened up plenty of opportunities for him. If Yutaka was honest, he was probably going to masturbate all the time as soon as he moved out as well.
He focused back on the screen.
Hyde was looking great, although Yutaka preferred his formerly long hair over the short blonde hairstyle he cultivated currently. Still, his features were even in a way that still baffled him and his proportions seemed to match so well. Where Yutaka’s fingers just looked short, Hyde’s looked delicate.
Shou’s fingers were long, slender and strong.
“They are both so handsome”, Yutaka said, only because he still felt like he had to compensate for something. He felt like he had made a mistake earlier without quite being able to name it.
Shou didn’t reply, which Yutaka took as a sign that he didn’t want to talk during the movie.
He was probably right to pay attention, because the plot seemed somewhat confusing. It didn’t seem exactly good, either. Hyde and Gackt were looking cool on screen. They weren’t professional actors, though. Yutaka wondered, if thinking that made him a bad fan. It was fun to see their interaction, though.
Next to him Shou shifted his weight.
He adjusted the laptop on his knees, but didn’t move away from Yutaka. Their lower arms were still touching. A very warm feeling was creeping through Yutaka’s body from the point where their skin was touching. His chest felt warm with happiness.
What made the touch feel so good was that Shou wasn’t exactly the type for physical contact. Of course, he horsed around with the rest of them and even clapped people on the back and the shoulders a lot. But Yutaka had noticed, that the touch usually had to take place on Shou’s terms. He only touched his friends when he was able to pull back again. Leaning into someone was something Yutaka hadn’t even observed him doing with the girls he had been into. The fact that he was able to let his body rest against Yutaka so casually proved that Shou had to feel very much at ease around him. The thought made Yutaka feel giddy and proud and even made his stomach clench a bit, just because it meant he was special.
The sensation of Shou’s arm had distracted him from the dialogue on screen for a moment and he felt like they had already lost him. Somehow, the whole plot was confusing. The only thing he knew for certain was that Hyde and Gackt were acting weird around each other. There were too many gazes and too much touching. Not that male friends couldn’t touch each other without it being weird, but something was off in this case. If one of them had been a woman, Yutaka would have assumed they were in love. But the fact that they were both men made it more confusing. Technically, he knew that men could be in love with other men, but it just wasn’t part of his personal lifeworld, so he wasn’t sure if he was reading the signs correctly.
He wondered, if Shou was noting anything weird about the direction the movie was taking, too. If so, Yutaka should probably address it. It would be weird, if they just sat here together, alone at Shou’s apartment with no one else around, watching a gay movie. God knew how explicit the movie might get. He didn’t want to sit here in silence with Shou, watching two men kiss. If he pointed it out, though, they could laugh at it and it would no longer be an issue.
On the other hand, if Yutaka did point to it and he was just imaging the tension, it would make him look really weird. It would make him look like he wanted Hyde and Gackt to be gay, like he was fantasizing about them.
He tried to picture what it would be like, if they actually started to make out on screen. The thought made him grow hot all over. It wasn’t an appalling image. Did that mean there was something wrong with him? They had joked about it earlier. But that had been an unprovable truth. If Shou thought Yutaka was wishing for the movie to include some explicitly gay scenes, that would be a true truth. It was something entirely different.
Yutaka figured, that the safest thing was to pretend he didn’t notice anything. He didn’t even know why it bothered him so much. Just something about the idea, that those two men they admired so much could be openly gay for each other in a movie, made his heart beat very quickly. He felt like he was running. Why was he being so weird about this?
The scene changed. Yutaka wasn’t really able to follow the plot. He just knew that the next scene was somehow suggestive as well.
“God”, Shou groaned next to him. “Just kiss him already, dude.”
For a moment, Yutaka felt completely irritated, then he burst out laughing. It was a high, nervous laughter that resulted mostly from relief.
“Right?”, he agreed hastily. He was glad Shou had put it out there. He was glad it wasn’t just him. “The sexual tension in this is ridiculous.”
“Just do us all a favour and get it on already! It’s painful to watch!”, Shou accused the laptop passionately.
Yutaka continued chuckling. Once again, he had to admire Shou for how easily he addressed the subject. He didn’t seem uncomfortable at all to admit he would prefer getting a proper love scene, just like he hadn’t been shy to admit that his attraction towards Gackt at least didn’t outright exclude a sexual perspective. It was refreshing.
“Yeah, they should be doing it properly or not at all”, Yutaka agreed. “They’re both handsome after all. No one could blame them.”
“Exactly”, Shou said. “With their looks, it’s no wonder they want to fuck each other.”
Yutaka’s mouth felt dry. He licked his lips as if that would actually help.
He was irritated that Shou had put it that plainly. He agreed with him, obviously. He couldn’t blame any man for being attracted to Hyde. He hadn’t exactly pictured them having sex, though. At least when it came to the kind of stuff people did in porn, Shou was a lot more urbane than him. Once again, he felt like a silly child, although he knew that he was in fact more experienced than Shou. The few times he had had sex with his ex-girlfriend didn’t really make him feel like an expert, though. Since their breakup about a year ago, he hadn’t even dated anyone at all. He told himself that he just hadn’t met any girl that sparked his interest meanwhile and not that he had lost his mojo.
“Right”, he said.
For a while, they just watched in silence. Yutaka tried to picture Hyde and Gackt having sex. Somehow, he couldn’t.
“How …?” He broke off, because he had to gather all of his courage for the question. He didn’t want Shou to think of him as stupid and immature, but he was too curious to keep to himself. “How do you think they would do it? The fucking, I mean.”
He wasn’t just genuinely wondering about the technical aspect. What he was really curious about was rather if Shou had actually thought about it that much. He wanted to know if he had an answer to the question more than he wanted to hear the answer. He also wondered, what Shou’s real opinion was on the gay sex matter. The true truth, not one that was unprovable.
“I’m pretty sure Gackt would go on top”, Shou said matter-of-factly.
Yutaka burst out laughing, but rather with surprise, because Shou had obviously thought it through so much already, that he had missed the basicness of the question. Yutaka felt embarrassed to clarify, but somehow Shou’s self-assured answer also put him at ease.
“No, I mean. Doesn’t it hurt? I just can’t imagine it to be very pleasant to have something shoved up your ass like that.”
They were both still looking at the screen without bothering to pause the movie. At least right now, Yutaka was pretty glad he didn’t have to meet Shou’s eyes.
“Well, they always seem to enjoy anal in AVs”, Shou said. He paused. “I mean, the women. The women seem to enjoy it. I don’t watch gay porn.”
For the first time today, he sounded insecure, almost stuttering as if he finally worried about Yutaka getting the wrong idea. Eventually, he cleared his throat.
“Plus, gay men also have sex. I assume they wouldn’t, if it didn’t feel good.” He said that a lot more confidently, as if he was glad to have found a reasonable answer to Yutaka’s question that should have been obvious all along. Yutaka felt silly for not taking that into consideration right away. He just hadn’t thought about it before. Sex was something you did with girls. There was just no reason to think about sex with guys.
“And I guess if it’s just the kissing and stuff, it doesn’t really make a difference anyway”, Yutaka added. He wanted to prove that he could also be openminded.
Shou stayed silent instead of answering right away.
“You want to try?”, he finally asked.
“Kissing?”, Yutaka assured. His voice came out high and thin. He sounded ridiculous.
“Yeah”, Shou said, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.
“Sure”, Yutaka said. He tried to match Shou’s indifferent tone of voice, but he didn’t feel calm at all. He wasn’t even sure why he agreed to it, except he didn’t want Shou to think of him as a prudish bore. Sure, Yutaka could kiss guys. When it came to Shou, he always tried to act tougher than he really was.
Shou paused the movie. Somehow, that made it feel very official.
Slowly Yutaka turned his head. Shou was already facing him.
Yutaka realized that he didn’t mind the thought of kissing Shou at all. He was cool and handsome and looking at his plum lips made Yutaka’s stomach take somersaults.
“Have you ever kissed a guy before?”, Shou asked.
Although he was facing Yutaka, he kept his eyes cast down.
Briefly Yutaka considered lying to make himself look more experienced. He wondered, if Shou had ever kissed one of their common friends before.
“No”, he said softly.
“Me neither”, Shou admitted.
Yutaka felt all warm and somehow fluffy inside. Like someone was bloating pink cotton candy on his inside.
So, this was something only he was allowed to do. It would bring him closer to Shou than all of their other friends. For some reason, Yutaka wanted to be his number one.
“Cool”, Yutaka said, although it didn’t really make sense in this context.
He turned some more, but the position remained awkward. Shou shifted too, but he didn’t take the laptop down from his legs either. Yutaka had never understood how you were supposed to kiss properly when sitting next to each other. No matter how much he turned, his shoulder still seemed to get in the way. He also didn’t know where to put his arm. He considered putting his hand on Shou’s neck or his shoulder, but than a touch like that would have felt too invasive. He didn’t want to seem too into the kiss. They were just trying for fun after all, like boys did.
He leaned in further, hesitantly bringing his face closer to Shou. He kept his head tilted and closed his eyes. A nasty voice at the back of his head asked what would happen, if he missed Shou’s lips, because he wasn’t able to navigate properly in this position and how embarrassing that would be. He had never worried about this with girls before, although he had kissed them in similarly awkward positions.
His mouth was so close to Shou, that he could sense his breath. Yutaka could feel his own heartbeat in his temples.
He paused for a moment, but realized Shou wouldn’t close the distance between them. He had suggested it, but he didn’t have the courage to take the first step. He was probably overthinking right now.
Yutaka leaned in and kissed him on the lips gently. Shou’s lips were soft and dry, resting against his own briefly.
Then Yutaka pulled back, but only for a few centimetres. So, he had kissed Shou. And it had felt nice. Very nice indeed, but he wasn’t sure if they were done yet. They had agreed on kissing, but he didn’t know what that entailed. Their kiss just now had felt almost chaste. Maybe Shou had expected more, but Yutaka also didn’t want to force it on him. He had taken the first step, now he was waiting for Shou’s decision.
A few seconds passed and Yutaka thought that time had never felt this slow to him before.
Then Shou leaned in and kissed Yutaka back. His lips were still gentle but a little more urging than Yutaka had dared to be. Under the pressure, Yutaka hesitantly parted his lips just a bit to test out where they were going. He sensed Shou’s tongue sliding in between his lips and lifted his own to meet him. It wasn’t heated but entirely hesitant. The tips of their tongues brushed against each other somewhere between Yutaka’s parted lips.
A shudder went through Yutaka’s body violently the moment he sensed Shou’s wet tongue against his own. It felt surprisingly rough and so alive and so completely different from any other sensation than kissing that it was hard to compare it to anything in the first place.
The sheer intensity took Yutaka by surprise, though. He didn’t have any specific thoughts, but a hot sensation shot through his spine as if his body was reacting completely on its own. Blood rushed downwards and then Yutaka realized that he had a sudden, unwarranted boner just from feeling Shou’s tongue against his own.
Shou pulled back, for good this time. Their tongues hadn’t been entangled. They had merely brushed each other.
Yutaka shifted his weight, desperately hoping he would be able to hide his pants tenting this way.
He wondered, if Shou had also gotten aroused by their kiss. A part of him hoped so, because it would make him less weird and it would also be less embarrassing in case Shou happened to notice. But at the same time, he also hoped that it was just him, because if both of them were turned on by it, it would put a weird pressure on them to continue.
Maybe Yutaka really hadn’t kissed a girl in far too long already.
He looked at Shou, who was still avoiding to meet his eyes directly. Red dots were showing on his cheeks, the fair hair was falling onto his forehead and he was smiling shyly. Yutaka thought that Shou’s shy smile was nothing but gorgeous. It gave him a very strange dimple and his lips looked puffy and he wasn’t hiding his teeth nor displaying them; they were just part of his beautiful, embarrassed smile.
Maybe Yutaka just liked kissing him, though.
“Not so bad”, Shou observed. He kept his eyes cast down.
Yutaka kept staring at him.
“Stop looking at me like that”, Shou said.
“Like what?”, Yutaka asked.
“Like you’ve never seen me before”, Shou mumbled and turned his head away.
“It’s just …” Yutaka broke off. He didn’t know how to explain that he had indeed never seen Shou before, at least not as someone you could kiss. “You’re cute.”
“No need to sound so surprised”, Shou huffed. He turned away completely, facing the laptop again. The gesture clearly signalled that they were done here.
“Well, it really wasn’t bad”, Yutaka said and turned as well. He let his arms slide down to his lap to make sure he covered the bulge at his crotch. “That means it really doesn’t make a difference. Or you just kiss like a girl.”
He had meant to joke it off that way, but as soon as the words were out, they just sounded weird to him. Even Yutaka couldn’t tell how he had meant them.
Shou scoffed and adjusted the laptop on his knees before pressing play again. The movie continued as if nothing had happened.
Yutaka’s mind was spinning.
It felt like his whole world had just changed and Shou just brushed it off. You could kiss guys like you could kiss girls. And if Yutaka had wanted to kiss any of his male friends, it would have been Shou all along. Because he was so funny and talented and kind and sweet and smart and his lips were so soft. But if it felt this good and if both of them had liked it, why did they stop?
Yutaka stared at the screen and couldn’t help resenting the movie a little. He wanted to kiss Shou again.
The dialogue still felt like a lame excuse to film suggestive scenes between Hyde and Gackt only. If anything, it suddenly seemed worse.
Yutaka looked at Hyde with new eyes. He was really pretty. He thought of kissing him. This time, he imagined it easily. Kissing him must feel great. Yutaka pictured him with the long dark hair he had cut off by now. He imagined entangling his fingers in it to pull him close while they kissed. Hyde seemed so fragile, holding him in his arms wouldn’t feel that different from holding a girl. Shou was built differently. He was small, too, but stouter. Running his hands down Shou’s chest would certainly feel different, more solid.
Yutaka swallowed and tried to focus on Hyde again.
Hyde was objectively more handsome. It was normal to have somewhat of a guy crush on him. Shou might be the coolest person in his friend group, but obviously he couldn’t compare to a handsome rockstar like Hyde.
Shou moved and his lower arm came to rest against Yutaka’s again. His skin felt so warm. Yutaka’s body felt strange, almost feverish. The touch also felt nice, though.
Maybe if he just shifted his weight a little, their upper arms would touch, too. Yutaka shuffled a little closer to Shou, trying to make it seem like he was only adjusting his position.
Shou sat very still.
Their arms were touching from their shoulders down to their elbows now. That weird cotton candy feeling filled Yutaka’s stomach again.
He tilted his head ever so slightly to bring it closer to Shou.
He could smell his shampoo. It smelled strongly, pungent and of chemistry. It smelled like Shou had started buying the cheapest soap he could find since he had moved out. But underneath that, there was the faintest hint of something else, something like warm skin and a note that was just Shou.
Yutaka’s dick grew a little harder.
Now, this was ridiculous. Getting aroused by a kiss was one thing. But his dick really had no business reacting to Shou’s body odour like this.
“What are you doing?”
Yutaka startled. That was probably his own fault for sniffing his friend like this.
“You, uh, smell nice”, he said dumbfoundedly and backed off while being careful not to break their touch.
“Okay”, Shou said slowly.
It could have sounded sarcastic, but the fact that he kept looking at the laptop so deliberately made him seem tense instead.
Yutaka licked his lips and tried to focus on the movie again. Maybe Shou would want to discuss the story afterwards. It would be pretty embarrassing if it turned out he hadn’t followed the plot at all. From what he gathered, there was some kind of gang war going on, Hyde was a vampire and there was a lot of badly concealed sexual attraction going on. It was all very confusing. The current scene took place in someone’s bedroom. Gackt was upset for some reason Yutaka had missed entirely.
Shou moved his hand. The back of it fell against the back of Yutaka’s hand.
Yutaka’s pulse was rushing through his ears so loudly, it was drowning out Gackt’s voice.
During a regular movie date with a girl, this would have been a clear sign. And Shou wasn’t one, who just allowed body contact to happen. With him, it was usually choreographed.
His mouth felt incredible dry as Yutaka hesitantly started to move his fingers to rub them against the back of Shou’s hand.
He had to use his entire concentration on it. It was supposed to feel casual, so that he could play it off as an accidental touch, if Shou pulled back. Yet it was meant to be sensual enough to be understood as an invitation, if Shou wanted it to be.
Yutaka’s heart was beating violently as he kept hoping that Shou wouldn’t pull back.
Very hesitantly Shou’s fingers started to move against his own. It was an incredibly light, playful caress. Yutaka no longer paid attention to the movie at all. He didn’t pay attention to the room around them nor to the rest of his body. It was like his entire being was concentrated only in his hand and where Shou’s fingers stroked his own was the only point where he could feel at all.
He was breathing so heavily, that he was scared Shou could hear it. Hell, he was scared Shou’s neighbour could hear it.
He slipped his fingers in between Shou’s, which was weird, because their hands were still back-to-back. Shou allowed it to happen without looking away from the screen.
Yutaka knew that he could no longer take it. There was no way he would sit through another hour of this movie, when all he could think of was kissing Shou again.
He swallowed soundly. Shou could definitely hear that.
He realized that he had never had to make a move at someone before while being this insecure about their reaction. Yutaka had been with quite a number of girls already, at least when it came to kissing. But their meetings in private only ever took place after the confession.
Yutaka didn’t know, if Shou wanted to be kissed. He didn’t seem to mind awkwardly holding hands during a movie, but that didn’t mean he was up for making out with Yutaka. Maybe he would be taken aback. Maybe holding hands was only his truth as long as he didn’t have to prove it any further. It might all just be a joke to him, a hesitant kiss alright, but that would change, as soon as Yutaka came on too strongly.
Yutaka had no way of foretelling his reaction. But he also knew that he didn’t have the patience to just wait it out.
With an almost violent motion he leaned in and kissed Shou on the cheek, because it was the only part of his face which he could access easily without risking to throw over the laptop. He had gone in too violently and he almost clashed into Shou, but he made sure he couldn’t miss his intention.
“Yutaka, don’t”, Shou protested and flinched back immediately, pulling away his hand as well.
Yutaka went cold.
“Sorry”, he stuttered. So, he had misread the signals. And Shou would think he was weird. Shou would think Yutaka was a weird homo. He would tell all their friends, but even worse, he would feel uncomfortable in Yutaka’s presence from now on, and they would never meet in private again and Shou would keep his distance when they met in a group and Yutaka would lose him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it weird. I …”
Shou stopped the movie. It paused at an irritating still where Hyde seemed to cradle Gackt’s head.
“It’s not that”, Shou said and raised his hand. He seemed insecure whenever to wave it off or if he wanted to cup his cheek where Yutaka had kissed him. “I just can’t. I’m …” He broke off. “I’m so inexperienced.” He was nearly whispering. “I don’t want to embarrass myself.”
Yutaka furrowed his brow.
He didn’t know what Shou thought he wanted to do to him. He knew for certain that Shou had kissed girls before. He assumed that most of the touching so far had taken place fully dressed for him admittedly, but it wasn’t like Shou had never dated anyone before.
“You won’t”, Yutaka said soothingly, but he felt insecure, because he didn’t have anything else to say. He couldn’t give Shou any good reason why he wouldn’t. He didn’t even understand his worry in the first place.
But oddly enough, just that seemed to be enough for Shou.
He nodded and then took the laptop off his legs with slow, deliberate motions. He placed it on the floor awkwardly and it felt almost like a ceremony. For some reason Yutaka’s dick took that as a cue to bring itself back to attention. Probably because it knew what was supposed to happen next.
“Maybe you could …?”, Yutaka suggested and gestured towards the futon shyly. He didn’t want to make this feel even more formal than it already did, but sitting was just not a good position for kissing.
Shou chuckled and Yutaka noticed his cheeks colouring again. His blush always showed easily, probably because he was so pale.
“Yeah, I know”, he agreed and let himself sink onto his back, looking up at Yutaka expectedly.
Yutaka’s heart was racing again. Shou was spread out on the futon, all blushing and waiting for him. It looked like a kinky fantasy he had never dared to have. He couldn’t believe he was really allowed to kiss Shou. The Shou, whom he admired so much. Yutaka had felt nervous and eager to even be his friend and now he was allowed to get so much closer to him. Yutaka got excited at the prospect of being allowed to kiss him, but even more did he get excited by the knowledge, that Shou trusted him, that he wanted to kiss Yutaka, that Yutaka got the opportunity to prove he could make him feel good.
Awkwardly Yutaka bent over Shou. Lying on his back didn’t seem like the perfect position any longer. It was almost impossible to get on top of him without touching him everywhere. But Yutaka didn’t know what their agreement included. Was it just kissing? Was it touching, too? Soft caresses above waistline? Heatedly pressing their bodies together from head to toe?
He knelt down sideways, not daring to straddle Shou, and bent down. He had to place his hand next to Shou’s head to support his weight and not tumble down on top of him. He was careful not to touch his shoulder, though. He lingered over Shou, going out of his way to not let their bodies touch anywhere.
Carefully he lowered himself, stopping halfway through the motion.
Was he really just supposed to kiss Shou? He wished they would have talked about it either less or more beforehand. It would be better, if it had happened more naturally, with both of them getting carried away by the heat of the moment. Or alternatively, if they had agreed on what both of them expected from this more explicitly. But the way it was, Yutaka wasn’t sure how to get started at all.
He was about to sit up again to voice his doubts, when Shou reached up and grabbed his neck.
His fingers were strong and bony and felt very warm. He pulled Yutaka down with a firm grip and then his lips were on Shou’s again.
Shou pressed up into the kiss and this time, Yutaka parted his lips right away. Shou slipped his tongue into his mouth and Yutaka realized, that his former hesitation hadn’t been due to his insecurity about the kissing, but only because of his worry regarding Yutaka’s reaction.
He let himself sink into the kiss, suddenly caring a whole lot less if their bodies were touching or not.
Shou’s hand ran up his neck to the back of his head, entangling in his hair. It felt like he was trying to hold on to him for dear life and his grip was secure yet he refrained from pulling Yutaka’s hair. He managed to be oddly possessive and considerate at once, and his lips were demanding and soft.
Yutaka felt dizzy and he wasn’t sure if he was even breathing properly. He figured they were catching their breath in between, but their lips never parted for long enough for him to notice, or maybe he was only ever aware of his own lips as long as they were kissing Shou.
He put his hand on Shou’s shoulder, trailing down the side of his body. Although he wasn’t outright exercising, Shou stayed fit somehow and his body felt as solid and firm as Yutaka had imagined it would. He paused at his waist and even there he could sense the muscles shifting, because Shou kept squirming underneath him as if he didn’t know what to do with all his energy or how to get closer to Yutaka.
Yutaka came up, finally gasping for air.
“I like this”, he said.
“Huh?” Shou looked flushed and his eyes kept trailing off past Yutaka. He was still holding on to the back of his head.
“I like the way you kiss me. And how you cup my head”, Yutaka explained, his voice trailing off, because it suddenly dawned on him, that it was a stupid thing to say. Shou had seemed so insecure earlier that he had thought it would be nice to let him know just how amazing he made Yutaka feel, but it was weird and he should have kept shut.
“Thanks”, Shou whispered and finally looked at him.
Yutaka realized that it was the first time today Shou actually met his eyes and that probably meant he had done something right. His eyes were naturally dark, but right now they seemed practically black. They still managed to look warm somehow and Yutaka thought that he had never felt this seen before. His heart took a small leap.
Then Shou pulled him down again and they were back to kissing.
Without breaking the touch Yutaka let himself sink backwards, pulling Shou with him, who met his motions uncharacteristically fluently. They were both lying on their sides now, their bodies not quite touching except for their mouths and hands.
Shou let go of Yutaka’s hair, running his hand down his back, nearly wrapping his arm around his shoulders.
Yutaka trailed his hand across Shou’s hips. Even with the clothes covering his skin, the outline of his body alone felt new and exciting already.
This time it was Shou who pulled back. He was still so close it was hard to get a good look at his face, though.
Yutaka realized that his lips felt sore and swollen, but he didn’t mind at all. He just wanted to go back to kissing Shou.
“Can I …?”, Shou whispered. He said something else too, but his voice turned so quiet, that Yutaka could not understand him. He was creating so little noise that he was basically just mouthing the words with a soft exhale.
“What?”, Yutaka said. His voice sounded too loud in his own ears in comparison.
Shou chuckled, but it sounded a little helpless.
He pushed himself up, bringing his lips close to Yutaka’s ear. He had to bent over him for that.
“Can I touch your dick?”, Shou whispered very quietly, his warm breath tickling Yutaka’s ear.
Yutaka felt surprised that Shou would be so embarrassed about the question that he could only whisper it. He might be insecure, but it wasn’t the same as being shy, which he usually wasn’t.
Shou pulled back and nodded over to the wall next to them.
“The neighbours”, he whispered.
Yutaka understood and chuckled in return. Of course, the walls of Shou’s apartment were so thin, they had to keep quiet. Somehow, that made it even more exciting. Yutaka felt like giggling, but he wasn’t sure if it was because they had to keep what they were doing secret, or because he felt all bubbly inside and overflowing with happiness in general.
He nodded, although the proposal made him a little nervous. His cock was throbbing by now, but he did not longer feel embarrassed for being fully hard already. If Shou had just slipped his hand down his body, he wouldn’t have minded, but knowing he was going to do it in advance made him nervous, even if he didn’t think Shou would be shocked by the state he was in.
“I want to know what it feels like”, Shou whispered. He was far better at keeping his voice down than Yutaka was. His voice was barely audible, yet Yutaka understood every word. As close as he felt to Shou right now, he was almost inclined to believe in telepathy.
He sensed Shou’s hand travelling down his body, dancing down his chest so lightly, that he was hardly touching him at all.
Yutaka realized he was tensing up, nervous about what would happen next. He wasn’t sure where exactly they were going with this, but he also knew that as long as it was Shou, he wouldn’t be able to deny him anything.
Shou’s hand found his crotch and his touch turned from playful to firm fast. He didn’t need to fumble around as if he had known where he was going all along.
Yutaka gasped when he sensed Shou cupping his hard cock through his pants, realizing too late he was supposed to keep his voice down. Just saying that he felt the touch didn’t do it enough justice.
“It feels good”, he whispered breathlessly.
Shou laughed very quietly. His suppressed giggle was endearing.
“I knew it would feel good for you, idiot”, he scolded under his breath, slowly starting to rub Yutaka through his pants.
His moans came out in a small whimper, because he tried to keep his voice down so desperately.
“I was wondering if I would enjoy touching you like this”, Shou clarified.
It occurred to Yutaka that this was his cue to ask if he did, but he didn’t dare to get the words out. If Shou realized he was taken aback by his dick, that might mean he would stop kissing Yutaka too, and he was by no means prepared for that.
Obviously, he didn’t need to worry about that though, because Shou leaned in again and kissed him with full force, as if he wanted to swallow up the small signs escaping from Yutaka’s lips. But not only that; moreover, did Shou’s hand crawl upwards and Yutaka sensed him nestling with the button of his jeans. Shou seemingly wasn’t done with exploring new territory yet.
It made Yutaka realized, that he was, in fact, curious as well. The thought of Shou’s hard cock got him surprisingly excited. He didn’t dare to just reach down, though. Shou had asked for permission first after all. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it either.
He shifted his weight, trying to slip his leg in between Shou’s thighs.
Shou seemed to understand what he was getting at, because he lifted his leg, throwing it over Yutaka’s body. Almost instinctively, Yutaka rolled back, his arm still around Shou’s waist, pulling him along.
Suddenly, he was the one on his back, Shou somehow half on top of him. His left leg was draped across Yutaka, and against his thigh, he could sense Shou’s erection pressing into him though their clothes.
His body reacted to the sensation with new, surprising intensity. His brain didn’t even register it as something unexpectedly arousing, when his own dick was already twitching in his pants. He couldn’t recall if his first physical intimacy with a girl had been this intense as well. But then - even if it made him feel like a horrible jerk – he had never thought as highly of any of his ex-girlfriends as he thought of Shou.
He inhaled deeply, trying to savour Shou’s smell underneath that violent stench of cheap soap.
Their kiss had been broken for a second, but Shou found his lips again quickly. His weight was on Yutaka’s chest, which was uncomfortable but he didn’t care enough to adjust their position. He was too greedy to keep kissing Shou and run his hand down his body, so he didn’t want to break their touch for even a second.
His left arm was buried underneath Shou, so he couldn’t use it and it was moreover starting to fall asleep. The right hand, that had rested on Shou’s waist before, was roaming his thigh now. Yutaka had allowed himself to trail the curve of Shou’s fine ass down to where his leg was resting on Yutaka’s lap. He stroked up and down his thigh, which had always been one of his favourite body parts about Shou. It felt so surreal, that he was just allowed to touch it so freely in a tender, sexual way, he had to reassure that it was actually there under his palm and wouldn’t suddenly disappear. The fabric of his jeans felt rough and was warming up under his hand. Yutaka had no idea, if it was Shou’s increasing body heat seeping through the cloth, or if he was awkwardly rubbing it warm.
Shou moaned into his mouth, grinding himself against Yutaka’s thigh. Even just his voice caught between their lips was an arousing sensation somehow.
Shou was finally done with unbuttoning Yutaka’s pants and he shuddered, as he sensed his warm fingers brush against a line of bare skin on his abdomen.
He gave a small protesting sound, that was meant to indicate that maybe they should slow down, but also that he wanted Shou to slow down by no means. Shou shushed him with another kiss.
Yutaka thought that it was weird they were just rushing into this. He would have liked for them to take off their shirts at least first. He would have liked to run his hands all over Shou’s bare chest, to play with his nipples, that seemed to be just a little too close together. He would have liked to kiss down his neck, that was weirdly wide to carry his enormous head, and to softly bite into his funnily folded ears. He knew all those parts of Shou’s anatomy from watching them just a little too closely as he realized only now. But all that he had kissed so far were Shou’s lips and the only bit of skin he had touched was on Shou’s lower arms. It would be better if they slowed down and explored each other’s bodies properly.
Yet all the same, his cock was begging to be touched and he really had no intention to talk Shou out of doing so.
He sensed him fumbling with the waistband of his boxers kind of clumsily and unable to get a good angle to slip his hand underneath. His movements seemed to turn more frantic, possibly with impatience.
Yutaka chuckled into their kiss. His lips curled up and it made kissing feel weird and giddy, but he noted surprised, that it was possible to keep kissing even when you were laughing.
Shou joined in with his laughter, making their teeth click together and the whole kiss turned sloppy and awkward and it wasn’t so much a kiss anymore as just their mouths staying linked together and Yutaka thought that it would be nice to stay like this always, breathing, laughing, talking through the kiss, just so they would never have to part.
Along with his laughter, Shou’s movements slowed down as well and his fingers finally managed to slip in under the waistband.
Yutaka’s chest heaved violently as Shou’s fingers touched his dick. He moaned into Shou’s lips and for a moment, Shou broke the kiss as if he couldn’t resist the urge to hear Yutaka’s voice.
Since he had reached into his pants from above and Yutaka was still fully dressed, it was hard for him to get a proper grip on his erection. He managed to nestle his fingers around the base though and caress him with small strokes, for which he was forced to jerk his arm rather than just flick his wrist in this position. It was clear that he was still searching for a good angle, just testing the feeling of Yutaka’s cock under his hand for now rather than intending to get him off yet.
Yutaka felt guilty for not being able to keep his voice down, but Shou’s touch felt so good, it made him lose control of his vocal cords. His whole body felt strange and feverish like it was possessed by a force that didn’t belong to himself.
Shou kissed his cheek sloppily, but Yutaka wasn’t sure, if he was meaning to caress his face or had just missed his lips, either way he didn’t seem to care. He turned his head further and then Shou’s cheek was against his own and Yutaka could hear his breath in his ear loud and clear. Shou was panting as aroused as if it was him getting touched and Yutaka thought it was the sexiest thing he had ever heard and then he was already flooded with bliss.
He spilled himself right into his pants, before Shou had even figured out how to take him into his hand properly.
For a moment, he felt amazing and white stars seemed to sparkle behind his eyelids. Then he realized what had happened and his eyes felt burning hot. He was scared he was going to cry with embarrassment.
“Oh god, I’m so sorry”, he whispered. “I wasn’t meaning to … ah, shit.”
“Hey”, Shou said gently and pulled his hand back from Yutaka’s pants, sitting up. Instead of sliding off him, he climbed on his lap properly and leaned over to reach for something behind Yutaka.
He pulled up a box of tissues that he kept suspiciously close to where he was usually sleeping.
He grabbed a tissue and started to wipe off his hand as if it was the most natural matter in the world. He didn’t seem exactly bothered by what had just happened.
Yutaka was sure that his face was bright red.
“Sorry”, he repeated sheepishly, although he wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for. That he had dirtied Shou? That he hadn’t given him a warning? That he had ended it, before they had even gotten started properly?
He decided that it was probably the latter. He was scared that this was it now. Maybe Shou had sated his curiosity and Yutaka had wasted his only chance of ever exploring his body properly by getting too excited.
“No worries”, Shou said and bent down, placing a light kiss on Yutaka’s lips. It was tender this time, and reminded Yutaka of just how sore and swollen his lips felt from all the kissing.
The short peck filled him with relief, though. It meant they weren’t done with kissing entirely yet.
Awkwardly, Shou climbed off Yutaka’s lap, scrambling to his knees besides him. He gestured towards Yutaka’s lower body region.
“You might want to clean yourself up in the bathroom, though, before it stains.”
Irritated Yutaka nodded and sat up a bit too hastily. He still felt silly, cumming too quickly and now needing a reminder like this. Shou really had to think of him as young and inexperienced, although it was Yutaka, who had actually had sex before. He was dizzy anyway. Shou made him feel like a complete beginner, nervous and clumsy and overly excited.
“Yes, sure, you’re right”, he stuttered and got up, entering Shou’s bathroom. It was one of those tiny ones, where you had to fold in the sink to even use the toilet at all.
Yutaka shut the door behind himself, although it felt pointless. In the small apartment, Shou would be able to hear the water running and everything anyway. He just craved a moment of privacy to collect himself.
He checked on his reflection in the mirror briefly. His hair was tousled. He’d been growing it for quite a while now, claiming he wanted to look more like a bandman, although they weren’t even playing in a band currently and he had pretty much given up on practicing the guitar altogether. It was just, that Shou always wore his hair long and liked the kind of artists who did and somehow, Yutaka had wanted to live up to his ideas of a cool guy.
His lips looked swollen. Licking them slowly, they felt puffy and vulnerable under his tongue. He had hoped they would taste like Shou, but honestly, they tasted like nothing at all.
Yutaka averted his eyes. He was too annoyed with himself to keep looking at his reflection.
Instead, he pulled down his pants and started wiping himself clean with some toilet paper. He wished he had taken the softer tissues with him, because of course, Shou only owned the cheapest kind of toilet paper.
He looked down on the remaining stains on the fabric of his boxers. Luckily, a lot of his load had went onto Shou’s hand, but that was only a small comfort.
He decided that it was to no avail and stripped down completely from the waist down. He felt ridiculous standing in Shou’s tiny bathroom like this.
He started cleaning his boxers in the sink, careful not to wet more of the fabric than was necessary, because he would have to put them back on. He considered just going without underwear, but that would feel weird as well. He could ask Shou to lend him something, but his pride wouldn’t allow that.
“Fuck”, he whispered, quite sure that Shou wouldn’t be able to hear his voice over the running water. “Fuck!”
He should have been cooler. He should have seduced Shou. He should have stayed on top and kissed him from head to toe. He should have made sure Shou felt so good, he moaned Yutaka’s name without caring if the neighbours heard. He should have been the one to touch Shou first. He should just have done better.
Instead, he had gotten as excited as a thirteen-year-old feeling up his first girlfriend. He couldn’t imagine how lowly Shou must think of him now.
He turned off the water and stood there waiting, as if the fabric would just dry within a minute.
He knew that he made it worse the longer he waited. He desperately hoped Shou would wait for him. That he was sprawled out on the futon, his lips still kiss-swollen, possibly naked and ready for Yutaka to return, so he could make up for what he had gotten wrong before. This time, he would kiss him all over and make him moan and Shou would forget how embarrassedly unskilled Yutaka had acted before.
But more likely, Shou would have changed his mind in the meantime and ask him to leave as soon as he left the bathroom. The chances for that rose the longer he hid in here, giving Shou the opportunity to come to his senses.
It still felt like a mistake that he had kissed Yutaka in the first place. Shou must have fallen for his tough act and thought that Yutaka was someone he was not. He couldn’t imagine someone as interesting and charming as Shou would even think of kissing him otherwise, even if it was just for fun. And now Yutaka had been exposed. Shou would not want to kiss him ever again.
He wondered why it even mattered so much, since he had never thought of kissing Shou before today either. But he had always wanted to be liked by him and he felt like a huge disappointment now.
Since he couldn’t hide forever, he started getting dressed again, though. The underwear stuck to his skin somewhat damp, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had expected.
Once more he checked himself in the mirror, straightening out his hair to make sure he looked decent.
Then he opened the door and stepped back into the room. He didn’t know what to expect and braced himself for the worst.
Shou had been lying on the futon, but shot into a sitting position once Yutaka entered. He was nestling with his pants. It took Yutaka a moment to realize he was buttoning up.
His eyes fell on the second tissue crumpled on the floor.
“Did you …?”, he started, the sheer disbelief making him sound ruder than he had intended. “Did you just finish by yourself?”
Shou peeked up at him through his bangs.
“Yeah”, he owned up. “I wasn’t sure if you would still … Is that weird? Was that a weird thing to do?”
He was speaking so quietly and sounded so insecure that it threw Yutaka off for a second.
“Kind of, yes”, he said. “I didn’t think you would just continue without me.”
He tried to speak less harsh this time, but he still felt irritated. It would have been normal for Shou to wait for Yutaka one way or another. If he hadn’t enjoyed their making out, he could have sent him away. But the fact, that he had just jerked off indicated that he had indeed enjoyed himself. So, why hadn’t he just waited for Yutaka to return?
“I’m sorry”, Shou stuttered. “I’m really bad it this. I just didn’t know if you would still be in the mood after finishing yourself. Or if you would even want to touch me in the first place. And if you wanted to, I was sure to get so excited, I wouldn’t … I thought I’d embarrass myself either way, so it would be better to just get it out of the way, before you returned. I didn’t mean to be weird. I’m sorry.”
Shou was talking so fast, his words tumbled into each other until they were barely understandable.
It was strange to see him like this, after he had seemed so secure all day. He had suggested their kissing casually, he had touched Yutaka like he knew what he wanted. He had been the active one and Yutaka had just thought him to be surer than he seemingly was.
He crouched down next to Shou, putting his hand on his shoulder hesitantly.
“It’s okay”, he said soothingly. “You saw how excited I got when you touched me, so let’s just ignore what actually happened and pretend we both acted like professional AV actors instead.”
He expected Shou to laugh at the comment, but instead he sniffled quietly.
“So, you’re not mad at me?”, he made sure.
Yutaka sensed a tightening in his chest. He couldn’t believe Shou would actually be scared of that.
“Of course I’m not mad”, he said softly. “It’s only your loss. If you had waited up for me, I would have taken you in my mouth.”
This time, Shou chuckled.
“Dang it”, he whispered.
They both knew that it was an unprovable truth only, something that was easily said after it was already too late. Yutaka doubted he would have found the courage to go down on Shou when even their kisses still felt so new. He did realize that he was not taken aback by the thought of sucking Shou’s cock, though. In fact, it was rather thrilling.
“Can I …?”, Yutaka asked insecurely and extended his arms.
Shou hesitated, but then he nodded.
Yutaka sat down on the futon and pulled Shou in for a hug. Just like before, the position felt somewhat awkward and like they didn’t really know where to place their limbs. But sensing Shou’s warm body against himself was enough to make Yutaka comfortable.
His eyes fell on the laptop that was still standing where Shou had placed it earlier. The screen showed the still of Hyde holding on to Gackt’s head, at which they had paused the movie.
Yutaka thought how unambiguous that pose would feel, if one of them was a woman. They would easily be identified as lovers by the audience. But since they were both men, it left you with a hint of doubt and some strange unaddressed sexual tension.
And Yutaka wondered, how he would feel, if Shou was a woman. How he would explain the warm feeling he got just from holding him in his arms. All the complicated emotions exploding in his body when Shou had wanted to kiss him. How giddy and nervous and happy he felt in his presence. How he always wanted to be around him and wanted to impress him, and how he thought he was the coolest, funniest, smartest, handsomest and most interesting person he had ever met.
If Shou had been a woman, Yutaka wouldn’t have doubted for a second, that he was in love with him, deeper and more irrevocable than he had ever been in love with anyone else before. But it hadn’t occurred to him before, although it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world.
“Shou?”, he asked quietly. “I think I like you. Like, for real.” He sounded as surprised as he felt about that revelation.
Shou laughed, his body trembling against Yutaka. His head was resting on Yutaka’s shoulder.
“Yeah, I also think you like me”, he agreed.
“Oi!”, Yutaka protested and pinched his arm. He wasn’t sure what answer he had expected. He hadn’t said it out loud so Shou would say it back. He didn’t know if Shou liked him in the same way, or if he had indeed just been curious and horny today. But his answer seemed rude regardless.
“No, I mean, you agreed to kissing me right away”, Shou explained. “Although you’re so clearly out of my league. That means you have to like me.”
“I’m not out of your league!”, Yutaka said immediately. It was weird, that Shou would think that, when it was so very clearly the other way around.
Shou laughed again.
“See, only someone who really likes me would think that.”
“Stupid”, Yutaka scolded and ran his hand through Shou’s hair to ruffle it as punishment.
“Seriously, though. I kind of thought you might, because you’re just always … there.”
Yutaka wasn’t sure what Shou was referring to. That he never missed one of his shows? That he always agreed to hang out with friends, if only he knew Shou would be there? That he had agreed to be in his band right away, even if he didn’t have a musical bone in his body? And that he had not complained when Shou broke up the band to become a comedian instead, but supported him, because he just genuinely wanted Shou to succeed at whatever he chose to attempt?
“Otherwise, I would never have dared to suggest it”, Shou added.
“It seemed quite spontaneous when you suggested the kissing”, Yutaka pointed out.
Shou snorted.
“It wasn’t.”
Yutaka didn’t quite know what to do with that information.
“So, you like me, too?”, he asked.
Shou shrugged and freed himself from Yutaka’s embrace. It seemed as if he wanted to get a better look at him, but he kept staring down into his lap nonetheless.
“I honestly don’t know”, he confessed quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m just bad at this. I only know that I go crazy around you. It’s like I can’t think of anything but touching you when we’re in the same room. I don’t feel that way about anyone else. So, maybe I like you. But maybe we just have the same pheromone wavelength or something and it’s chemistry driving me this crazy. How am I supposed to know, if I like you or if I’m just attracted to you?”
Yutaka smirked and shook his head. He was always baffled at what was going on inside this big head. He knew Shou could be moody and difficult and caught up in his own thoughts, but his mind always remained fascinating. Yutaka didn’t mind, that sometimes, he got tangled up in it.
“That’s fine, too”, he said. “You don’t have to be sure right away. We can just focus on the physical part and see where it goes, if that is what you want.”
Yutaka thought that he would be fine with that. Knowing that Shou liked him at all was great already. Seeing him this insecure put him at ease. At least, he could stop trying to look cool in front of him so hard. Shou obviously didn’t have it together either.
Deliberately Shou shook his head.
“I don’t just want us to make out whenever we meet alone. I mean, I do want that. But I also don’t want you do to it with anyone else. And I want you to keep supporting me and always be at my shows, but not so I can impress you, but so I know there is one person in the crowd who I feel safe with. And when we meet with friends, I want you to always chose to sit next to me. Not so we can steal hidden touches, but because it’s the natural thing to do. I want us to text each other before going to sleep without thinking about it. I don’t know.”
“That sounds a whole lot as if you like me”, Yutaka teased lightly. He couldn’t deny that he felt all warm and cotton candy like inside again.
“I’m just really worried that I’ll ruin it”, Shou owned up. “That I’ll embarrass myself, because I’m just not good at this dating stuff. I’ve never really known how to do it, how to make someone feel appreciated. I can never figure out how to deal with other people. Like just now when I touched myself instead of waiting for you. That was weird. You think I’m cool and talented and all that, that’s why you want to be with me. But once we get closer, you’ll realize that I’m not and that liking me was just a mistake. It scares me.”
“You know what?”, Yutaka asked and reached out to nudge Shou’s chin lightly. He was even more impressed Shou had found the courage to come on to him at all, and moreover this nonchalantly, when he was worrying about all that stuff.
“I don’t think either of us is especially cool. Maybe we should stop trying to pretend.” Yutaka paused. “So, do you want to be my boyfriend, weirdo?”
It felt weird to ask, like they were back in middle school, but then Yutaka hadn’t even considered Shou could be his boyfriend before, so it felt appropriate to put the word out there, just to make sure.
Shou sniffled again and then nodded eagerly.
“You have to promise to meet my eyes at least sometimes, though”, Yutaka joked, because Shou kept staring down into his lap. He really wasn’t good at making eye contact.
“Okay”, Shou mumbled and Yutaka leaned in to place a quick kiss on his lips.
Doing that so casually still felt unfamiliar, but also pretty amazing. He still couldn’t quite believe this extra-ordinary, complicated, gorgeous little creature really wanted to be with him.
He pulled back and Shou smiled that cute, shy smile of his again, with the dimple and the teeth and the slight blush on his cheeks. He met Yutaka’s eyes hesitantly, but looked away again quickly. He seemed happy, though.
“You want to finish that movie?”, Yutaka changed the topic and nodded towards the laptop.
He felt like it might be good for them to get a break from all the emotions between them to sort out their minds for a while.
“Yeah”, Shou agreed, who seemed to feel the same.
He crawled over to grab the laptop and nearly fell over while trying to reach past Yutaka’s legs. It was awkward and pretty adorable.
Yutaka propped up the pillows again and made himself comfortable, creating space for Shou to snuggle up to him.
This time, it was him who took the laptop on his knees and Shou curled up against him and it did no longer feel tense at all.
“Not to sound like the porn addict I am”, Shou mumbled. “But I really hope they’ll bone.”
Yutaka laughed and kissed the top of Shou’s head, before starting the movie again.
He looked at Hyde and Gackt continuing their little charade and he thought, that they seemed very cool and somehow polished. He could imagine them making out on camera and it would look hot and natural. They would undress each other without getting entangled in their clothes and their hair would look tousled but still perfect somehow afterwards. Their position would never be so awkward that someone’s arm fell asleep and no one would cum in their pants. They wouldn’t embarrass themselves and they wouldn’t be weird.
He didn’t envy them.
Absent-mindedly he ran his hand through Shou’s hair. He wondered, what it would be like to be his boyfriend. If it would be more complicated than dating a girl. If they would really manage to just switch from being friends to being lovers this smoothly. If they would have to keep it secret from their friends or if they would be open about it.
They obviously both wanted to be with each other, but alone at Shou’s apartment when they still felt happy and excited, it might just be the easy thing to want. Maybe it was only true for them right now and right here, but wouldn’t hold up in the outside world, when their relationship actually needed to prove itself.
Yutaka inhaled the chemical smell of Shou’s shampoo.
Or maybe, some truths were just so simple that they didn’t need proving at all.
Note: Today is Kyan Yutaka’s birthday! As you might know, he released a photobook for the occasion and since he also mentioned being interested in photography, I went with that theme ^-^ Enjoy!
All that Yutaka did for a very long time after opening the door was stare at him.
Shou regretted coming over in the first place. He had no reason to believe that Yutaka even wanted him here. He hadn’t been invited or anything.
He clenched the strap of the gift bag harder. He was holding on to it with both hands. What a stupid idea. He should have stayed home.
“Happy birthday”, he said weakly, realizing that Yutaka wasn’t going to say anything anytime soon.
“Is this a joke?”, Yutaka asked.
Shou blinked slowly.
“Dude, I know your memory is shit, but please tell me you didn’t forget about your own birthday.”
Yutaka laughed. He had a deep, calm laugh, that wasn’t loud and breathless like Shou’s. Of all the people he knew, Yutaka had the most relaxed laughter.
His face, that had been nearly expressionless before, finally lit up. He looked handsome when he laughed and a little bit surprised. Sometimes, Yutaka looked like he wasn’t even sure why he was laughing.
“No, of course, I remember my birthday”, he said. “I just wasn’t expecting you to show up here out of nowhere. We saw each other only yesterday.”
Shou shrugged defensively. He wasn’t sure why he had come here either, except that he had wanted to do something nice for Yutaka.
“Well, yeah”, he admitted. “With the show yesterday and your birthday stream tomorrow, I know you need the day to rest. But I thought spending your actual birthday all alone might be a bit depressing. There isn’t really a chance to meet with friends freely still and since we are currently touring together anyway and … I just thought you might like some company.”
Yutaka was smirking softly now and he nodded towards the gift bag in Shou’s hands.
“Did you bring cake?”
For a moment, Shou felt completely confused. Should he have brought cake? He hadn’t wanted to turn this into a big, sappy deal. At least that’s what he told himself. Truthfully, he hadn’t even considered to bring cake. He really wasn’t good at making other people feel cared for.
“Uhm, no, sorry”, he said.
Yutaka sighed theatrically.
“You really are useless”, Yutaka muttered and briefly Shou thought that he would just send him away. Like he had pointed out – Yutaka needed the rest today after all.
But instead, Yutaka stepped aside and opened the front door further.
“Now, come in already.”
Hesitantly Shou stepped into Yutaka’s apartment and took off his shoes. He knew his way around the place, but didn’t feel exactly familiar with it. They hardly ever visited each other at home.
“Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to bother you”, Shou said quietly.
Yutaka waved it off with an almost violent gesture.
“Never mind. I was indeed feeling lonely, since I can’t really meet with anyone. Even your company is better than spending my birthday all alone.”
“Very charming”, Shou mumbled as he followed Yutaka into the apartment.
“No, seriously”, Yutaka said and turned around rather suddenly. “I’m happy you came. I would have invited you, but I thought you’d be busy.”
Shou pulled up his shoulders. He didn’t know how to reply, because it felt like Yutaka was just being polite. If he had invited anyone over, Shou surely wouldn’t have been his first choice. Even among the other members, he was more likely to hang out with Kenji in private.
“Sit down”, Yutaka offered. “Can I get you anything?” He paused. “There is no birthday cake, though.”
Shou grimaced sarcastically and let himself fall onto Yutaka’s couch.
“I’m good, thanks”, he said. “And I’m sure you’ll get plenty of cake tomorrow.”
He was holding on to the gift bag on his lap constrainedly and felt pretty silly about it. He wasn’t sure he was really supposed to give Yutaka his gift. Sure, all the articles said that handing out gifts to other people was going to make you happier overall, but none of the articles had mentioned the dread Shou experienced, whenever he gave someone a present. Not being able to foresee their reaction made him uncomfortable. Gifting was pretty stressful.
“Tomorrow is tomorrow”, Yutaka scoffed and sat down next to him. “Today is my birthday.”
Shou rolled his eyes visibly.
“So greedy”, he scolded.
Yutaka nodded towards the gift bag Shou was clutching.
“Is that a birthday present for me then? Hand it over already.”
Demandingly he extended his hand.
Shou clenched the straps of the bag even tighter. Maybe Yutaka wouldn’t like the present. Or maybe it was too much and he wouldn’t know how to react. Maybe he would get the wrong idea as to why Shou had got it for him. It was better to just take it home with him again. Maybe he could get a refund.
“See, that’s what I mean”, he complained and looked at Yutaka’s extended hand accusingly. “You’re greedy.”
As nonchalantly as possible he held out the gift bag to Yutaka, pretending that he didn’t care much for his reaction anyway. He didn’t quite understand, why he always had to act that distant, pushing away the people he cared for. But then, Yutaka didn’t exactly make it easy on him. He was rude. If he made of fun of Shou for the present, it would be so much harder to endure, if he had allowed himself to be vulnerable first.
Rather hesitantly Yutaka took the bag and eyed it curiously from the outside.
“This is not one of your usual presents, is it?”, he assured. “Like drain cleaner or sockets.”
“Those were very useful presents”, Shou pointed out and crossed the arms in front of his chest. He pretended to be sulky so Yutaka wouldn’t notice that he was in fact quite nervous.
“And so cheap moreover”, Yutaka teased and finally took the box out of the bag. Shou had even went through the trouble of wrapping it. He had needed to buy wrapping paper for the first time in his life. But he had wanted to get this right, when he had already bought an expensive present like this.
“Honestly, the wrapping makes it even scarier”, Yutaka observed. For some reason, he also seemed nervous as if he desperately wanted to make sure, Shou knew he wasn’t getting his hopes up.
“Just unpack it already, for fuck’s sake”, Shou complained, but couldn’t keep his voice from betraying how tense he felt.
Without further ado Yutaka ripped open the wrapping paper and stared at the product underneath in silence. Shou had left it in the box, since it came with a manual and all sorts of equipment and he hadn’t wanted to wrap everything up separately. Moreover, it would have been pretty weird to wrap a manual like it was an actual present.
“Seriously?”, Yutaka asked. He kept his voice low.
“What?”, Shou asked aggressively. “If you don’t like it, I’ll return it.”
“No, no.” Yutaka shook his head hectically. He started opening the carton box as well. “I just won’t believe it, until I see it with my own eyes. This present is so not like you. You’re usually such a cheapskate!”
He laughed at that himself and flipped open the lid of the box.
“I bought it used”, Shou defended himself. “It’s not a new model. I wouldn’t spend that much money on you.”
He watched Yutaka’s face closely. He wasn’t paying attention to Shou at all.
Carefully he lifted the black camera out of the box. His features softened noticeable. Although he usually seemed relaxed, Shou thought that he rarely saw Yutaka looking this much at peace.
“Still”, he said without turning his eyes away from his present. “This is a really good camera. It must have cost a lot, even if you bought it used.”
“Don’t mention it”, Shou mumbled embarrassedly.
Finally, Yutaka looked up and met his eyes. He was grinning again.
“I bet you died a little inside, when you bought this”, he stated mischievously. “Did it hurt to spend all that money?”
Shou reached out and slapped Yutaka across the back of his head.
“Stop rubbing it in, jerk”, he huffed.
Yutaka chuckled to himself. Suddenly he turned serious.
“This isn’t supposed to make up for something, though, is it? Did you do something horrible that I don’t know of yet? Are you going to kick me out of the band? Did you sleep with my wife?”
Shou rolled his eyes again.
“You are not even married, Yutaka”, he pointed out.
“No”, Yutaka agreed and gave Shou a long look, that made his face feel very hot for no specific reason at all. “I’m very much not.”
“Anyway”, Shou changed the topic. His mouth felt a little dry. “It’s just that I read that getting people presents makes you happier as well. And I want to find ways to be happier, too. So, I’m trying this now.”
Yutaka ran his fingers over the camera gently.
“I think you never got me a proper present before”, he observed. “And we know each other since forever.”
“Well, honestly, you didn’t deserve it this year either”, Shou said. “And it was so expensive, that you won’t be getting anything for the next years.”
“I just didn’t think …” Yutaka broke off. “You know I’m interested in photography. I just didn’t expect you to support me.”
Shou didn’t know how to reply right away. Yutaka had spoken softly. Shou felt sorry to think that Yutaka would ever not feel supported by him in anything he tried. After all, Shou always went to see all of his plays, too, although in his opinion Yutaka looked a little misplaced on stage. For some reason, Yutaka seemed to get paired up only with ridiculously tall actors.
“I’ve always supported your artistic efforts, you know that”, Shou scolded him softly.
“Like when?”, Yutaka asked doubtfully.
“Like when I let you be in my band, although you sucked at guitar”, Shou countered.
Yutaka laughed again. He lifted the camera to his eyes now, focusing on the coffee table and started playing around with the settings. Shou would have recommended him to read the manual first, but then he knew that the advice would be wasted on Yutaka. He wasn’t the type for reading a manual first.
“It’s still our band”, Yutaka corrected him lightly and started taking pictures of the table, shifting his position on the couch to try out different angles. Shou had to pull up his legs to make way for him.
“And you still suck at guitar”, Shou replied.
Yutaka grinned, but didn’t come up with a snarky remark. Instead, he went to adjusting the settings of his new camera again.
Shou couldn’t help smiling while he watched him. Maybe making gifts did cause happiness. Yutaka seemed so happy and excited trying out the camera, that Shou felt all warm inside. Surely that was because of the knowledge, that he had caused someone else happiness, and not because of how pretty Yutaka looked, when he was happy and lost in thoughts.
Now Yutaka lowered the camera and ran his fingertips across it again gently. It looked like he was caressing it.
“You want to be alone for a bit?”, Shou joked, but he tensed up the moment the words were out. He had come here to give Yutaka his present. He had done that now. It was possible, that Yutaka would expect him to leave. He didn’t really have any reason for staying. He didn’t want to be a nuisance nor appear clingy in any way. But he also didn’t want to leave so soon.
“No way, you can’t leave”, Yutaka exclaimed and turned towards him. He lifted the camera to his eyes again. “I need a human model.”
“Don’t do that”, Shou protested and held up his palm to cover the camera lens while turning his face away. “I don’t want my pictures taken.”
“Oh, come on”, Yutaka begged. “You’re the only one around. And I really want to practice on a person. You can’t just give me half a present. You need to let me try it out properly, too!”
Shou winced and lifted his hand to his face to cover it. Yutaka knew perfectly well, why he didn’t want his pictures to be taken right now, but he felt embarrassed to say it out loud.
“Please, I’m not wearing any makeup. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“It’s just for practice”, Yutaka insisted. “They’ll never be published anywhere.”
“I’m ugly”, Shou blurted out, annoyed at himself for sounding so angry. He hadn’t meant to turn it into a big deal.
“Just a few pictures”, Yutaka said. His voice was gentler than before, but of course it had been stupid of Shou to hope for some kind of reassurance. “I just want to practice on the living object. And even without makeup you still look …” He broke off.
“… human?”, Shou finished for him dryly.
Yutaka looked down, fiddling with the camera, but Shou noticed that he didn’t actually change any settings.
“I was meaning to say ‘cute’, but whatever”, he muttered.
Shou felt his cheeks heating up, although it was silly of course. Yutaka was probably just making fun of him.
“Because actually”, Yutaka added and looked up again challengingly. “I’m not so sure about the human part. Without makeup you look more like a fish.”
Shou made a face at him. He felt a little hurt by the comment, but oddly relieved at the same time. He didn’t like being called ugly, but at least that was a version of Yutaka he knew how to deal with. He had no idea how to react to compliments, if he didn’t know how they were meant in the first place.
“Alright then”, he agreed. “Take some snap shots, so I can make fun of your lack of skill.”
He turned to face Yutaka and looked at him provokingly. When Yutaka lifted the camera, he felt nervous anyway. To take good pictures, Yutaka had to look at him closely. Shou wished he could hide his face somewhere or maybe get a new one. He was pretty sure, that he was blushing slightly, but he only put on a grimmer expression to compensate for that. He didn’t want to seem vulnerable.
Yutaka took a picture and then checked on the small display. He flicked his tongue in disapproval, then he looked around the room.
“The light in here is shitty around this time of day. It’s better in the bedroom now. Can we try there?”
Shou noticed that he sounded somewhat insecure when he asked the question. Usually, it would have been more like Yutaka to just announce the decision already. But a part of him seemed hesitant about inviting Shou for a photoshoot in his bedroom too directly. He obviously didn’t want Shou to get the wrong idea. Though Shou had no idea what the wrong idea might be. Why would he think anything funny about Yutaka wanting to take pictures of him in his bedroom? Any irritated thought would imply the possibility of something sexual happening between them. That would be a weird thought, so obviously, Shou didn’t think it. He thought taking photos in Yutaka’s bedroom was a completely normal request. The light there was better around this time of day. That was all.
“Fine”, he said and got up a bit too fast. He wanted to prove he didn’t get any funny ideas about Yutaka’s suggestion and that to him, it felt completely normal and didn’t make him nervous at all. He tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry.
“Alright”, Yutaka agreed and got up as well. He still seemed hesitant for another moment, then he led the way to the bedroom.
Hurriedly, he tore the blanket and the pillow off the bed, dropping them to the floor carelessly. Shou would have liked to scold him, but then it was Yutaka’s place. His motions were frantic and somehow it looked as if he tried to get rid of evidence. Seemingly, he wanted to make Shou forget that his bed was indeed a bed.
“Please, sit down”, he gestured. “I guess it’s weird when you are just standing.”
Shou sat down at the edge of the bed.
“What do I do now?”, he asked. He didn’t know if he was supposed to get further onto the bed. He didn’t exactly want to sprawl out on Yutaka’s bed and invite him to take pictures. It would make him feel like a pervert, even if he was fully dressed. And then, he wouldn’t know how to look sexy anyway. Better just pretend the bed was a chair.
“Just relax. You don’t have to pose. Sit naturally.”
Shou remained sitting on the bed, not knowing where to put his hands. He rested them on his thighs.
“Okay, not like that”, Yutaka corrected himself. “Your natural position just looks miserable. Can you try to straighten up at least?”
Shou realized that instinctively, he had sat even more hunched than usual to make himself as small as possible. His usual body posture was pretty bad already.
He tried to sit up straight. He still didn’t know what to do with his hands.
Yutaka knelt down on the floor, trying different angles on him without pressing the shutter button yet. Shou didn’t know where to look.
“This is weird”, Yutaka observed and chuckled. “Can you get on the bed properly? You’re too far from the wall and casting weird shadows.”
Shou sighed.
“I think you’re just making that stuff up”, he complained. “You don’t actually know what you are doing anyway.”
But he did shuffle back on the bed until his back was almost resting against the white wall that framed the side of Yutaka’s bed.
Yutaka lifted the camera again and propped one of his knees up on the bed.
“Better”, he concluded.
Involuntarily Shou reached up to fix his hair, although he couldn’t even see what it looked like right now.
“Leave it, it’s fine”, Yutaka said. “Look at me.”
Shou looked into the camera and heard the clicking of the shutter. He felt strangely embarrassed, knowing that this picture of him would now be able to exist forever. It was weird that he thought about that now, when he had his photos taken often enough for work. It felt different, when Yutaka was the one behind the camera, though. It felt more personal, like those photos weren’t just capturing his persona, but a part of him he liked to keep hidden. Maybe, there would be too much longing in his eyes.
“Great, turn your head to the left. Yes, just like that. No, too far. Now, look down just a little.”
Shou lowered his gaze.
He had expected Yutaka to sound gleeful while bossing him around. But he didn’t sound like he was enjoying to give out orders, but matter-of-factly, as if he was too caught up in the act of photographing to pay attention to anything else. Seeing him act so professional was actually quite sexy.
“Ah, the light here is great”, Yutaka observed and climbed onto the bed completely to get Shou from another angle as well.
Shou felt overly conscious of his own body. He didn’t know where to put his arms or his legs or how to hold his head in a natural way. He had completely forgotten how he managed to operate his body on a daily basis. It didn’t help, that he was very aware of Yutaka watching him. Yutaka of all people. Shou wanted to look good for him, for the camera. But he didn’t even manage to look natural.
“Lean back”, Yutaka ordered. “Put your weight on your left arm more. Now, tilt back your head slightly.”
Shou was glad for receiving clear instructions. At least, he didn’t have to wonder what to do with his body, when Yutaka asked him for specific poses.
“Look at me”, Yutaka asked. “You keep looking away.”
Hesitantly Shou looked into the camera.
Yutaka shuffled closer. Shou didn’t understand why that made him nervous. There was still the camera between them.
Yutaka lowered the camera and checked the last photos on the display. Shou studied his face closely, trying to read his expression. He would have liked to know if Yutaka was pleased with the way he looked or if Shou’s looks did disappoint him in the end.
“And?”, Shou asked impatiently. “How ugly did you make me look?”
Yutaka shrugged without replying and started fumbling with the settings of his camera again.
“Oi!”, Shou scoffed. “Aren’t you supposed to say something reassuring, if you want me to keep modelling? At least say something.” He was angry at himself for sounding pleading.
Yutaka looked up shortly and his expression was surprisingly serious.
“I could make a joke to brush it off, but it would probably hurt you”, Yutaka said calmly. “And if I made you a compliment, you wouldn’t believe me. You’d be uncomfortable either way.”
Shou’s face burned with heat. It wasn’t just embarrassment but something more primal he felt. He felt ashamed, because he knew that Yutaka was right. He craved compliments so badly, but even when he received them, he never believed them anyway, because he felt ugly deep down regardless. He wished Yutaka had just made a joke.
“I’m sorry”, Yutaka added.
Shou exhaled shakily.
“It’s alright”, he confessed. “You’ve got a point after all.”
“They look good, I think”, Yutaka said. He still didn’t look up. Shou watched him fumbling with the camera for another moment. The thought that Yutaka liked the pictures made him feel a little better.
“Okay, now pose like it’s for work. Show me your cool side”, Yutaka suggested. His voice was light as if he tried to make up for his seriousness before.
Shou tried to put on a serious expression.
“You mean you want me to pose like it’s for the fans?”, he asked.
“No, I want more effort than that!”, Yutaka shouted and held up the camera again. “Pose like you’re getting paid for it!”
Shou burst out laughing. The shutter clicked soundly.
“Oi!”, he protested, still laughing. “I wasn’t ready yet!”
Yutaka took another picture, sticking out his tongue at Shou, which looked pretty stupid behind the camera hiding most of his face.
“Penis!”, Yutaka said without context.
Shou tried to roll his eyes, but he kept laughing anyway.
“You are stupid”, he scolded. It was obvious, that Yutaka had tried to catch him off guard for the pictures. Shou assumed they would turn out blurry and useless. He felt giddy nonetheless. Taking pictures like this was more fun than not knowing what to do with his hands at least.
“Hey”, Yutaka said suddenly and lowered the camera. “Stay like this, wait.”
He leaned in and brushed Shou’s hair back on the left side, tucking it behind his ear carefully. His fingers crazed his cheek lightly. The intimate gesture came so unexpectedly, that it caused Shou’s heart to outright skip a beat.
“I’ve always thought you look sexy like this”, Yutaka explained. His voice was too light to sound flirty, but the comment made Shou feel very tense from one moment to the next. His normal reaction would have been to scold Yutaka for the remark, but he didn’t want to prove him right by showing that he was indeed unable to accept compliments. Instead, he stayed silent.
Yutaka leaned back to study his face more closely. Shou didn’t dare to move, because Yutaka had told him to hold the position, but also because he wouldn’t have known what to do or where to look otherwise at all.
“Could you …?” Now Yutaka’s voice cracked and Shou thought that he suddenly seemed nervous as well. “Could you bite your lips for me? I mean, so they’ll turn pink. It will look nicer on the photos.”
Shou hesitated, feeling embarrassed. He wished Yutaka wouldn’t stare at his lips so openly. He bit down on his lower lip and smacked his lips self-consciously. Yutaka was still staring. For a moment, he seemed so absent-minded that Shou was convinced he had forgotten about the photo shooting entirely.
Finally, Yutaka cleared his throat.
“Good. I mean, uh, good”, he stuttered and clenched the camera tighter as he lifted it to his eyes. It seemed to help him calm down.
“Your lips are gorgeous. It would be a shame to not bring them out properly”, he added as an explanation.
Very briefly, Shou wondered why Yutaka didn’t just kiss him.
“Just take your stupid pictures already”, he muttered, trying to keep as still as possible. “I can’t sit still forever.”
“Don’t be such a baby”, Yutaka scolded, but did take another picture. “Look at me.”
Shou moved only his eyes. He didn’t know when this had turned so sensual. He was very aware of Yutaka’s eyes all over him. His face, his lips, his neckline. He wondered, what Yutaka thought about while looking at him like this. The possibilities made it difficult for him to swallow. Hopefully, they would be done soon. This couldn’t get any worse. The room was oddly hot, too. Shou wished they could open a window.
“Lay down”, Yutaka said.
“What?” Shou’s voice came out quieter than he had intended. He sounded insecure.
Yutaka got up, so he was now standing on the bed. He waved for Shou to move.
“Come on, I want to get some different positions. Just get down on your back.”
Shou hesitated, but then Yutaka was just standing on the bed, which wasn’t a position that screamed of sexual tension exactly. He seemed rather impatient with Shou, too. He probably wasn’t thinking anything of it at all.
Shou followed his instruction and lay down on his back, propping himself up on one arm slightly.
“Yes, give me that soft, just-woken-up look”, Yutaka said.
Shou reached up and ran his hand through his hair, leaving it behind tousled.
“Great”, Yutaka confirmed and took pictures. He was standing over Shou, one foot at each side of his hips. It was a somewhat ridiculous position.
“Can you put your arm over your head?”
Shou sunk back onto the sheets completely and raised his arm over his head. The position was making him feel vulnerable, because it didn’t allow him to shield his body with his arm anymore.
Yutaka leaned forward and for a moment, Shou worried, that he would just fall over while taking pictures. Judging by the lines around his mouth, he was pretty focused.
“Better do a close-up”, Yutaka announced and without warning he sat down.
Shou’s breath sounded shaky in his own ears.
Yutaka was straddling him and although he used his legs to support himself, Shou could sense the weight of his body against his abdomen clearly. Yutaka’s body was so warm, that he grew even hotter instantly.
“What are you doing?”, he protested weakly.
“What? It’s a good position for getting your face”, Yutaka defended himself.
“I’ve been at a lot of photoshoots before”, Shou pointed out. “And you’re the first photographer to ever straddle me.”
“Well, they have no idea what they were missing”, Yutaka joked. He shifted his weight, so he was practically rubbing his butt against Shou. Shou very much wished he wouldn’t do that. It made him break into a cold sweat.
“Look here”, Yutaka ordered and pressed the camera to his eyes. After a second, he lowered it again. “And maybe try to look seductive. And less paralyzed by fear. Right now, you look like you’re about to get eaten by a shark.”
Shou tried to even out his breath. So, Yutaka could tell.
Bravely he tried to meet the eye of the camera.
“Come on”, Yutaka said. “You still seem scared. Look at me like I’m your girlfriend.”
At least, the suggestion made Shou laugh. With Yutaka sitting on top of him, it was hard to move.
“To be fair, this is pretty much exactly how I would look at you, if you were my girlfriend”, he pointed out.
Yutaka grinned and lifted the camera again.
“Right”, he said. “I forgot, you’re scared of girls, too. Look at me like I’m a sandwich maker then.”
“Yutaka”, Shou protested, but had to laugh in spite of himself. He looked up at Yutaka affectionately. He always had to be such an idiot.
“Right, that’s it”, Yutaka confirmed and quickly took a picture.
Shou made a face, which unfortunately didn’t stop Yutaka from taking more pictures. Shou bared his teeth.
Yutaka was laughing at his silly faces, but finally lowered the camera.
“Alright, now I need you to take off your shirt”, he announced.
“What?”, Shou asked, too baffled to develop any complicated feelings about the request. “I’m surely not taking off my shirt.”
“It’s necessary”, Yutaka declared in a dramatic manner. “The rest of your clothes have to go, too, that would be better. You see, the light and the camera reflexes work differently on the human skin and I just need to practice getting that right. So, for the sake of art, it’s not debatable. You have to get naked.”
“You’re so full of shit”, Shou said and laughed, nudging Yutaka’s thigh. Usually, he might have felt uncomfortable about the suggestion, but Yutaka put on such a show, that it was obvious he was joking. “Camera reflexes, my ass. I won’t let you take my nudes. You have to ask Kenji for that.”
Yutaka chuckled gently.
“Okay, okay”, he agreed. “But I just had to try.”
He said it like Shou was supposed to know what he meant by that. Had he just had to take his chance to tease Shou? Or was he implying, that he just had to try to get Shou naked in his bed? And if so, why was he acting, like Shou should know about that?
Shou cleared his throat and nudged Yutaka’s leg harder now.
“Anyway, get off me already”, he huffed. “Let me check, if the pictures you took are even any good.”
Yutaka sighed quietly, but climbed off Shou. He sat down and checked the last pictures he had taken, while Shou scrambled into a sitting position.
“Here”, Yutaka said and held the camera out to Shou.
Shou took it and regretted breaking the tension between them. If he had just been a little braver, things might have turned out differently.
But luckily, Yutaka had the ability to stay pretty unbothered by Shou’s constant attempts of pulling away. He crawled closer and sat down behind Shou. He had his legs spread, so one was stretched out behind Shou, while he was kneeling on the other one in a way, that allowed him to look over Shou’s shoulder. He could easily have placed his chin on Shou’s shoulder as well, but he kept his distance. If Shou had leaned back just a little, Yutaka could have wrapped his arms around his waist and held him from behind.
Shou tried to focus on the small display in his hands and not on the warmth of Yutaka’s body behind him.
The first pictures made him wince. Those were the ones Yutaka had taken of him while making faces just now. The worst thing wasn’t the weird faces, though, although all the wrinkles and teeth sure weren’t flattering. It was the fact, that his cheeks looked so red and he was clearly flushed. Even on the pictures Shou could see how much Yutaka’s physical closeness had unsettled him. And it wasn’t the sexy kind of unsettlement. He looked weird and embarrassed.
“God, these pictures are ugly”, Shou said and flicked his tongue. “You suck at photography, too, it seems.”
“It’s the fault of the model”, Yutaka defended himself and laughed. “Even a good photographer can only do so much with a face like that.”
“Jerk”, Shou said.
Yutaka didn’t reply.
Shou kept clicking through the photos.
Yutaka leaned in closer and tilted his head, so he could rest his cheek against Shou’s shoulder. The gesture was definitely too intimate to be entirely casual. Shou stared down on the camera.
They were done with the goofy, flushed pictures now and reached the ones, that Yutaka had taken with his hair tucked back behind his ear.
Shou stopped at one of the photos. The light was falling in on his face nicely, his eyes were cast down. His features looked serious yet soft, and the angle made his face look more contoured than usual. It didn’t look exactly like the pictures they took at photo shootings, because he wasn’t wearing makeup and his hair was just falling down casually, but it still wasn’t too bad.
“I look pretty nice here”, Shou observed surprised. He could almost make himself believe, that it was the picture of someone else, and if it had been a stranger, Shou would have considered him to be reasonably handsome at least.
“You do”, Yutaka confirmed.
Shou stayed silent and stared down on the picture some more. He didn’t feel ready to let this one go and look at more ugly pictures of himself.
“But, here”, Yutaka said gently and lifted his head off Shou’s shoulder. To his surprise, Shou realized he missed its weight. It had felt oddly comforting.
Yutaka reached around him and pushed Shou’s thumb off the button. Shou was still holding the camera in place, though, so Yutaka’s hand was more or less cupping his own. His palm felt warm against the back of Shou’s hand.
“This is my favourite one”, Yutaka added and clicked through the photos quickly, until he stopped at one.
Critically Shou looked down onto the picture. Yutaka did not pull back his hand. Shou assumed he could have pulled back his hand himself, since he was still holding the camera with the other one. But he didn’t want to break the touch either.
The photo Yutaka had wanted to show him wasn’t the worst one Shou had ever seen of himself, but it also wasn’t the best. It was one of the pictures, on which he was laughing, because Yutaka had horsed around. The light fell onto his face nicely here, too, and his hair looked soft and fluffy. But he was had his mouth open and his teeth were showing and weird wrinkles lined the corner of his eyes. He looked happy, but Shou preferred the handsome stranger nonetheless.
“It looks very much like …” He hesitated. “Well, like me.”
“Yeah”, Yutaka agreed. He didn’t say anything else.
Shou kept looking down on the picture.
“Well, I assume it’s not so bad”, he finally concluded.
Yutaka put his cheek back against Shou’s shoulder and his hand snug up to Shou’s waist from behind. He was touching him very lightly, his other hand still cupping Shou’s as they both held on to the camera. It felt as if he was getting the softest hug with most of their bodies not touching at all, but it would only take a slight shift to make Shou sink back into Yutaka’s arms.
Obviously, Yutaka was waiting, if he would pull back. Shou did not move at all.
“I’m sorry about earlier”, Yutaka said quietly.
Shou had no idea what he was talking about.
“I shouldn’t have been so rude, when I opened the present. I made fun of you, instead of telling you how happy it made me.”
“It’s fine”, Shou said and lowered the camera onto his lap. “I’m used to your ungrateful ass.”
“I was just insecure”, Yutaka owned up softly. “Because I didn’t know if it was just a camera, or a camera, with which you wanted to tell me something more. I didn’t want to give the wrong reaction.”
Shou could hear the question in Yutaka’s voice, that he hadn’t outright asked yet.
Very quietly Shou sighed. It was something he had thought about before, of course.
“It’s just a camera”, he said.
Yutaka sat up straight, so his head was no longer resting against Shou. He pulled his hand back from Shou’s waist, too. The touch had been so light in the first place, that it was hard to even tell the difference.
Before he could let go of Shou’s hand as well, Shou grabbed his wrist to hold him back.
“No, wait, let me explain.”
Yutaka froze up. He didn’t try to pull his hand away, but he also didn’t lean back in.
“It’s just a camera, so it doesn’t come with any obligations. I just wanted to make you happy. No ulterior motive. That doesn’t mean you’re mistaken about the other thing, though. They are just, you know, two separate issues.”
Shou let go of Yutaka’s wrist to lift two fingers into the air illustrating. It was important to him, that Yutaka understood the difference. He hadn’t been meaning to bribe him or trick him into feeling anything for him. If the feelings already existed in the first place, though, Shou wasn’t going to reject them.
He sensed Yutaka relaxing next to him. The tension just seemed to vanish from his body and his touch felt softer again.
“So, it’s just a camera for a friend and you didn’t mean to tell me anything more with it?”, Yutaka asked.
“Yes”, Shou confirmed.
“But you also wouldn’t mind, if I …”
“Yes”, Shou interrupted him hastily to end Yutaka’s wondering as soon as possible. Then he realized that this might have been the wrong answer, depending on the question. “I mean, no.” He laughed nervously. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”
Yutaka chuckled and put his chin back on Shou’s shoulder.
“What I meant was … Could I convince you to take off your clothes for me in the future, if I promised not to take photos?”
“Well, either you promise not to take photos, or you let me do my makeup first”, Shou replied and Yutaka laughed his deep, calm laughter.
He wrapped his arms around Shou’s waist, just like Shou had imagined he would, and pulled him into a tight embrace. He buried his face against his neck from behind and inhaled as deeply as if he wanted to breathe Shou in.
“You are a hopeless pervert”, he mumbled and his voice came out muffled. Shou sensed his warm breath against his neck.
He had expected his heart to race, if Yutaka actually held him this tightly, but instead he finally felt completely at ease. It seemed that giving out gifts did make you happy after all.
“Now, put the camera aside”, Yutaka said and lifted his head without letting go of Shou with his arms. “I don’t want it to get damaged.”
Now Shou’s heartbeat did quicken at the prospect of what Yutaka might have in store for him, that could possibly damage the camera.
Shou lifted it off his lap slowly, holding it in his hands.
“Why? What are you going to do?”, he asked. He sounded breathless.
“Well, idiot, isn’t that obvious?”, Yutaka whispered into his ear. “I’m going to kiss you.”
Note: A chocolate mystery is like a murder mystery, just that the stakes are way lower. Have a happy Valentine’s Day! (^-^)
Valentine’s Day was a waste of time, that was Shou’s opinion on it at least. Especially since they still had so much to plan and organize until the tour started in March. Mere weeks and they would start their program with two shows per day, not knowing how that would work out at all. They had more important things to do than act lovey-dovey with someone.
Shou felt that way, because he was a responsible adult, to whom the fans were more important than anything else, and not because he didn’t have a significant other to spend the day with.
His bandmates were a different matter of course. Jun was spending Valentine’s Day with his family and Kenji hadn’t passed on a single opportunity to bring up the hot date he had secured for himself. Yutaka hadn’t bragged, but Shou knew, that he always had a date on Valentine’s Day. Most years, he wouldn’t shut up about it.
So, Shou was the only one sitting at home on his own today; not because he was sad and lonely, but because he was the only one dedicated enough to make the sacrifice to ensure their tour would work out as planned. He was angry at the others for leaving all the work up to him - as always. He wasn’t jealous, because Jun had already found the person, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, nor because Kenji would certainly get laid tonight with these obscene good looks of his, nor because of Yutaka.
The doorbell interrupted his negative thoughts.
Shou furrowed his brows. He was not expecting anyone. Absolutely everybody he knew had better things to do today than show up on his doorstep. Didn’t people know it was Valentine’s Day? They were supposed to be smooching or canoodling, or whatever you did on this day when you weren’t Shou.
Suspiciously he went over to the door.
“Yeah?”, he asked over the intercom.
“A delivery for Kiryuuin Shou”, a male voice said.
Shou hesitated. He wasn’t expecting anything. He hadn’t ordered anything online lately and when he did, he usually used his real name, since it was the one showing up on the bills as well. But it wouldn’t be the first time he had ordered something to the office and then forgotten about it. The staff usually forwarded the packages to him using his stage name.
He buzzed up the delivery guy and opened the front door already, so he wouldn’t have to ring again at the apartment door.
The young guy coming up the stairs wore a blue jacket with a logo patched to the shoulder, that looked somewhat official, but clearly didn’t belong to the regular postal service. He carried a small white box in his hand that seemed too delicate and quite frankly too clean to resemble a regular package.
“Mr. Kiryuuin?”, he asked.
“Yes, thank you”, Shou said and bowed his head lightly without taking the box. “What is this?”
The delivery guy looked down at the box in his hands in honest confusion. He looked so young, Shou guessed he was a college student working parttime.
“Well, it’s chocolates”, he pointed out dumbfounded. “It’s Valentine’s Day. I’m working for this start-up. We offer a delivery service especially for today. So, people can send chocolates to their loved ones. I’ve got a delivery for you.”
Shou stared at the box as if it might contain something poisonous. He sensed a cold and hard knot forming in his stomach. It was a very unpleasant feeling.
“Who sent this?”, he asked.
The delivery guy shrugged apologetic.
“Well, you’re the one who has to figure that out, dude. No girlfriend?”
Slowly Shou shook his head.
“I want to know, who sent this”, he inquired. “Can’t you check your records?”
“No, sorry, can’t do. Most girls pay cash and don’t leave a name. It’s not necessary.” He shrugged.
“Do you know what’s inside?”, Shou wanted to know.
Now the guy furrowed his brow. He looked annoyed. He probably had other deliveries to make. Maybe he had a quote to fulfil.
“It’s probably chocolates. What else would it be?”
“What if someone sends a bomb?”, Shou asked.
The poor boy looked seriously troubled now.
“Why would anyone do that? We just deliver chocolates and flowers and stuff. Just take it.”
Briefly Shou considered to just outright decline it. But then, they would probably just throw out the box and he would lose every chance he had to find out who had sent it to him.
“Fine”, he said warily and took the box.
The guy held out a paper for Shou to sign and he did it absentmindedly, before he took the box inside with him. It really looked pretty and had doted ribbons wrapped around it, too. It seemed like something you would send your crush chocolates in on Valentine’s Day. Even if it were chocolates, it was still troublesome.
Shou placed the box on the kitchen counter and stared at it. He tried to breathe calmly. Just in case, he had locked the front door from the inside.
Whoever had sent him this box knew where he lived. A strange person – someone, who could literally be anyone – knew his address. They could be watching the building right now. There was nothing scarier than an anonymous present send to your private address, when you were a celebrity.
No matter how much Shou tried to fight it, he felt the panic rising in his chest, the anxiety drilling his stomach. He remembered all the trouble it had caused, when his address had gotten leaked the first time: The rushed moving, having to find a new place within a short period of time, organizing the transport of the furniture, while not being able to stay at his own apartment. He had crushed on Yutaka’s couch for more than a week and even after he had finally moved, Yutaka had needed to stay over the first night with him, because he had felt too tense to fall asleep alone at the new place.
More than the stress of moving, it was the feeling of being unsafe at a place that was meant to be his home – his safe space – that Shou dreaded. He didn’t want to go through it again. Constantly scared that someone was staring up to his window, while he packed up his things, scared to leave in the evening, because someone might be waiting on the street for him. Honestly, it had taken Shou months to settle into his new apartment. He still made jokes about being pissed, because someone had forced the trouble of moving upon him, but truth was, that even now, years after, he still felt his chest tightening occasionally whenever he came home late in the evening, not being able to shake the feeling of someone watching him as he unlocked the front door.
He turned around and drew the curtains, although his apartment was up too high for anyone to look in through the window anyway. Instead, he switched on the light overhead and felt a little bit calmer instantly.
He was still anxious, but at least the panic didn’t make him want to throw up anymore.
He considered taking the box over to the next police station. Maybe there were fingerprints on it. Maybe they could send someone back home along with him to watch the door to make sure no creepy stalker was sneaking around his neighbourhood while he slept.
But then the police might just laugh in his face, because a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly much to go by. And he didn’t want to risk any publicity, before he had talked to the management. But could he really call them right now? It was Sunday and everyone was out of office, on Valentine’s Day for sure. Not that he wouldn’t be able to reach anyone, but he would feel bad for bothering them today. It would be better to inform everyone on Monday. No one had dropped dead animals on his doorstep after all. He probably wasn’t in any acute danger.
He really needed to talk to someone, though. Even if it was just to calm himself. Someone, who would understand and who was also affected, because a threat to Shou posed a threat to the entire band of course.
Shou took up his mobile and was about to dial Yutaka’s number, when he stopped short.
Would Yutaka really be okay with it, if he just called him now? He would probably scold Shou for bothering him. On Valentine’s Day moreover, when he had a date for sure. A small, mean part of Shou wanted to call him even more so. It would be the perfect excuse to ruin Yutaka’s date and take his revenge on him for being out having fun, when Shou was sitting home alone, working on the tour for all of them. But then he knew that he would never bring himself to be that much of a jerk. No matter how bitter he was, he didn’t want Yutaka to suffer because of his pettiness. The same went for Kenji, actually. He couldn’t call either of them and disturb their dates for selfish reasons. After all, they might be out with their future spouse this very moment. He couldn’t risk their chance of finding the right person.
So, he called the only person, who already had.
“Hello?”, Jun said after the fourth ring.
“Hey, Jun, it’s me, Shou”, Shou muttered.
“Oh, what’s up?”, Jun sounded tense, as if he dreaded the answer. Maybe he was scared Shou would make him work on his day off.
“I got Valentine’s chocolates”, Shou said. “That means, it’s supposed to be chocolates. It’s really just a white box. And I’m completely freaking out. I mean, it was an anonymous delivery. Jun, I think my address got leaked. Some crazy fan found out where I live and sent me this box and now, I’m not sure, if I should call the management or go to the police or …”
“Shou, calm down”, Jun interrupted him.
Shou took in another deep breath, trying to remind his body that he was not in physical danger right now.
“I’m scared”, Shou said quietly.
“You’re just being paranoid”, Jun said. “Those chocolates could be from anyone.”
“Exactly!”, Shou agreed.
Through the phone he heard Jun sigh.
“I just mean, they could be from the office. Or from someone you know. Have you opened the box yet?”
“Hell, you think I’m crazy?” Shou’s voice sounded too high-pitched in his own ears. “I’ve been sent teeth in the mail before. Fucking teeth. And those were sent to the office. Someone, who is crazy enough to sent it to my private address could be sending a severed ear, or a poisonous spider or whatnot. There is really no way I’m going to open this box.”
“You should just open it”, Jun said. “Didn’t you talk to the others yet?”
Shou stayed silent for a moment, clenching the phone tightly in his hand. He knew that Jun was really just asking about Yutaka, because he was always the one, whom Shou called first.
“I didn’t want to disturb them on Valentine’s Day”, he admitted weakly.
“Oh, but you could disturb me?”, Jun asked huffily.
“A sudden phone call can really ruin a first date”, Shou pointed out. “Your wife is not going to divorce you, just because you picked up the phone.”
Jun sighed once again.
“Okay, Shou, whatever you do, don’t take the box to the police, before even knowing what’s inside. I don’t think you should bother the management with it today either. Just take a look inside and if it’s something weird or dangerous, call me again and we’ll work it out. Okay? Just try to stay calm.”
“You’re just going to hang up on me like that?”, Shou assured in disbelief. “While my life might be in grave danger?”
“Well, it is Valentine’s Day”, Jun reminded him. “So, I’ve got to go. Open the damn box. Talk to you later.”
“Thanks for nothing”, Shou mumbled into the speaker, but the dial tone told him that Jun had already hung up. His bandmates really were useless.
He eyed the box again. Was Jun right? Was he overreacting? Maybe he should just brace himself and open the box. Not that he was going to eat the chocolates, if there were any inside. They might be poisoned. Or filled with a magic love portion. Or make him go bald. But at least he would know for sure what was inside the box.
He shook his head. No, he couldn’t do it. He just wasn’t brave enough. He needed to calm down first.
Turning his back on the white box as if he could trick it into thinking he didn’t care, Shou started pacing the apartment. He wasn’t sure if the movement actually helped to calm himself, but at least it gave him the feeling, that he was doing something. He stayed clear of the windows, though. You never knew who might be watching.
He got out his phone and checked it, although he didn’t know what for. He wasn’t expecting any calls.
Catching some fresh air would be nice. It would certainly relax him to go for a walk outside. But he didn’t dare to leave the apartment. He felt the anxiety rising in his chest almost physically. Moments ago, he had still considered consulting the police, now he couldn’t image going out on his own anymore at all. Eventually he would need to get new groceries. Maybe he could order something online? But how would he known whom to answer the door safely?
Shortly Shou closed his eyes.
His fears were getting irrational now. Maybe it would be better to stay inside today, but even if the box turned out to be from a creepy stalker fan, the management would come pick him up by tomorrow the latest. For that, he really needed to check what was inside the box, though.
There was really no point in avoiding it. He had to take a look inside, before he drew any conclusions. And really, how bad could it be? He had received teeth in the mail before and he had survived that, although it had freaked him out quite a bit. There was a fair chance it wouldn’t get worse than that, even if the circumstances were more frightening this time.
He went back over to the box and stared at it challengingly. It was just a box presumably filled with chocolates. It would not get the better of Shou.
Hesitantly he reached out.
The doorbell rang.
The sound was so loud and unexpected, that Shou flinched so hard, he hit his arm against the kitchen counter. He winced.
Who might that be? The stalker themselves? Were they testing him? Playing mind games?
But then, the explanation didn’t have to be so dark. Maybe Jun had changed his mind and come over to check on Shou. Quite a bit of time had passed since their call. Enough time for him to get here, if he hurried.
Shou walked over to the door and turned on the intercom.
“Yes?”, he asked warily.
“Buzz me up, you fucking moron”, a familiar voice shouted through the speaker.
Shou felt his whole body relaxing instantly. It was alright now. He didn’t know why Yutaka had shown up at his apartment, but it didn’t matter. Important was only that he was here now and just hearing his voice made Shou feel almost safe again.
He pressed the button to allow Yutaka into the building. This time, he waited before opening his front door, though. He stood behind it, until he heard Yutaka’s aggressive knocking. He never rang the doorbell like a normal person, but had to use his fist as if he was trying to pick a fight with the door.
Shou unlocked the door and yanked it open. The desire to just throw himself into Yutaka’s arms was almost overwhelming. He just wanted to be held for a moment, he just wanted to no longer feel alone but physically safe, and it would have been his reaction with any of his acquaintances showing up on his doorstep right now. Yutaka wasn’t special.
Yutaka’s facial expression stopped him short, though.
The lines showing on his forehead made him look grumpy, but he kept his eyes on the floor as if avoiding Shou’s gaze, which was pretty weird for someone, who usually never dodged a confrontation.
“What are you doing here?”, Shou asked.
Yutaka exhaled soundly and he finally looked up. He seemed oddly relieved, as if he had expected a different greeting.
“Jun called me to give me a heads up. He told me your paranoid ass was stressing over Valentine’s chocolate.”
Shou waved him in and made sure to lock the front door again. It made Yutaka roll his eyes visibly.
“It’s just weird”, Shou defended himself. “How would anyone know my private address? It’s scary they were delivered here.”
“The only thing weird about it is that anyone would send you chocolates to begin with. What a strange choice”, Yutaka muttered and went into the apartment without waiting for a proper invitation. He moved like he was at home here, too. “What’s with the curtains?”
Without waiting for an answer Yutaka went over to pull them open and let the daylight in again. He remained standing next to the window.
“Shut them again”, Shou asked. “I’m worried someone might be watching the apartment.”
“God, Shou, it’s probably someone you know. That’s how they knew your address. That’s the most reasonable explanation and what any normal person would assume first.”
Shou didn’t know why Yutaka sounded this angry. He usually had an aggressive way of talking, but at least with Shou he was normally patient. Maybe he was annoyed that Shou had ruined his Valentine’s date. The thought made him feel giddy and gleeful inside, but he tried not to pay attention to it. He was happy that Yutaka had chosen him over his date, but not in an inappropriate way.
“If they know me, they could have given the chocolates to me in person”, Shou said. “If we’re speaking of what a normal person would do.”
“Maybe they were scared of your reaction”, Yutaka said and crossed the arms in front of his chest. It looked funny how he remained standing next to the window instead of sitting down anywhere.
“If they knew me, they should have considered, that it would frighten me this way”, Shou insisted.
He smacked his lips, angry at Yutaka for scolding him instead of offering him the comfort he craved. But then he reminded himself, that Yutaka had probably given up on his date to be here in the first place and he should be less strict with him.
“Maybe they are just stupid”, Yutaka answered, his voice a lot louder than it had to be. “They have to be for liking you in the first place.”
“Why aren’t you on your date?”, Shou asked.
“My date?” Yutaka sounded so baffled, that he forgot to shout this time. “Who told you I had a date?”
Shou shrugged uncomfortably. He didn’t want Yutaka to think he had spent a lot of time picturing him on a date or anything.
“I just assumed”, he said vaguely. “That’s why I called Jun and not you. You always have a Valentine.”
Yutaka sighed.
“Well, this year I don’t. I messed up big time.”
“That doesn’t surprise me”, Shou mocked, more cheerful immediately. “I’m just surprised it never happened before.”
Yutaka gave him a dry smile and nodded over to the box.
“Now, just open the goddamn box already, so we can put that behind us. Whoever sent it probably left a note inside.”
Shou looked at him dumbfounded. He had to admit, that he hadn’t really thought of that yet. Just because the delivery boy hadn’t been able to give a name, he had assumed the box had been sent anonymously. He hadn’t really considered, that it might contain an actual confession.
“Alright”, he agreed sheepishly and turned towards the box. He waited for Yutaka to join him.
He didn’t.
Shou looked up. Yutaka had turned his back on him and was looking out the window as if he didn’t care at all, what Shou was up to. He had lowered his arms again and seemed unable to decide what to do with his hands. That was unusual for him. Normally Yutaka seemed very much at ease with his own body. Briefly Shou considered, that in spite of his dismissive words, Yutaka wasn’t entirely convinced that nothing horrible was inside the box either. Maybe he was also scared of Shou finding a severed ear inside and just tried to act tough to not worry him any further. He had the habit of acting more chill than he really was, just for Shou’s sake.
“Are you just going to let me do it alone?”, Shou asked incredulous.
“What do you want me to do?”, Yutaka asked and scoffed. “You need me to hold your hand?”
Shou felt his cheeks heating up and he lowered his gaze onto the box fast. Actually, he thought that it would feel nice, if Yutaka held his hand to comfort him, but he wasn’t going to admit that out loud.
“Of course not”, he said quietly and reached out to undo the ribbons around the box. With Yutaka by his side, he felt a whole lot braver than before.
Slowly he lifted the lid of the box.
There were chocolates inside indeed. Small, dark pralines that looked like they had been purchased from an actual chocolatier. The expensive kind.
Yutaka had been right about the note, too. On top of the chocolates sat a folded piece of white paper.
Shou took it up and unfolded it. His heart was beating very quickly. He felt scared, but strangely enough not in a dreadful way. He felt nervous.
His eyes fell onto the handwriting.
Shou, the note read. No “dear” or “beloved”, that would indicate a confession. The Valentine’s note started like an announcement. I don’t like admitting this, but I have romantic feelings for you. Since no one else will want you as their Valentine anyway, would you be mine?
The note was signed, too.
Shou put it back down onto the kitchen counter and licked his lips.
“You gave me a scare, idiot”, he said and looked up.
“I didn’t know you wouldn’t even open it”, Yutaka said and finally turned around to face Shou, although they were still several metres apart. “I’m sorry, though. I came here to miniate the damage. I wasn’t meaning to scare you.”
Shou nodded slowly. Yutaka looked lost as if he didn’t know what he was doing at Shou’s apartment any longer.
“Apology accepted”, Shou said.
“You don’t seem surprised”, Yutaka observed.
Shou smiled.
“Well, when you pointed out that the sender would have to be extraordinary stupid, I kind of figured. After all, you’re the dumbest person I know.”
“Alright”, Yutaka said and clapped his hands together. “I just wanted to assure there was no reason for you to be scared. Your address didn’t get leaked. You can sleep peacefully tonight. So, now that that’s settled, I’ll be on my way.”
He finally took a step away from the window to move towards the front door.
“Don’t you want to hear my answer first?”, Shou wanted to know.
Yutaka stopped short and looked at him wide-eyed. His face seemed to mirror the fear Shou had felt only a short while ago. Finally, Shou understood how much he had needed to overcome himself to show up here and face Shou, while he opened the box. He must have wanted to comfort Shou badly, if he was that scared of his reaction and had come here anyway. But then, it was very much like Yutaka to put his own worries behind himself only to take care of Shou – while being a total jerk about it at the same time.
“I think I better … I should …” Yutaka pointed towards the door helplessly. He looked like he wanted to just run out the door, before Shou could answer; like an animal in flight mode.
“Yes”, Shou interrupted him hastily to put him at ease. “Yes, I do want to be your Valentine.”
“Really?” The word came out incredibly soft and the tension disappeared from Yutaka’s shoulders visibly.
“Absolutely”, Shou confirmed and walked over to the window. Yutaka still looked like he could need some comfort. “I’m so happy the chocolates were from you.”
Gently he reached out and put his hands against Yutaka’s neck.
“I’m happy too”, Yutaka whispered.
Shou leaned in and rested his forehead against Yutaka’s. He sensed his body relaxing instantly. Being this close to Yutaka put him at ease like nothing else.
“I’m happy I’m no longer in danger of getting arrested by the police for having shitty taste in men”, Yutaka clarified.
Shou chuckled.
“And I’m happy that I won’t have to move”, he said. “It’s such a hassle.”
Yutaka laughed quietly. Shou sensed his body trembling softly against himself. The sound of Yutaka’s laughter made him feel safe. He leaned in and kissed him right in front of the window.
Yutaka was still fixing his hair in the mirror. Everyone else had already left the dressing rooms.
It was actually nice to take a shower right after the concert, remove the makeup and slip into more comfortable clothes. Usually, the routine felt rushed, with the fans cheering outside and wanting to catch the car before anyone could get the idea to wait up for them. That at least was an advantage of the digital lives they held nowadays. Shou missed seeing the happy faces of the fans while he sung to them, but he felt slightly less worn out after the shows. Right now, he didn’t feel sweaty and disgusting and rushing to get home. He felt like maybe a beer and some company would be nice. It was Christmas Eve after all.
“Will that take much longer?”, Shou kept nagging. “Because I think almost everyone else already left. I’d feel bad to make them wait just for us.”
“It takes time to look this good”, Yutaka said jokingly and finally straightened himself.
Shou had to admit that he was looking good. Usually, he’d change into baggy clothes after the live, but tonight he wore a proper button-down shirt. The collar had glitter on it as if Yutaka had tried to capture the Christmas spirit. He hadn’t buttoned the shirt all the way up. Shou wondered, why he was dressed like that. It wasn’t Yutaka’s style at all. It suited him, though. Shou liked the look on him.
“Why are you dressed up like that anyway?”, Shou asked.
“Well, why are you dressed up?”, Yutaka wanted to know. “It’s Christmas, that’s why.”
Shou lowered his eyes and hoped the heat of his face wouldn’t show on his cheeks.
It was true, that usually he would have changed into something more homely as well. He wasn’t dressed up like Yutaka was, but at least he wore jeans that actually fit. It was a look he could wear out to a bar, in case Yutaka was up for drinks.
Shou was dressed like this for the same reason, that he was still waiting up for Yutaka now, although he took ages getting ready and everyone else had already left and Shou was annoyed with him.
Christmas was for lovers.
Of course, Yutaka and him were not lovers. They were not dating, or at least, they hadn’t outright called it that yet.
The last weeks something in their relationship had changed significantly, though. But it was very well possible, that it meant nothing to Yutaka other than killing time until their normal life was able to resume.
Both of them had felt lonely without the fans nor being able to meet friends. And they both got tested for the recordings anyway and during the shootings, they already got close. Yutaka was among the very few people, with whom Shou had been able to meet up without feeling too guilty about it. So, they had hung out at Yutaka’s place sometimes and sometimes at Shou’s place. Sometimes drinking, sometimes playing videogames, sometimes just chatting. It had felt like back in high school, when they used to meet for no other reason but the fact that they enjoyed each other’s company.
And then, one night after one beer too many, it had turned out they both craved more than just company. They craved physical touch, just feeling another human being right there next to them. Shou couldn’t even recall whom of them had initiated the first kiss. It had all felt so natural.
From there on, they had fallen into a routine without quite being able to name the point at which they started kissing on the nights without beer, too. It had been greedy and sloppy and their hands had clawed into fabric and slipped underneath shirts. That was all that had happened so far, though. Neither of them had addressed what it meant.
Shou assumed that it was just loneliness and that they would call it off silently as soon as they found other tasks and other people to keep themselves busy with. It irritated him, though, that they had met up for other things, too. A walk in the park for example. And that they called each other on almost every night they didn’t spend together. At times, it felt as if they were actually dating.
Shou wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted, but he knew that he didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve on his own. More precisely, he wanted to spend it with Yutaka, drinking and chatting and maybe going home together afterwards and finally taking off each other’s clothes for good. The drinking and chatting and laughing and hearing Yutaka’s voice was as important as the undressing in Shou’s mind, which probably meant that he would like to date. There was no point in forcing a decision now, though. They still had time. He didn’t need to put pressure on Yutaka right away. He could just make it casual. If Yutaka was still up for it, they could hang out together after the concert. Just two friends and bandmates, who had been forced to meet up today anyway. They didn’t have to label it as a Christmas date.
“Alright, let’s go”, Yutaka announced and made his way towards the door.
He did not comment on the fact, that Shou had obviously waited up for him and Shou was grateful for that. He didn’t want to explain why he had waited, although Yutaka could probably tell easily.
“Today was fun, wasn’t it?”, Shou said lamely.
He wished he had anything more interesting to say. This way, he couldn’t blame Yutaka, if he would want to call off the whole thing in a couple of months. Shou was probably not the most interesting person, who would like to go out with Yutaka. Certainly not the most handsome, Shou would have betted on that.
“Yes, though of course it would be more fun with the fans right here.”
“Yeah”, Shou agreed. For months now, it felt as if they were just repeating the same sentences over and over again until they became practically separated from their meaning altogether. Although Shou still felt it, it was starting to sound like an empty truism in his ears.
He led the way down the corridor to the front door of the venue. They usually played at bigger halls, but currently they didn’t need to fit a large audience. The place had a backdoor, too, but they hadn’t even opened it today. Carrying the equipment in that way would have been a hassle.
Shou pushed against the door. The corridor had been empty and he assumed the staff would wait for them outside.
The door didn’t open.
Shou stared at it for a moment.
He pushed again. The only result he caused was a rattling sound.
“Let me, stupid”, Yutaka said and reached past him to pull on the doorhandle. The door didn’t move that way either.
“Great job, idiot”, Shou scolded him in return. He was annoyed that Yutaka had obviously thought he was too stupid to open a door.
“Where is everyone?”, Yutaka asked and turned his head now.
“Seems they locked us in”, Shou stated the obvious.
“No way”, Yutaka said.
Shou gritted his teeth.
“Well, someone here took hours to get ready.”
“The good news is that while we are locked in, my hair looks fabulous”, Yutaka chimed.
Angrily Shou stared at the door. He didn’t like the feeling of being locked in. Sure, it was a big space, so there was no need to feel claustrophobic. It helped that Yutaka was here with him, too. He couldn’t shake the anxiety of being caged in completely, though.
“I can’t believe they forgot about the band!”, Shou muttered.
“They took Jun and Kenji at least”, Yutaka said lightly.
He sounded way too cheerful. It pissed Shou off even more.
“They forgot me!”, Shou hissed out, turning towards Yutaka angrily. “You guys could rot somewhere, but they should remember me. I’m the only person that is actually irreplaceable at these lives!”
He glared at Yutaka, fully aware that the stress turned him mean. He used to lash out at his bandmates more often in the early days, when their success still seemed unreal. It wasn’t fair to attack Yutaka just because the locked door made him uncomfortable. Moreover, since his feelings towards him had changed recently. Shou was better at driving people away than at keeping them close.
Yutaka raised his open palms in defence.
“Calm down”, he said and his voice sounded more serious now. “Don’t stress, okay? I’m sure it was an accident and they are waiting for us outside. They probably don’t know someone locked the door. I will call our manager and ask to be let out. It will be alright.”
Shou felt guilty immediately, because Yutaka didn’t lose patience with him. He seemed aware of how much the situation was stressing Shou. He had grown better at handling Shou’s temper over time. Back in the old days, Yutaka would have picked fights whenever Shou acted cranky. That was the reason why Shou didn’t regret not kissing Yutaka sooner. They had both needed to mature in order for it to work at all.
Yutaka got out his smartphone and paced down the corridor to get out of Shou’s direct earshot as he dialled. Shou assumed he was trying not to stress him by giving him the feeling he would take care of everything himself.
It actually did help. Shou felt himself relaxing. Yutaka would talk to their manager. Shou didn’t have to worry about it. He had organized the whole thing today; he was allowed to leave this small task to Yutaka now. And Yutaka was probably right. It must have been a misunderstanding. The staff was most likely waiting for them outside.
Yutaka turned back. His face did not speak of good news.
“Oh no, they forgot us”, Shou concluded, before Yutaka could say anything.
“Yeah, they totally did”, Yutaka confirmed and pulled a face. “The problem is that they don’t have a key. They need to call the owner of the venue, but obviously, he already went home. We might be a while.”
Shou groaned loudly and tilted back his head.
“What did I do to deserve this?”, he complained. “I want to go home already.”
Yutaka gave him a funny look.
Shou realized it was a stupid thing to say after he had obvious waited up for Yutaka. Of course, he hadn’t meant to go home right away. He had hoped to grab casual drinks and maybe a small snack somewhere with Yutaka. But he could hardly say “I want to go out with you already”, because then it would sound like he wanted to go on a Christmas date and he could not say that out loud, because they hadn’t talked about that yet. It was best to just let it stand there like that.
“I don’t know”, Yutaka said vaguely. “It’s kind of romantic, isn’t it? Getting locked in together on Christmas Eve and being forced to spend time together. Could be the plot of a movie.”
“Sure, it’s romantic”, Shou huffed. “If you are a tough career woman, who forgot about the true meaning of Christmas. In our case, it just sucks.”
Again, it was hard to read Yutaka’s expression. He seemed somewhat offended. Shou realized that maybe, he shouldn’t have been that dismissive of the romance aspect of their situation, if he actually wanted Yutaka to like him. It might seem as if he was turning him down.
To soften his reaction, he looked at his phone.
“It’s past 10 pm already after all”, he added. “I really don’t want to hang out here any longer.”
This time, he left it open on purpose, where he wanted to be instead.
“10 pm already?”, Yutaka repeated, suddenly sounding alarmed. He checked his own mobile. “Fuck”, he swore.
“What is it?”, Shou asked. “Got somewhere else to be?” He had meant to sound teasing, but he felt very cold as soon as the words were out.
Yutaka was dressed very nicely. And it was Christmas after all. Shou hadn’t considered it yet, but it wasn’t impossible, that Yutaka actually had a date.
“Well, yeah”, Yutaka admitted. He avoided Shou’s eyes, which didn’t fit in with his usual provoking attitude. He seemed embarrassed. “You remember that new barbecue place that opened close to my apartment? The fancy looking one with the meat specials.”
Shou nodded. He had eyed the menu longingly on their last walk. Shou loved meat.
“I made a reservation at 10:30 pm. If they don’t let us out in time, they’ll surely give away the table.”
“Hm.” Shou tried to create a neutral sound to cover up how hurt he felt.
Of course, they hadn’t agreed on anything definite. It wasn’t as if they were in a relationship, just because they had made out quite a lot during the past weeks. Yutaka had every right to see other people. The fact that he had chosen a restaurant, of which he knew it was a place Shou would have liked to go, made Shou feel betrayed nonetheless.
He hadn’t expected his chest to hurt like this. He was interested in Yutaka, but he hadn’t gotten his hopes up. He had no right to throw a tantrum now.
“So, a Christmas date?”, he assured as offhanded as possible. His voice came out flatly.
Yutaka shrugged. He seemed as uncomfortable as Shou.
“Yes. I mean, I guess”, he admitted.
“Is it serious?”, Shou wanted to know.
He wondered where Yutaka had met someone anyway, when their social contacts were currently so limited.
“Ah.” Yutaka exhaled. It was more than obvious he felt troubled by Shou’s inquiries. Maybe he did feel guilty after all. “I’d say so”, he confessed. “We’ve been dating for several weeks now. And, I mean, it’s Christmas.”
Shou inhaled a little too sharply and turned his face. Several weeks? Several weeks?! So, Yutaka had been seeing someone else the whole time while sneaking around with Shou, exchanging kisses and talking to him on the phone until late at night?
Shou hadn’t assumed they were dating of course. He wasn’t that delusional. He had known all along that for a guy like Yutaka he could be hardly more than a pastime.
He hadn’t thought that Yutaka would have the audacity to go behind someone’s back that openly, though. Even if he had assumed that Shou knew what he had signed up for, it didn’t seem fair to his partner – Shou pictured her as a cute, lively girl, who had no idea that the guy she was dating also got it on with his bandmate occasionally. In his mind, he named her Mariko.
Shou had known that Yutaka was carefree, but he hadn’t thought he would toy with people like this.
“Is that a problem for you?”, Yutaka asked.
Shou shrugged. He didn’t want Yutaka to think that he was pathetic. If Yutaka didn’t care for their arrangement, Shou shouldn’t care either.
“It’s fine”, he said. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is”, Yutaka confirmed.
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.
Shou realized they would probably have to wait around quite some time. It felt awkward to just stand in the corridor like this.
“Want to …?”, Yutaka started and pointed back to the concert hall.
“Yes, definitely”, Shou confirmed, relieved that Yutaka had taken the decision away from him.
He followed Yutaka back into the venue.
They could have returned to the dressing room as well, sitting down on the chairs there. But Shou was glad Yutaka chose the live room instead. He himself felt drawn back to the stage as well, as if the familiar space could provide him with some sort of comfort.
“It’s smaller without the people, isn’t it?”, he observed, looking around.
Yutaka had switched on the lights overhead, that remained turned off during the live. The spotlights stayed dark, though.
Yutaka climbed onto the stage and looked down onto the audience room.
“You’d expect it to be the other way around, wouldn’t you?”, Shou carried on, not sure if he really expected an answer from Yutaka at all. “That it seems larger when it’s empty. But it’s smaller somehow.”
“It is”, Yutaka confirmed. “Though I think it feels the largest when there are only about five people in the audience. It makes the empty space seem worse for some reason.”
Shou laughed.
He remembered their first gigs at clubs and how deserted the floor had seemed with only a few people listening. Now he could laugh at the memory, but back then, the sight had troubled him immensely.
“Seeing only the cameramen now gives me flashbacks”, Yutaka went on. He didn’t seem quite sure if he was really talking to Shou either. It felt nice, though. It was nice to be allowed to just think out loud with someone.
“For me it’s different”, Shou said and took the stairs up to the stage as well. “I keep imagining everyone at home in front of their screens.”
“You’ve always been more imaginative than me”, Yutaka said. Both of them were looking out onto the empty room. “I can only see what’s right in front of my eyes.”
Shou turned to look at Yutaka.
“Sometimes that’s enough”, he said quietly.
He wished Yutaka could see what was right in front of him right now as well. That he would realize that he didn’t have to rush out to a Christmas date to maybe find love, but that Shou was right here with him and that he might just be enough. Shou had been his friend for so long, and after all those years, he finally felt ready to love him, too. Maybe he wasn’t a fantasy, but he was right here.
Yutaka stretched his arms in front of himself like he sometimes did to loosen the tension from his shoulders after a live. Shou thought that it was nice, that he knew those little habits and understood what they meant.
Yutaka sat down on the pedestal at the centre of the stage. Shou couldn’t help thinking that he indeed looked very handsome tonight. He averted his eyes. When he stared at Yutaka for too long, he wanted to kiss him. Since they had started kissing each other, it had become a lot harder not to think of it constantly in his presence.
“I wish there was something to do to keep us busy”, Shou observed.
He had meant it to come out sharply to remind Yutaka that his company alone was not enough to entertain Shou and that in no way he had romantic feelings for him nor cared with whom he went out for Christmas.
“Yeah, there is only you and me here”, Yutaka said. He dragged out the words in a manner, that was clearly suggestive. “I wonder what kind of activities that leaves us with.”
Shou looked at Yutaka slightly astonished.
Did he really have the nerves to suggest getting physical with Shou, while planning to go on a date with someone else within the same hour? At first, Shou wanted to react offended, but he couldn’t help feeling a little gleeful at the thought as well. He pictured Yutaka sitting at that fancy restaurant with Mariko, his lips still slightly swollen from kissing Shou. It would be something that she couldn’t take away from him, a mark to ensure that Yutaka still thought of Shou even if it was on a date with someone else.
And Shou thought, that just maybe, they wouldn’t be let out of the venue for another hour. That Yutaka had been right and this was the plot of a romantic movie. Maybe being locked in with Shou was the Christmas miracle that was supposed to show Yutaka whom he really wanted to spend Christmas with. This might be Shou’s chance to make Yutaka see what was right in front of him.
“I would have a suggestion”, he announced and walked towards Yutaka.
Yutaka shuffled back on the pedestal, allowing Shou to put his knees on its surface to straddle Yutaka’s lap. He made sure not to put his full weight on Yutaka, though. Yutaka had to look up to him this way.
“Have you ever fantasized about making out on stage?”, Yutaka asked cheekily.
Shou snorted and shook his head. He reached up to push a lock of hair from Yutaka’s forehead.
“Of course not, pervert”, he said.
“It’s hot somehow”, Yutaka said and grinned up to him. “Just picture everyone watching us.”
Shou’s stomach took a small leap and he wasn’t sure, if it was because of Yutaka’s words or because of how low and hoarse his voice sounded right now.
He put his hand on the small of Shou’s back, pulling him closer.
Shou lowered his head, finally allowing their lips to meet. Yutaka returned the kiss immediately. His lips were warm and soft. Shou was crazy about kissing him.
He assumed that it was just part of his personality. Shou was the kind of person, who listened to the same song for days straight after discovering it. If he found a dish he liked, he ate it at least four times a week until he was absolutely sick of it. It always took him some time to find a healthy measure to enjoy the things he liked. Currently, he was obsessed with Yutaka’s lips. His desire for them would surely sink to a reasonable level over time, but right now, Shou just wanted to kiss him for hours every time they met, like a song stuck on repeat.
Yutaka’s hands slid down his body now, both of them coming to rest on Shou’s butt. He squeezed him playfully and Shou sighed into their kiss. His lips were starting to tingle like your hands in winter when you finally entered a warm room. They felt numb and very alive both at once.
His hands were resting on Yutaka’s shoulders. He could sense the heat of his body against his palms.
It seemed surreal that they were actually kissing this greedily with Yutaka about to head out to another date. It was as if neither of them had any sense of shame. Shou enjoyed the sensation too much to seriously bother right now, though.
He slid his hands down a bit further, so his palms were resting against Yutaka’s chest. His thumb was brushing against Yutaka’s neck right above the collar of his shirt and the sensation sent a warm shudder down Shou’s spine. Even the slightest touch with Yutaka’s skin made him feel electricized.
He wished he could just take off Yutaka’s shirt completely. He wanted to tumble down on top of him, their naked bodies pressed against each other. Yutaka’s hands were still on his butt.
For a brief moment, Shou wondered, if Yutaka would cancel his date, if Shou offered him to go all the way tonight. But then, he’d feel miserable, asking Yutaka to fuck him only to not loose against Mariko. It wasn’t that he didn’t desire Yutaka. But he didn’t want to rush things just to take part in a competition he couldn’t win anyway. If Yutaka had wanted to be with him tonight, he wouldn’t have set up another date.
Still, Shou couldn’t keep himself from hoping anyway.
He kissed his way from the corner of Yutaka’s mouth across his cheek until he reached his ear.
“We could continue this at my place”, he whispered. “They probably won’t let us out in time anyway. Let’s go home right away. Skip the date.”
He managed to keep his voice from sounding like he was begging, although he was. Luckily, he sounded hoarse enough to cover the despair in his tone. He was scared to death that Yutaka would decline.
“It’s bothering you”, Yutaka observed, his voice irritatingly clear.
Shou had hoped that in the worst case, Yutaka would brush off the suggestion with a quiet laugh and pretend that Shou had been joking. But instead, Yutaka reached up to push Shou away from himself to meet his eyes.
“The date”, he clarified.
Shou looked away, but sitting on Yutaka’s lap, there wasn’t much else to look at but his face.
“A little”, he admitted. “But it’s fine.”
“If it’s bothering you, I’ll cancel the reservation”, Yutaka offered.
Shou looked up in surprise. He hadn’t expected Yutaka to take it this far.
“Really?”, he assured in disbelieve.
Yutaka shrugged. He didn’t look exactly happy.
“You are my friend, Shou”, he said seriously. “And even more importantly, you are my bandmate. I don’t want to risk what we have. So, most of all, I want you to be comfortable.”
Shou bit his lip. It did feel sore. He had kissed Yutaka for several minutes without interruption.
He wanted to be happy, that Yutaka was willing to put Shou’s wellbeing above anything else. But it only made him feel guilty. Yutaka was scared of breaking up the band. Shou didn’t want to feel like he was blackmailing Yutaka – dating Mariko or his career.
“It’s alright”, he said weakly.
“Are you sure?”, Yutaka wanted to know.
Shou nodded seriously, although it was almost killing him. He wanted Yutaka to be happy. Even if that meant spending Christmas on his own, and every other day to come.
“Okay”, Yutaka said quietly and leaned in to kiss Shou again.
Shou turned his head to avoid his lips.
“I think it’s better if we stop here”, he said flatly and awkwardly climbed off Yutaka’s lap.
He wanted to keep kissing him, he wanted to do so badly. But if Yutaka really liked Mariko, he should give it an honest try with her. If Shou was already giving up on him, Yutaka should be serious about this. He shouldn’t kiss Shou behind her back.
Shou walked up and down the stage to calm himself. He always started pacing when he was stressed.
Yutaka had gotten up as well as if he considered going after Shou, but then he just remained standing in place. He did seem awkward, as if he couldn’t remember why he had gotten up in the first place.
For a moment, both of them were silent.
“Did I ruin it?”, Yutaka finally asked. “This thing between us?”
Shou looked up. They were standing apart now, but he could hear how sad Yutaka sounded.
“I don’t know”, Shou said and lowered his gaze again.
He had assumed that Yutaka was the one, who wanted to break it off. When he was seeing other people – seriously seeing them, for weeks and taking them on Christmas dates – then there wasn’t much of a thing to ruin in the first place.
“Shou”, Yutaka said. He sounded pleading. “I don’t know what to do, when you close down on me like that. You need to talk to me, so I can do the right thing. Please, just tell me how you feel.”
Shou licked his lips. They still felt weird, as if they weren’t really part of his body. It felt as if they belonged to Yutaka as much as to himself.
“Okay, so”, he started. Yutaka was right. Shou couldn’t expect him to guess at his feelings. He had to be honest, even if he didn’t like it. “I didn’t think we were dating.”
“I figured”, Yutaka confirmed dryly.
Shou shook his head, annoyed that Yutaka had interrupted him, although it was him, who had paused midsentence.
“I just want to clarify, that I understand that”, Shou picked up again. “I know I have no right to be mad at you, since we didn’t agree on anything. I knew from the beginning, that someone like me wouldn’t be able to hold someone like you. But I think we got along well and I thought, I don’t know, I thought you respected me.”
He paused again.
“You lost me”, Yutaka said. “Of course, I respect you.”
“I’m just saying that it hurts to know you’ve been seeing someone else this whole time we’ve been together. It’s not like I was expecting us to go on a Christmas date or anything. But I think kissing me to kill time while we are waiting for someone to unlock the door and then going off on a date with someone else is not fair to me nor to your date.”
Shou inhaled deeply, glad that the words were out now. He felt like he hadn’t done so badly. Of course, he had secretly hoped for a Christmas date, but Yutaka didn’t need to know that. Shou thought he had brought across his point, though, making it sound like it was more about the general immaturity of Yutaka’s behaviour than about his hurt feelings.
Yutaka stared at him blankly.
“Wait”, he said. “Hold on.”
Shou waited. Yutaka seemed to need a moment to sort out his thoughts.
“So, you are mad at me for two-timing?”, he then assured.
Shou crossed the arms in front of his chest defensively.
“Well, I don’t know what you’ve told the other person, but if you’re seriously dating them, you’ve technically been cheating”, he pointed out.
Yutaka took a step towards him. He was trying to hide a smirk, but he did so poorly. Shou could tell that he was enjoying himself. He seemed to be happy that Shou was so openly jealous now, even if he tried to act outraged on Mariko’s behalf. Yutaka being this smug pissed Shou off even more. He seemingly cared for neither of them. Mariko and Shou both deserved better.
“Oh yes, the dating has been quite serious”, Yutaka confirmed. He sounded mocking, although Shou didn’t understand what was supposed to be funny about that. “In fact, I would already call it a relationship. So, yeah, I have a boyfriend. And I was meaning to take him out on a Christmas date tonight after our show.”
“A boyfriend”, Shou repeated numbly.
Somehow, that was worse than a girlfriend. A cute girl with whom you could be seen in public was something Shou could get behind. But another man made the rejection even more painful. It made Shou wonder, why he wasn’t good enough to take his place.
“Yeah”, Yutaka said and took another step towards Shou. He was pretty close again by now. Another step and he would be close enough for kissing again. But even Yutaka wouldn’t have that kind of nerve after what he had just told Shou. “I’m pretty crazy about him. Although, honestly, sometimes I think he is the dumbest person alive.”
“What?”, Shou asked.
Somehow, that was not what he had expected. Yutaka wouldn’t talk that badly about his boyfriend, would he? He usually only took that teasingly insulting tone with Shou.
“God, you are so slow”, Yutaka said. He sounded affectionate. Shou felt like he was missing out on something important right now.
Yutaka took another step forward and reached up to touch Shou’s cheek. Shou wanted to back off, but he felt so confused, he just stood frozen in place.
“This whole time, I was talking about …”
“Kiriyuuin Shou? Kyan Yutaka? Are you in here?”, someone shouted.
Shou took a step backwards instinctively. He didn’t want to get caught with Yutaka in a suggestive position like this. They didn’t need rumours to spread.
“We’re here”, he called out and a man stepped into the live room. Shou had seen him around earlier, although he didn’t belong to their staff as far as he recalled. Probably the owner of the venue coming to rescue them.
“Sorry for locking you in”, the man said. “The door is open now.”
He turned around again, making it more than obvious that he had no intention of waiting for them much longer. They had called him back on his way home already after all.
Yutaka turned to go after him.
Shou remained standing on stage. His brain was still trying to puzzle together the missing pieces of information. What had Yutaka been talking about? What had he wanted to tell Shou?
Yutaka looked over his shoulder to check on him.
When he found him still standing in place, he rolled his eyes and walked back towards him.
“Come on now, hurry. Don’t just stand there!”
Without warning he took hold of Shou’s hand to drag him along. Shou started walking and only when it became clear that Yutaka had no intention of letting go of his hand, did he realize that they wouldn’t have needed a Christmas miracle after all.
“The two of us have a dinner reservation to catch, dumbass.”
