Monster Verse: Itachi/Chouichi where Kisame met them, decided he liked them and joined Konoha only to learn about the Monsters and Chouichi delighting in scaring Kisame to death while Itachi facepalms in the background and everyone is happy and Kisame plays best man for both Itachi and Chouichi at their wedding and cries more then everyone else while Chouza or Chouji awkwardly pats him on the back. Just, anything happy endly after after that tear jerker, gimme married Chouichi/Itachi!
Fighting an Uchiha wasn’t that hard.
Kisame was surprised. He’d figured, what with all the legends, that this particular bounty would be the hardest he and Samehada had ever tried for. He’d figured what the hell if he had to go out, he might as well go out going after the very best.
So cornering Itachi -freaking- Uchiha, well.
“This is disappointing.” Kisame said, readying to swing his sword. “I don’t know who fought you before, but they must have been pathetic.”
Itachi said nothing. Kisame swung-
and Samehada was caught.
Itachi Uchiha smiled and so did the thing holding Samehada’s metal-slicing spines at bay with its bare hands.
“Sucker,” It said, and then all Kisame knew was darkness.
—
The second time Kisame faced off against Itachi Uchiha the Thing was nowhere in sight. Instead the man was travelling with another leaf ninja, a big fat guy with lots of red hair. Kisame searched his bingo book just in case but he couldn’t find an entry.
Fodder, then.
Fodder pinned Kisame to a tree and when he grinned it was very familiar. Though Samehada had ripped his outer layers to pieces, there was no blood, not even a scratch.
Itachi, leaning on a rock on the other side of the clearing, said, “He’d probably give you indigestion.”
“Yeah but I love it when they fight.”
Kisame bore teeth and Fodder bore teeth back. They were bigger and they were sharper.
They were the Thing teeth.
Kisame blinked and Fodder said, smile growing wider than possible for a human, “You up for round two, fishstick?”
—
The Thing was named Akimichi Chouichi, and he was Itachi’s bodyguard.
“At least that’s what we tell people at inns.” Chouichi said.
Samehada was quivering and Kisame didn’t like it but so was he. Itachi assured him that was a natural, human reaction.
“I’m not human,” Kisame said immediately, and Chouichi snorted.
“You can lie to your friends and I’ll lie to mine.” He said.
They had come seeking Kisame, hoped that word of Itachi would draw him out. They had a certain task to accomplish, and a chakra-sucking sword would help that immensely.
“There’s monetary compensation in it for you, of course.” Itachi said. “Per the orders of our Hokage.”
Kisame thought of Zabuza, feeding on the bottom.
“When we’re done I’m killing you both.” He said.
Chouichi smiled his too-wide smile. “Not if I eat you first, sweetheart.” He said.
—
They were a pretty good team.
Itachi could immobilize, entrap and eliminate. Chouichi could get into anywhere and once he was there destroying anything in front of him- flesh or stone- was child’s play.
(there was also the ice, which Chouichi assured Kisame wasn’t actually something ‘anyone else in my family’ could do; a hangover from a marriage years ago.)
Kisame slotted neatly between, able to bridge the gap between Itachi’s subtleties and Chouichi’s charging force.
Samehada began to get used to the two leaf ninja, in its own way. Kisame wasn’t sure what to think when he woke one morning to find the sword sitting beside Chouichi at the fire. Chouichi was stroking its spines like a cat.
They obtained the item the Hokage had wanted and Kisame got his money.
“Do we fight now?” Chouichi asked, just a bit too hopeful.
“Later.” Itachi said and they turned and left Kisame alone in the soft misty morning.
—
Getting into Konoha was a bitch and a half, but it helped that officially Kisame was no longer a citizen of Kiri. Still he got a few side-eyes when he offered his papers to the chunin at the gate.
He was in the village for all of ten minutes when Itachi found him, eyes winking merrily from red to black and back to red.
“I think I win,” he said, linking arms with Kisame. “Chouichi had you out for another week.”
“I live to disappoint.” Kisame deadpanned. On his back, Samehada shook with amusement.
—
There were others like Chouichi, and they were all as terrifying.
To make matters worse (better?) there were others who weren’t at all like Chouichi, but definitely weren’t human either.
One of these, named Shikaku, looked Kisame up and down.
“Can we keep him?” Chouichi asked.
Shikaku snorted and Kisame smelled blood on his breath.
“If I can convince the Hokage of this I deserve to sleep for a hundred years.” He said.
“Your wife will never let you.” Itachi said.
“More’s the goddamn pity.” Shikaku muttered.
—
Itachi was going to be the next Head of the Uchiha, and Chouichi fully planned on marrying him.
“Which leaves Sasuke to carry on the family name.” Itachi said. “What about you?”
Kisame shook his head.
“We aren’t all meant for marriage.” Itachi acknowledged. He looked down at the passing caravan. “There’s our mark. You ready?”
Kisame’s grin would never be as wide as Chouichi’s but it was a close second.
“Of course you are.”
—
“One of them has to yield.” Chouji said to Itachi.
“They’ll both die first.” Itachi told him.
Eventually Chouichi was the victor because even without all the chakra that Samehada had sucked up he was still heavier than Kisame and he could still pin the other ninja for a ten-count.
“Now I get to eat you!” Chouichi said, and promptly passed out.
—
“He’ll be okay.” Chouichi said to himself as they ran. “He will be.”
“He will be.” Kisame assured him. “Now let’s rip some limbs off.”
Chouichi’s grin was half snarl and Kisame could see his horns in the half-light of the moon. “Yes. Let’s.”
They left a bloody trail behind them and when Itachi emerged victorious Chouichi hung on to him for a solid minute before he would even consider letting the Uchiha go debrief.
—
It was a beautiful day for a wedding.
Kisame had never been a best man. He’d never been a best man TWICE but here he was in a kimono that cost more than he wanted to think about. The leaf symbol on his hitai-ate seemed lighter than normal.
It was a good thing that the Akimichi had tissues handy. Kisame and Samehada both were a damn mess.
“What a beautiful ceremony,” one of the attendees said- the pretty girl with the deadly fuinjutsu, wearing red now instead of pink. “Can I look at your sword later?”
Kisame stared at her.
“That was both literal and a euphemism.” She said. “If you want.”
Kisame chuckled.
“I’ll seriously consider it.” He said. “But for now I need to go make sure Sasuke catches the bouquet.”
“Can I help?” The girl asked. “I’m good with wires.”
“Help would be appreciated.”
“Sweet.”