#itachixchouichi

[greenekangaroo]

Chouichi is dying in quiet lust in the gym!au because now Itachi is only wearing spandex and yoga wear to the gym. It's just to much. Chouichi is overcome.

When Chouichi left the gym, Chouji had parked by the curb. His brother threw his bag in the back seat, got in the front, and said hoarse as sandpaper, “Drive.” 

Chouji did. Once they were a couple blocks away he flipped open his center console and silently handed his brother a ziploc bag. It was filled with colored candy. Skittles and m&ms, to be precise, mixed together. 

“You haven’t called a code skittleem in almost seven years,” Chouji told Chouichi as they headed for the winding roads that would take them the long way home. 

Chouichi didn’t say anything- he just shoved a handful of the fruit and chocolate monstrosity into his mouth. 

“It was Itachi, wasn’t it?” Chouji asked kindly. 

Chouichi didn’t quite choke but there were a couple tense moments as he hacked, swallowed and glared at his brother. 

“How bad?” Chouji asked. 

Chouichi stared out the window. 

“That bad?” 

“He’s replaced all his yoga pants. All of them.” 

“Okay?” Chouji asked. 

“With. spandex.”

“Oh shit.” Chouji made a wide turn. “Sooo..?” 

“Popped it like I was thirteen,” Chouichi said through clenched teeth. “didn’t go away until I was in the fucking parking lot.”

Chouji hissed in sympathy. “Did you get out before-” he started, but Chouichi shook his head. “I don’t know,” he told his little brother. 

Chouji took a deep breath. “We’re gonna need more candy.” 

“Fuck the candy,” Chouichi said as he grabbed another handful, “Swing by the liquor store. I’m never going back there again.” 

“Chouichi it’s the only gym in the limits that has enough weights for you.” 

“I will kill myself with Grandma Kasami’s best heirloom teaspoon before I go back in there.” 

“Then who’s gonna spot Kisame?”

“Let him die.” 

Chouji sighed. Liquor store it was. 

[greenekangaroo]

Chouichi is doing construction work and Itachi just cannot deal. So much muscliness.

Outtakes from What Even

Itachi was watching the demo very closely. 

Unusually closely, considering how careful he had been thusfar with his eyes and the direction they were pointed. 

Kisame gave his partner a once-over before following the line of Itachi’s rapt attention to a building that was being prepared to meet its maker. Once it had been a four-person dwelling with an attached workshop. No doubt Itachi could tell Kisame who had lived there, what they had named their children, what jobs they held in the village proper. 

Itachi remembered all of those things, locked in the depths of his bloodred eyes. 

At the moment the ghosts of the house didn’t matter. What did was the man who was preparing to tear them down. 

“Got it, Chouichi?” One of the other massive Akimichi asked. 

Chouichi nodded, taking his hands off the western corner of the building. Kisame could see a thin line of ice climbing from the foundation to the rooftop and across, consuming all the weightbearing pillars of the house. Ice release? 

Hm. 

Well then, this had to be..

Chouichi looked around. “Get clear!” he roared and immediately Akimichi were moving off, giving the house a wide berth. 

Chouichi reeled back and punched the corner. 

The entire house crumbled in on itself like a collapsing cake, the beams he had frozen shattering under the stress of the blow and taking everything with them. A great cloud of dust billowed out and when it had settled Chouichi tapped his shoulders to be rid of the worst of it and pulled the cloth mask he’d had on off. 

“How’s it look, Maruten?” he called.

“Like a fuckin’ mess, so, perfect!” 

“Great. What’s next?” 

Itachi made a noise. 

Kisame looked at him and grinned broadly.

Oh yes.

Definitely that Chouichi. 

[greenekangaroo]

Gym au where Hana absolutely convinces Itachi to switch his sweatpants for spandex and Chouichi is Overcome.

“Chouichi left class early.” 

“Did he?” Hana asked, swinging her gym bag onto the empty chair beside her as Itachi sat down across from her. “That seems unlike him.” 

“I thought so,” Itachi said thoughtfully. “He seems to have gotten a phone call.” 

There was a long and pregnant pause. 

“Hana?”

“Yes?” 

“You’re grinning.”

“am I?” Hana felt her face. “Why I am.” 

“Hana.”

“Yes, Itachi?”

“Chouichi sets up behind me in class. Ostensibly so his ‘huge and walruslike presence’ won’t block other students from seeing the instructor.” 

“Yeah he told me that once. Moron. He’s so self depricating-”

“Hana I wore the new pants today.”

“Oh did you? I know you hate spandex-how did they work out?”

“Excellently. I found a pair that didn’t set me off. You had a good point about flexibility. I suppose what they do for my ass helped.”

“Oh it helped.” 

“Hana did you suggest new yoga pants to me to torment Chouichi?”

“I might have. It clearly worked.”

“Mmm.”

“Why, Itachi. What is that wayward lustful gleam in your eyes?” 

Itachi pulled out his phone. 

“Shut up and order us yogurt I have some shopping to do.” 

[greenekangaroo]

he needs to stop

So I got to hang with @disembodied-doll this weekend and I got an idea..

---

“He needs to stop.” 

“Who needs to stop what?” Hana asked. Itachi gave her his most level flat look, which seemed entirely neutral to someone who hadn’t known Itachi Uchiha has long as Hana Inuzuka had. 

Hana grinned and recapped her water bottle. “If you can’t handle the heat, Itachi.” 

“Stop it with your terrible old colloquialisms I am having a crisis.” Itachi said calmly. “Look at the weight area. Look at it.” 

Hana glanced over her shoulder. The weight area was sparsely populated at the moment. There were only two people there. The first, Kisame Hoshigaki, was acting as spotter for the second, Chouichi Akimichi, who was benchpressing. 

Hana took a moment to watch the ripple of muscle in Chouichi’s arms as he worked and let Itachi silently and subtly fume. Kisame was nice to look at, with a classic swimmer’s body-long arms, broad shoulders, and a trim waist. Chouichi was the embodiment of the tasteless yet accurate phrase ‘built like a brick shit house’. 

Hana had watched Chouichi rip a wall down barehanded at a charity house demo once because some dumb bastard bet he couldn’t do it. That’d won them a bottle of stoli and Itachi hadn’t been able to sit quite right for the rest of the evening. 

Itachi’s soft strangled noise brought her gaze back to him just as Kisame added more weight to the bench. 

“Four fifty?” She asked Itachi conversationally. 

“Four seventy five,” Itachi said with an odd squeak. “My god I want him to break me in half Hana save me.” 

“There is no help for you,” she said to him. 

“Then put me out of my misery.” 

“And miss this show?” She flicked her sweatrag at him. “Never. I’m gonna go grab an elliptical before the Ladies That Brunch get here. Try not to expire from the vapors.” 

Itachi told her to do something very rude with one of her three dogs and Hana threw back her head and laughed. 

[greenekangaroo]

Itachi has his own paper bag to breathe into because good lord that back tattoo should not be so distracting.

(Note: Does not take place in the same ‘verse as the piercing short) 

Somehow, it had never come up. 

How had it never come up?!

Well of course it hadn’t between Sasuke showing up with Itachi and Kisame on his heels and Jiraiya’s intel from the Land of Rain there had barely been time to find beds and get the Destroyer of the Uchiha clan a temporary pardon. There was absolutely no reason Itachi’s former teammate would think to mention he’d gotten any irezumi done. 

God it was beautiful. 

Itachi let his fingers curl into fists as he moved his blessedly cursed eyes over every inch, committing it to memory. There were peonies- white, shaded gently yellow and pink- drifting across large dark spirals which could be storm clouds or waves. 

Itachi leaned towards storm clouds. 

Twining sensuously between the flowers in their tempest was a gray and white mottled dragon, its tail beginning beneath the towel around Chouichi’s hips and its head curling back into a roar just under the base of his neck. Kurokami, god of rain and snow, bringer of hail and painter of breath. 

It was clear from the depth of the ink that it had all been done by hand. It must have taken years. 

“Whirligig?” Chouichi looked over his shoulder. “You okay?” 

“I’m fine,” Itachi said. It was a lie worthy of an S-class mission and Kisame clearly knew it, snorting as he walked by the other man. 

“Kurokami?” He asked. “Now there’s a patron.” 

Chouichi’s shrug made the dragon dance. “He’s been good to me.” 

“That’s all that matters. My respects to your artist.” 

“She’ll appreciate it,” Chouichi assured him. “Itachi come on it’s gonna take me half an hour to wash my damn hair.” 

“Could just cut it all off.” 

“Bite your tongue, Fishstick.” 

“Look-”

The two ninja argued good-naturedly and headed for the pools, leaving Itachi to sit on the bench in the dressing room for a moment. 

As Chouichi had turned, the light and new angle had allowed Itachi to see words hidden in the dragon’s teeth- a poem.

I caused this snowfall. 

A few flakes may have scattered, 

no doubt,

out there where you are. 

Itachi folded his hands and not for the first time called himself ten kinds of genuine idiot. 

When he had collected himself, he headed for the pools. His list of regrets couldn’t seem to stop growing, so he added to his list of promises. 

He would touch every inch of that tattoo, and he would rub those words away. 

Somehow. 

(Irezumi, or the art of Japanese tattooing that became popular during the Edo period, is all hand-applied with specialized tools and takes many hours-Chouichi would have visited his artist as often as once a week over a period of five years to get his piece done. The poem is a slight alteration of one written by Lady Fujiwara, who was a wife of Emperor Tenmu, the fortieth emperor of Japan. Dude had so many wives. And some of them were nieces. It’s a trip.) 

[greenekangaroo]

Itachi is growing his hair long and Chouichi just. Cannot. Deal. Too much cuteness.

“It’s longer.”

“Chouichi you’re imagining things.”

“Hana it’s longer. He’s growing it long why would he do this to me.” 

Hana rolled her eyes and went back to wrestling with one of the triplets. “I don’t know why it matters so much.” 

“It just, it just DOES.” Chouichi insisted. “It’s not like he has to grow his hair long! That’s not an Uchiha thing.” 

“It was for the Founder,” Hana pointed out.

“Oh yeah the one who lost his marbles and fought the First Hokage great choice for example, Inuzuka.” 

“Maybe Itachi likes his hair long, Chou,” Hana said as she pinned her puppy and playgrowled at her. “Ever think of that?” 

“He can’t.” Chouichi said. 

“Of course he can you idiot you can’t tell him what he can and can’t do.” 

“He cannot grow his hair out, Hana. I will not survive.” 

Hana let her pup gnaw on her finger for a moment as she grinned at Chouichi. “You like it.” 

Chouichi coughed, face flushing just a little red. “Shut up.” 

“Long hair’s important on an Akimichi, isn’t it?” Hana continued. She let her pup up and the animal joined her siblings, gathering around their master’s feet as she advanced on Chouichi. “Integral to the bullet tank. Symbolic. Mom says she doesn’t think your father’s ever cut his hair.” 

“Hana shut up,” Chouichi hissed. The air went a little cool. Hana stopped her advance but continued to grin. “You like his haaaiir, you want to bruuusssh it, you want to tiiieee it,” she sing-songed. 

“HANA!” 

“You want to kiiissss it-” 

Itachi showed up to morning training to find all three of the triplets hanging off of Chouichi’s shoulders as he tried his best to throttle a cackling Inuzuka Hana. He huffed, pushed his bangs out of his face- damn it no one had said how annoying growing them out was going to be- and said, “What the hell?” 

“NOTHING!” Both teammates said at once. 

Itachi rolled his eyes. “Okay. Whatever.” 

“You want to ruubbbb it,” Hana whispered. Chouichi stepped on her foot. 

[greenekangaroo]

Itachi finally grows his hair out past his butt and Chouichi is all O.O So much thirst.

Chouichi doesn’t touch it until Itachi says he can and Itachi doesn’t so much say he can as he grabs one of Chouichi’s hands, so much larger than his own, and wraps it around a fistful of his silky black hair before he gets back to the very important business of shoving his tongue down Chouichi’s throat. 

Itachi gives it his all, of course. That’s what geniuses do. 

Later Chouichi finds he can’t stop touching Itachi’s hair and he hates himself a little bit, tries to keep his hands to himself. It never works. They drift back like moons stuck in orbit to twine the strands, braid them, rub them between thumb and forefinger. Itachi’s hair is less textured than Chouichi’s, waterfall straight. No curling iron could do the job. 

Itachi catches one of Chouichi’s hands, grins at him with eyes that shine red in the halflight of his bedroom. “Do you like it?” 

Chouichi is certain his swallow is audible for a halfmile stretch. 

Itachi crawls forward and his grin turns predatory. “It was Hana’s idea,” he murmurs, and pounces. 

Chouichi makes a note at the very back of his mind to kill their teammate. Right after he cooks her a five course gourmet meal. 

[greenekangaroo]

Things I didn't know I needed: Itachi and Choichi are at the same swimming pool because it's way to hot out and Itachi is trying not to stare because he Did not Know that Choichi had gotten all those tattoos and damn. Daaaaamn.

Itachi was unashamedly ogling the dancing Oni on the broad back it was tattooed on when Eye Candy’s hair, which had until that moment been pulled forward, was flipped back. 

The presence of the thick red ponytail brought with it a shock of recognition so sharp Itachi nearly pitched out of his lounge chair. 

“Bro?” Sasuke asked as he reapplied sunscreen. “you okaY?” 

“I’m fine,” Itachi assured his sibling. 

That was a bold faced lie but Sasuke shrugged and headed back to the deep end where Naruto was trying unsuccessfully to drown Kiba. Itachi pushed his sunglasses up and refocused his attention. 

Yes. Shit, yes that was Chouichi Akimichi. He’d been in Itachi’s class in high school, the terror of the wrestling team. Now that he wasn’t completely distracted Itachi thought he could even recognize the board shorts the other man had on- plain, blue, and boring. Hana had made fun of him for a solid forty five minutes during their senior trip. 

Chouichi had been only a little smaller then but he definitely hadn’t been so heavily tattooed. Or tattooed at all. 

When had that happened? 

WHERE had it happened? 

And why- 

Itachi’s string of Ws was broken quite neatly by Chouichi stretching his arms above his head, which let Itachi see how the dragon’s head began on one bicep and its body curled across his shoulders to the other. 

Itachi swallowed hard and went digging in the cooler. 

He could blame the flush on sunburn.