Being known as gitae’s woman is more of a curse then you had initially thought. It’s not that you weren’t allowed to do anything, not at all. It was that he simply didn’t care. It was a relationship that was built to fizz out. There was no common ground. No clear communication. No trust. No value at all. He treats you as if you’re stupid. As if you don’t know what you’re talking about half of the time. Ofcourse, every relationship has fights. Every relationship has arguments. But sometimes, sometimes he does things that makes it feel as if its okay. Sometimes he leaves for the whole night. Making you worry to the point you can’t even sleep. Only watch outside the window at the many lights in the street. Looking at the many cars that pass by and wondering which one he would pop out of. And some days he gifts you lavish present. Even when he doesn’t say ‘I love you.’ He wraps his arms around you and holds you close. Even if he has said so many things to you to the point you can’t even recall the worst of it. It was intoxicating. And it was…real. It felt real. Even if things were bad…there was always a good side isn’t there? Even if he doesn’t say that he loves you, those gifts. Those moments…those things. They do matter right? That is love. Love is tough. Love is sadness. Love can hurt. But that’s just one side of the love that there is.
And then you found out about the others. It’s not like you hadn’t expected it. Somewhere you knew he’d do something like that. Break your heart like he always does. Hurt you like he has many times before. But there was something, something you couldn’t forgive. You cried, begged, pleaded. Yet he didn’t spare you a second glance. Everyone knew. Everyone saw. But all they could do was pity you. And perhaps that’s all you could’ve done for yourself too. You weren’t allowed to look at any man who wasn’t Gitae, nor would he allow anyone else to ever lay their eyes upon you. They would never even have the chance to before being brutally slaughtered by his axe. But not you, no. Even if you were just one of many, your role was to stay in your lane. The girls never bothered you though, they kept their heads down. They didn’t talk to you, but you didn’t speak to them either. Perhaps all of you felt the silent grudge against one another, or perhaps it was all in your head? You’re not even sure at this point. Gitae loved you didn’t he? Otherwise he wouldn’t have done so much for you…right? Otherwise he wouldn’t have bought you a new handbag. Otherwise he wouldn’t be so possessive over you?…right? Didn’t any of this mean something to him? You forgave him the first few times…yes you didn’t tell him outright…but…silently telling yourself in your head it was all okay. That he came from a background you were so sure that was horrible. That it’s just the hurt he was feeling. That he’s not like this out of spite. Out of hatred. Or out of any intention to hurt you. It was because he is broken. It’s because he didn’t have the right upbringing. It was probably because many had failed him..yes. Yes that’s it. Gitae wouldn’t hurt you. Gitae wouldn’t do that. He may be like that others. But not with you! He may be broken…but being broken means that you have a chance to rebuild yourself. To fix yourself. But some people can’t do that on their own, some people need someone else to help them! Right?….
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It’s boring.
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It’s tiring.
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How much longer are you going to take? How much longer can you make excuses for him? How many more women will it take to open your eyes? How much more doubt will creep into your heart before you see. Hear. Smell. Or even feel that what you knew wasn’t what was in front of you . Was Gitae ever the man who loved you? Or were you the women who loved him so much you thought you could love him for the both of you in the relationship? There are no answers unless you ask. But you have talked to him so many times. Talking. Yelling. Crying, pleading, begging, it’s getting really old. It’s getting oh so frustrating. Your love isn’t endless. Love. Isn’t endless. Or is it? You don’t know. All you know is that your heart doesn’t flutter the way it used to with him. Somewhere in just the tiniest crack, you could feel something. Maybe it was resentment. Or maybe it was sadness. Perhaps even both. You had forgiven him many times. So many times you didn’t even bother to think about it. So many times you didn’t even let it bother you. It was the same story on a loop. The same thing you have seen and felt all over again. It was only logical that you started feeling this way. It felt…different this time. So much more different. And you weren’t even sure if you wanted to know what that meant.
And just like that you were in the same cycle. You standing in Gitae’s room. Wearing a silk robe, a sleep mask resting in your slightly disheveled hair. Your frame leaning against the door. Eyes set on Gitae and around 7 brand new faces. Or not. You don’t recall. Nor do you care to know. Gitae hadn’t sensed your presence, only looking up when you knocked onto the already swung open door. The only response you really got was a grumble and him sitting up. For just a moment, there was a weird sense of quietness. The girls looking at you mixed reactions. Some guilty, some suspicious, and some simply kept their eyes closed for whatever reason. But you didn’t mind that, your eyes were just on Gitae. No tears. No sadness. No anger. Just a bit of irritation that seemed too mild for the current situation. Gitae’s eyes flashed a hint of confusion. By now, you should’ve been crying and begging. Perhaps even misplacing your anger at at one of the women. But that didn’t happen.
‘You’re being noisy. It’s interrupting my sleep. Please proceed but mind your voice.’
Your…rather…formal tone and choice of words stunned Gitae. His eyes wider than usual. This isn’t how the script went…at least…how it was supposed to be. Even if it wasn’t that evident in his expression, you were pretty aware he might’ve reacted that way. But oh well, ships have sailed. You didn’t stay for something that might’ve happened and instead returned to your room, slipping your sleep mask on and you weren’t disturbed, you’re not sure why. But that night you had slept surprisingly well in months or even years.
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Gitae didn’t have to be your whole word. Even though it has felt like that most of your life. Yes, it’s still pretty sheltered. But, him not paying attention to you anymore, or well, less attention, also has it’s quirks. He has a lot of…unresolved businesses you probably don’t know about and you’d prefer to keep it that way. Occasionally, when you did sleep in the same bed as gitae, you could see a caller’s ID. James. A name you had heard from Gitae’s lips a few times. You’re not sure who that is, or if he knows of your existence. After all, he’s probably business related and has no desire or interest to probably know you. And frankly, do you have a reason to even know about him? Why are you even curious about it? You didn’t really know the answer to that question for sure. Your eyes darting to Gitae who was asleep besides you. Are these moments you should treasure?…probably not. They’re not special when someone else has the same. Is it?
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‘Didn’t you want this designer bag?’
You cocked your head. Staring at the designer bag on the floor with mild intrigue. It was indeed expensive. And thrown at you like garbage. Gitae was now looking at you. Probably wondering why you weren’t exited. You used to be. You’d be jumping up and down, all over him. Telling him all sorts of sweet and lovely things about him. But right now all you did was pick up the bag and inspect it like some lab rat. You’re not ungrateful, far from it. But it wasn’t necessary the bag you had wanted. It was the affection and effort that came with it. It was the fact that if you said A, that Gitae would’ve done it out of love and not out of obligation. It didn’t matter if it was A, B or X. It was the principle and the thought. And now, none of that really mattered. You didn’t feel happy, but you didn’t feel sad either. You felt. Indifferent. Okay with everything. But, you can’t let Gitae know such big changes, not before you have figured yourself out.
‘Thank you honey.’
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James really is a mastermind. You’ve heard a lot. But you don’t know him personally. Only a few things here and there. And just like that, you have his number saved in your phone. Nothing unusual. But you did make sure to save him as Dagyeom per his request. he didn’t have anything on his profile picture. It seemed to be a professional number, but that’s fine. You’re not really sure why you’d need it anyways. He only called you once and seemed to know a few basic things about you. You weren’t scared…more…curious why someone like him was talking to you.
And for some reason you even ended up meeting him. He’s a handsome man. A dangerous handsome man just like Gitae. But this one at least has a brain. A very intelligent one too.
‘Gitae’s woman?’
‘One of the many’
‘I see’
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‘Your obedience is almost laughable.’
‘You’re mistaking my tolerance as obedience.’
‘Interesting choice of words’
You’re not even sure if you fully know him. But he’s.. different. Refreshing. Something new in a life that waa constantly in a loop that made you sick and dizzy. Not to mention, it’s the first time ever that you meet someone that might actually defeat Gitae a principal that may have been so unbelievable to you up until a month ago. But James, he’s confident. Mysterious. And he feels…he makes you feel things you hadn’t felt in a long time. James was used to seeing you as a complainant woman who did everything for Gitae. And he wasn’t wrong. You indeed used to be like that. But not anymore. Your eyes had been opened….but had they been set on another?
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Coming home to Gitae made you feel more irritated than you’d like to admit. And you don’t even know why. To a certain amount it scared you how aware you were of the pit you might get yourself into. But when you walk into the living room, and see Gitae once again being surrounded by women…the first thing you could think of was James. James wouldn’t have done that. He’s not foolish. Calculating yes. But also strangely handsome in a almost siren like way. The way his eyes sharpen on their own…the fangs he has…the black hair that seemed strangely thick and still healthy even after it being dyed so much. He had beautiful two toned lips that for some reason were always moisturized. His grey eyes that always seemed both angelic and mysterious at the same time. You hadn’t even realized that you had walked past Gitae. You hadn’t even realized he talked to you. All you could think about these past days was James. Would James like this? This reminds me of James. James James James. He’s so. So. So…
‘I don’t like repeating myself’
You froze, but it wasn’t long before you gave Gitae a gentle cheery smile. A smile you always gave him. It didn’t mean much indeed, all just a facade. But as long as it made the conversation with Gitae shorter you were willing to do almost everything.
‘I’m sorry babe.’
‘You seem distracted lately.’
‘Do I? It’s probably because i keep fantasizing about the latest heels. You know the ones that are only released in Europe’
The cold yet sharp feeling of metal against your throat made you stunned. Gitae had never ever pulled his axe on you…it fucking hurts. Your eyes dropped together with your smile. It wasn’t your intention to, but it happened and you can’t take it back now. So its better to run with it. Gitae stared at you, really stared at you, trying to get some kind of answer about a question he hasn’t even asked you by your body language or your eyes. Eyes are the mirror of one’s soul after all. But it seemed that he didn’t get one after all from your body language. He stepped closer, hunching at your level to really get into your face. Even his eyes had stopped blinking.
