#kitkat yipyaps

[chichaterritory]

This just in: I'm a nothingarian, I have no morals, I'm hardly a real person and I'll larp till I die

Wanna test how nosy you truly are? Read about this random persons life and see how far YOU can get!

Recent discovery is that I'm devoid of any real personality. I focus so much time on liking so many things so I can feel like I'm a somebody but that's all I really have. I listen to a lot of music and have more songs in my playlist than I could name and I indulge myself in shows and movies so I can have something to equate to myself. Like, ok, I like this thing so that means I'm that kind of person. But in reality I'm not shit!!!! I have no morals!!! Not even in an edgy and self-serving way. I just have no real hills to die on. Like I can argue down on why I like a character or band or whatever I like but shit, do I have any real morals? Any real causes to die for? It feels like ever part of me is fleeting. I switch up to much to ever have a real sense of self. One day I hate something and the next day I love it. It just doesn't make sense. For so long I've tried to make sense of myself and I can't. I don't fucking know who I am?? I'll forever know these shallow things I like. Is that enough to make me a person? The interests I have that'll die out in like a month. And leave me feeling empty because I have nothing if I'm not drooling over some bullshit media. It's like I threw everything real about me away to vow myself to media. I never make oc content anymore. I don't give a fuck about any of my personal stories and ideas. I just wanna regurgitate fanfics and fanart out forever. And it makes me happy but will it ever fulfill me? These past few days I've felt so painfully unfulfilled like nothing will make me happy. And I lay in bed thinking of all the time I've wasted and will continue to waste but I never do anything about it. And then I wonder why I'm unhappy. I'm so unwilling to change that it seems physically impossible. I won't even try anymore. Because I know it'll go away like everything else. It's all temporary. I work hard and I believe the bad days are over but they come back. I just don't know if they'll ever go away. Sometimes I fantasize about going up to random people and asking them if they have a gun and are willing to shoot me. Like, do whatever with my body after and nobody will really care to unveil my murder so go crazy! Maybe one day I can find a bloodthirsty psychopath willing to murder me to death <3 until then, I gotta like.... get this life shit under control

I wasn't expecting this one to be such a drag. Sozz

[chichaterritory]

I wanna try coining sum terms in a bit but I'm nervous bcuz it'll be my first time coining anything and my flags r lowkey butt ass ugly but idk fuck it we ball or something

[chichaterritory]

How looked down upon would it be if I put my cashapp here and begged for money so I can get a new cart and some good blades. What's the e-begging market like? Would I be better off making a cardboard sign and sitting outside. Nah, not in this weather. Maybe I can start a gofundme. "Neurodivergent queer poc minor needs funding to partake in her therapuetic activities 🥺". Man I need a fucking glucose guardian

[chichaterritory]

I've given up on myself. Now its your turn to give up on me

AKA Kitty whines about how her first world life sucks

(TW: Suicide and stuff. Not really a vent—more of a rant)

Rehab was supposed to be a fresh start—or whatever the sad horse from the sad horse show said. That's how I felt with the psych ward. But that place did FFFFFFFUCK all for me. And then they threw me back into the '✨💖Real World🥰💞' and basically said "fuck you, get your life back together on your own time". Well uh, guess what. "What, Kitty??" Thanks audience, great participation skills. I still wanna die. Yeppp. Still don't wanna go to school and still wanna do drugs and cut and all that fun stuff. And I sort of see my life as too far gone to get back on track. So like I've given up on myself. I did like when I was idk some age. But for some reason the world still wants to hold onto me. The same world that hates me for being mentally ill wants me to not die. And okay sure, suicide is selfish, but everyone has their own selfish reasons for wanting me alive so look, were all assholes I guess. You know what I hate? Like, really hate? "what do you really hate, Kitty?" Thanks for asking. I HATE when people you don't fucking know act like your life matters so much. Therapists will really look you in your eyes 1 second into knowing you and act like if you killed yourself they'd be completely shattered. Girl, either you have attachment issues which is not a good thing to have as a therapist, or you're just badly lying to me to make me potentially maybe not kill myself. But it doesn't work. It actually pisses me off. Therapists as a whole piss me off. Like, their words and tone of voice and shit. They're just pity machines. That shit doesn't work on me.

Anyways, like, it's pretty pointless still having faith in me. I'm pretty DEAD set on dying. Ahahahhh get it. Dead set.. cause I want to DIE. But like I've pretty much already given up. I'm a bum in training. A worthless hunchbacked bitch who scrolls tumblr all day desperate for some keyboard warrior anon to give me attention and getting wet when I see any number higher than 0 on my activity tab. I actually think I deserve the death penalty. On that topic, there should be human euthanasia. Because why is it cruel and fucked up to keep a suffering pet alive but people be posted up with their 200 year old great-great-great-grandmother who is actively trying to pull the plug on herself and all of a sudden her long life of suffrage is a 'blessing' and a 'miracle'. No worries if she's blind and her lungs are filling up and she doesn't know where she is or who you are or who she is. No worries that she's fed through a tube and pisses and shits through a bag and can't wipe her own ass and scratch her own itches. She alive and that's all that matters! Humans treat life like its greater than it is when we all know its shit. We're so fixated on it. And the thought of wanting to die is so insanely taboo because "life is a blessing and God made us all to live and be happy and magical and frolic and fields even though we all work corporate jobs and made this world a place of no true joy!" UGHGDGYJCECGYICEGYICEGYI. And another thing I hate is when people say "suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problems". Uhhh, good? Don't we want our solutions to be permanent? Like, if my computer ran into a problem and I did some fix on it, I want that to be permanent so my computer doesn't run into the same issue. If my cat had an illness and I go to the vet and the vets like "ok, I can give your cat this vaccine that will make sure she never gets this illness again" THATS A FUCKING GOOD THING??? Why do people say that? Like hell yeah, all my problems will be solved for fucking ever. That kicks ass. Why would I not want that? And how are you sure my problems are temporary? My life has sucked longer than it hasn't. It doesn't feel very temporary to me. I hate things people say just to not get you to kill yourself but they really hold no true value. "Suicide is selfish". Everything is selfish. Even selfless acts are like nine-times-out-of-ten done with mildly selfish intent. I think everyone should have the right to kill themselves. Especially like if you're at the point of mental illness where you gotta do all the bullshit experimental treatment options like electroshock therapy and ketamine overdose or whatever tf its called. Man, that's enough. I think it's wraps.

So yeah, let people kill themselves. Especially me. Let me kill myself in peace, man.