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"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."
♪
These are the lies - The Cab
She - We The Kings
Sorry - AS IT IS
All the ways - Wet
White blood - Oh Wonder
Message me a ♪ for a playlist of 5 songs that I have chosen based off of your blog.
truth tag
i was tagged by @freiheitskarussell, thank you very much :)
Rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 75 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged.
LAST:
Last Drink: freshly made orange juice
Last phone call: my mum
Last text message: to my dad
Last song you listened to: anna rosinelli - broken hearted
Last time I cried: i can’t remember, probably in september on top of the cliffs of moher
HAVE YOU EVER:
Dated someone twice: yes
Been cheated on: yes
Kissed someone and regretted it: no
Lost someone special: yes, more than once
Been depressed: there have been sad times, but never really depressed
Been drunk and thrown up: nope
IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
made a new friend: yes
Fallen out of love: no
Laughed until you cried: of course
Met someone who changed you: yes
Found out who true friends were: yes
Found out someone was talking about you: yes
GENERAL:
How many people on tumblr do you know in real life: i write with some of them, but i’ve never met one in person
Do you have any pets: yes, two cats
Do you want to change your name: no
What time did you wake up this morning: somewhere around 10am
What were you doing last night: i had to work until 10pm and afterwards i watched a movie at home
Name something you cannot wait for: my skiing holidays wich starts next friday
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: can’t remember, probably yes
What’s getting on your nerves rn: my laziness
Blood type: no idea
Nicknames: nela
Status: taken
Zodiac sign: gemini
Pronouns: She/her
Favorite tv show: sherlock
High School: done
College: done
Hair color: a mix of red and blonde
Long or short: shoulder length
Do you have a crush on someone: who has not?
What do you like about yourself: my freckles, my laugh
Tattoos: not yet
Righty or lefty: righty
FIRSTS:
First surgery: i got all my wisdom teeth out at once :(
First piercing: my ears
First best friend: in kindergarten
First sport you joined: skiing i think
First vacation: salzburg or can canaria
First pair of sneakers: i don’t know
RN:
Eating: nothing
Drinking: nothing
I’m about to: tumblr and hearing music
Listening to: the local radio station
Waiting for: a weather change
Want kids: yes
Get married: yes
Career: family first, but i won't quit working
WHICH IS BETTER:
Lips or eyes: Eyes but lips are nice too
Hugs or kisses: both
Shorter or taller: i don’t care
Older or younger: i don’t care
Romantic or spontaneous: a mix of both
Sensitive or loud: sensitive
Hook up or relationship: relationship
Troublemaker or hesitant: both
HAVE YOU EVER:
Kissed a stranger: no
Drank hard liquor: yes
Lost glasses/contacts: no
Sex on first date: no
Broken someone’s heart: unfortunately i think so
Been arrested: no
Turned someone down: yes
Cried when someone died: yes
Fallen for a friend: yes
DO YOU BELIEVE:
In yourself: yes
Miracles: sometimes
Love at first sight: yes, since i experienced it by myself
Heaven: yes
Santa Clause: no
I tag: --> in the tags area
Untitled
So right now I am sitting in my second class of the same system for the same school that I have to do every day of the week, like many of you. I don’t know what to call this, maybe an autobiography talking about why and how I am still here. This will be emotional and triggering at times, although of course I encourage you to read it. I can’t quite keep a steady reason on why I’m writing this, I guess the main thing would be that i’m quite unpredictable at times and can’t really tell you I’ll be around much longer, and I want people to have a better understanding of me as a person before I leave forever, I am posting this on Tumblr as a easy way so people can go back and find it if they really want to. All I know i’m damn sure not doing this for enjoyment since I wrote this fucking paragraph on 9 different sheets of paper. So, crack open some pop, or soda whatever you want to call it and take a few out of your day to read about my rather unfortunate series of events in my personal life that made me do some of the things Ive done. Ultimately, this is an apology for those of you that were impacted by me, so read carefully and remember this will get depressing, rather quick.
So of course I should start with my childhood as it would make the rest a lot easier to understand, I was born in Pompano Beach Florida. My childhood was the best part of my life by far, most of the days were spent playing outside with my old friends that I probably havent seen in 7 years, Sarah and Anthony. Sarah was by far the closest person I was with. I have to feel bad for Anthony though, I remember the first day I met him. He had to be younger then Sarah and I. They moved 3 houses down from me, Sarah and my mom and myself were chilling on the porch eating apples. His grandparents basically introduced him. Later on I figured out that his grandparents took care of him because his parents took drugs and died in a car accident. A few years after I moved, my mom told me she saw him in the hospital because his grandmother got so fucked up on drugs that when she went to get out of the car, she opened the door and plopped out and hit her head on the curb, she died that night.
Other then playing with my friends all day, I didn't mention my brother. My younger brother Gavin had to be the most important and impactful influence of my life by far. Gavin was one of a kind, literally. He lived with mastocytosis and Zollinger Ellison syndrome aswell as several other bowel diseases. He was and still was the only person with those diseases combined, Doctors couldn't find a cure, nor nurses from across the world, nor cancer researchers. His whole life was spent in the hospitals. Everyday after school I would visit him on the way home for countless hours until night. He was smart as hell and loved damn near everything, he was my life.
On February 2, 2015 he was put on life support, I was in the room with him of course. He kept talking about all the stories that I told him at night. It was easy to tell that he was dying. When he talked it sounded like he had barely enough breath to push the words out. The whole time he was holding my hand really tight like he was about to fall off a cliff. This might sound strange but holding a kids hand is the cutest thing because their hands are super small and soft. Anyways, the last thing he said was "Will I be okay?" of course I said yes. Shortly after a few minutes of silence he was getting noticable more pale. Time began to really slow down like really, slow. Sounds became faint and muffled, I left his grip loosen and heard the heart monitor make that long dreadful beep we all know from the dramatic movies, no that sound is real. Thats all I heard, I might have passed out, I don't really remember what happened after that. All I remember after that was sitting in the same chair I was in, opening my eyes from what seemed like hours of darkness. I sat in the same chair all night until morning, staring down at the floor thinking about all the lost memories, crying and hearing his voice ever so often.
That was the turning point in my life. And also the point in the story where my hand is aching like fuck.
So I began suffering from major depression, and insomnia struck aswell as my many insecurities, Boy are there many of them. I started trying to find a way to seek more people to talk to, I went on a website called Meez which is basically a dumb chat room where you have your own avatar and shit, I wasn't into it but if it meant I got friends thats all I cared about. I met Brooke while she was dating a fake guy that was in reality a girl and faked many other people aswell. But I became good (good) friends with her under a alias, mainly because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and I'm still not, because we see how many friends I get being myself. Not many. After about a week, I came out to her and showed her who I really was...
I'm going to cut the bullshit and go straight until we started dating. You know the saying, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE UNTIL YOU LOSE IT BLA BLA BLA. Well sure as shit that's true. I still believe to this day that Brooke is and was the only person that could put up with my bullshit. She could stay up talking with me until we basically fell asleep and I do miss that. And honestly, I really hate myself because I don't have that anymore. She moved on though, and has a boyfriend now. I would say i'm happy for her, but I'm more jealous then anything.
The relationship we had had good and bad moments, I knew I had to break up. I wanted (want) a real life relationship instead of a texting and skype one, and she knew that. We broke up, I still miss her a shit ton and really want someone that can make me as happy as she did and deal with my dumb bullshit. I do have Kadie, but she doesn't stay up past 10 which doesnt go well with my insomnia at all, I spend many nights alone.
So I attempted to kill myself a total of 8 times this year. I remember writing each death note, the minute I attempted suicide I felt instant regret each time I attempted. Whoever is reading this, don't try to kill yourself from a lack of friends or company. I still don't know the reason for writing this, probably won't have one.
Anyways, today was the day that I realized I was wasting Brooke's time altogether. She is better off without me, she put up with my shit for a long time and doesn't deserve to anymore. its better for me to be alone then hurt someone else, and its selfish of me to expect that she should be there for me, because she shouldn't. Never take your friends, girlfriend, boyfriend whatever the fuck you have for granted because you won't always have that person.
6, 21, 68 c:
6. What are you excited for? Nothing really tbh, maybe New Year but idk.21. Are you in a good mood? Yeah I guess, I’m not sad I just desperately want to go climb a hill but im too scared bc it’s really late and dark oh no68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Wildest Dreams. I love that song so much!
thank you brooke u cutie <3
Things I’m currently into tag!
Thank you to unl-oved for tagging me ❤️
One song: Paper Doll - Bea Miller Two movies: The Lucky One, Gimmie Shelter Three TV shows: Switched At Birth, Supernatural, and The Fosters Four video games: The Sims, & Mario Cart. (I don’t really play video games) Five foods: Coffee (is that a food???), Pickles, Chocolate, Chicken, and Spaghetti.
I tag : kittence , tinyscrawls , blissful-unrest , deviltome , emissarium