Go right ahead... laugh at a girl who loved too easily. Laugh at the girl who loved at the wrong time. Laugh at the girl who put him on a pedestal because for once, out of all the wrong in this world, he was the right thing she needed. Laugh at the girl who is me...
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUY I LOVE AND THE GIRL WHO WILL LOVE HIM NEXT.
If you're reading this, hello. This isn't a rant, but a letter, and a confession to you. I don't know where to start or how to start, but here we go. We met under different circumstances; you were happy, with two jobs, and your girlfriend came back. Me, my ex-boyfriend left me on my birthday, so I was bitter about it, and my depression kicked my ass. But the day we met, September 2nd 2015, a part of me knew my life would change - I just never thought it would change like this. When I first met you, I hated you. Absolutely hated you. You were annoying, weird, egotistical. Things I didn't want in a friend. Personally, I'm the opposite. That's one of the reasons why I didn't want you to come close. But I learned to not judge and just be accepting again, so I did. We spoke about the small things, and you told me about Quicksilver of the Marvel comics, in return, I taught you about Harley Quinn. I figured that you'd get tired of me constantly speaking of my love for her, so I backed off. Yet, you listened with an open mind and wanted more. So it happened, I let my guard down slowly, and soon enough, within a week, I had made a new friend.
Then you disappeared for three days. And it left me wondering if I scared you off. Because my ex boyfriend constantly reminded me of how much of a burden I was, and how annoying I could be. So I sat and waited, day and night, wondering if you were okay, my mind boggled with self-opinions of how stupid I was for caring when I promised myself I'd never care again. Not for a boy, a girl, a family member... not even for myself. You came back that third day and suddenly I felt normal. Turns out you were having a bad week, and so I left you a couple of edits of Quicksilver. I never expected your reaction to be so...joyous. But it felt good. I went to sleep happy, knowing I did something right. From there, we grew really close, too close. We started to speak on a more personal note, due to me having a panic attack over my ex. I started to let you in, which really scared me. As my friends wondered where I was and who I became, I turned to you. I told you things I could never speak of, and even cried about it. I had this fear that I would eventually lure you off, or you'd get tired of me. That's what I despised the most; I let other people's opinions dictate my life and my self worth and that was not okay. However, I was too blinded by him to even realize that.
You told me about your girlfriend briefly, and I admit, I was jealous; didn't know why. I asked myself, "Well, if he has a girlfriend, why is he so interested in my personal life and my inner demons?" Then it hit me, you were just being a friend. I started to talk to my friends about you, and they seemed to like you a lot. Except for my ex. We got back together, and I thought everything went well - until he started beating me again, and reminding me that I was some hopeless romantic girl from New York, and that no one, not even my own mother, would love me. Only him. That I belonged to him; it took a toll on me mentally and physically and I started to cut and harm myself, turning to drinking to stop the pain. I started to seclude myself, even from you. I expected you to run off. . .but you stayed. You understood me and stood beside me, even when I wanted to run off and hide. I had people coming after me, people from my past, people that barely knew who I was. And that didn't scare you the slightest bit. I think I realized then, that I had started to fall for you. And so him and I broke up once more. Then got back together, only then, the love I felt was gone. I couldn't hold him, I was too afraid. I couldn't kiss him, I was too afraid. I couldn't even look into his eyes, because all I saw was hatred and I was waiting, just waiting, for him to grip my throat like he always did. He scarred me mentally, but it was you who slowly began to heal it.
We started becoming rocky, but that was easily fixed. I started to notice you growing extremely protective over me. You didn't want anyone near me, or even close. You stood up with me until 3 am or later, even though you had work the next hour. You did everything right and my God, I started to fall. I started to just think what if? What if this mistake I made led me to a better choice? What if this is 'the one' for me. And I didn't mean that in a marriage type of way; I meant it as in, what if you were the one to break me out of the shell I hid in. You were absolutely imperfectly perfect in my eyes. I woke up happy, and feeling good about myself. When I forgot who I was, you'd remind me every single day - for once, I was thankful for the life I had. The dullness in my eyes faded away, I ate again, I slept well. I was...alive. I figured I'd repay you back, so I tried to. It only led me to fall more --
But then you told me you didn't feel the same way, that you were a bad guy with a bad past and couldn't be with anyone. I've felt a range of emotions, but when that day came, I felt heartbroken, as if acid melted my heart away until it was cold. And a part of me knew you were just being a friend, but I saw someone who looked as if he was falling for me, as if he wanted me just like I wanted him...maybe even more. I cried for days on end but pretended to be okay when it came to you. I pushed it all aside and made you happy, even when you asked me if I was okay. I lied, because the truth was more painful, although it would have set me free. Everything changed then. I put up that wall and never took it back down. But still, you somehow made me do the opposite. You went back to reminding me how beautiful I was, and how special I was. Even when we got into that arguement about the 'unstable' one - you chose me over her. And you told me I was yours and you were mine. So now I thought, "Do you even see me as anything more than an emotional rock?" I felt like a toy then. Like I was just here to be messed with. I hated you, I hated you so much but I passionately loved you. I came to terms that I just couldn't hate you, even if I tried.
Again, you apologized, telling me you never saw me that way. I accepted it, or so I thought. I went back to my former lover only to be set up with disappointment; he just continued to hit me, even though I saw the good in him. I continued to do things for everyone else, to make them smile, even if it meant I'd breakdown every night. I wouldn't let my new heartache stop me from doing better. And you taught me that - to move forward, thank you. Months pass, and we go back to growing close, this time, more evident from you, that you didn't want to share me. You're selfish and I honestly loved that. You made sure I knew I was yours in any way you could. I loved you, I loved you so much it both pained and pleasured me. I decided that you were worth everything. Distance meant nothing to me, so long as you were there. I could have sworn we were meant to be. We would fight and then end up next to each other. I'd tell you 'I hate you' but cry and apologize. You told me not to. 'Cuz you were rotten and hated your life. You told me your thoughts, and it didn't scare me away - in fact, it made me love you more. Why? Because when you love someone, you love all of them; the good, the bad, the damaged, the crazy - all of it. I know I haven't been honest, and neither have you, but I've been trying. As of late, things changed. You told me you loved me in a way you couldn't explain. I just wanted to know and figure it out - what do you mean?
I confessed my love for you, and you told me you didn't feel that kind of love for me. I should have been hurt, but I suspected it. I mean, you've told me it multiple times. But I couldn't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, you felt the same way. Even if it was a smidge. I wondered what would you have said or did if I walked away and gave my love to another man. Gave all my attention, my smiles and laughter, my secrets, even my body. Would you have realized your love for me then? Would you have fought for me? Would you even make that effort to pick up the phone to call me? Hear my voice? Tell me you made a mistake? Probably not. Because that's you, the introverted pizza boy I love. And for once, I would have been okay with it. Right now, we're good. I do miss those late night conversations and talks about life and your family, my family. With all the bad that's in this world, you were the light, the good in it, at least to me.
So yes, I am bitter, and I am hurting. But I've learned so much about myself in a year, and it's all because of you. I love you, and thank you, for helping me become the woman I am today. No words can explain my gratitude, and I know I can't repay you. You told me to love someone else who deserves it, and I will. Eventually. First though, I'm loving myself. I will always have that 'what if' thought of you. What if we did happen? Would we be happier? Would we be motivated? I know one thing, I'd love you harder and take away your pain; I'd push you to work and go back to school, to know there's more to the world than silly little Miami. Because you are the world, and you are worth more than you think, even if your past is toxic. I gained a best friend out of the heartbreak and I will always love you. Never forget that. Our bond is unbreakable.
And to the girl who will love him more than me; I beg you, please, treat him right. He likes belly rubs and playing video games on his days off. He loves his dog Bubba more than his life. He's a good man. He's lazy most of the time but with a little push, he can make wonders happen. He eats a lot of pizza. He's Australian, but lives in Miami. He's old as it is, don't force him to do anything he doesn't wanna do. He sleeps naked, so expect body touching. He's immature in the best way possible and will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
He has the biggest obsession over Game of Thrones. Don't get annoyed with him. Just listen and learn, watch his reaction, notice how his eyes sparkle when he speaks of it; watch as his smile brightens at the very thought of Khaleesi. He's also cheap when it comes to video games. His car is an important part of his life, which, if you're lucky enough, he'd tell you about. Don't tell him to stop eating out, he's a gremlin, there's no ending that. Sometimes he sleeps in a lot, don't worry, it's normal. He has a niece he loves and she's the cutest little thing ever, so I hear. When you're not okay, tell him. Don't stress him out. He isn't the funniest guy but he tries, so laugh. Know he has bad days, just be there for him. But most of all, don't hurt him. He's one in a million. Love him more than I ever did, love him and make him forget his demons the way he made me forget mine. Show him what I couldn't show him. Show him beauty.
Signed,
The girl who loved him at a bad time.
Also known as
Harley Katyja Elise Quinn.
