Dec 17, 2025
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#notcuteanymore #ivegotsuedeonmyvinyl
when i was a kid an uncle gifted me a mango tree and i planted it in the middle of my grandmother’s backyard. it grew big enough to be shady but it wouldn’t bear any fruit. every winter i went home my uncles would ask me to plead with it so it would give fruit. an aunt read me the bible passage where jesus threatens a fig tree and i’d go and speak with it. sit by it. pet its bark as if it were a pony. it never gave fruit. i got home one summer and it was just gone. why can’t we all be afforded this mercy i wonder
i ❤️ playing house with emotionally unavailable bisexual women. it doesn’t matter it always ends badly i will keep doing it. revolving door. i ❤️ taking little sips of what i can’t ever have. sip sip slurp slurp. lapping at condensation like a dog. lovesick dizzy while putting away dishes. she gets up from bed and it makes me sit up where are you going and the question charms her so much her face is all flushed. she has a pair of tiny pink velour shorts and an xl t shirt she lets me borrow when i’m over. i open her car door at the parking lot of the grocery store. she buys me dinner and on the walk back she looks up towards her apartment window and says there’s our cat freudian slip i say he’s not my cat tho. i can’t ever be a boyfriend or a husband but i ❤️ playing house for a month or two. i’m like the pre-game before a long term boyfriend they move in with. favorite favorite thing in the world. i’ll be sixty like burroughs in queer and i’ll prowl after a man for a season and then spend the next being a gentleman and vacuuming floors that aren’t my own. squeezing the last dregs of a lime. peeking from behind a door. sitting in the shade instead of walking inside. please always leave the door half open. leave it almost closed. the glass is overflowing it’s dripping its walls are all wet but let me just take a little sip. that’s just enough for me.
fashion thing i hate that i’ve been seeing a lot this season is wearing jeans + tshirt + flip flops and then a fuckass trench or long cardigan or even wool coat as a layer??? it looks so silly. if it’s warm enough to wear flip flops, then why would you wear a coat??? like it doesn’t make any sense. do it with an over shoulder sweater. an oversized cotton shirt. a kimono. something that makes sense for the weather. like i can only imagine that either their feet are chilly or their armpits are sweaty. how is that chic. how is that chic at all.
i go on marketplace and change the location to the big city and obsess and catastrophize about the rising rent prices and lament at me not being romantically inclined. of course a couple can pay that rent. i could never. when i was a teenager i had this fantasy. i would move back into the city and we'd reconcile. we'd share an apartment and live together but in different bedrooms. we'd own a big dog. in this dream he has a long string of girlfriends, and when i'd picture it, it would be with me standing in a corner, on the entrance of my own bedroom looking into his. i'd look. i'd look and then take out our big dog for a walk. i sit at a party and a girl asks me if i think of marriage. i say i don't. i can't even imagine it. i look at studios and one bedrooms only on my screen. feel my belly warm up from my laptop heat. i remember reading that makes you infertile somewhere.
retail therapy…. got hands……… bleeding out on the floor…..