back to december - mingyu x reader
warning: angst!!!!!!, so much angst, anxiety, weddings (?), one mention of a bad partner but its not mingyu or reader, lmk if I missed anything!
a/n: hiii :3 long time no see <33 life is so much more stable now I might post more hehe
i'm so glad you made time to see me how's life? tell me, how's your family? i haven't seen them in a while you've been good, busier than ever we small talk, work and the weather your guard is up and i know why
walking into the emptier-than-usual café, the first thing you saw was mingyu sitting at the back by the window. he was looking at the rain outside, a cup of coffee in front of him. probably a latte—it’s still quite early for him to enjoy an americano. it had been 2 years since you last saw him. two years ago when you decided to end the best relationship you ever had, the one that still haunts every corner of your mind.
you slowly made your way over to him, trying to burn this image of him behind your eyes. the soft, warm mingyu in a coffee shop waiting for you—and not the one who was—
your thoughts were cut short when mingyu saw you approach and gave you a small smile. god, how terribly you missed that smile. you tried your best to return one, sitting across from him.
“hi y/n,” mingyu was the first one to break the silence. a waiter approached, overly cheerful for a gloomy morning—or maybe it was just you dreading the conversation you promised yourself you’d never have.
mingyu watched you give your order, an espresso. he’d always tease you about your ‘european taste.’
“how have you been, mingyu?” it was now your turn to ask. his soft gaze never once broke contact. you tried not to look too much into them, scared you might see the same love you once took for granted.
“i’ve been good. busy, but well.”
“i’m so glad you made time to see me. how’s life? and your family? i haven’t seen your sister around in a while,” you asked, trying to divert from the very persistent.
“y/n, i know you didn’t ask to see me after two years to ask me about my sister.”
“did you get the invite to cheol’s wedding?” you sighed, looking outside the window.
mingyu furrowed his eyebrows. he knew his longtime friend was getting married—hell, he was one of the groomsmen—but what did that have to do with him and you?
“yeah… why?”
“well, we are walking the aisle together. i spoke to aera and she wants me as one of her bridesmaids. and yesterday she sent me the list of partners and it was you and me,” the words burned your tongue like poison. walking down the aisle? you and me? this was not how you ever wanted to do a wedding ceremony with him.
“i know.”
you shot your head up to look at him. he knew? and he wasn’t affected by it?
“oh. sorry, i—” you cleared your throat, “i just figured given our history and how we’ve been avoiding group meetings, if the other was just in case showing up, we could, you know, come to an agreement. for cheol and aera.”
and i was also hoping you’d be as affected by this as me.
“yeah, you’ve got nothing to worry about. we’ll do this, for cheol and aera.”
because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind you gave me roses and i left them there to die so this is me swallowin' my pride standin' in front of you sayin' i'm sorry for that night and i go back to december all the time
mingyu tried to push back the memories of you ever since he met you this morning. but the second he sat in his usual spot on the train, his mind wandered back to the last time he saw you.
the two of you were in your apartment, one that you had been sharing since your third year of university. mingyu knew you since the first year. you were the pretty girl who sat in front of his history class. it was an extra credit elective, and he was interested enough to pick it up. mingyu was more than glad that day when he realized the only empty spot was the one next to you. introductions turned to stolen smiles, sneaking around turned to showing up for parties together. from your first kiss, mingyu knew you were it for him. all he ever wanted, really.
a year and a half later, you suggested moving in together. he was more than happy, his smile almost permanent on his face. graduation rolled around and the two of you settled into a routine with each other. work kept you busy during the day and quiet nights were spent in each other's arms. it was picture-perfect, but not every good thing lasts forever.
mingyu knew he wanted to marry you; he knew this from the moment he met you. but you had other plans. you wanted to travel. you wanted to live life. meet new people, new cultures, never stop and settle. you wanted freedom. when you started coming home late, and distances grew, mingyu knew this wouldn’t last long. he hoped, prayed to any higher being who would listen, but he knew.
mingyu would never forget that cold december night. you came home later than usual. it had been weeks since the two of you had a proper conversation. mingyu thought he could salvage what was left and maybe, just maybe change your mind, but it was too late. when the two of you sat at the dinner table, mingyu had made your favorite meal, you were the first to speak up.
“we should break up.”
mingyu felt his entire world stop. no, please no. swallowing back a lump, he asked why.
“i’m tired, mingyu,” you sighed, “i just—I feel like i’m stuck here. in this job, in this place, in this relationship. i can’t keep doing this. i know i’m hurting you, but you knew i never wanted to do this. i always wanted to go out, travel, see the world. i’m sorry, gyu, but i can’t.”
when you looked up at mingyu, his eyes were brimming with unshed tears and for the first time, they were empty. no love, no warmth, nothing. mingyu just nodded and cleared his plates, leaving you alone at the table. maybe a small part of you realized then and there that this would be the biggest mistake of your life.
mingyu left a note in the morning, just a short: ‘staying at cheol’s place till you move out. sorry.’ you understood why he didn’t want to be around, and within a week you left to enjoy this newfound ‘freedom.’
it turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you wishin' i'd realized what i had when you were mine i'd go back to december, turn around and make it alright i go back to december all the time
well, turns out this freedom, this high you were so desperately trying to chase, wouldn’t last longer than a few weeks in the same place. first, the flights and long layovers were fun, but after a while, it was exhausting. annoying even. then every single person around you seemed to be in love everywhere you went. and when the money ran short, you had no choice but to go back home.
home.
a place you hadn’t thought of, even called, for months now. and the worst part of it all was that your first week away, you knew that this was a mistake. that leaving mingyu was a mistake. but now, with all this new freedom and a broken heart and no place to call home, all you could do is miss mingyu. you knew he wasn’t coming back. not after what you did. if only you could go back to december.
these days, i haven't been sleepin' stayin' up playin' back myself leavin' when your birthday passed and i didn't call
coming back to your old life after the said freedom was hard. you were more than thankful to aera, who let you crash on her couch till you figured out how to get a job and a house. the days were filled with a blur of applications, interviews, and house hunting. the nights though—the nights were far worse. at the still of the midnight mist, mingyu plagued your mind and sleep. thinking over what-ifs again and again till the first break of the day would shine through the window, and the process would repeat again. you did think of reaching out once—maybe a few times, actually—especially on his birthday. yet you only stared at the ceiling, allowing the what-ifs of the unspoken words to cloud your thoughts.
then i think about summer, all the beautiful times i watched you laughin' from the passenger's side and realized i loved you in the fall
now, all these years later, you sit at the end of the rehearsal dinner table, watching mingyu laughing out loud at something terrible seungcheol said. or was it soonyoung? you weren’t really paying attention. the soft crinkle of his eyes, the way he threw his head back laughing, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips, and the way it would all vanish the second he would lay his eyes on you was enough to haunt you for a lifetime. you had years of summers with him next to you laughing the exact same way. why didn’t you tell him you loved him then as badly as you want to now?
and then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind you gave me all your love and all i gave you was goodbye
you knew why. you thought he would stay forever. you figured you had enough time to tell him you loved him. but fuck you and your impulsive decisions. someone at work mentioned how their marriage and partner makes them feel like they have no life outside of kids and work, and you pictured yourself there. mingyu wasn’t even like their partner! he was always so hands-on, so loving it overwhelmed you. you regretted the words “we should break up” the second you uttered them. but one look at his face and you knew the damage was done. ever since you first met mingyu, he gave you all his love. and all you could give him was goodbye.
so this is me swallowin' my pride standin' in front of you sayin' i'm sorry for that night and i go back to december all the time it turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you wishin' i'd realized what i had when you were mine i'd go back to december, turn around and change my own mind i go back to december all the time
you thought you could handle the wedding. walking down with the man you once loved so dearly, arms linked, surrounded by wedding decorations and friends. this was supposed to be your dream. yours and mingyu’s. this was supposed to be your wedding to him and not feel like a death march toward the cliff. you tried to push your feelings away for days. but at the reception, you broke. there’s only so much you could take and you excused yourself to the cool summer breeze. over the racing and overthinking of your mind, you couldn’t hear mingyu walk up to you and call your name. he touched your arm, startling you out of your thoughts.
“you okay, y/n?” he asked, eyes finally showing hints of concern you were so desperately trying to search, and that was enough to make the dam break.
one look at him and you start sobbing, trying so hard not to make a sound, and mingyu, flustered by you crying, only moved to stand as a barrier between you and the party hall.
“i’m sorry,” you sniffed, “i am so fucking sorry. i shouldn’t have left you. i didn’t want the freedom, i—I didn’t want to leave you, mingyu. but i was s-scared. s-scared that—that this is all i might have. and i was young and dumb and so, so fucking stupid. and you! you were so fucking perfect, so good to me. i—I never deserved you from the start, gyu. and i feel so, so fucking rotten all the time i think about it, and i just—I hate myself for even doing that to you. fuck—I’d go back and change everything if i could. i—” you hiccuped, breaking down into sobs.
i miss your tan skin, your sweet smile so good to me, so right and how you held me in your arms that september night the first time you ever saw me cry
mingyu gathered you in his arms, your tears soaking through his fancy dress shirt. this was the first time he was so close to you in years and you—you missed this so much. missed him so much. his post-workout tan skin, his sweet smile, his pretty eyes when he did something he loved. how he held you the exact same way you cried in front of him the first time ever. he was so fucking good and so right since the very beginning.
maybe this is wishful thinkin' probably mindless dreamin' but if we loved again, i swear i'd love you right
“if we ever love again, i swear i’ll love you right,” you mumbled after your sobs died down. mingyu still held you close, cheek resting on top of your head.
“i know,” he hummed, swaying the two of you to the faint music playing inside.
i'd go back in time and change it, but i can't so if the chain is on your door, i understand
you pushed back slightly to look into his eyes. his smile didn’t reach his eyes and you knew you weren’t going back. at least not anytime now.
“we won’t ever love again, will we?” you asked, small, eyes brimming with tears.
mingyu let out a small sigh and looked up. his eyes welling up as well, “i’m not saying never. but just… not... now. i—it took me a long, long time to finally gain some control back in my life. when you left, i was a fucking mess. i don’t think i would even be here if seungcheol didn’t drag me out every single day. then, a few months later, i heard that you were back in town. shit hit the roof again and this time i was worse than before. i moved states away and just got back a few months ago. i’m not saying i’m still mad at you. i forgave you all those years ago, but i need to do this for me, y/n. I'm...i'm sorry.”
with one last smile, he walked back inside and away.
but this is me swallowin' my pride standin' in front of you sayin' i'm sorry for that night and i go back to december it turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you wishin' i'd realized what i had when you were mine i'd go back to december, turn around and make it alright i'd go back to december, turn around and change my own mind i go back to december all the time all the time
you left a note to aera and seungcheol the next day, thanking them for inviting you and for everything. you packed your bags filled with overflowing regret and left. if you and mingyu were meant to love again, you will, but now you’ll have to sit in this anguish of missing him. if only you could go back to december.