The Fight for Joy?
It’s almost 2 weeks into the new year. Where did my desire to write go? So far this year has been challenging, but not in a negative way. God has showed me His love, grace, and mercy in the lives of people, especially in my fight club. I constantly identify my sins, with the intentions to kill em, but of course the heaviness of shame sometimes overweighs the grace that actually drowns me.
What does this look like? I know I’m free, living in the righteousness I could never earn, overwhelmed by God’s truth. Like the song sings, “my fears were drowned in perfect love!” Drowning, sinking, this image of helplessness, yet in my case safety. It’s too good, it’s overwhelming. How can shame overweigh that grace?
The call for this freedom is to die. Die to my flesh & desires. Die to my fears, shame, & guilt. His grace, His love, His blood which satisfied God’s wrath is drowning me. This death gives me life, yet my mind tells me I am filthy. My mind tells me I am unworthy. Sometimes it’s the people around me that make me feel this way. Sometimes it’s the look of disappointment in a friend’s face when I tell em once again how I put my trust & hope in a man that will never satisfy me. Or sometimes it’s the look of shame from someone on the outside who sees me teach the Word, disciple women, tell me they expected more out of me, than my jokes, drinking, & ways of having fun. Then my mirror. My mirror that loves to remind me that my brows are not in place, & my hair is “too nice” to not be kept up, & my skin is too many shades too dark in all the wrong places.
The reality of the cross is love that brings death. I never knew that kinda love. A love that turns enemies into friends. It’s hard to trust that kinda love, when the love you're used to comes with the comfort of one day getting hurt. The irony. The feeling of pain being comfortable, because it’s what I know. But instead, God offers perfect love. On the cross, He took not only my sins, but my shame. That’s perfect love. On the cross, He satisfied God’s wrath by being the worthy sacrifice & has called me worthy. That’s perfect love.
When my mind tries to tell me otherwise, when people point out the obvious, when my mirror speaks to me by the standards of this world, I want to be set free. I don’t believe in the waves of His grace. I don’t believe in the waters of His blood that washed away my sins. I believe in a life jacket. I believe in the life guard that I’m calling out to to rescue me. I’m waiting on that boat. But where will I go once they find me? What they offer are simple, instant lies. How long will I want to escape perfect love? What I am believing can never satisfy.
I’m drowning in forever. I want forever, but I’m afraid. I’m drowning in hope. I want hope, but I’m afraid.
I want the death that brings life. I want to rest in peace. I want the faith that follows His promises. I believe, Lord help my unbelief.
#fightforjoy: Mark 8:31-38, Mark 9:14-29, Romans 5-8, Colossians 3:1-17
I started a journal to actively fight for joy in the middle of a very rough, depressing 2016. The journal was the accountability I wanted to daily fill myself with the Word, repent from any unbelief, and trust in God for joy in the fight for faith. I drifted away from my journal for weeks, this post is my first journal entry since Christmas day.