To Have and To Hold Pt.1
Lars Lindstrom x Gn!Reader
Warnings: hurt/comfort, touch-starved reader, fluff, post-Bianca, no use of y/n, soft ending
Word count: 1.7 K
Part 2
a/n: yes i have fallen into my Ryan Gosling obsession era
You should be inside with everyone else. Out of the cold and surrounded by the sound of music and joyful chatter. But you needed a moment.
It had become too much all of a sudden, the sight of so many happy couples, their hands lingering on each other, fingers touching, heads leaning on shoulders. All of it had become too much.
Because you craved it.
Oh, how you craved it.
The simple contact of someone’s skin on yours.
It’s been a while since you’ve been held. Genuinely held, not just touched in passing or pulled into a hug that lasted no more than five seconds.
You stare at the night sky, arms wrapped around yourself, nails digging at the fabric of your long-sleeved shirt. You should have gotten your jacket. It was quite cold outside, and you were far too little covered to deal with the chill. But it felt good. To feel something other, something that came from outside and not from within you.
Lars’ boots land softly in the snow as he makes it down the last step of the porch. He’s making his way to his car, a soft smile gracing his features, when his eyes catch onto something nearby. He stops once he realizes it’s you.
He looks back at the house before turning his attention back to you. There is a moment where he hesitates, unsure of what it is he should do. And then he sees you’re shivering. It’s so soft anyone else wouldn’t notice it, but Lars isn’t like everyone else.
Before he can think much of it, he starts walking over to you, feet sinking into the snow as he does. He’s so quiet that it takes you a while to realize he’s standing behind you. When you finally do notice, you just turn your head, smiling at him as you let out a soft, “Oh, hey Lars.”
He doesn’t answer you immediately, attention still zeroed in on the way you’re shivering and how your nails dig into your forearm in a way he’s sure must be painful. He forces himself to look at your face, blinking forcefully for a moment before finally speaking.
“You’re cold,” he whispers.
“Oh yes, I suppose a little,” you answer, but make no move to go inside and grab your coat. You just continue looking at him, body spasming every so often from the chill.
Your response is not what he expected, so he just continues to stand behind you, brows furrowing as he clenches and unclenches his hands. You turn your head back up to the sky.
“It’s a full moon out tonight,” you state.
Lars raises his head to look at the moon. You’re right, it is a full moon, and an incredibly bright one at that.
The sound of you sniffling softly pulls Lars’ attention back down to you. He watches you for a moment as you continue to take in the sight of the moon. Then he shifts slightly, stepping forward so you two are standing side by side. He makes sure to keep a small distance between you two, but that doesn’t stop him from continuing to notice your small shivers.
It bothers him that you’re cold and yet make no move to go warm yourself. So he does the only thing he can think of.
You don’t hear the zipper nor listen to the shuffle of fabric as he removes it. You only notice he’s taken his jacket off when you feel it being draped around your shoulders.
The action finally manages to pull you from whatever spiral of thoughts you were getting lost in. You turn to look at Lars, eyes falling on his side profile as he stares out into nothing. You observe the way he breathes in and out a bit more forcefully than most people.
“Won’t you get cold?” you finally ask.
“Oh, it’s okay. I wear a lot of layers.” And then, as if to prove this to you, he raises his gloved hand and pulls his collar slightly so you can see the various shades of different shirts he’s wearing.
You let out a soft hum, eyes moving back to the sky.
“Are you going home?”
“No.”
Lars’ brows furrow.
“Why are you outside then?” he asks.
You let out a sigh.
“I needed a break.”
Lars can understand that. He too could get overwhelmed when there were a lot of people around.
“It’s not the people,” you mutter softly, getting Lars’ attention. “It’s the display of affection.”
Your fingers finally loosen from the fabric of your own sleeves. Slowly, you slip your arms through the sleeves of Lars’ jacket, pulling it tighter around yourself before wrapping your arms around your body once more.
“Or maybe it’s not the display of it that bothers me, but my longing for it. Not that I expect you to understand. You’re not big on touch, right Lars?”
Yes, that was true. Touch was never really his thing before. But it’s been getting better. He’s been working through it with Dr. Dagmar, and she thinks he’s making great progress.
“I’m the opposite. I long for it. Touch. Connection.” You explain, “It’s funny, isn’t it? How people can be different like that.”
The sight of you in his jacket calms Lars a bit. He’s glad you’re no longer exposed to the cold. But at the same time, your words trouble him a bit. Not what you said exactly, more how he should respond.
When everything was happening with Bianca, you’d been very helpful. Much like the rest of the community, you’d taken her in with open arms, often keeping her company while Lars was at work or helping him shop for outfits she might like. You’d been there for him when he needed kind words, so it felt only right to be here for you in your moment of need.
“Do you want a hug?” he whispers.
You turn to look at him, surprise clear on your face.
“You would—” you stop yourself for a moment, trying to figure out the right way to phrase this. “Wouldn’t I hurt you?”
He’s not sure. That’s the truth of it.
In the past, yes, touch had always brought him great pain, but with all the work he’d been putting in with Dr. Dagmar, he doesn’t know just how painless it will be now. A part of him thinks the pain will still be there. Maybe it will just take longer to come, or maybe it will simply be a bit dulled. But he won’t know until you touch him.
And in this moment, his eyes falling on the soft hope in your eyes, Lars thinks that’s a risk he’s willing to take.
He doesn’t answer you. Instead, he turns so that his body is facing you completely. You copy him, nervousness settling in your stomach as you wait for what he’s going to do.
He opens his arms and stays like that, waiting.
You hesitate, eyes moving from his open arms to his face a couple of times before you take a step forward. You pause as he takes a sharp breath in. You haven’t even touched him yet.
“Are you sure I—”
“Yes,” Lars answers quickly.
You take the permission, finally stepping fully into his space. Your arms wrap around him with ease, your head resting softly against his chest. You close your eyes, taking a deep breath in as his warmth starts to seep into you.
You can hear his heartbeat. It’s going quite fast, but you don’t hold it against Lars. You’re sure this must be hard for him, so you’re just glad to have been given the option in the first place.
You don’t expect him to wrap his arms around you. You know that’s too much to ask, so you just cling to him.
Lars braces for the pain he is almost sure will come. He clenches his face and screws his eyes shut. But it doesn’t come. Not in the way he’s used to. Not in the burning feeling that threatens to eat him alive.
There is some discomfort there, of course there is. But it doesn’t hurt.
Slowly, he allows his eyes to open, head tilting down slightly so he can look at your face. He watches as a single tear slips from the corner of your eye and trails down your cheek. He feels your body breathing against his, can feel your breath against the collar of his shirt.
And then, almost without realizing it, his arms relax. Not staying stiffly at his sides as they used to when Karin would hug him, but moving to wrap around you.
You gasp softly at the action, nuzzling your face into his chest at the feeling of him holding you.
You don’t know how long the hug truly lasts, but time seems to stretch infinitely as you cling to him.
To your surprise, you’re the one who ends the hug, pulling away softly from Lars’ body. He lets you go with no resistance, eyes jumping from one spot to another just so he doesn’t have to look at you.
He feels awkward, but pain-free.
“Thank you, Lars,” you whisper shyly, your hand moving to wipe at your tears.
He just gives you a small nod.
The sudden sound of loud laughter from inside the house pulls both your attentions toward the party. The front door swings open for a moment, music spilling out into the cold night before it shuts once more.
Your eyes drift back to him at the same time his drift back to you. You clear your throat softly.
“Would you maybe want to go somewhere?”
Lars tilts his head slightly, confusion flickering across his features.
“To talk,” you explain quickly. “Or just… hang out somewhere less overwhelming, I guess.”
Lars hesitates.
You immediately shake your head a little.
“You don’t have to—”
“Okay,” Lars cuts in quietly.
Your eyes widen slightly.
“Really?”
He gives you another small nod. The corners of your lips twitch upward into a soft smile.
“Okay. I’m just gonna go grab my things.”
Lars watches you go, blinking forcefully a couple of times. He realizes, as he watches you clamber through the snow, hands tugging his jacket tighter around yourself as you do, that he doesn’t mind the sight of you in it.
Much like he wouldn’t mind if you held him again.
