#latebloggin

[fuatino]

ou te manatu ia te oe i aso uma, tamā alofa atu tele very emotionally vulnerable rn

[fuatino]

Kevin found an injured bird outside my apt before he left and with the help of the internet we brought it inside and tried to give it water through a dropper and keep it dry and warm it passed a short while ago. I buried it outside. said some short choppy prayers in Sāmoan and apologized a lot. i'm so spiritually tapped out...... I cried a lot again. hoping work tomorrow goes okay

[fuatino]

emotionally vulnerable today, esp tonight.

i’m so tired of being disrespected. i’m tired of being so nice, especially about pasifika. i love how sympathetic and compassionate and understanding i am by nature but soaking it all up like a sponge - EVERYTHING the good and the bad  is really rough. in fact i feel like a sponge that’s been wrung out too many times.

i truly long for guidance in faaSamoa, esp the old indigenous religion and ways. the more i learn faaSamoa the more the hole on my soul feels filled, but there’s still a lot of open space, wind whistling through. i just want to know more, to feel connected to somewhere even if it’s gone into the past. i want to know what my agaga has been desiring since before i could articulate that desire truthfully. that desire only makes me more angry at missionaries in the process.

i miss my dad. i cried today, after hearing the lion king broadway cast singing at an airport video. i have the rhythm of the pridelands soundtrack and have had it since i was a kid. i vividly remember sitting passengerside in my dad’s hatchback tercel, window down in the arizona heat. i’d lay my arm on the bottom of the window hole and sing every single track, having memorized the foreign words from the lyricsbooks the cd came with. so when i heard one by one being sung by the tlk broadway cast, it took me back there. i was such a brat then. even right up to when he got sick. i’m not sure i can forgive myself. i know i was only a child (i was in high school when he got sick then went to hospital) but i still can’t help but feel awful about how much of a little brat i was when he always protected me, esp from physical abuse from my mom. i know in faaSamoa abuse is apparently “how we show love” and i can just barely understand her logic but the belt only ever made me too terrified to mess up or to come to her with anything that should be deemed an offensive. so, anything that could be seen as negative: struggling, failure, even being TOO “clingy” or emotional. but dad always protected me and calmed her down whenever he could. i miss you, dad. i miss you so so much.

many things are changing, i could be having a couple of big adventures the last half of the year.... all the change just makes me miss my dad more. there’s much potential to be sure but i’m just trying to deal with the now, and even that is made difficult.

for now, i’ll sleep.

[fuatino]

long af day but plenty of great news came to me today! now to maybe have tomorrow half day or off & get shit done, i’m hella ready

h e l l a

[fuatino]

AVAN FUCKING JOGIA

PLS STOP

[fuatino]

just finished my rough draft for my student speaker speech

falls over and cries self 2 sleep

[fuatino]

is what you said to me real? were your sleepy words the words of truth, or some dream you were having that's never to come to fruition? i'm not sure you understand-- my heart was going to leap from my chest, beat right out of me in front of you, raw. i think i just want to be seen by you like that - open and telling you exactly how i feel, how the littlest things you do turn my heart into an acrobat

please, i'm begging - help me understand

[fuatino]

my heart grows warm and beats stronger when i see any of you. even if it's not your face, i can feel the muscle trying to shallow its movement despite how i can feel it yearning to beat forth from me, powerful and hot. it's scary, but enticing all the same. oh, what a rush