Today, my train to uni was late.
Now, normally I would write the company a scathing email, calling them a dingbat, a stupidhead, and George Robinson.
However, instead I will list 10 things I hate about the train system, followed by one thing I like.
1. In peak hour, my face is usually forced into the armpit of another commuter. For your information, this is only good if the commuter in front of you sprouts rainbows from their armpits. Most don’t.
2. I feel like the drivers get a kick out of making us stumble. I say this only because I heard one of the drivers maniacally laugh just before coming into a station once…
3. Many of the announcements made, makes it sound like the guard is being smothered by a pillow. I respect that you have sexual desires, bro, but keep the pillow-play to a minimum when the train’s coming into the station….and that isn’t a euphemism….or is it…?
4. The graffiti. I have no issue with graffiti, except when it is done by a 12 year olds, who thinks he’s being cool - hence….most graffiti artists. Here’s a tip - if you’re tagging the train, you’re doing it wrong. If you do a detailed artwork of a unicorn shaking hands with Barack Obama, then you should be on the internet. Not a train.
5. The people - now 90% of people on the train are fine. This is because they don’t give a shit. However, the uptight ones are incredibly annoying. These are the people that give you dirty looks when you talk with someone in a voice just above the level of human hearing.
6. The school-time rush. Kids are good. Them playing ‘tip’ through the length of the train makes me want to put my leg out and trip them. And then force them out through an open window.
7. If there are seats available, and a complete random comes and sits down next to you, and doesn’t make any sign they want to communicate with you - that’s a social felony! Either publicly execute them or tell them to f-
8. When someone gets huffy because they think you’re reading over their shoulder….and you are….these are horrible people. Here’s a rule to sticky-beaking on trains, that I like to follow - newspapers and books, you’re doing good. Phones and personal information - YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG! or, if you’re a stalker and you haven’t been caught yet, you’re doing it right…
9. Those who bring large amounts of luggage on trains are ok. But if you leave it sitting on the seat next to you during rush hour, you better give it a tag saying “Hello - My name is Fred.” and start feeding it, otherwise I’m afraid Fred’s gonna have to take a tumble.
10. Why do people not talk on a train!? Its not like you’ve just had a one-night stand and with someone and you’re trying to find the right words to say “clean up and piss off” - IT’S A TRAIN! it should be fun, and you should feel open to talking to other people. You should not feel like you’re exposing your baby orangutan to a public audience of baby orangutan-haters. Awkward metaphor, but I think my point has come across.
And one thing I like:
1. You get me from a to b without me having to steal money or patrol from my parents. Plus, you can fit an entire party of people inside this mode of transport, without people thinking you’re ferrying a basketball team into the city.
