#lav logs

[purple-steven]

"I miss my dad. I miss everyone back home. It seems like everything is changing without me and I'm not ready for it to change."

"at home I could at least... Choose when it could change. Make a decision myself. Here? Here, it's more... Forced. I don't have a choice in the matter. Everyone else is changing and is ready for a new chapter but I'm still here. Left behind."

"I might start reading again. So many books here... I have read quite a couple, actually. Some interesting ones. None that particularly stand out to me though."

"...I wonder if there's anyone back home that missed me. Or if it's like... Time has paused for them?"

"I wonder if any of them have even realised I'm gone"

"it would be kinda fucked if they didn't though"

"I wouldn't be surprised oddly enough. I don't think I made THAT much of a difference."

"maybe it's time for me to change. but i don't think I'm ready to accept that just yet"

[purple-steven]

"been a while since I've... Written anything in here"

"suppose I just haven't had anything worth to say"

"I've cleaned up the library. Properly organised it and everything. Even got some new books in there, like series and things."

"my room is still an absolute tip, but... Well, I'll tackle that some other day."

"if we're talking about how I've been..."

"..."

"I don't really... Know."

"the issue is I haven't really given myself to think"

"I felt like my brain has been switched off for a bit. I remember the things I've done and what I've been doing, but I haven't really been thinking while I've done it."

"looking over the old entries again as well is... Sort of enlightening."

"shows me how I can change for the better."

"hopefully I can change for the better."

"at least, I'm trying to."

[purple-steven]

"what's left of me?"

"I don't know what to do anymore"

"no one is here to talk to and I'm here"

"alone"

"no one but Ender and Ender and Ender and"

"FUCKING ENDER"

" "

"these last couple of weeks have easily been some of the most agonising experiences I've had and I think that's fucking saying something."

[purple-steven]

"I've always wondered"

"who am I to everyone else around me?"

"am I good? Bad? Do they consider me pitiful? What do you think of me? Who do you think I am? Who am I to you?"

" "

"are you happy you met me? Or have I made it all worse?”

[purple-steven]

"I've been writing in this less and less recently"

"I've kinda been a mess"

"cooped up in the library... Just me and my own thoughts"

"which end up being not my own thoughts. But it's whatever"

"I've become more skeptical about sharing my feelings and whatever recently"

"I'm becoming closed off again basically"

"can already hear them saying "ohhh you can talk to us!!" and all that bullshit"

" "

"that was mean. i don't want Ender to rub off on me"

"I guess I've just... Become a lot more upset, basically."

"and I'll never live it down because of... well, you know who."

"great. fucking love my life."

"it drives me insane hearing him all day every day but sometimes i can't help but agree"

"he always tends to establish all my flaws and re-enforce all my hatred for myself"

"it's. g r e a t." /s

[purple-steven]

"I feel alone"

"Probably because I am but"

"I don't know how to explain it"

"it feels like a haze"

"when was the last time i did something?"

"it's pathetic"

"how long have i been wallowing in guilt and why can't i ever stop?"

[purple-steven]

"I feel like... I haven't been here"

"as in I haven't been... Emotionally present or something"

"I know I'm here. I... Exist"

"but it felt like I've been absent in my own life for a while"

"I don't know if I liked it better that way"

"I didn't... Feel as much, I don't think"

"it kinda feels like an overwhelming crash of emotions and I wish I could go back to not feeling again"

[purple-steven]

"been keeping to myself more and more recently"

"I mean it's not like I've been getting any better. Just been getting worse"

"Ender hasn't shut up. nothing I'm not used to"

"I guess it's being alone that keeps hurting"

"but that's my fault again, isn't it?"

"I should start going out more. stop whining all the goddamn time"

"I miss everyone"

"I don't know where they all are"

"but it gets so... Quiet"

"I feel lonely. A lot."

"sometimes it feels as though I'm the only one left. but that's a scary thought. I don't like to think about it."

"I don't want to be alone here"