#lavanda speaks

[heardatmedschool]

Umm… hi?

I am sorry for being absent for so long. Although I’ve had a lot of free time, I guess I was kind of shying away from this blog because it’s a reminder that I eventually have to come back to reality.

Many things have happened. Mainly, I am officially a doctor (!!!). That feels crazy. I finished all my exams in December, after 6 years of medical school.

December and January were crazy, putting together a lot of documents, CVs, interviews.

I could have worked during the summer. There’s plenty of job offers, and pay is good, but I won’t get a chance to rest for at least 6 more years.

I am officially starting my Pediatrics Residency in April. I am very nervous. I’ll be the youngest by far (most interns will be older than me) and in an unfamiliar hospital and university, with no one from my alma mater. It’s an amazing residency, and, of course, I am not sure if I am good enough for it, or will be able to adapt.

I will also have to pay back my residency in a town outside of the city I live and study in. Thanfully, it will only be 3 years, and I have (distant) family there.

I am not sure about what to do with this blog. The idea of it was born during my 2nd embriology lecture, in my first year, 2019, because the lecturer was kind of insane (in a good way). With time, it almost became a diary, a way to preserve different moments that I would otherwise forget, and it also chronicles what I have learned and gone through. Should I keep doing that?

I still have some quotes that I can queue from my last rotation as an intern (Psych). Should I post them? Should I keep posting new quotes that I’ll definitely hear/say during this new stage of my life? Should I change its name?

I am honestly at crossroads here. And I don’t really have answes.

Have a great day.

- Lavanda

[heardatmedschool]

[ANNOUNCEMENT]

As I said before, I am currently just starting my residency. This means that there are a lot of changes and new stressors for me.

Currently, my intention is to continue this blog (although with a name change), but I will take a hiatus until I can find my pace in my new environment, and also have enough quotes to make a queue.

Thank you so much for your understanding.

See ya!

[heardatmedschool]

Update: thanks to (booster) vaccination, my anti-Hepatitis B antibodies are now positive.

I will still complete a new scheme (3 doses + 1 booster), but I can now proceed as (almost) normal.

If [University]’s web page starts working again, that’s it.

[heardatmedschool]

I am currently in my “very stressed because of final exams, paperwork and residency admissions and I am scared of the future” era.

[heardatmedschool]

My Hep B antibodies are non-reactive.

I feel like my world is crumbling down.

I probably won’t be able to work or seek a residency next year. Not even do research or self-financed internships, which could help me going fowards.

This was my ONE chance in a lifetime to do it via the Ministry’s financing (which is economically and job-security-wise the safest way to do it).

I wish I could go back in time and just tell my 19-year old self to just vaccinate again instead of measuring antibodies (they were reactive back then).

I am so grateful that I have a family that economically and emotionally support me through this, but I am also so frustrated because I have lost so many opportunities that I’ll never get again just because something relatively small.

[heardatmedschool]

Guess who’s back?

[heardatmedschool]

Today’s post is going to be a remembrance one.

To those who felt that they had no other choice:

- To XX. I didn’t get to know you, yet I see you everyday in your classmates. I am sorry that you felt alone. You have inspired many positively, I hope you know that

- To XX. You had so much love to give to others. I am sorry that someone who only ever wanted to help was left helpless. When did teaching become harrasment?

- To XX. Will you become a symbol? Will your name be forgotten, as some many have, for decades? I hate that it has to take something like your case to help the public visualize what’s the reality. Why did we let it get to this point?

To those who were taken by chance:

- To XX. You gave me hope that there was humanity in places where I’d only seen darkness. You were my mentor, my protector, my friend. Not only your friends and family, but your community and your patients still miss you. Thank you so much for everything.

- To XX. I hope you knew how much your coworkers appreciated you. I hope that you were able to give your family as much love as you wanted. I respect you immensely.

- To XX. You symbolized something huge to many communities. But you were more than that. You were a person with a bright future and a kind soul. Your friends love you, and are hoping that all the work you did doesn’t go to waste.

And to those who are still here:

- To XX. Thank you for teaching me that there’s a much bigger iceberg that the surface. I hope you never lose your smile. I love you, friend.

- To XX. I hate that it took your case to make people outside of this medium to realise how inhumane things are. You should have never suffered what you did. I hope that you are always sunrounded by people that love and appreciate you

- To XX I hope you are living a happy and fulfilling life outside of Medicine. I hope that you can bloom doing something that you love.

[heardatmedschool]

Sorry for not posting. I actually do have quotes, but obgyn has me burned out.

OB was fine, but it was very time consuming.

GYN is…. Let’s just say that some attendings are insufferably prideful AND should go back to school.