#lawschooldiaries

[revisedbellacode]

Blind Curve

I took a deep breath, count backwards to 10….9….8….7…. as everything goes black. I woke up 48 hours later with nasty needles planted through my veins. I tried to speak but no voice came out. I figured that they had to poke a hole in my neck to help me breathe—just like what happened on the first surgery.

It makes me wonder why of all people, why does it have to be me? Statistically speaking, 1 in every 10 women is affected by the polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) — and there I was, carrying such, the only difference is that I’m one of those who got the worst type, there was a huge mass that has to be removed. Before the second surgery, I was anxious. I can’t calm down at all. What if I don’t wake up? What about my dreams of becoming a lawyer? What about my future? All those questions took a huge toll on my mental health. It seems like it all ends here. It was not something I saw coming this year.

Thankfully, despite my weird reaction to anesthesia, I woke up. The post-op is the worst. Everything hurts. I feel like mush that can’t even do the basic routine I used to do. One of the advice that was given to me was to stay away from stress triggers.

You see, life is precious. It trickles like the grains of sand in an hourglass. It moves forwards, never back. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second is just another step towards death. Pain, both fleeting and long, only signifies that I’m alive. 

[revisedbellacode]

The Tower-XVI

Upright: sudden upheaval, broken pride, disaster, 

Reversed: disaster avoided, delayed disaster, fear of suffering

Major Arcana Series

They say that Tarot cards follow the flow of time; now let me riddle you this, do you believe in fatalism?

I shuffled my tarot deck and decided to draw one card per week. Whatever card appears, respective to its position, I will write and associate my thoughts about such.

Today the card I draw was the tower in reversed position.

Over a month ago, our professor asked us why we decided to go to Law School during my legal ethics class. As always, I was the first one to be called. I introduced myself like normal and gave my generic answer concerning why I pursued this difficult, life-changing course.

But here's the twist, our professor wanted to know our deep whys. It caught me off guard. It was a question that I never saw coming. Now there I go trying to defend the generic answer I gave, which made me start to stutter. So I said, I'll figure it out.

That's a difficult question to ask if one is not ready to hear my answer; you see, I was never an open book. I'm at my most vulnerable with the people I trust. That's why you can only fuck me over once, and after that, you're dead to me. The phrase "for old times' sake" never applied to me.

For the longest time, I never knew how to protect myself. I've always been the prey that predators feast on. As of writing, I am diagnosed with PTSD and depression. What compelled me is when these predators hurt the people I love and watch them suffer. At that point, I decided out of self-love. I will not be anyone's victim anymore. Hence, I took a gamble and pursued the course.

My "deep why" still lies here somewhere. I can't say it all here. Maybe someday, I'll be that person who makes a statement.

[chaysiithoughts]

Quarantine Rants or Realizations (No. 2) -- 4th week.

Okay so the no classes is now on it’s 4th week and the urge to be lazy every single day is getting stronger than ever. You see, the future is legit uncertain and we do not know what will happen or what’s waiting for us there. This time around, I’m really wondering how will our issues be addressed especially for us law students. First, we have a lot of pending assigned readings or tasks to do. Second, we have a pending midterm exam. Third, midterm grades are not yet released. Fourth, how about finals? And the list goes on and on. 

Considering that some of us, if not all, are not the bright students of our batch, we know fully well that we are in dire need of finals to redeem ourselves back. So honestly, I am really bothered by my performance last midterms and I’m bothered that most of my midterm grades actually flunked. Am I being too pessimistic? I don’t know. It’s just that, I already had a lot of disappointments in law school and I have no idea how to calm my self and focus in reaching that goal. At times, when disappointment strikes me, I tend to just brush it off my shoulder and be the happy go lucky girl pretending that it didn’t hit me hard. 

Until now, I’m doubtful if I’m at the right path. I just convince myself that maybe it is normal to feel this most of the time. But it is really bothering me. Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel? Shall I continue to move further without any idea how do I survive this? Is this really what I like? Is it worth it?

[chaysiithoughts]

AYOKO NA.

Simula nung pumasok ako sa law school last August 2018, wala yatang araw na di ko sinabi yan o di ko naisip mga salitang yan. Literal na araw-araw ka nalang mapapa “Ayoko na”. Yung kahit lagi mong sinasabing ayaw mo na, lumalaban ka pa din. Iba ito. Kung nung undergrad napaka agresibo ko pang lumaban at maging competitive, ngayon sa law school mapapatiklop ka nalang, mapapa shut up ka nalang e, at magpapakabobo ka nalang kesa magmagaling kasi legit naman talagang wala akong kaalam alam. Oo, bobo na kung bobo. Pero ang bobo ko kasi talaga e, literal. Hahahaha!

Una sa lahat, di ko din alam bakit ko ito pinasok. Lalong lalo na hindi ko din alam kung bakit ko ito pinangarap. Lumipas ang isang sem na hindi ko alam saan ako dadalhin ng lecheng pangarap na ito. Nung una, sobrang pinapangarap ko ito, pero nung andun na ako, sht pwede bang bumack out? Lol. Kaso wala na e, andun na ako, wala nang atrasan. Talunan ko naman masyado kung maggive up ako agad? Sabi ko nga diba ita-try ko lang. Subok lang ba, baka sakali naman dito ko na mahanap ang sarili ko. Kaso ang labas, law school ang sumubok sa akin. Lalo ako na-lost at nawala sa landas. Hahaha legit.

So wala ako nagawa kundi lumaban lang kahit parang wala na ako pinaglalaban sa mga recit ko, sa mga quiz scores ko, sa mga exam scores at lalong lalo na sa mga lagapak kong grades. Tae, first year first sem palang dude, nagka grade na ako ng 73, bagsak haha and worst of them all, may grade ako na 68. Taragis. Walang halong biro. Hahaha. Walang invalidation keme na ganap. Yun na yun talaga grade ko. Nun palang, gusto ko na itigil ang kahibangan ko na ito. Pero wala na e, andito na ako e so ituluy tuloy ko nalang. So ayun nga, bumagsak ako sa subject na nagbigay sa akin ng karumal dumal na 68 na grade. Para akong mababaliw, ineexpect ko na siya pero di pa pala ako prepared. First time to experience a failing grade. First time to experience repeating a subject because I failed the first time. Never ko naexperience ‘toh sa college life ko kahit gaano kahirap din ng kurso ko nung college. Ewan ko ba kasi bakit di pa ako nakuntento sa hirap na dinanas ko nung college at nagpost grad pa ako para maranasan ulit yung hirap na yun. Martyrdom at its finest? 

Ewan ko na din talaga. Law school is hell. Law school is ruining me. But I don’t know why I chose to stay. Maybe I’m holding on to that tiny bit of faith that maybe someday, I will gladly know the reason why I chose to stay.

[chaysiithoughts]

From Yellow worksheets to Yellow pad papers

I used to handle any number written on that yellow worksheets before. Any number that could degrade me, that could disappoint me, and that could either make me happy or sad the entire day. I was that so strong, so motivated. I used to have that kind of momentum.

But a sudden shift from yellow worksheets to yellow pad papers is sh*t!

Dude, what happened to me? Huh, I’ve been used to the traditional “minus 20” and the horrors of “invalidation” but the horrors of the only number written on that yellow pad paper is different. It huurtsss.

Are my efforts not enough? Huhuhu. Maybe. Do I deserve it? Huhuhu. Maybe.

But one thing is for sure, that number written on that crappy yellow pad paper does not define me as a person, and as a first year law student.

I know this is just the start of the many more crappy pad papers and the shittiest notebooks to come.

[chaysiithoughts]

Last Monday, I flunked my major exam in law school.

Yepp, you got it right. I’m a first year law student.

I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But yes, I’m a law student now.

It’s cool. It’s amazing. With all the hearsays about the legal profession. Very deceiving.

But again, I think I flunked way too much the deepest beyond reasonable doubt. What a great way to start my life in law school, right? Haha!

I already flunked my first quiz in this major subject. But history loves me so much that it repeated itself. Very consistent!

It’s so hard for me to admit that I opened this door for me. I opened this possibility of facing the toughest battle in my life.

Fighting for what you think is right. Fighting for what seems like forever. Fighting without knowing what you’re fighting for. Fighting but with the littlest hope.

It’s a battle between life and death, a battle between your dreams and your disasters...

Good job, self. And welcome to law school.

[pleindeviex]

just wanna let this out of my mind

06/25/18 a heartbreaking story. it is when our c/onst/i grade came out 

if only i studied harder, did my best, not slacked off, became not too confident, and stopped being mediocre, I would’ve gotten a higher grade :---( it was my fave subj and the prof was also my fave but I got a srsly low grade (although I passed). I’m having so much regret rn and I just wish he’ll be my prof again to be able to redeem myself. 

I’M SO SAD

but hey, I guess I’m staying for my 2nd yr <3 tyL