that chaysii feeling over and over again

Chaysii | tumbliiing since 07 May 2010 | CPA as of Oct 2015 | something good will happen @ 22 | and more great things will happen @ 23 | always believe that something wonderful is about to happen @ 24 | still holding on to that dream @ 25 | for the love of CT @ 26 |  incoming senior law stud @ 27

[chaysiithoughts]

There are songs that suddenly pop into our mind when we wake up in the morning. Previously, the song that I suddenly remembered upon waking up in the morning was Statue by Lil Eddie. Ilang araw and linggo din ako naLSS sa kantang toh. Yung lyrics pa nito, ewan ko ba.

There are also certain lines in a song that we suddenly remember upon waking up in the morning. To my surprise, this line in the song Enchanted by Taylor Swift was in my head when I woke up this morning:

“My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again.” 👀

Lord, why these songs and why these lines and lyrics… 👀👀👀

[chaysiithoughts]

just another drafts no more thingy

I came across this tweet I posted 7 years while browsing timehop. I am so sleepy at the moment as I really decided to sleep than to force myself to read and study transfer taxation.

So here’s my thoughts about this tweet:

I can feel the hatred in it, the grudge, the heartache, and the pain. If only acceptance and forgiveness prevailed, rather than letting my emotions took over that time, maybe I would have not posted this.

I understand the hurt and all that. “Tapos na yun” — these words are just so unacceptable as an explanation to justify all the pain that this person caused me. Words are not just words. They could mean anything and as extreme as they can be, they definitely affect a person’s well being.

This person is just so utterly cruel and I hate the fact that he became a part of my past. But maybe that’s just how life is. We just have to meet and deal with a cruel person to teach us the real life lesson that we deserve. 

[chaysiithoughts]

Dear 8 years ago self,

Hello there! You look so tired and struggling. But why do you look so happy and (according to you) CONTENTED? Wow! I wish I have the same energy as you. That urge, the motivation, and the fighting spirit to keep going on with life.

Today, I dread the weekend (even the weekdays, actually). I cannot anymore focus and concentrate on my studies. I do not have the same positive energy as you and the aggressiveness every time I stumble and fall along the way.

I like it that you have big dreams and your thirstiness for success is overwhelming. I love it that you always have the time to pat your self and celebrate every small wins. Then you strive for more small wins and aspire for achieving big wins. You do not fear that in every win, there is always a lose or a failure as a counterpart.

I also like it that despite the tired eyes, I cannot see all the worries and doubts in your eyes. The self doubts are there, but the positive energy you have refutes all the worries and doubts. I love the eagerness in your eyes, the excitement you feel when you think about the future, the happiness you have in the present, and the contentment you have for all the things that happened in the past.

I wish I have the same positive energy as you, the inspiration you have, the motivation, and the fighting spirit you have in dealing with all the adversities that life throws at you.

Truly, as I grow older, I tend to forget how I was as a person back then. There are so many things that happened in the past 8 years that sometimes I fail to acknowledge and recognize who I really was and who I really am as a person.

I am still the same person as you. However, the experiences I had sometimes make me forget to appreciate all the things I have done and achieved in the past. No matter how much my perspectives in life have changed, I just want to thank you for living the life you’ve always wanted, the life that you know is the best for you.

Wherever you are, please come back to me today. I badly need that positive energy. In case I see you again in the future, I will not lose you again, I promise.

Happiness and contentment, please come see me again.

Love,

Your 26 (almost turning 27) year old self.

[poemswords]

[chaysiithoughts]

Valentine special

Okay so here goes our “Valentine special post” again.

I was and will always be a fan of Valentine’s. To be honest, I (used to and) will always be a believer of Pre-valentine’s, Valentine’s, and Post-valentine’s. It’s really so nice to have a couple of days in a year to remember that love, as vague as it seems, is so magical and powerful.

As a person whose been single for years, Valentine’s day is not a special day. Though, I’m happy seeing my friends happy with their partners. Seriously. I’ve been over those bitter stages of life already. I’m just really happy seeing sweet posts and cheesy photos and messages all over soc med this Valentine’s day. People are already getting married, getting engaged, and having their babies! I’m in awe.

However, a lot of my friends still wonder why I still do not have a ‘jowa’. Ooppsiee. No biggie for me that I still don’t have a partner. And while I understand my friends’ concerns, sometimes I always thought why do they have to always pressure me when it comes to my relationship status. Surely, we’re getting old already. But is getting older a justification to just have a jowa already for the sake of having a jowa? Hmm..

True enough, I’ve become so independent that maybe I’m considering the idea of just being single if the right one for me doesn’t show up. Lol. I don’t know if my standards are too high or that I just don’t know how to make landi? Or prolly because no one bothers to make landi me? Regardless, I’m still single and I think I have nothing to worry about being single.

Happy Valentine’s day to everyone, including the people from my past and the people in the future!

To my future: I hope you’re fine and still fighting with life. Stay strong and I can’t wait to know you and see how a beautiful human you are! ;)

[chaysiithoughts]

Sudden realizations

It all started in 2017 when the Supreme Court of the Philippines released the results of the 2016 bar examination. To be honest, I was in awe and got really amazed by the highest national passing rate of 59% in the history of bar examination. The bar exams, no doubt, is considered as one of the toughest licensure examination in the Philippines. 

Since HS, I have this weird dream of becoming a lawyer someday. No reason. Maybe I just admire lawyers or people called “attorneys”. It is a profession I’ve always wanted since I was a kid. Not to mention the feeling of amazement while watching law related shows. Undoubtedly, I’ve been so curious of the legal profession as a kid.

So back to 2017, I was already a licensed CPA that time and I’m currently employed with my first ever employer. I like my job that time but the stress and pressure are too much. Also, work bffs are beginning to leave that time. Thus, even though I got attached to the job already (I was indeed an expert to the job according to my team lead), the people (especially my bosses), and the friendly environment (except those who try to put me down), I have opted to tender my resignation and sought greener pastures, with high hopes of finally realizing my law school dream. 

Unfortunately, I was such a coward that time because 2 months after my last day with my first employer, I got my second job as an audit analyst in a famous firm in the country. In short, I did not enter law school even if I took the time to inquire in one of the law schools here in Baguio. I enjoyed my second job until the first half of 2018 but the stress I felt was too much compared to the stress I felt with my first job. I did not like the work environment in the corporate world. It sucks. It really sucks to the point that I was being bullied by my seniors already. I don’t know why but my guess is maybe it is just the toxic Filipino culture of jealousy when someone new receives a higher wage because of the experience as compared to the tenured employees. I hate it. I hate the people, I do not like the bosses. I do not like the mentality of the people especially bosses, so I just really needed an escape away from that place. I got sick and tired of the corporate world (the work mentality in the firm is worth mentioning) -- and this has always been one of my many reasons for leaving my second job in the firm.

With no more options left, I decided to finally enter law school. One reason that pushed me to enter law school is that when I was at the peak of deciding to leave my second job, I took the PHILSAT and luckily I passed -- what an achievement, self! This is it. This is the only escape goat I can think of: a bittersweet escape away from the city life; away from the cursed city; away from Manila life; and away from the corporate world. 

August 2018 when I was again a freshie in my alma mater. I was already pursuing further studies; I was already in post grad; and wow! Yes, I was already in law school. I cannot believe it. 

Time flies so fast. Now, it is already 2021 and I’m already a 3rd year law student. I still couldn’t believe my decisions in life. I cannot deny that today I am still so lost and I’m still scared of the uncertainties in this field. But life has brought me here already and I think one should already be proud of surpassing almost 3 years in law school. The road is tough but dear self, thank you for keeping up and for fighting even if you are really not sure if it is worth fighting for.

While typing this text post, my enrolment for the second semester is still conditional. The anxiety is keeping me up at night. These uncertainties are so scary with all the happenings around the world. 

Up to this point, I pray to God for favorable results in Civil Procedure. I am still crossing my fingers. I am appealing to all things holy to please give us a favorable result that we deserve. Lord, I am putting all my trust in you. Always.

With that, I end this post.

Xoxo, Chaysii

[chaysiithoughts]

A plea to all things Holy...

I am so disappointed with myself right now I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing in my life right now.

“Lord, is this really for me?”

“Do I really have a future in law school?”

“Lord, is lawyering really for me?”

“I want this, but sometimes I’m not sure if I’m happy with it.”

“Should I just give up?”

“Is it too late for me to go back?”

So many thoughts are running through my mind right now. I am just so disappointed and frustrated right now. I am really lost and I don’t know if I’m at the right path at this point of my life. I feel so pressured. 

It pains me to realize sometimes that I haven’t even achieved something to be proud of in my life. I’m already a 26 year old who still lives with her parents. I have no stable job. Yet here I am, still trying to push my self to the limit in law school. I want to love the law but I already have so many traumas with it.

The law now scares me. I like studying it but why does it feel like it does not like me back? I’m already a third year student. I have been through this for two years already and I don’t know why is it so hard this time.

Why is it that of all the subjects I enrolled this sem, Taxation is my most dreaded subject? Like I like that I am studying it right now. I enjoy all the accounting related matters but why is it so hard on me? I don’t know if it is just because of my Professor.

I really wanted to look up at my Prof because I have been dreaming of becoming like her someday ever since college. But Lord, why? Why is she so hard on us? Why do I get the feeling that she likes us to fail? That I don’t even have a future in Taxation.

Years ago, after the CPALE, I was so glad that I got a good grade in BLT. I always fear Taxation but I did not expect it to be like this. Bakit parang nasa BAR na kami? Lord, bakit puro BAR nalang naririnig ko sa Prof ko? Why is her approach like this? It is so scary. She’s too perfect and it is so hard to please her, Lord. What scares me the most is she is our Dean.

I have nothing against her. I really wanted to like her and look up to her, but why is she like this, Lord? Bakit po ganito ang epekto nya sakin, sa amin? I’m starting to develop a fear of her. She’s so scary now that I don’t know how will I enjoy her subject.

Please, Lord, please enlighten her mind. Please give us the strength to deal with her this finals. I don’t know how will I survive finals. But please, Lord, enlighten her so that she would not be so harsh on us and that I hope she becomes more considerate and more compassionate enough towards us.

I want to hear beautiful words from her, Lord. I don’t want to hate her. I want to like her as our Dean and my Prof. I don’t know how. I just really hope that she becomes the leader, the boss, the Dean, the Prof , and the mentor that everyone else will look up to. I hope she becomes that approachable as a mentor, not the overly intimidating and scary mentor.

Please, Lord, help us overcome this semester. Help me to finish this course and this degree STRONG.

-- Written by a struggling law student during this virtual world of law schooling. :’(

[poemswords]

[chaysiithoughts]

ORDINARY.

Since I’m bored and I have so much time to procrastinate than to study for my short term online class, I have developed this weird hobby (during the lockdown days) of downloading my data on my social media accounts, may it be all my tweets, direct messages, photos, posts, or even facebook personal messages. So when I’m bored, I read past messages just for fun. Just now, I came across a convo with my friend way back August 2013. I was telling her the story of how someone (quasi)broke up with me. And funny because I was reminded of these words:  

 "Ordinary days. Na parang wala nalang sa akin, makausap man kita o hindi." 

And wow, imagine someone you love telling this to you. These words are too much to handle. I cannot imagine my mental stability and emotional stability at that time. I was a 4th year BS Accountancy student at that time. Imagine that! This is too much! Being emotionally broken at that time, I know I had to undergo being mentally and physically broken too.

Sometimes, words are just too much to handle and they could hurt way too much. I know there is this cliche saying ‘actions speak louder than words’, but sometimes, words are so powerful that it can either break you or uplift you. In my case, those words emotionally devastated me. And it’s no joke. That was a hell of an emotional shift, it was not a roller coaster ride of emotion, but rather, I think it was more of an emotional fall. I went from being so high of excitement and happiness of seeing that person again after a long time but then he literally took me down the hell of brokenness. 

Just imagine that. How strong I was that time to deal with those hurtful words? I don’t know how, but you go girl! But how can someone so cruel say this to you? I mean, how can someone use words such as ordinary to describe that kind of relationship you built for years? From being so close to being naah ours is just ‘ordinary’ so bye I already forgot you, just like that? Wow, like how fast is that? Is this some kind of a joke? 

I’m not saying this because he could’ve treated me so special enough but I cannot just tolerate the word ‘ordinary’. Yeah, I can be ordinary but maybe I can be the best kind of ordinary on my own little ways, right? So how dare you. Ordinary, huh? 

Remember that in this world, we do not tolerate things such as ordinary class or special class because how discriminating that could be. Well and good if I’m just ordinary to you but remember that this ordinary citizen can hit rock-bottom too and be as the same level as you. After all, we are all humans who deserve to be treated like extra-ordinary human-beings living here on Earth. 

So yes, lesson learned again from way back that WORDS are not just words. Words are meant to be said to express and using words may be abusive and entitling. So sometimes, it is better to know when to use such proper words because you never know how can words affect someone. If you’re a ditch like this person who said those words to me, then so be it. Live your life like that and I wonder where will that take you. Because in life, it’s so much better to be kind and good. Kind words can take you to places. Kind words let you meet the best people who will stay as your friends no matter what. Because YOU are just so EXTRA-ORDINARY in your own ways and no one can take that away from you.

[chaysiithoughts]

Quarantine Rants or Realizations (No. 4) -- 26 May 2020

First time to go out since the lockdown. And guess what, I was struggling to drink my milktea w/ my mask on and of course, the social distancing. Hahaha!

Going out just to pass my school requirements. For the love of Labor Relations. 💓 So I actually went to court today. Lol.

And because I bought a rim of bond paper — just imagine holding that and feeling so thirsty and it was raining.

So yes, I guess this is the new normal.

[chaysiithoughts]

Quarantine Rants or Realizations (No. 3) -- A week before final exams

We are not giving up on that dream, right? I know it’s hard. It’s brutal. It’s cruel. And it’s chaos. But sometimes, when we want something, we chase it. Despite the uncertainty. Despite the doubts.

Maybe because we have nowhere else to go. So we rather hold on to the belief that we have these dreams for a long time, and maybe it’s just about time to do something about it than regretting not doing anything about it for the rest of our life.

After all, we are all dreamers. Reality often fails us, but our dreams keep us alive.

[chaysiithoughts]

Quarantine Rants or Realizations (No. 2) -- 4th week.

Okay so the no classes is now on it’s 4th week and the urge to be lazy every single day is getting stronger than ever. You see, the future is legit uncertain and we do not know what will happen or what’s waiting for us there. This time around, I’m really wondering how will our issues be addressed especially for us law students. First, we have a lot of pending assigned readings or tasks to do. Second, we have a pending midterm exam. Third, midterm grades are not yet released. Fourth, how about finals? And the list goes on and on. 

Considering that some of us, if not all, are not the bright students of our batch, we know fully well that we are in dire need of finals to redeem ourselves back. So honestly, I am really bothered by my performance last midterms and I’m bothered that most of my midterm grades actually flunked. Am I being too pessimistic? I don’t know. It’s just that, I already had a lot of disappointments in law school and I have no idea how to calm my self and focus in reaching that goal. At times, when disappointment strikes me, I tend to just brush it off my shoulder and be the happy go lucky girl pretending that it didn’t hit me hard. 

Until now, I’m doubtful if I’m at the right path. I just convince myself that maybe it is normal to feel this most of the time. But it is really bothering me. Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel? Shall I continue to move further without any idea how do I survive this? Is this really what I like? Is it worth it?

[poemswords]

[thepersonalquotes]

[chaysiithoughts]

Quarantine Rants or Realizations (No. 1) -- 17 days.

I have not been going to school for 17 days already. And surprisingly, I wake up everyday feeling great that I got no recits to worry about. No exams or quizzes to worry about. Since the sem started, I’ve been longing for this to happen, but not this kind where we experience a global fvckin’ pandemic. This crisis is really not good at all and it is alarming because it’s getting worse everyday. 

I’ve been saying this a million times and I am saying it again -- law school is no joke. This sem slapped me with this reality again. Before the quarantine, we are all actually struggling to surpass our midterm exams week. We are almost over and if not because of this quarantine, I should probably know by now how I performed during midterms. And yes, I really fear right now getting to know the results. I know it was not that good at all because I know that I did not perform well. I was really praying for midterms to end and God knows, I was not expecting for this global pandemic and this quarantine to happen.

Sometimes I wonder, why on Earth is this pandemic happening when all I am worrying about is how to survive this sem? I’m at that point of trying to convince myself that I can do it even though I know deep down inside how I am actually failing piece by piece. I hate how these subjects this sem are trying to make me feel like a fool of myself. You know, I’ve been studying them a lot, trying to keep them all in my head and pushing myself to the limit to memorize these laws and jurisprudence. And just when I thought that I have understand all of them, reality hits me hard with shitty results. 

It is frustrating. I’m tired of being such a disappointment. I’m tired of being such a failure. And the worst part is I fear, because it’s like I’m getting the hang of it. I’m confused and I cannot fathom how on Earth am I just contented of being such a failure without putting up a fight. I hate it how I just accept defeat and how I just let other people look down at me, degrade me, or demoralize me to the point that I get really sad and depressed because it’s like I cannot impress them with my knowledge, my abilities or my capabilities. I mean, who do they think they are, right? 

I don’t care whoever you are -- you may be a friend, a classmate, a professor, a boss, a colleague, a Dean or even the President of the Republic of the Philippines. I don’t care because for all we know, no one has the right to define who we really are. That fvckin’ quiz score, that fvckin’ grade, that fvckin’ failed exam do not define who we really are or what will we be in the future. It does not determine our life. And most importantly, we should not let anyone or anything keep us from reaching our goals and dreams in life.

No one can ever tell me or show me that I’m not worthy of being a lawyer someday, right? My only wish and prayer during this quarantine period (aside from this global pandemic to end and for the world to heal) is to have the strength and guts to surpass the shitty process and the looooong road of becoming a good and deserving attorney someday. 

Lord, if I got what it takes, please let me, help me and guide me all throughout. Amen. 

[chaysiithoughts]

UN-DRAFT

Okay, hindi ko na kinakaya ung mga nasa drafts ko. Tindi ng emosyon. Di ko kinakaya. Ganun pala talaga ako nasaktan noon? Kaya siguro takot na takot na ako ngayon? HAHAHAHA! 

As we all know, we should not live in the past. So I’ve decided na wag na magungkat ng mga drafts. Manatili nalang sya sa drafts. Di ko na kayang mag un-draft. Ehe

[chaysiithoughts]

WAS/IS

Too much realizations. Too much deep thoughts. Too much regrets. Too much questions. And too much pain it’s causing me. What did I do to deserve this? I was left hanging. They said, if you truly care for a person, you will never left him/her hanging. So maybe, he never truly cared for me at all? Am I that crazy and stupid to believe that he cares for me? When really, he was just only taking me for granted? I didn’t even know. I was unaware. The heck!! But really, he was so perfect for me. Little did I know that in a blink of an eye, he’ll be gone. That he’ll leave me. I’m still hurt. I don’t know if he still feels the same way for me just like what he told me and showed me before. I don’t like to let my self believe that he still is the same person I still love. I know he’s not the same anymore. He changed a lot. I don’t know him anymore. He’s not the same anymore. I’m in love with the person he was. I’m still in love with that person even tho that person isn’t as good looking as he is now. I don’t care. I want the way he was before. That’s the person I truly love. But the person he is now? No, I don’t like that person. Because that person is causing me so much pain until now. It hurts. I don’t think I would ever want to see that person again. Nor talk to him. Never. I hate him for hurting me too much. For leaving me. For leaving me hanging. I don’t deserve this. To hell with the person he is now. A coward. A coward for giving up on me so easily. A coward for not holding on to someone that will fight for him ‘till the very end. It hurts so much to pretend that I’m fine that I’m okay that I’ve moved on. When in fact, I’m still blinded by the idea of having the person he was by my side. I don’t know why I couldn’t forget the person he was. I love that person. And I don’t think I could ever forget that person. I will never love a man the way I loved that person he was. Never. That person will always have a place in my heart. Forever.

#DraftsNoMore

gh0rl, I’m surprised that I can write this way years ago? HAHAHAHA you okay my years ago, self? You’re crazy HAHAHAHHAA