I'll protect you, even if you don't want me to.
It’s always taken a lot to make her angry. Beneath her skin,beneath the years of training and restrained emotions and even the ones shedoesn’t realise she has, there’s always been a deep-rooted anger. It’ssomething that’s been there since she was young, and it was always paired withher fear. Fear and anger were the dichotomy by which she lived – albeitunknowingly. They were emotions so base and omnipresent that it was almost asif they weren’t there; so while she largely remained aloof and emotionallyvacant in many aspects, that baseline was something she never quite noticed.It’s only when her anger flared and was brought to the surface that Kelly wascapable of feeling everything that she had long repressed. It’s overwhelming,how consuming her anger is.
“ No. ” She snaps, her lips curling into thebarest snarl. “ I won’t allow it. ” Her tone is decisive and sharp, onlyslightly louder than usual, and she feels her fingers curling into fists at herside as she struggles to remain still and regain her composure. There is somuch that she wants to say to Shepard, but words are failing her, just as theyalways do, and it’s irritating that she is so incapable of expressing a realthought of hers. If she were better at holding conversations and explainingherself entirely, maybe she wouldn’t be in this deadlock with Matthias rightnow. Gritting her teeth, Kelly bites her tongue and forces her scowl to smoothinto the characteristic flat line that is commonplace on her face.
She doesn’t have the words to explain why she doesn’t wanthim to protect her, and that’s a frustration which only compounds her angerinto outright rage. There was too much to say, and there was no way she couldpossibly think of to say it – and besides that, she had already decided thatshe would run this OP solo. Nobody could change her mind.
Not even him.
Her gaze drops to the floor, and Kelly glowers at her feetas she only bites her tongue harder, until she tastes blood welling in hermouth. Shepard was too important. Both to the galaxy, and herself. Out ofeveryone, he had to know that fact best; there was constant pressure on him,from the Alliance, from the Counsel, from Cerberus– (she feels as if she could spit at the thought of that disgusting name) – allof them needed him. All of them depended on him. He was too important. Ifanyone would be able to resolve this war, there’s no doubt in her mind that he’dbe able to save the galaxy .. much like he saved her.
Of course she hadn’t thought of it as being “saved” then.She remembers distinctly the helplessness she had felt back on that station,stranded alone with nothing but the dead for company. Memories of her friend’s mangledcorpses fill her vision and for a moment she loses her breath as she all atonce comes to the realisation of what this emotion is: Panic. She’s panickingat the thought of losing him. Not because it would surely mean the death ofbillions of lifeforms, but because shewould lose him. And she was so tired of losing. Her nails dig into her palmsand her teeth briefly grasp at her bottom lip as she struggles to retain hercalm. Anger, fear, panic – his simple sentence had dredged up so many emotionswith her that she didn’t know how to handle, couldn’t handle. All she knows is that she absolutely cannot lose him, and she especially won’tallow him to put his life on the line for her, no matter his reasons.
If there is one thing she knows, it’s war. She was literallybred for it. She was trained for it. She lived and breathed it, and outside ofit had no reason for existence. The idea of an endless war was horrific, and athought she didn’t like to dwell on for long. Even if the end of the war meantthe end of usefulness for her life, she knows she would rather see Shepard bringpeace to the galaxy than see all that effort and all the lives end up wasted.Especially for her.
“ You’re neededelsewhere, ” she says after amoment, never bringing her gaze up from her feet. Meeting his gaze was toodifficult right now. SPARTANs don’t cry, but she feels like she wouldabsolutely burst into tears if she did. It’s not like she really knew what itfelt like to cry, but there’s some warning in her gut screaming at her, tellingher not to look at him. If she did, he’d know how desperate she felt. It’s toohard to think about; her fists loosen until her hands are suspended limply ather side.
“ I’ll be fine. Iam a capable soldier. ”
She doesn’t know why she felt the need to remind him. Thatword, “soldier”; she knows there’s something about the combination of her andthat word which he didn’t like, judging from recoil she feel him make nearlyevery time it was mentioned. But it was the truth. Kelly wasn’t a child.Honestly, she’s not sure if she ever was. Childhood was often associated withfreedom and cheerfulness, rather than the regimented way she had been reared.The military, in many senses, had been her single parent with sole custody ofher life.
The panic had begun to settle into something like an itchbeneath her skin; ever-present but untouchable. The kind of itch that scratchingwouldn’t be able to alleviate. “ I don’t need you to protect me. ” Perhaps it’s harsh – but it’s what shefeels is the honest truth. Matt’s sentiment is appreciated, definitely; thefact that he feels such a way about her – a lousy punk, for everything she’sacted like aboard the SR-2 – is something she wishes she could hold to herchest, and have the time to just soak it in.
But if there was one thing they didn’t have, it was time.
“ I am on this OP’sroster. ” A beat of silence, beforeshe feels confident enough to finally look at him. The anger had ebbed awayinto something she can only describe as resignation, but that doesn’t stop herfrom trying to lighten the mood and soften the blow. “ I can’t let you guys have all the fun without me. ”
