[2/6/2015 12:47:49 PM] Andrew: non-relationship headcanon but eve isn't mathmatically smart or like linguistically smart but she's v artistic and has a really good eye for color
[2/6/2015 12:49:18 PM] Andrew: one day just tells abel "you'd look good in smaragdine"
[2/6/2015 12:54:18 PM] Andrew: in that respect, eve can apply makeup like perfectly on anyone
she can do laz's eyeliner
she can cover up a zit/pick out the cream that'll perfectly match ur skin tone without even thinkin about it
but she almost never wears it because she doesn't care
sometimes tho lilith's like "wtf is this i cant do it" and eve gives her a makeover in like 5 minutes
Double Date {ask-abel-things, laz-the-resurrected}
"God," she said, and realized she had no idea how Eve talked her into this, "damn."
It was bad enough they had to meet in the park, along with the entire spider population in the town. It was impossible to get in without hitting at least one web, a fact that Eve described as whimsical and Laz described with screaming that usually denoted his arrival.
But then there was the issue of what to wear. Formal? Informal? She went for a blend, which meant her best worn shirt and tacky jacket, but never a dress. It was only to a place with ice cream and snacks, after all. So they said.
Lilith sat down on a bench and waited for the others to show up.
Also Titled: If TBOI characters replaced their Biblical inspiration
Also Titled: I wrote this while exhausted at midnight, forgive me
Lilith Leaves this Bloody Garden
God created the first humans, Adam and Lilith, from dirt. Lilith said to Adam, "you look kind of like a shithead. No offense."
The LORD said, "I CREATED MAN IN MY OWN IMAGE."
"What about me?" asked Lilith.
God paused, because He wasn't quite sure about that one. This was when He reached down and removed the penis from the female body.
"Oh damn it."
"NOW GET ON WITH THE CHILD-REARING AND ALL."
But Lilith wasn't tapping that; total 4 or 5 outta 10 at best. Adam didn't notice she was missing until he finished contemplating the fruit tree that God placed a 'stay away' sign on.
"Could you go get my girlfriend back?" Adam asked.
"GIRLFRIEND? YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO FIRST BASE," said the LORD unto Adam. But He sent three angels with the ridiculous names of Senoi, Sansenoi, and Sammangelof after Lilith.
All of them were bullied. In Heaven. By other angels.
In the meantime, God reached straight into Adam's chest, ribbed a rib clean out, and formed a new woman. They agreed she was kind of emo.
Abel Can't Find his Fucking Brother
Adam and the emo chick never quite hit it off, because she fell in love with Samson who had yet to be born. Instead God grew tired of waiting and sneezed Cain and Abel into existence.
There were several problems with Cain's situation. For one, the vegetables didn't cuddle with him the way Abel's fucking sheep did even though they were going to be sacrificed. For another, that fucking angel refused to turn the bright headlights off his flaming sword or at least dim them down to low beams. He blamed his eyepatch on a wicked bar fight rather than attempting to look directly into it.
Again and again, day after day, God openly showed his favoritism to Abel and his sheep. Every freckle on Abel's face was a result of God attempting to add a very tiny gold star onto the boy's cheek. Thinking quickly, Cain assembled a murder plot with three little strands of hay, a big rock, and a goose that he painted pink.
The LORD said unto Cain, "CAIN."
And Cain pretended not to hear. He said again, "CAIN."
And Cain said, "What."
"WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE."
The boy carefully considered his assortment of items before he answered, "a rock."
And the LORD did not ask again.
"Brother?! Where are you?" shouted Abel, who was unable to see Cain behind the thinnest plants in the entire Earth at that point in time. At some point the goose escaped, and scholars today are unsure how the murder would have went if it had stayed.
Cain sprang out and smashed Abel on the head with the rock.
"I don't know why people like getting stoned," remarked Abel. Then he died. Satisfied, Cain went back home.
"CAIN OF EDEN, ALMOST SON OF ADAM AND EVE, FIRST VEGETABLE-GROWER," said God.
"Just Cain's fine."
"WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER?" This was a rhetorical question, since Abel showed up while Heaven and Hell were still being furnished, so God decided to set up the first Monopoly game in the meantime (other scholars theorize it's still ongoing).
"Shit, I dunno. I guess I misplaced him," said Cain before peering into a tiny bush.
"DON'T GET SASSY WITH ME, CAIN."
Isaac Dies
Isaac died.
Lazarus Wakes the Hell Up
"I am so high right now," said Lazarus before he promptly died as well. Jesus showed up to bro out with him but came up with nothing.
"Where is Lazarus?" Jesus asked, to which Mary shrugged and said: "I dunno. He might be dead. I mean, the standard for seeing if someone's dead these days is screaming really loud and seeing if they get up."
Jesus sighed.
"Before he died, Bubby said this!" exclaimed Marhta before telling her only lord and savior spoilers for the latest hit novel.
Jesus wept.
--
They say that the smell of the corpse in the tomb was the future base for AXE body spray. Lazarus had become awfully blue; if he wasn't dead when they put him in, he was now.
"Get up," said Jesus unto Lazarus. And Lazarus did not respond. "Dad damn it, I said get the fuck up."
So he did.
Judas Strikes a Deal
"The one I kiss on the cheek is the man you want to kill and stuff," said Judas. "No homo."
That was good, because it was almost gay. Judas took his 30 coins and, as a free bonus, a poster of Stocking.
Then, Judas kissed Jesus.
"What the hell, man. Take me out to dinner f- FUCK," shouted the only lord and savior as soldiers jumped him while Judas laughed. "Dad damn it, Judas, I thought we were friends!"
Judas said, "I dunno. I mean, maybe. I really wanted that poster. Bye, fake friend."
The soldiers gave Jesus a crown of thorns. This raised his Damage stat by 1, which was enough for him to break free and escape into the wilderness.
Of all Eve's little talents (from burning slice-and-bake cookies to misremembering song lyrics and just replacing them with 'butt buttBUTTbutt BUTT'), sewing wasn't one of them. Laz appreciated this because it involved a sharp needle and he was already wary that if he stabbed himself one more time, Ber would pop out and call him a motherfucker. Then pillage a village.
Abel had scoffed and said he was skilled in knitting, thank you very much, and that did not involve quote-unquote mangling a bedsheet to look like a ghostie. It was okay the first time his requests for help got rejected and he pricked himself and he gave up and reached for his wallet before realizing yet again he didn't have one, nor money to put in it.
But no. No, no no no, not today. It wasn't okay with Lilith and that goddamned snicker whenever he messed up. It wasn't fun when he realized another hour went down the drain and Martha looked like a Klansman.
"If you hold the needle like that, of course you're gonna prick yourself," Lilith said after some uninterrupted silence. He didn't look up. "Here. Hold it like this."
Lilith's hand guiding his didn't help him so much as make him wonder when was the last time she took a shower, but that train of thought led to imagining Lilith taking a shower. Oh God, he abandoned that.
"No, just hold it like this, cockasaurus."
He grumbled, but otherwise adjusted- cockasaurus. "What the heck is a cockasaurus."
"It's what you are."
At which point he pushed her hand away and stabbed himself with the needle again. Laz yelped. "ALRIGHT," he leapt up from the chair and dwarfed Lilith by height comparison, "YOU CAN GO IN THE OTHER ROOM AND SHUT THE F-"
Martha greeted them both with her grin and ran to the sheet on the table. Her mouth formed a wide O at the costume as if the concept had never been done before and shoved aside the sewing equipment and tugged the corners of the wide sheet and, effectively, became a ghost. The sheet didn't hide her smile. "How's it look?"
"Really-"
"Cute!"
"Spooky."
"Convincing?"
"Convincing."
They turned their heads, exchanged a stare, and promptly put their hands to their cheeks and gave a mock scream. Martha giggled. "Thank you, Bubby n' Lilly!" As if they had worked together the whole time. As if they were friends.
She pulled off the costume and skipped out of the room. A moment passed before her footsteps faded to another part of the house.
