#lazybulette

[majorasnightmare]

△ Dirge, Dirge, Dirge... What would it take for him to admit to someone else that he is not fine/ok?

// Bulette

HI HIII @lazybulette (so u can get the notif when this posts :3c )

Discomfort with Question: 6/10 hes already fine wdym? are YOU okay, how are you doing, lets talk about that instead.

What would it take for him to admit he isnt doing okay? Second lobotomy. Maybe with an immersion blender.

Getting Dirge to acknowledge his own emotional state is worse than pulling teeth, he actively fights it externally AND internally.

In his Bhaalist years, emotional turmoil was a sign he was failing in his divine task, and furthermore that he was straying from Bhaal's will, because he should be completely subsumed and without any hesitation, regret, or doubt. If he experienced any of those things, he was not of one mind with Bhaal, and was therefore committing sin and needed to repent. Dirge, unsurprisingly, developed severe religious OCD because of this, obsessed over the idea of Bhaal reading his mind and knowing his secret sins, and compulsively self flagellated on the regular, ritualistically inflicting pain to purge his sin, repent, and atone, thus being more spiritually pure and worthy of hs Father's love and attention (which, coincidentally, just so happened to manifest as divinely inflicted heart attacks, nightmares, and black out episodes of murder that forced Dirge to relive the killing of his adopted parents over and over. Yayyy Papas paying attention :,) ) His OCD subsides some post lobotomy (because he can't remember his obsessive thoughts), but comes back in full force in Act 3, except now he can't remember the rituals he used to relieve the obsession temporarily. Yayyy 🥲

Post lobotomy, most of his habits and sense of self get established as reactions to the tadparty in Act 1. In Act 1, hes fresh out of a hard reset, and using the gang as a metric for how to person. How to think, how to react, what he should feel, how he should behave. He tests the waters a LOT, early on, but Act 1 is when the party is at their most distant, and thus, their most unintentionally cruel. Dirge frequently asks them to help with his Urge, because it upsets and scares him, and routinely his fears are dismissed or misinterpreted, and never treated with the severity he tries to impart. This comes to a head with Alfira's death. Dirges perspective is that Alfira readily joins, and he starts to look forward to having yet another person in camp to help out (which increases their collective odds of survival to boot!), and then goes to bed anticipating his morning routine. Instead he wakes up in the middle of the night, drenched in gore, having seemingly murdered her in his sleep. He's horrified and sickened, and terrified out of his mind. He doesn't wash off the blood or hide the body, because he's scared and he needs help understanding whats going on and how to stop it. The partys reaction is immediate condemnation, disgust, and loathing. Even the most sympathetic, Astarion, chastises Dirge for making a mess.

So Dirge, in his state of being totally unmoored from social habit and desperately trying to build a foundation of "normal" vs "abnormal", experiences a traumatizing revoking of autonomy that results in the horrific murder of someone he was anticipating being friendly with. When asking the only people he can rely on for help and assistance, at the very least with understanding what just happened, instead of sympathy he is instead treating as singularly and personally responsible for this tragic violence. The person who does not outright condemn him still considers him personally, intentionally responsible. So, what did we learn here?

Firstly, anything that happens because of the Urge is Dirge's fault. It doesn't matter if he wasn't conscious, he should have been more responsible, and everyone is rightly upset that he lapsed and got someone killed (because he should have prevented this, even without prior knowledge its something that could even happen). Secondly, nobody really wants to actually help him. I mean, its his issues right? And it doesn't even sound that bad. Everyone gets angry sometimes. Just kill some goblins about it. Thirdly, its his responsibility to protect other people from himself. Nobody should HAVE to deal with him, they've all got their own serious issues going on. Its on Dirge to protect other people from himself. And fourthly, if shit goes south, he's the one that needs to clean up his own messes. Because, btw, Dirge is the one who cleans up Alfira.

The fact the bloody circle on the ground, oddly ritualistic, doesn't wash out is still his problem. Doesn't even mention it to anyone (even tho Gale could almost definitely clock something was off if he learned of it). Cuz why would he? Alfira is Dirge's fault. He buries her body (after imploring Withers to revive her, which Wither's rejects), but not before using Speak with Dead to make an attempt at getting some closure. The only catharsis he can gain is the fact Alfira doesn't blame him (corpses don't respond to their killers, after all).

So even AFTER he gets a forced Hard Reset, which undoes at least SOME of that Catholic Guilt for Having Feelings, one of his most foundational experiences is being blamed for being outright POSSESSED and helplessly killing someone in his sleep. As far as he's concerned, Dirge isn't allowed to admit he isn't fine, because he's a monster where everyone else is a person. He's just grateful everyone hasn't utterly rejected him, and thrown him to the Absolute, so he bends over backwards to make up for the heinousness of his own existence and be responsible for his own problems, while also going out of his way to help everyone with THEIR issues, out of love and gratitude to them.

By the time the tadparty both cares enough to WANT to help Dirge, and Dirge is doing badly enough for it to be noticeable he needs help, he isn't even capable of acknowledging it because his mindset is SO built around considering it his own fault that hes genuinely at a loss when people try to assist. He blacks out most of his own inner turmoil and just tries to brute force past it, entirely unconsciously! He genuinely can't even think of something he'd ask for help WITH, forcing everyone around him to have to play 5d mindchess. Jaheira and Minthara don't even get the chance to crack that wall, despite having the highest chance of success, cuz they don't even get to see Dirge without it.

A big underlying trend with Dirge is that, despite being Neutral Evil, he retains and maintains the capacity to be loving and compassionate, and part of that is Dirge being a better friend to the tadparty than they ever are to him.

So yeah. If you want Dirge to freely admit he feels like shit, punch another hole in his frontal lobe and start from scratch again.

[majorasnightmare]

For the ask game, hmm... Lae'zel 1, Karlach 5, Jaheira 5, Boo 2, Minsc 5. I would ask more but can't take them all. (This is lazybulette, once again lamenting I cannot send asks from sideblogs)

live dirge reaction

HI HIIIII!! Until we get asks from sideblogs, at least we have puttin our url in the anon ask @lazybulette x3

FANTASTIC selection, also, these are gonna be a BLAST. truly we are durgemaxxing

ask game from here!!

Laezel:

1: What does she think of the way your OC deals with the tadpole?

Hates hates HATES it. Dirge is very open to the tadpole, because he's fairly assured its helping him in some nebulous way (and he's right, at least about himself. the tadpole is helping to compensate for his brain injury and reducing his symptoms). Dirge is open to exploring different avenues of power and evaluating if the consequences are worthwhile, and given that he already doesn't trust the state of his brain, he considers himself the only real option for testing the tadpoles. Brains already fulla holes, might as well punch some more! He's also already a trained psionicist through his warlock pact, so he benefits heavily from consuming tadpoles. Lae'zel understands hes made an informed decision, but given that its a stupid ass decision, she's elected to ignore it. He isn't pushy about the tadpoles, so at least theres THAT in his favor. Lae'zel trusts his tactical skills, and his general decision making, but this almost definitely contributes to her perception that he's fucking insane. She isn't wrong. He's cool with her killing him if everything goes south (and to a degree relies on that presumption), so theres also that.

Karlach:

5: {Durge} What does she think of their previous relationship with Gortash?

TASTEY TASTEY QUESTION. So I love Karlach. I adore her. However, I think one of her flaws is that she can be a little too prone to looking away from uncomfortable truths. She never noticed any warning signs from Gortash, and although I'm sure he took pains to hide them from her, his entire business operation has always been suspicious. During her time in Avernus, this flaw helped her survive, because she never had to grapple with uncomfortable moral dilemnas unless she absolutely had to, and helped maintain her sanity, and I fully believe she's retroactively applied this perspective to her time pre Avernus, even when it doesn't fully apply. Keep your head down and stay above water, and all that. Now, she uses it to avoid confronting her usage of soul coins, and I fully believe she also, unconsciously, flat out refuses to reckon with Dirge's relationship with Gortash beyond surface level outrage.

Karlach is, I think, a little self absorbed, in the way trauma can blind you to the issues of others because your own is so loud. She readily believes a man she loathes when he claims a beloved friend is actually his bestie first, and I fully believe its because the idea hurts her so bad she can't entertain other possibilities, including the idea that this is isolating Dirge. Which is, of course, Gortash's entire purpose for doing this. She isn't a bad person, she is TRYING to be a better person than she was in Avernus, but there are parts of her character that she's unwilling to part with because shes attached to the security they give her. She didn't see any of Gortash's red flags. She had to survive Avernus. Neither of them paint her in a good light, she calls herself naive and avoids going into detail about what Avernus entailed for her beyond demon killing, but they paint her in a better light than the alternative. If she did see Gortash's red flags, she never would have prioritized her own comfort and safety over the harm he was inflicting. Right?

This directly contributes to her feelings on Dirge's relationship to Gortash, because Dirge was complicated. Its easier to consider that Dirge was just a shit person in the past (of course he was, he was a Bhaalist) instead of facing the reality that Gortash could be nice to people. Could care about them. Could help them. And Karlach unintentionally treats Dirge like shit for it. Gortash is directly responsible for Dirge's friendship with Karlach. Not indirectly through circumstance, but directly, explicitly. Gortash was Dirge's personal sin, because Gortash treated Dirge like a person and not Bhaal's Weapon. Gortash encouraged him to care about more than Bhaal's mission, his Destiny. Gortash encouraged Dirge to care more about himself, to try and stop attacking himself for every thought and feeling outside of Bhaal's will. Dirge can care about other people specifically because Gortash encouraged it every step of the way. Without Gortash, Dirge would never have cared enough to save Karlach in the first place, much less become life changing friends.

This idea is complicated, and uncomfortable, and more than a little upsetting, so Karlach ignores it, disregards it, looks away from it, like she looks away from the cost of soul coins, like she never saw those red flags. And when Gortash dies, dies at Dirge's hands, when Dirge has personally killed every single person he's ever known or cared for, burned every last bridge he has back to the past he can't recall, the person he used to be, when Dirge has killed Gortash for Karlach, because he's choosing the life he has now over the person he used to be, Karlach is immediately consumed with her own grief and trauma. She doesn't take a second to even consider that she isn't alone in her pain. Her trauma consumes her, the unfairness of her life and terminal condition consumes her, and she takes it out on Dirge. After killing everyone he's loved, Karlach looks at him and asks him to witness the death shes tired of fighting, after he has burned his last bridge for her sake. Its the kind of cruelty only enacted by those at the lowest depths of suffering, made worse for its earnest thoughtlessness. Dirge, who just died because he wanted to live free so so badly, Dirge who has buried his sister, Dirge who killed the last man who loved him because Gortash won't move forward from the quicksand of his past and Dirge loves Karlach too much to rot there with him. Dirge who has been fighting tooth and claw, not just to live but live free, not just for himself but for everyone he loves. Who had that chance ripped away from him in profoundly unfair circumstances, and was only given it back by the whim of a god. Of all the people to break down to, Karlach chooses Dirge. Because its easy. Because Gortash was awful, and evil, and never complicated, and she was just stupid and naive for trusting him. Because Dirge was terrible before, but is better now. He'll understand how she feels. He'll understand that she's tired of fighting, he'll understand that living isn't worth the pain of fighting Avernus, of risking Zariel, surely her closest friend will get what she's going through?

Its so horrifically messy and unintentional, and theres a reason Dirge doesn't break down and cry until that moment, after all he's been through.

Jaheira:

5: {Durge} Is she proud of the way they deal with the Urge?

Jaheira's been around for a while. She's sent good men to their deaths, and had to make her peace with that. She's intermittedly headed an organization who's main modus operandi is subterfuge and intel gathering. Jaheira isn't a golden hearted idealist. That was Khalid, and he was the best of all of them. Jaheira is pragmatic before she's good. And shes very familiar with bhaalspawn and the machinations of their father.

So. Dirge is Neutral Evil. The only thing he cares about is his own benefit. He has no issue with murder, or slavery, or tyranny, he merely has issue with how those things affect him. He detests losing control of himself, killing on Bhaal's command instead of his own volition. He kills slavers, not because they are deplorable people, but because no one will care if he kills a deplorable person. Tyrants are an issue, because they make his life difficult and inconvenient. Jaheira is under no delusions as to the person Dirge is.

However.

Dirge includes the benefit of his loved ones as a benefit to himself. If Karlach is bothered by slavery, Dirge will dismantle it simply so Karlach feels better. If Wyll finds a tyrant deplorable, Dirge will work against them simply because Wyll's happiness is more of a benefit than whatever Dirge can extract from a despot. If the acquisition of power is temporary, unstable, if it hurts or upsets his loved ones, he won't pursue it. Dirge is evil, but he is exceptionally easy to work with. And Dirge is piss easy to motivate.

Dirge actively resents all attempts to force him against his will, especially if those attempts at control bring risk to his loved ones. Despite his love of killing, Dirge places multiple barriers between himself and his desires to safeguard others. Lae'zel has promised to kill him, Minthara has promised to kill him, and Jaheira's offer to do the same only sets him at ease. If his will ever falters, he has surrounded himself with multiple failsafes to ensure he never poses a real threat to the people he cares about, and at every oppurtunity he presents the risks of his nature to anyone who will listen. Dirge's willpower is honed steel, as his soul is a tabernacle meant to contain the madness of a god, but even still, if such a prison were to fail, he goes out of his way to ensure the people he wants protected will stay protected.

Jaheira knows what shes working with. She knows what Dirge is. She knows he can be so, so much worse, and is fighting tooth and nail against it. He isn't Good, but he's good enough. He loves, he cares, he fights for causes he doesn't believe in just because she asked him to. As simple as that.

Of course shes proud of him.

Boo:

2: Would he tell Minsc nice things about them?

I already answered this one here! But as is my habit, I'll try and add some extra sauce to the repeat :3

I think specifically Boo praises Dirges ferocity in combat and ESPECIALLY the way he mangles and maims the corpses. Villains are reduced to virtuous smears in Dirge's claws and such savagery is to be commended when dealing with black hearted scoundrels!! 😤 Also they look SO tasty when Dirge is digging into them, maybe Boo can have a bite? Maybe??

Minsc:

5: {Durge} How does he feel about the way they deal with Sarevok?

After after spending entire essays on Karlach and Jaheira, this one is pretty simple. Dirge didn't respect Sarevok as a Bhaalist and he doesn't now. Jaheira and Minsc help him move through the sewers and undercity to find the Tribunal in the first place.

Sarevok sure has a lot to say about Dirge, but everyone involved is inclined to write him off before reducing him back to dust. It goes just as smoothly and as simply as Minsc expected, and ends about the same, with Evil defeated and the Rightous (??? always questionable when Dirge is involved) persevering!!

Dirge is going through the fuckin Torment Nexus about it, but he quite literally dies before talking about any of it, but Minsc certainly doesn't take issue with the situation at all and comes out of it beaming lmao

[majorasnightmare]

(since sideblogs can't send asks, alas) for your favorite Bhaalsoawn 🥀💗🌧

NOOOO sideblogs should be able to send asks so I can tag you AUGHHH 😭 it aint right ;~;

EDIT: i can tag now :3 @lazybulette THANK YOUUUUUU 💜💜💜

thank you for supporting my pookie and being endlessly annoying about him 🫶 hes a star. to ME

askgame from here !!

OOO this selection is NICE. love putting Dirge thru the wringer :3

🥀 — A memory that still hurts

Haha. Hahaha. Oh man. There is a lot of top contenders here. So like. On the one hand, Dirge has brain damage induced amnesia, making rembering most of his trauma difficult. On the other hand, his trauma doesn't really STOP until post BG3 so like. You want me to pick one?? His life fuckin SUUUUUCKS all the time dksmdndnf

But I can probably pick one that still affects him even with the TBI! Which is fun because the ghost haunts him still but he can no longer see it's face and name it thus 🥰

A memory that still hurts is the half present recollection of being coerced into attempting to sire heirs for the benefit of the Temple. Dirge actively struggled against such a responsibility, avoiding it as much as possible, but Bhaal never Spoke and proclaimed such a task was unnecessary, so eventually Dirge would be forced to capitulate. You stop running out of reasons and excuses at some point.

Dirge had a plethora of loyal and eager priestesses willing to help conceive the heir of Bhaal's Chosen Vessel, to help bring forth a legion of Spawn to overrun the earth, but while his partners were able and willing, Dirge very much was not. Dirge's consent was coerced via pressure and guilt, and the experience was mind numbingly awful for him. Thankfully no children ever arose from the attempts at conception, but Dirge's experience with it follows him through the lobotomy, even though he no longer recalls why he feels so nauseatingly strongly. While very sexually open, Dirge steadfastly avoids penetrating his partners and more or less ignores that part of his anatomy all together. It forms part of the pressure within the temple that kept Dirge from leaving the closet and realizing his gender identity, because Being A Woman entailed things, for him specifically, responsibilities and requirements not placed upon the laymen but upon him for his position of importance within the temples Inner Family Circle. Penetration, conception, pregnancy, and infants are thus all deeply triggering to him, even though he no longer remembers being coerced into sleeping with Bhaalist priestesses.

💗 — Someone they care about deeply

Oooooo I already answered this one here! For that one I did Dirge's most contentious member on his loved one's list, but for this one I think I'll do someone who might be surprising, given that he's Neutral Evil, unrepentant and remorseless. That being Aylin!

Dirge has a stronger connection to Isobel, but Aylin is someone he cares strongly for even alone. They have a lot of contrast between them, Dirge born of a single deific Father, Aylin born of a single deific Mother. Aylin is a holy Aasimar while he's an infernal Tiefling. Aylin was raised with love, knowing who and what she is every moment of her life, vs Dirge who was raised as a weapon and a tool, and has been kept in ignorance about the truth of his nature for all his life, just so Bhaal can better exploit him. Aylin knows what being a godspawn entails, her strengths and her blessings, but Dirge was only ever dripfed information that was useful to Bhaal or could be used to keep him subservient. Dirge has no idea what he's capable of as a Titan, born of Bhaal's blood and gore, but Selûne wanted her daughter to live of her own accord, and gave her the knowledge to do so.

Theres also a lot of overlapping traits and similarities too. Aylin is Selûne's righteous sword, and Dirge is Bhaal's dagger, loosed from His flesh to be held against the worlds throat. They are beings of violence, and bloodshed is in their nature, and endlessly will they be drawn to it and conflict. They both ascribe heavy importance to Fate, and both are steadfast believers in all-consuming Love at first sight. And when all they've known has long since been buried, and the paths they've walked have eroded to dust, there at the end of all things will they still have each other. Dirge isn't a good person, but he's kin. Only Dirge will share her struggles, the conflict of divine Nature and mortal perspective. Despite all that he is and all that he represents, he loves and he lives and he protects, same as she does, so there is a fondness and affection there difficult to smother. Its one he reciprocates, because even though he hesitates to consider it, deep down he knows there will come a time when the two of them are all thats left of these times. Who else will remember what it was like to love Isobel? Who else will he be able to talk to of such things? Theres a silent agreement to overlook the differences between their worldviews to focus on their commonalities. It keeps Aylin grounded, and keeps Dirge on good behavior.

🌧️ — What makes them cry

So fun fact, is that Dirge was a huuuuge crybaby as a kid. Orin used to tease him for it, and still considers him to be overly emotional, even as he grew increasingly colder and closed off. This is inpart because she can empathetically sense his emotions, but is mostly because her idea of him was solidified in their childhoods where Dirge cried all the time.

As Dirge grew older and more cynical from abuse at the temple, he eventually stopped crying at all as trauma hollowed him out. That carries over into Dirge's life post lobotomy, and he doesnt cry at all throughout all of Act 1 and Act 2. Alfira's sudden murder, burying her alone outside camp, Speaking with the corpse and seeing she doesn't blame him, hearing Kressa talk to him like an animal, seeing what happened at the colony, despite how shaken and viscerally upsetting it all is, none of it is enough to break the dam so to speak.

It takes a triple whammy in Act 3 for that. Dirge spends the first half of Act 3 preparing for his own death at Bhaal's hands, but that day in the temple is a Hell all on its own. Walking down the steps to the temple, talking to Sceleritas one last time as he's prepared for a ceremonial death ritual, trying in vain to reach out to Orin to save her from Bhaal, just for Bhaal to step in just to punish them both for the attempt by subsuming Orin into the Slayer. Holding Orin's corpse while Minthara tries to free herself, begging for Dirge to just acquiesce to Bhaal's demands and live, while Dirge sharply realizes the life he wanted to live with her and seeing it forever out of reach, and choosing to die instead of dragging Minthara into the endless cycle of abuse. Withers defying Fate to call Dirge back from death, but only on the condition that the party knowingly chooses to have him, bearing responsibility for the life Dirge will have and what he uses it for. After those two blows, what finally does him in is Karlach's breakdown after killing Gortash. After facing his death, seeing the future he wanted to have get ripped away, then having it given back to him because the people he loves feels that his death was too cruel, only to see Karlach beg for her own death? When Dirge has been fighting tooth and nail to try and prolong her life, because she's part of the reason he wants to live? Karlach breaking down about her terminal condition, how cruel it all is, then asking Dirge to stay with her when her engine goes because she doesn't think Avernus is worth it, that's what finally breaks him. Its too much, not after he's just lost everyone who used to care about him. He's just put Orin and Gortash in the ground, he's lost everyone who could have told him about the person he used to be, anyone who could have cared about him, and now hes being asked to bury another friend, and it's too much. Its far too much for him to handle, and its explosive and messy and desperate and pleading because he can't, he can't lose Karlach too, he can fix it he can help this, just let him try. If she dies he can't go with her, but as long as she's alive theres a chance, theres a hope. Just please, please, believe in him, he won't let her down, he won't let her suffer, just give him a chance to save her, because it's too cruel, it isn't fair, that he stays and she doesn't. She wants to live too, he has to give her that.

Its SO messy. After that dam breaks, he tears up pretty easily.

[vanadric-ocs]

What type of villain would your OC be?

Take this quiz to find out what kind of villain your OC would be.

My ask meme dealer @lazybulette provides once more. Go see their version here. Tagging (optionally) @phoenixpinks (Jax? 🥺) @pixylmawthz (Guidinglight or any of Krait's story?)

Oc

Welcome to your twisted ankle. First things first, you need to get yourself a hysterical laugh. Then make up a memorable quote every edgy teen will put in their bio and you're all set! Now go fuck shit up and damn all consequences. "You only live once" is your life's motto. You'll most likely die because one of your insane plans blow up in your face but at least you'll die with a big smile and there will never be a feeling of true victory for the hero and the audience witnessing it, so who's the real winner here.

Oc is in it for the entertainment and as likely to hinder as they are to help - or indeed, do nothing - if they think it makes for a more interesting story.

So when they really commit to the bit, it's scorched earth. No regard for their own safety, and every regard to make their target suffer. Death isn't enough but when they are stopped, it won't be satisfying.

[vanadric-ocs]

Your OC as...

Tagged by @lazybulette who's version is here. Go look at their tavs and durge I love them. Also leaving as an open tag, though @friskafriskito I'd be interested seeing Ashraf or Teddy with this 👀

Rules: Assign something to each item of the list. Animal | Colour | Food Drink | Movie | Character Inspo Song | Season | [pic]

Oc

Taking this as an overview, instead of a specific time period for the character.

Animal: Hyena (x) - A foolish hunter/scavenger. After the Moral/Despair Event Horizon Oc laughs at inappropriate times out as a stress response or genuine humour, which makes them difficult to read.

Colour: Yellow (x) - Had to crowdsource this one because Oc usually takes a colour depending on their story arc. Lazybulette suggested a energetic yellow for "deception, impatience, caution, betrayal, fear, and even egotism. Putting a warning flag on that menace"

Food: Focaccia bread (x) - This one's your dud I literally couldn't think of anything.

Drink: An energy drink with no nutritional value. They've a big engine with nothing to set it against. For BG3 relevance, this is also what Astarion would experience if they ever drank Oc's blood. Probably tastes like battery acid.

Movie: Everything Everywhere All At Once (x) - Admittedly skipping the familial & immigrant themes of the film but the approach to nihilism, and worth of existence matches Oc's own failings with immortality & universe hopping. EEAAO ultimately takes the positive decision. Oc has yet to find that.

Character Inspo: (x) "If a regular human chose to live like The Doctor, what kind of person would they be to so readily abandon their life?"

Song: (x) Mentioned before but Life on Mars by David Bowie. Several key lines fit, the bizarre events contrasting the passive narrator who's seen it all before. It fits very well.

Season: Autumn (x) - Transitional season, trending to its end on the surface.