Yo, call me Theo. she/they. age is however old being born in 1997 makes me, mentally ill queer white person. Pinned post finally made lmao “Gender is a shell game. What is a man? Whatever a woman isn’t. What is a woman? Whatever a man is not. Tap on it and it’s hollow. Look under the shells: it’s not there” — Naomi Alderman, The Power
So life is more or less determined to make me perma broke lmao so i'll just cut to the chase to give yall the main points 🫶
Basically: I'm legally homeless (but stably housed; basically no legal address for mail) with only my mothers disability benefits as stable income. Jobs are unreliable for our household and only sporadically help us out, so I pretty consistently need a little extra money for basic essentials like groceries and food for our 5 cats 🫶
Every cent counts, and even tho I would love to pay people back, life has yet to give me the financial stability to do so 😭 If you've got a little extra to spare, heres where you can toss it 💜
P*ypal // C*shapp // V*nmo
(censored so this post stays visible lmao)
With that out of the way, i'm also a writer! im not a FINISHER so its 90% wips, but if you'd like to see me write about THIS 👇 sonofabitch, visit my blog @wipsoftermina !! All the tags used on this blog are under the readmore if you wanna see my dumbass posts better 💜
My Tags! This is still a wip so ill eventually edit in links to intro posts lmao
Dirge:
dirgecore
for any random tumblr post that has Dirge Vibes. to Me
dirgeposting
for actual Dirge content, where I post his info and analysis and general bullshit musing lmao. 90% of Dirge Content is here
dirgeart
see him face :3 drawn by cool ppl!!
dirge askgames
so as dirge is my go to for askgames, he had a TON of them and it was clogging the dirgeposting tag. so now he has this! yayyy
dirgetharaposting
for dirge and minthara posts, both original posts and also reblogs that have their vibe
doomed siblings
predominantly for dirge and orins connection to each other and how they were set up from birth to inevitably come in conflict with each other, regardless of how they felt. doomed from the start, ive also started using it for my Gorion's Ward and Dirges elder bhaalspawn sibling, Lyre!
true soul!dirge au
an au for Dirge where he doesn't get rescued from the nautiloid and protected by the emperor, and survives to the beach only to get immediately enthralled by the Absolute, becoming an amnesiac True Soul under Her command.
i have more Dirge AUs but this is what has tagged content lmao
Other OCs and Tags
phyrneiposting
Phyrnei is my Drow Noble Divine Sorcerer/Hexblade Warlock for a Hiatused Out of the Abyss dnd campaign! As Phyrnei's arc is transitioning from being a Lolthite to a syncretic Vhaeraunite+Eilistraen, i use her tag for any important drow lore+dark seldarine content thats relevant to how i want to characterize her
monhun posting
I play MH Wilds! I have a switchaxe main hunter I post on occasion!! she gets tagged with this :3
As a present for reading this. heres my five kitties MWAH ily 💜
top left is Tira, top right is Misu (named cuz they were twins, tho Tira has since become a chubby lil princess), middle is Domino, bottom left is Biscuit, bottom right is Loki!
Tira, Misu, and Domino are all siblings from the same litter, Loki is my childhood cat whos my moms, and Biscuit is a recent rescue from a colony of outdoor ferals and is now happily a perma indoor kitty enjoying vaccinations and wet food 💜💜💜
Awhile back I submitted this to a site to get feedback because I wasn't too happy with the final version, I got a super useful review that pointed out errors on the lighting direction and helped out with the rendering.
This is the updated version, while not perfect, I like the improvement and wanted to share it <3
Something that I cannot help but admire about Gortash is his loyalty to Durge.
And with 'loyalty' I mean the fact that he is not only willing to continue their partnership from where they left off (after Orin betrayed Durge), but that he is also willing to overlook the mess the Dark Urge is when they meet once again.
What do I mean with mess? The memory issues, the constant fainting, the struggle to keep their own body in control.
By now everyone knows that the Dark Urge suffers from amnesia, but nobody ever seems to talk about Durge's other, numerous, issues.
First and foremost, yes, Durge does suffer from amnesia. They have no recollection of their past because Bhaal madr sure that they can't remember a thing. Sure, Orin helped with that, but it's still mostlx Bhaal who is keeping Durge from remembering anything.
But there ia another memory related issue Durge is suffering from, that isn't just not remembering their previous life. It's the fact that they keep losing memories.
Durge can straight out tell Ethel this:
"I lost all of my past memory, and worse: I keep losing new parts of it."
And they can mention this to Halsin as well:
"Black outs, fainting spells. I'm losing new memories every day..."
It pisses me off beyond measure that none of the companions ever acknowledge it.
There is also the fact that Durge just seems to lose consciousness now and again and nobody cares!
"Black outs, fainting spells..."
And the scene in act 3 when you enter Wyrmsrock, Durge passes out and has their little dream sequence with Orin, and then wakes up again. The only one to make a comment about that is Jaheira.
And that's not even it. Durge also hallucinates and sleepwalks and it's, once again, just completely ignored outside from a few dialogue choices.
"Sleepwalking... hallucinating creatures... the temptations... I could lose myself before I make it to a cure."
And Raphael points it out as well:
"This is no night you can sleepwalk through, somnambulist, you must be wide, wide, awake to survive."
Aside from Durge sleepwalking, they seem to have problems falling asleep to begin with:
"The Urges are calling on you again, aren't they? I haven't seen you sleep through the night once in the past days."
The Dark Urge also seems to have trouble concentraiting/focusing on the presence:
"Where am I? What's going on?"
This fits nicely with the black outs Durge can mention to Halsin. I fon't know if they sre dissociating, but I wouldn't put it past them.
Furthermore, Durge is in almost constant pain:
"I have such a headache."
And this one:
"My mind is full of holes and some of them are still being punched."
As for Durge being unable to properly control their own body:
"You look rabid, pained, sick. You're spasming and twitching..."
And this seems to be quite obvious for everyone, given that Minthara also recognices it:
"...when you're so clearly broken. Beautiful, but broken."
So it isn't a secret.
Aside from all the things I already mentioned, I also wanna add that Durge displays self-harming and self-loathing tendencies:
Astarion: "So. What happens next?"
Durge: "We whip each other within an inch of our lives."
There is also this narrator line when facing Bhaal in act 3:
"For a moment the brine-pool of your brain clears. To die: to rest, to save the world from yourself..."
And this one:
"Better to die than live on an earth walked by you. Each of your deaths is a mercy."
The Dark Urge also constantly refers to themselves as 'broken':
"In another lifetime, you were greeted in this throne room like a God, not the living wreck you are now."
Or this:
"Oh, don't mind me. My brain is all but mincemeat - I'm harmless now!"
Anyway, Durge is an utter mess and according to Omeluum, their brain shouldn't even be fuctioning and they should be dead,
And I can't help but respect Gortash for still wanting to ally with them.
Gortash knew Durge in their prime, they were allies when Durge had earned the respect of (almost) every member of their cult, of Gnolls and even of an Elder Brain. That is something almost no mortal has ever achieved before. Elfer Brains are highly intelligent, complex and cruel beings. They are capable of working out more than one highly efficient scheme at the same time, they have a better grasp at reality and their power is often incomprehensible to mortals. And the Dark Urge was so respected by one of them that said brain would have followed their plan without the intention of treachery. Not only were they respected, they were admired.
"You brought the Crown to me, Bhaalspawn, thinking the army I amassed with it would become yours. Your plan was devious, your cruelty unparalleled. I would have followed it, were your mind not destroyed by your sister."
And this:
"I respected Bhaal's child once, but not you, Gortash."
And also this:
"Gave- ---us- -EVERYTHING--- ---disappeared--"
The Absolute also calls Durge 'Tyrant' and 'Kingmaker', which should be a title given to Gortash because he is Bane's chosen. But the Absolute isn't the only one who respects them.
Gortash obviously does it and has no quarrel admitting it. But there is also this:
"You were the jewelled hope for their design, but now you are their flaw."
At first I thought 'they' referred to Gortash and Ketheric, but the wording threw me off. Because the 'design' was also Durge's, so if it would refer to the chosen three the wording would have to be more like 'to your design', due to the fact that Ketheric and Orin only joined later and didn't really plan anything. They just joinrd when most of the details were already planned out, which is why I believe that 'they' actually refers to Bhaal, Bane and Myrkul.
Bhaal, despite being a horrible man, clearly knows that Durge is still dangerous and still useful. Even in their broken state they can defy gods, lead a whole party with people who have their own issues, and claw their way back to Baldur's Gate. This is even mor eimpressive if we consider the constant nausea, pain, fainting etc. They are not weak, they are powerful and they do get shit done. Bhaal, even if he would never openly admit it, does recognize that his child is durable and cunning, and he can even, indirectly, acknowledge it.
Bhaal is all about self-control, killing those stronger than you and in so doing proving that you are superior, patience and, obviously, death.
If the Dark Urge wins the duel against Orin and defy him, Bhaal kills them.
BUT.
He doesn't enslave them or rends their mind asunder. He could still do it. There is nothing keeping him from doing to Durge what he does to them when they lose the duel. Why? Because despite their disobedience they did prove themselves worthy by not only managing to drag themselves all the way back to his temple while being an utter mess, but also by killing Ketheric, an avatar of Myrkul, Orin and (maybe) Gortash and an avatar of Bane. By surviving all of what happened while being clearly weakened, Durge did prove that they have not forgotten how to survive. They are still dangerous.
And say what you want about Bhaal, but killing Durge instead of making a slave out of them (which he still could have done) very much does say that he recognizes that. Durge showed that they can still control themselves, and Bhaal, while being utterly cruel and mad himself, may yet has seen a sliver of reason and acknowledged that his dogma/doctrin had been fulfilled/respected by Durge.
If Durge loses the duel they prove themselves to weak, a disappointment, which Bhaal straight out says. By killing Orin they proved their worth, even if they deny him.
As for Bane respecting Durge:
"My master admires you, as I always have. For the slaughter you bring, and for the Netherstones you bear."
One could argue that Gortash is lying here, but I don't believe that. Bane and Durge are eerily similar to begin with: The infancide, the ego, the reckless pursue of mass-slaughter, the loss of self-control, the absolute lack of elegance. Really. Durge would make a great Banite. But even aside from this we do know that Bane also admires Bhaal, even if he would never say that out loud. And I will take a guess and say it's for the same reason Gortash admires Durge:
"I always preferred your methods to hers. You have mastery over your Urges, Orin was consumed by her gruesome obsessions."
It's a pity that the Dark Urge doesn't get any unique dialogue options with Bane.
Anyway, Bhaal, like Durge, does suffer from violent urges as well. Bane, undoubtly, knows that. Yet he also recognizes that Bhaal is in control of himself most of the time. If Bane clearly respects Bhaal for it, he will respect Durge for it as well. There is also the fact that Bhaal served Bane as personal assassin and that Gortash calls Durge 'my favorite assassin, and that Bhaal is Bane's oldest ally/friend/frenemy (his nearest and dearest, so to say (no idea what exactly those two have going on, but given their past and how Bhaal despises Gortash, I will say that they had something going on (I am a self-indulgent idiot))).
As for the 'now you are their flaw' part: The Dark Urge is running around throwing everything into disarray, despite barely functioning. So yeah, they are as durable as a cockroach.
And Gortash, who knew the Dark Urge when they were an utter menance, a scheming mastermind with remarkable self-control, someone who had earned the respect and admiration of an Elder Brain, various cults and of Bane, looks at this absolute broken, hyperventilating mess they are in act 3, and wastes not even a single second trying to be close to them one again.
Yeah.
I never really was into Durgetash, but I am getting it now. That man still considers zhem his equal, despite Durge blacking out and whatnot. Even if they deny Bhaal Gortash is still waving his 'Welcome home' flag around and grinning like an absolute idiot.
Gortash is ready to work together with a barely functioning and completely mentally fucked up Durge again because he respect and admires them. Maybe even cares for them on a deeper level.
...
Which also reminds me of Bhaal and Bane, I am sorry to say.
In 2e Bhaal is listed as serving Bane. We don't really know how that happened, but I believe it happened after the Moonshae Triology.
At the end of the triology Bhaal was thrown from Greater Deity status down to lesser. That's already bad enough, especially if you happen to reside on the lower planes and every one of your neighbors will try to enslave or kill a weakened deity. So... Bhaal really had quite a problem here. And there is also the fact that even if we ignore his massive loss of power, he was almost completely defensless. Here:
"... pulling his tortured and writhing form through the ether."
"Here he lay in broken despair, scorned by other gods of evil who now far superseded him in might and influence,..."
"Motionless, Bhaal knew only suffering."
"Thus he would lie for generations, as a forgotten god and a distant relic of the human past."
He was in agony, utterly defensless, and would have quickly become subject to the whims of another god. He could have been killed with ease by other deities, or even just enslaves or subdued. He was incapable of pulling himself back together and a god that is in such a state in the lower planes usually never survives for long.
But he wasn't killed or enslaved.
Bhaal would never start serving Bane if he didn't had to. We could argue that Bane enslaved Bhaal, but this seems unlikely:
"In life, he commanded Bhaal and Iyachtu Xvim, his son, though Xvim performed his designated tasks only reluctantly, as he held no love for his father. Loviatar and Talona served Bane indirectly by serving Bhaal."
It's specifically pointed out that Xvim hated serving Bane, yet there is no mention, anywhere, of Bhaal loathing it. Let's be clear here: I don't think he was thrilled, but he did owe him. And Bane seems to have given Bhaal quite a bit of freedom as well.
Though I also could interpret into the 'as he helf no love for his father' part. Could be a coincidence, could also be that Bhaal did have some kind affection for Bane and now, after the Time of Troubles, sees Durge repeating his mistake.
Tiamat, Hruggek and the gods that serve Bane are specifically mentioned to only save Bane out of fear. Bhaal isn't.
Those two have a long history and Bhaal has put up with Bane's bullshit longer than anyone else (and Bane with Bhaal's). They respect and admire eachother.
And it is reflected in Gortash and Durge as well.
The mutual admiration and respect, the knowledge that they will have to turn against the other at some point.
Gortash and Bane ignore the vulnerable state Durge and Bhaal are in and keep them around, even if it goes against their own doctrine. Bhaal and Durge are the perfect equals of them, so far that both stay their hand and don't kill them even if they know that they should.
The parallels are there and it is not like Durge and Gortash are the only bhaalist and banite duo that works well together AND display affection for one another.
Tamoko (Sarevok's first and only real lover) wears Banite armour.
Then there are Polandulus and Clotilda.
And now Durge and Gortash.
This seems to be a reoccuring theme
Welp. Gortash and Durge are fascinating to me and I admit that I ignored that pairing for far too long.
To every Durgetash fan: I apologize for side-eyeing you for the first two years. You had the right idea all along.
Also, everyone who ships Durge and Gortash should do the same to Bhaal and Bane. It just fits and makes everything more dramatic
being mutuals with really skilled artists is so funny. van gogh & monet are in the tags of my shitposts telling me they love my sense of humor. I feel like roger rabbit
My wife pointed out to me the other day that apparently most people were literally only taught how to say Sorry and not how to Apologize or even that they are different things so here.
If all you ever do is step 1, not only did you not apologize, but people will rightfully stop believing you and start getting pissed or hurt.
It’s so fundamental to my understanding of Karlach’s character that her sunshiney, golden-retriever energy is entirely genuine... but it’s also a load-bearing wall holding back a festering swell of rage, hurt, and grief.
Underneath that warmth is a decade of hurt and tragedy and betrayal and suffering she has been through, that she can't afford to look directly at all of it. She has to keep reaching for the good.
She has to stay positive. She has to focus on simple joys and be cheery. She has to laugh, love, tease, dance, and throw herself into every happy moment she can find, because the moment that grip slips, - the moment she’s forced to face the true depth of her emotions - it turns into an inferno that threatens to consume her entirely.
Her sweetness and her terrifying, justified, destructive anger are the two halves of her survival, and cannot be seperated
It lets people access scientific articles for free. This is dangerous. It helps the free flow of knowledge and reduces the competitive edge of all the people who worked really hard to have been born into a wealth.
Like, it’s literally a website where you can type in the DOI of an article and read it, without ever having to pay the publisher who exploited the author.
So, again, do not, under any circumstance, use Sci-Hub. I mean, can you imagine a world where knowledge is free and easily accessible to everyone? Even, y'know, poor people?
Libgen also has many books online, including textbooks, searchable by name, author, and ISBN. Can you imagine textbook companies not getting their hard-earned income from poor college students? Here is the link just so you make sure that you never accidentally stumble across this horrible, unethical website.
Oh, and while we’re talking about books, if you’ve managed to stay clear from Libgen, definitely don’t go to zlibrary, where you can also find a lot of textbooks, but unfortunately they’re completely free.
Another inside tip from academia: Those papers in really expensive journals that are effectively inaccessible to anyone not in a university network? Depending on the discipline it’s very likely that same paper is on a “preprint” server somewhere, with no access restrictions.
Like if you want to read basically any physics, math, or CS paper, arXiv.org will have you covered, because everyone uploads their papers there before submitting to a journal (and generally updates it after peer review). I know all of my papers are on there. This is such common practice that journals have it baked into their licensing agreements that authors retain the right to upload their work to these places.
So the next time you get hit with that paywall, you may not even need sci-hub, just click the arxiv link on google scholar instead.
if for some reason none of this works, the old “send a email nicely asking for the paper to the author” is always a good trick. remember most scientists hate the commercialisation of scientific knowledge
Many authors of papers are on ResearchGate! You can ask for papers there, if they don’t just post a copy to download. If they’re associated with a college, you can usually find their email addresses in the department directory, also.
Looking at the closed captions of the interview I did today, I'm noticing that Zoom sometimes (not always, but it fucking happened) censors the words "Queer" and "Lesbian", which is extremely fucked up.
Literally on the phone with the IT service desk trying to work out how to get them to get me through to someone with admin privileges who can turn off Zoom's "profanity" filter (fuck off, these are not profane words). It's bluntly fucking ridiculous that I have to do this, this is a university, hard of hearing people can see "naughty" words (and these aren't even fucking naughty words) without shrivelling up and dying, none of us are fucking cherubs who must remain "pure" and "uncorrupted". This whole thing is so fucking idiotic, I study gender and sexuality, the people I interview are going to use these fucking words, I'm going to use these fucking words. Absolutely fucking absurd. It's fucking American puritanism being forced upon the rest of us by some shitty tech corporation. Nuke Silicon Valley.
did it just censor fucking "sucks"? maybe it misidentified it as "fucks", but still, holy fucking shit, holy fucking shit. This is fucking ridiculous beyond words.
“I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes, the body’s way of saying ‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time,’ you have no defenses when you are asleep, you tell no lies”
i really thought the point of "being lgbt+ doesn't absolve you of racism as a white person" was that white people arent absolved of racism by being marginalized but it really seems like people think other marginalizations make it okay. no being disabled doesn't do it. no being poor doesnt do it. we need to fight against racism actively no matter what.
Revolution And Reform @majorasnightmare - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
