#lbhj

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Purpose, part 2.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been searching forever for why I'm here and what exactly I'm meant to do with my life as I've never felt that I belong anywhere. The Lord has been revealing so much to me over the past few years in small morsels here and there which I've picked up, but perhaps never run with in the way I could've; I've realised how much writing means to me too and there's an idea I've been unable to shake of pursuing a particular avenue of writing since I first started exploring it in earnest six years ago.

After losing close contact with colleagues (who became friends) having moved on and realising how much I value friendships and relationships has completely flipped my idea of purpose around. After having read a few chapters of Rick Warren's book this past week along with Dr. Leaf's one concurrently, has stirred up a new hope in me to do this purpose thing the right way.

I also found a link to a sermon by Rick Warren on YouTube deemed to be, "The most important sermon you'll ever need to hear," if there's one sermon you need to hear above all others. In it he essentially summarises his book, "The Purpose Driven Life."

Below are the 5 purposes for our lives, the linked video appears above. After going through these steps, everything is a great deal clearer in the light of this information, to me anyway. I guess I can quite confidently say I'm a slow learner, but as long as I'm learning and growing and pleasing God, that's all that matters - the path to my destiny will be clear in its perfect time. I trust in the Lord's perfect wisdom:

1. God planned me for His pleasure therefore the 1st purpose of life is: to know & love God through worship.

2. God formed me for His family therefore the 2nd purpose of life is: to learn how to love others through fellowship.

3. God created me to become like Christ therefore the 3rd purpose of life is: to grow up spiritually through discipleship.

4. God shaped me to serve Him therefore the 4th purpose of life is: to serve God by serving others through ministry.

5. God made me for a mission therefore the 5th purpose of life is to share the Good News with others through evangelism.

Below is a prayer to start living the life that God created you to live:

"Dear God, everything You create has a purpose, including me. I don't want to miss my purpose, or waste my life, or live it disconnected from You anymore. Instead I want to become what You designed me to be. Starting today, I want to follow Your plan for my life, not my plan. You made me for a relationship with You, so I want to get to know you and love You and trust You. Thank You for sending Jesus to pay for my sin. Help me to understand that. I humbly ask You to accept me into Your family forever. I want to grow more like Jesus every day. And I want to use my life on earth to serve You by serving others. Help me to share this Good News with others and to fulfill my life mission. I invite You into every area of my life."

I hope this helps you somewhat friend, I know my eyes have opened wider and the vision for my mission's been made clearer.

Peace, internets.

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Stunned.

If there ever was a day I wish a giant boulder would fall on me and relieve the world of my presence - it’s today.

Received some news that caught me off guard - though not completely so to be 1000% honest.

Anyway.

Maybe I’m the cancer, if I’m not helping I’m killing everything around me.

A part of me wants to go down the old road, but I won’t.  As I feel this shock, a peace is over me that I cannot explain that seems to be shutting down the negativity that so easily flows almost all the time.  I said a little prayer before, that maybe is the difference.

Jesus, your will be done - I surrender.

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Walking on.

“I’m dying to believe that my breath is a promise..” - Sarah Jakes

The above quote is from a sermon she gave and that line sums it all up for me at this moment in time.  The past few days, weeks, months...years you might as well say have been testing to put it mildly.  My walk with the Lord has been growing deeper as what I once did and where I’m going are at odds.  I’m in a wrestling match with myself...my default self and who I was born to be.  The past few days I’ve been feeling especially angry and hopeless all at once, nothing new here, right? According to TD Jakes (Sarah’s dad), you begin changing after making a decision to change, it’s as simple as that.  No tears or shouting or exclamations: just making up your mind.  When you decide to no longer do what you did as it is no longer working for you and you commit - that’s when change happens. 

I’ve been dying to believe that my breath is a promise too, nothing makes sense to me, I’ve been struggling with self-doubt and self loathing for as long as I’ve been alive - being who I am and the way I am has never made sense to me.  I’ve wanted to stop breathing countless times, but the Lord promised me in Jeremiah 29:11 that he has a plan for me.  Today I decided to have faith in his promise, to have faith in the fact that I’m alive and alive for a reason.  I decided to stop trying to please people and most importantly to not trust my feelings, but to trust God’s promises.  I’ll feel, I’ll get the urges and acknowledge them as they pass through me, but I’ll carry on anyway.

I have faith the man upstairs has my back, I will keep walking on until.

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The Fire

Built up quick to be broken down slowly. Can the where so heavily weigh on me? Can the why not show itself? To vanish Lord is all I desire, but for your Word, Lord: Your Word's the fire. Jeremiah 1:5 Faith in You - the manufacturer. Only You know this product's purpose. In Your presence I wait patiently. Patiently. I wait. I'm IMPATIENT Lord!! I don't UNDERSTAND!!!! I'm FRUSTRATED Lord, what's the PLAN?? Why?? For what, who and when? With whom, where and how long? To what end Lord, to WHAT END?! Isaiah 55:8 Humble me you always do. Grateful I am to You. In my pain I worship You. Brawling with inner demons to face You, I stumble through my wild temper to embrace You. My faith grows. Matthew 11:28 Your calming presence like a balm, it soothes. The gifts you've given me - I'll know soon. Still here, made in your image and likeness I pray, "Holy Spirit, pick me up with your guidance." And though I'm spent, Your stores never run empty. Your Love never reaches it's peak. In your shadow I find solace and surrender. All to You Lord in this brief time. Just now, you've led me to find Ephesians 4 in a rhyme. Inspiration: divine. In Jesus' name, amen.

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Woken up

...the past four weeks have been an in-depth exploration helped along by honest people. The main discovery being that there's life in this body yet. I have to keep on with head, heart and hands ready for whatever's next. Strict definitions of what should be are gone, renewed excitement is ignited once more. I can't wait.

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why

Why am I still here Lord? Why didn't you let me die on that table so only my sister could carry on living. I've served my purpose. There's no need for more tortured souls like me in the world. We don't need more pressure cookers waiting to explode or implode. What humour can be found in loneliness? What joy can be found in pretense? None I say. Perhaps for those in denial. Why don't you answer me?

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Lunar

The reflecting orb teeters. A tangerine hangs low for the slow loris.

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Pretend

...I can't do this bs anymore. Carrying on everyday pretending, moving my limbs, opening my eyes, forcing a smile. Breathing. Every day. Its becoming a chore I'm too tired to do. According to the implicit rules I'm supposed to be maturing, becoming a man, becoming more than this, but what honestly is the point if I'm an insufferable bore. The words I write here are as much excitement as you'll get from a brother these days. It feels like I'm regressing, losing my mind...it's not supposed to be like this, but to be honest I always knew there would come a day when everything would come to a head. My bones are telling me it's coming, my dreams concur, my conscious mind isn't arguing. I'm at saturation point. The more time passes, the further down the black hole I go and the more I realise how ill-equipped I am for this life. I'm of the opinion that if I cannot give my best most of the time, I will never be in the elite groups that I find myself surrounded by. These are the people that move civilisation forward, the real game changers of this generation, not the ones who are happy to be comfortable in their tiny bubbles. I'm afraid of falling into that bubble, that comfort trap..perhaps I've already fallen. For all I know it's probably been my home as long as I can remember. I know I'm lazy, but take that laziness and multiply it a million times and you have the crippling fear that flourishes inside of me - the fear of doing anything, the fear of the unknown, the fear of putting myself out there, the fear of failure. This fear is debilitating, it keeps you in a cage...a comfortable cage, but a cage nonetheless. It's real and like the lioness whose face I put myself in front of on a recent trip: if you submit to it, it will murder you. I've been hiding or trying hard to draw further and further away from people, to distance myself from having to act like shit's ok. I suck at saying no and would rather sit through pleasantries than upset apple carts. So I continue to say the odd word here and there to show I'm still breathing. Everyone cares only as much as you care to entertain them..otherwise they're gone: I do the same...even less. But one can only hide in plain sight up to a point, when it gets too much it's difficult to hide so I withdraw. Right now I'm writing this from my room while my family and extended family enjoy quality time together. They haven't seen each other for some time. It's funny, I keep running hoping I'll go far enough into the darkness to bump into a kindred spirit and a wandering soul like me (maybe you?) willing to share a whiskey-drizzled cup of coffee. Like the lady in Theodore Sturgeon's tale: I'm writing letters and posting them into the sea (or the web) hoping they'll find someone who's willing to listen to the true story and who'll share theirs with me. We're all human. I might be less capable of dealing with life in terms of my mental state, but I also have dreams like you (although they seem impossible to me most of the time). Who doesn't love good conversation and awesome company? I especially enjoy when I'm able to come out of my shell long enough to contribute to the party though it rarely happens. It has happened before though and those were the awesome moments I'll forever replay in my head. Humans are social creatures by nature I know and we're all wired so differently. Ironically though these differences that appear to shut others out prove more often than not to be the curtains behind which our greatest joys lie...if we're honest with ourselves in the moments we draw the curtains. I don't know, all I know is that I become energised by filling blank spaces with words the few moments inbetween contemplating not being around anymore..wishing to be struck dead. That's all there is to it really.