Summary: If there is one talent James Bond has, it’s to give his Quartermaster a headache.
“Can I ask you a question, 007?”
“Not like you’d respect my wishes if I said no, Q. Go ahead.”
“Why is it that you always, without fail, find some way to cause an explosion? I’m starting to believe you have an arsonist streak.”
“I don’t do it on purpose, it just… happens.”
“You do know that you’re supposed to keep things quiet, right? ‘Secret’. It’s in the job description.”
“Not my fault their base lay beneath a firework factory.”
“Wouldn’t have been a problem if you didn’t blow it up!”
“Debatable.”
“I’m sure you mean ‘yes, Q’.”
“Yes, Q.”
#2
Title: Occupational Hazards
Author: storm-of-sharp-things
Warnings: none
Summary: Q would willingly pay extra for the option to have a boring vacation…
Q sat back against James in the little rowboat and stared across the lake as bright jets of sparks shot up from the island. The fiery glow amid the trees was beautiful in the reflection of the dark water. James settled the blanket more comfortably around them, keeping the chill off their bare skin.
“I liked that cabin,” Q finally said.
James sighed. “What’s the probability that our rental cabin would be a hidden entrance to a secret arsenal of explosives?”
With a splash, Alec finally surfaced next to the boat, grinning wickedly.
Q scowled. “One hundred percent, I’d say.”
#3
Title: Postcard
Author: sunaddicted
Warnings: none
Summary: Bond stops in the middle of a mission for a view Q shouldn’t absolutely miss.
“Bond, stop dallying”
“Look, Q”
He sighed, squinting at the screen broadcasting the grainy images coming from the small camera that he had managed to disguise as a lapel pin “What exactly am I looking at?”
“Wait for it”
“Bond, need I to remind you that you’re on- Oh”
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
Q was enraptured in the blue fire shooting up towards the dark of night: he couldn’t remember the last time he had looked up at the sky, eyes full of awe “Yes, it really is” he admitted “Thank you, James. Move along now: your contact is waiting”
“Yessir”
#4
Title:Flare
Author: Hexiva
Warnings: Angst
Summary: Alec and James on a stakeout. One moment of hope.
What James remembers from that night in Canada is the fireworks. Fireworks reflecting off the lake as he sat in the dark waiting for morning when their target would walk by. Fireworks reflecting in Alec’s eyes, a manic gleam as he leaned in to adjust Bond’s hand on his rifle. And in the darkness between displays, they looked at each other, the instruments of their bloody work forgotten.
Years later, after everything, after the betrayal, James doesn’t remember who reached out first. All he remembers is the sound of fireworks as they kissed, clinging to each other in the darkness.
#5
Title: Rest & Relaxation
Author: SouffleGirl91
Warnings: None
Summary: James and Q kiss goodbye to yet another security deposit.
“This was fun. We should do it more often.”
James watched an explosion illuminate the sky, showering white sparks on the carnage below.
“Did you hit your head?”
“What?” Q frowned. “No! Why?”
“You want to do this-” James gestured at the flames, “more often?”
Another loud crack, and the cabin roof collapsed, sending up a plume of smoke.
“Well, maybe not the part where your ex-boyfriend tries to burn us to death in our sleep…”
“So just the murder, then?”
“Pillock.”
James laughed. “If this is what holidays with you are like, I’d love to do it more often.”
#6
Title: Efficiency
Author: Anyawen
Warnings: None
Summary: Bond appreciates competence, whatever it wears.
James ignores the cold of the Canadian spring night, attention focused on the far side of the lake.
“I can get closer,” he offers quietly over comms.
“Stay where you are, Bond. I’ve got this,” Q answers.
Q’s frenzied typing stills, and James hears satisfaction in the silence a moment before an explosion rocks the lodge. He watches, bemused, as stray fireworks streak into the sky.
“The security on their firework storage facility needs work,” Q remarks dryly before utterly failing to stifle a yawn.
Another firework explodes, illuminating James’ fond smile.
“Not bad for a man in his pyjamas.”
#7
Title: Isle of Bond
Author:
Warnings: none
Summary: No man is an island.
They say, “no man is an island,” and they’re right.
Bond would disagree; would claim the title for himself.
He would say that he is a man for himself, as he trusts his life in the hands of friends. He would build a fortress of solitude, only to fly from it in a blaze of glory. He would fence his heart with spikes, spark, smirks, and sex. Until someone is unafraid to get stung.
Bond would lay life, death, heart, and gun at the feet of true love.
“They say, no man is an island, and they’re right,” Bond says.
#8
Title: forget the past
Author: scarytheory
Warnings: none
Summary: In the woods, in the middle of the night, two friends are trying to make peace with everything.
“This is ridiculous,” says Q, looking at Moneypenny. “It’s not New Year’s. Also, do you know how harmful it is to animals?”
She gives him the side-eye: “Your complaining already scared everything within ten miles of here. And it’s symbolic, actually. Because he’s not coming back, not to me, not to you. We need to start over, with a bang. Help me set this off.”
With a sigh, he does.
And here they are, watching fireworks in the middle of March, both feeling lost.
But as she slips her hand in his, he thinks that maybe they will be alright.
#9
Title: Inferno
Author: oldestcharm
Warnings: fire
Summary: Q appreciates the scenery. Bond isn’t pleased.
Q’s eyes are glued to the live feed from the helicopter. “This is very scenic,” he comments. Bond huffs. “Are you talking about the forest fire, the flare guns, or the volcano that’s about to burst now that I obliterated this guy’s lair?” Q hums, considering. “All of the above.” “I’m pleased to know you care so much for my safety.” “You’re just fine, 007,” Q assures him. “I’m standing in the middle of burning debris,” Bond points out. “There is a lake right beside you. Grab a bucket.” “You didn’t equip me with a bucket.” “Maybe next time then.”
#10
Title: Birthday Celebration
Author: Nana-41175
Warnings: n/a
Summary: Q is gifted with spectacular fireworks for his birthday by Bond
Q was sure he would dislike camping. He did not feel kindly toward the idea of a million insects descending upon him while they roughed it out in the woods. Plus, no internet. Hideous.
But he liked fireworks at dusk, especially when viewed over water. He was touched that Bond wanted him to see this: the lake, the dark circle of trees surrounding the warm, cheery glow of a campfire, the slender strands of bright light as they shot up toward the night sky.
Most of all he adored being in Bond’s arms as his boyfriend whispered, “Happy birthday, darling.”
#11
Title: In the End
Author: Venstar
Warnings: none
Summary: One last goodbye.
Bond stared as the island of Mr. White burned away in a final fiery glow. So many things had been set in place there. Thoughts of Vesper slid through his mind, like a dark oil slick on water. Never to truly be erased. He felt something slide into his hand. A weapon. Something strong and flexible. He squeezed and felt bones move. Q. Something else that had been set in place. A gift, from one madman to another. Silva’s little cogwheel in the bigger scheme of things had inadvertently delivered Q to MI6…and James. He kissed those fingers. His weapon.
#12
Title: Miscalculation
Author: Merc/moon_of_mercury
Warnings: none
Summary: Bond makes a strategic mistake. Q improvises to save the day.
“Gorgeous, aren’t they?”
“No, not really. They’re an unnecessary waste of money, spread heavy metals and other contaminants in the environment, cause noise pollution, not to mention the stress to animals and people who don’t like them–”
“Alright! Fine. I should have asked you first.”
“Or used your head for once. I told you; the cats and I are a package deal. If you plan for me you plan for them. I’m not having fun when my darlings are terrified.”
Before the mood sours, Q pulls James into a kiss.
“But we can always stay in. I’ll show you fireworks.”
#13
Title: How Does He Do That?
Author: IrishWitch58
Warnings: Things blowing up, Canon typical violence, 006 and explody stuff Summary: Bond and Q watching the end of a 006 mission
Bond watched intently as Q focused on the terse commentary from the extraction team. Trust 006 to find one of the few primary forests left in Europe to play hide and seek with terrorists. Injured, bleeding but in possession of valued intel he’d been sent after, Trevelyan was being sought by both sides. One of the drone cameras blazed with light, flaring streamers rising from a central explosion. Q blinked, eyes watering before the screen dimmed.
“How does he do that every bloody time? I never issued him any explosives.”
Bond just shrugged, grinning. “When has that ever stopped Alec?”
#14
Title: Beacon
Author: solarmorrigan
Warnings: None
Summary: Q is very good at reading even the smallest signs.
“Come on,” Q murmured.
Images flashed by on his screens: satellite feeds, CCTV stills, personal security system hacks, social media posts – anything he could think of. Windows overlapped, flashed, jockeyed for space and called for attention as new information poured in. Then, at last, a filter-covered photograph from one website or another, a tiny island lit up by a few explosive columns of light, drew Q’s notice.
Unexpected fireworks off the coast, the caption read.
Q checked the location. He checked the time. He smiled.
“There you are,” he sighed, and began the work of piecing together Bond’s trail.
#15
Title: We Don’t Need Fireworks
Author: MrKsan / starrboned
Warnings: Canon-Typical Violence
Summary: Bond makes things explode. Q watches from afar.
The skies were ablaze with stardust and fire. It could’ve been beautiful, Q thought, had it not been his job to clean up the mess after.
Damn Bond and his dramatics.
Footsteps approached from behind, and Q couldn’t help but smile as an arm looped around his waist.
“007,” Gareth sighed. Q snorted, leaning into the warmth. Something exploded in the distance.
“Wish you could join him?” Gareth asked. “Share the action?”
Q turned his head, watching the fireworks reflect in his eyes.
“I got all the fire I need right here,” Q smiled, and leaned in for a kiss.
COME READ THEM AND DECIDE WHOSE IS THE BEST, BETTER THAN ALL THE REST!
But first, what was the prompt again?
Our writers had to use the phrase “be careful what you fish for” in their 300-word drabbles verbatim.
See the drabbles below the line and VOTE!
(Image description: James Bond off on a fishing expedition)
But how, mods, how do we vote? you ask.
Step 1: Read the drabbles, making notes along the way.
Step 2: Pick three favourites and vote for them in the VOTING FORM while adding feedback for others if you so choose!
Step 3: Profit! (Because it’s all anonymous and even the writers you didn’t vote for end up getting your lovely feedback and it makes them so happy!)
You have until Sunday at 8:59 9.m. PST/11:59 p.m. EST/3:59 a.m. UTC to cast your vote.
Now, come READ&VOTE! (You can also read on wordpress for nicer formatting)
#1
Title: Compliments
Author: sunaddicted
Warnings: explicit flirting
Summary: Q wasn't expecting to hear such a compliment
Seeing Silva bent down over his computer still sent a thrill down Q's spine; despite the fact that the man had become a more or less permanent fixture in Q-Branch, it didn't mean that the adrenaline kick he got out of facing the former rogue agent had gotten any weaker.
"That's some of my best work."
"Is it."
Q swallowed as he went to stand by the other man, peering down at the lines of code that Silva was studying with the kind of keen eye that made Q squirm, feeling naked even when Silva was looking at his work rather than directly at him.
Though, what was his work if not an extension of his being?
"Are you fishing for compliments, Quartermaster?"
Saying his title in such a caressing and satiny voice should have been made illegal. "Do I need to?" Q tried to ignore the hint of neediness in his voice, even as the flush he could feel blooming up his neck surely betrayed him. He couldn't help it: in his life, he had only met a man who was his equal - better, he had only met a man who could code circles around him, pushing him to do better; to think faster; to outgrow himself.
It was exciting.
Raoul slowly turned around, a smirk already painted on his lips. "You have a great arse I would like to bend over this sturdy desk of yours."
"Wh- what?!"
The blonde bent down, lips ghosting against the shell of Q's ear in a caress that was barely there. "Be careful what you fish for, Quartermaster," Silva reached down and closed his hand on the other's hip in a steadying manner, fingers digging into the jutting bone there "You never know what kind of compliment will get thrown your way."
#2
Title: A Fine Kettle
Author: Anyawen
Warnings: none
Summary: LIke shooting fish in a barrel, really.
"This isn't what I had in mind when I said I needed an exit," Bond groused as his feet squelched in his ruined shoes. He'd never get the stink of fish out of this suit. He'd be lucky to scrub it off his skin.
"Well, you know what they say, 007. Be careful what you fish for," Q said, snorting at his own joke as Bond groaned.
"Don't even start, Q," Bond growled. Well. Tried to growl. If it came out as an amused whine Q was polite enough not to call attention to it.
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Q said primly. "I found you an exit and left your adversaries floundering. You didn't even pull a mussel."
"I've endured torture more pleasant than—"
"Stop your carping; you’re giving me a haddock."
Bond inhaled slowly. Exhaled.
"What will it take to make you stop?"
"You'll have to shell out more than a few clams."
"Q," Bond begged. Yes. Begged. And yet, he knew that if he were standing in front of a mirror right now his reflection would be grinning. Q's jokes were terrible, and his puns were worse, but hearing him so lost in his amusement was a glorious thing.
"Bring all of your gear back for a start. No losing or breaking anything just for the halibut."
"I'll do my best," Bond promised.
"And dinner."
"I beg your pardon?" Bond asked, shocked. He'd been asking the Quartermaster to dinner for weeks.
"You need time to mullet over. That's fine. Just let minnow."
"Yes, Q. Obviously, yes."
"Excellent. I'm thinking sushi."
Bond couldn't help the laugh that slipped out. He could hear Q's smug grin.
"Just squidding," Q said, then hurried to add, "About the sushi. Not about dinner. And dessert. And afters."
"Afters?"
"Cuttles."
#3
Title: Retrieval
Author: stormofsharpthings
Warnings: none
Summary: Q knew it had never been about her
Q came upon Dr Madeleine Swann serenely fishing from the riverbank. “Got one,” she announced, before handing the rod to him and walking away. Bemused, Q tugged, and the fish leapt from the murky river into his hand, scales flowing like water to engulf his entire arm. Face to face, it gave him a toothy grin.
“Be careful what you fish for,” it snickered as the trees around him exploded with gobbets of blue flame. Q dove into the river to escape and was dragged deeper, drowning, webbed hands holding him tight.
He flailed awake to a bed stained green with murky water, strands of river weed draped about. The windows were wide open, moonlight making the wet marks on the floor glisten.
“James?” he whispered. There was no answer. Not since James had taken the damn car and driven off. But there had been enough clues.
----
He took the river road, heading north. Every bridge was washed-out, every access to his destination blocked. He finally came upon an old-style ferry, its raft drawn along a heavy cable strung across the river.
The old raftman eyed him, then shrugged. Halfway across, the raft slowed as if hung up on something. The ferryman cursed and stamped his boot on the boards. As the raft drifted free again, he gave Q a wry look. “Hope you know what you’re about, lad.”
----
The waterhorse waited for him at the loch edge, burning eyes watching him warily as he approached.
“I never believed you left for her,” he said, tangling his hands in the wet mane. “And all the warnings of all the fair folk in the world couldn't keep me away.” He swung astride and held on. “You can either drown me or come home with me, James. It’s up to you, now.”
#4
Title: Gone Fishing
Author: Hexiva
Warnings: None
Summary: Alec is just trying to have a nice vacation. James has other plans.
Alec is fishing. He’s taken some much-needed vacation time after a knife to the leg on his last mission, and he’s chosen to go to Jamaica, in part because of how James’ face falls when he learns Alec is going without him. James loves Jamaica. Alec, for his part, loves having anything that James can’t have.
The sky is blue. The ocean is a beautiful shade of blue-green. Alec lets his line dangle down into the warm water, and leans back in his boat with a sigh of contentment.
And then the peace of the summer day is shattered as the water erupts, and a black-clad figure in scuba gear surges up out of the sea, gasping, and clambers into Alec’s boat, almost upsetting it.
Alec’s hand flies to his gun, but before he can draw it, the diver pulls off his mask and reveals James’ familiar face. James is bruised and bleeding, and he gasps out, “Near miss. Good thing you were here.”
“What the hell are you doing here?!” Alec demands. “I’m on vacation, James!”
“Underwater base,” James explains, pointing down into the depths of the ocean. “Spying on our submarines. Blew it up and escaped.”
“How do you do it, James?” Alec says, acidly. “How is it that no matter where you go - no matter where I go - there always seems to be some madman with an increasingly improbable scheme gunning for you? Can’t I have one vacation to myself?” It’s not James’ company he minds. It’s that this was supposed to be something he could take away from James. A chance to one-up the always charming James Bond.
“Well, Alec,” James said, leaning in with his charming smile. “You know what they say. Be careful what you fish for.”
“I hate you,” Alec said, with feeling.
#5
Title: Dare to Wish
Author: sorion
Warnings: none
Summary: A very nice welcome-home.
"Are you going to put away that blasted machine?" Bond asked, not even looking away from his skilled cooking.
"Hm?" Q hummed distractedly, not ceasing his typing.
"Your laptop, darling," Bond complained, making 'darling' sound more like a demand than an endearment. "Hm." The typing never faltered.
Bond reduced the heat on one of the other pans that he was juggling on the stove.
"I was gone for over a month," he grumbled. "I even dared to hope that you were looking forward to seeing me again."
Q smiled, and the typing slowed. "One minute, and I'll be all yours, and yet you'll still be giving your attention to our dinner."
Bond couldn't help but grin. "What's so terribly important anyway?"
"Oh, just some matter of national security that I'd like off the table before we eat."
Bond laughed. "Bare feet, unbuttoned shirt, and saving the world. A marvel, you are."
"One step up from working in my pyjamas," Q quipped.
Bond sighed. "I'm never going to live that down, am I? What about the incident where you basically plugged Silva into our network?"
Q pulled a face. "That was... my first week as Q, and I desperately wanted to prove myself, and I may have-"
"Q," Bond interrupted. "I won't let you live it down, but I'm not holding it against you."
Q smiled. "Thanks. I do, on very rare occasions, get insecure."
"There's no need. Everyone knows how brilliant you are. And there's no need to be fishing for compliments."
"Not tonight. I'm just... fishing for affection."
His typing instantly stopped when a small box of unmistakable shape was put in front of him.
Bond caught his eyes and smiled.
"Be careful what you fish for."
Q's breath stuck in his throat, and his eyes lit up.
"Never."
#6
Title: A Fishy Companion
Author: Nana-chan
Warnings:
Summary: Bond makes friends with a merman
“Bond,” said the creature, his tone quite serious.
Bond merely grunted as he continued to mend his nets. He would not even look at the creature as he swam around him in the shallow water, his movements graceful. A bloody merman, for god’s sake. He’d found him tangled in his nets after a fishing expedition some way from the island and the merman, having been rescued, refused to leave Bond’s side ever since.
Now he queried: “Why is the fisherman so stingy?”
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me whether I want to hear it or not,” said Bond brusquely.
The merman replied, “Because his work made him sell-fish.”
Bond closed his eyes briefly. He’d been a double-O agent— a bloody good one— once upon a time. So long ago, it seemed. Retirement on this remote Caribbean island, in a wooden house with its own small pier, had been something he’d dreamed of, until retirement became more like exile and solitude gave way to loneliness.
Until this.
Bond found himself smiling despite himself as the merman persisted, “Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?”
“I don’t know. Why did he?”
“Pier pressure.”
The merman was beautiful, with dark hair and large green eyes that gazed into his rather owlishly. For reasons of his own, he’d named him Q.
Bond looked away. “I think I need a massage,” he said, wincing as he flexed his biceps.
“Have you heard about the Sauna that serves food?” Q piped up. “Their specialty is steamed mussels.”
“Why you—” Bond laughed before he could stop himself. “I ought to have left you in the nets. That might have made you less talkative.”
The merman swam up to him and settled his head boldly on his lap.
“Be careful what you fish for,” said Q, smiling.
#7
Title: Go Fish
Author: soufflegirl91
Warnings: adult humour
Summary: Q Branch tech must be recovered no matter where the double-ohs lose it.
“Another bloody spoon,” Bond complained, releasing it from the magnet and tossing it on the pile building up at his feet. “How do people even lose spoons in a lake?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe the same way you lose proprietary weaponry?”
“Q, for the last time, I didn’t-”
“Can we get any closer to the middle?” Q cut him off, tapping a few times on his tablet screen. “Maybe if we start at the deepest point and move outwards?”
Bond sighed, dropping the line back into the boat with a clatter. He pulled the engine cord, and with a roar, they were moving.
“THIS SHOULD DO,” Q yelled over the din.
Bond brought them to a stop, but Q didn’t wait for the engine to die down before continuing:
“I’VE ACTIVATED THE HOMING BEACON. THE LAKE’S DEEPER THAN I’D LIKE, BUT I SHOULD GET A SIGNAL ONCE WE’RE-” the engine died down with a final splutter, leaving Q yelling, “DIRECTLY OVER IT - oh.”
“You don’t get out on the water much, do you?” Bond quirked a grin at his flustered Quartermaster, flinging out the line on the starboard side.
“I wouldn’t have to get out on the water at all, if you didn’t go throwing away rocket launchers like they were crisp packets. Bond, what are you doing? I haven’t got a signal, yet.”
“Signal or not, I’ve caught something.”
Bond pulled on the Q-branch reinforced line, trying to reel it in. Whatever the line had caught, it was heavy. Finally, his catch cleared the water line.
He stared.
“Is that a tentacle dil-?”
“Well, you know what they say,” Q cut in.
He giggled. Giggled. Bond had a terrible feeling he knew what was coming next.
“No. Don’t you dare say it.”
“Be careful what you fish for!”
#8
Title: Do I Really Want To Know?
Author: IrishWitch58
Warnings: none
Summary: Mallory contemplates a recent mission and the behavior of agent and Quartermaster.
Mallory hadn't gotten to his present position without understanding the value of differing approaches to acquiring information. There were circumstances when a simple question was all that was required. There were others when a figurative bludgeon was necessary. That was more often the case when he had someone dead to rights and just wanted an admission. But when something was more delicate, a search for something he suspected but hadn't been able to prove, he needed the skills of a wily fisherman tricking a trout out from under a rock to rise to the bait.
It was unacceptable that his Quartermaster and 007 had gone off coms for eighteen hours. True, the mission was completed, but Bond's bad habits seemed to have rubbed off on Q. Interviewing both had been useless. 'Yes', 'no' and 'equipment failure' were the sum of the responses. Utterly respectful but complete obstruction from both.
They were hiding something and he was worried. Certainly, disloyalty was possible but he had thought better of both of them. There was a chime from his computer and he glanced at the incoming message from accounting. “Can we have some clarification on these charges, please? Uncertain whether these are mission related.”
Mallory scanned the receipts. A moderately expensive hotel suite, room service, and a concierge fee for a trip to a chemist. All charged to one of Bond's aliases. On impulse he called the hotel. Five minutes later he ended the call and stared at the phone. Well, better than treachery certainly but still, Bond and Q? The concierge had found the couple charming and was sure they were a couple. Be careful what you fish for. Now what was he supposed to do? Better that they hadn't admitted anything. He didn't have to act if he didn't officially know.
#9
Title: Shark Bait
Author: Venstar / 1amvengeance
Warnings: violence? People dedding
Summary: what would you do for those you love?
Bond swam to the ladder access of the dock. A creak of the boards and he froze in place. He swung himself up, his movement was swift and deadly. The guard dropped as suddenly as he had appeared. Bond rolled him into the water. Through the mist, he could just barely make out the tip of a fin. He smiled. It was cold, calculating, and lacking in teeth.
“Almost there.” Bond smiled as a soft breath was let out over comms. “Were you worried?”
“About you or my mortgage and two cats? Because if you live, then maybe M won’t find out about this.”
This time Bond’s smile was wide and bright. “I’m glad we agree then.”
Bond cut a slit through his wetsuit until he could see his skin underneath. Slightly tan with a smattering of darker freckles. Was that a new mole? Maybe he should have it checked out. Too late. Blood welled up from where the mole had been. He grimaced.
“Bond? What are you doing?”
“Chumming the water.” He heard Q’s sharp intake of breath at the sound of him re-entering the water.
“Bond. This is the worst idea on the list of bad ideas.”
“I know what I’m doing, Q. Moving in, now.”
Silence from the other end as Q listened to him work. He slid through the water, coming up just under the opening of the warehouse. He pulled himself out, his eyes on his targets. He spared one glance for his lover, hoping that Felix could keep the two men distracted enough for him to...yes...to do that. The two men were tossed cut and bleeding into the dark water behind him. Their shouts of surprise turned into screams of pain and terror.
"Be careful what you fish for." Bond murmured, smiling at Felix.
#10
Title: Witnessed
Author: oldestcharm
Warnings: n/a
Summary: James observes Q's methods. It pays off.
Q is flexible. He can play an agent like a fiddle. Any time, any place. He knows exactly how to approach his agents — something James is rather impressed by. He'll let them stew for half an hour when necessary; he'll cosy up to them, all charm and innocence; or play up the socially inept IT intern. Sometimes, he gets mean. James particularly likes that part of Q. Whichever it is, though, Q's got them all wrapped around his long capable fingers. James can't look away. He hears from 002 about the 'banger of a DnD game' she apparently raked in the loot for. He also learns about the Deck of Many Things. It's surprisingly accurate for whatever happens next.
009 loses a chess match and gets equipped with a tractor instead of the Jeep he'd requested, although it goes 300 mph and has multiple cannons attached.
005 fails a coin toss and gains a squirt gun full of holy water for her mission at the Vatican. With a quirk of a smile, Q suggests Russian Roulette to Alec. He wins, but just barely.
Q equips his agents with the bare necessities, but unlike his predecessor, they all have to earn the goods. Q's gambling and James is determined to get his own. Q, ever the gentleman, asks what he's willing to play.
"Let's Go Fishin'," James tells him and just for a second Q looks startled. James' lips twitch into a reluctant smile.
"Be careful what you fish for," Q tells him, voice low and enticing. James leans forward, distracted.
"I win," Q says, eyes alight with excitement.
"It's a draw," James corrects, hoping his exhaustion won't show. Q's gaze grows sharp.
On his next mission, James finds an exploding pen in the inside pocket of his suit jacket.
#11
Title: To Fish or Not to Fish
Author: scarytheory
Warnings: none
Summary: Someone is sending weird presents to Q. He needs to figure out who that someone is.
The mug was ugly. Big, brown, and with a ceramic trout holding a plate “I fish you very much!” engraved in bold letters. It wasn’t the only thing that had been anonymously sent to Q for his birthday this week (other items included cheap chocolate and a teddy bear).
“This is getting ridiculous. Who would give me something so hideous?”
“You know what they say – be careful what you fish for!”
“That’s… not what they say.”
James smirked, obviously happy with himself.
Q continued: “Can you at least pretend that you’re jealous? It used to be you, sending me obnoxious gifts!”
“Don’t act like you thought it was romantic now, you hated it.”
He did. But he still had all the awful trinkets that James had sent him from missions before his retirement. They were displayed in his office, he couldn't force himself to throw them away. Maybe he was sentimental, after all.
“Perhaps it’s from a criminal who wants to infiltrate the MI6,” Q wondered.
James laughed. “I can guarantee you that it’s not a villain, the gifts are indeed from the heart.”
Of course he had something to do with it!
“And you can’t just tell me?”
“Nah. Let minnow when you figure it out!.”
“James, this was a terrible pun, even for you.”
“It’s not kraken you up?”
Truly not.
The question was who could send him these kinds of gifts? It seemed that they weren’t from some admirer either, seeing as James didn’t feel threatened. On the contrary, he was amused.
“Oh my God!”
Suddenly he knew. And it was horrifying.
“It’s from my mum.”
James grinned: “I love that woman. She understands that fish puns are fin-tastic!”
With horror, Q realised that against his better judgment, he had ended up marrying his own mother.
#12
Title: One Hell of a Strange Fish
Author: Misha / artsytarts
Warnings: none, just lols
Summary: Fishing at lake Erie can be more exciting than you think.
Felix sighed happily as he sat on his little bench in his little boat and let his mind wander. Bliss like this was hard to come by. A weekend of fishing, peace and relaxation was awaiting him and there was nothing that could spoil it.
Just as he’d finished the thought, a sudden tug at his fishing rod almost made him topple over the rim of his boat. Felix caught himself and cursed, put his feet down and with all his strength, he started reeling in the gigantic fish. It was putting up one hell of a fight. Gritting his teeth, Felix pulled and pulled, until, with an almighty splash, it broke the surface and screamed, just as the hook zinged past Felix’ ear.
Wait… Screamed?
Felix blinked.
“What do you think you’re doing, you bloody idiot!!” the man, not fish, exclaimed and ripped his diving mask off. He glared daggers at Felix, who still stood poised with his rod in hand.
Then the man frowned. “Felix?” he said incredulously.
“James?!”
“What on earth are you doing up there?”
“Me?! What are you doing down there?!”
James huffed, paddling against the water. “I asked first.”
“Well, I’m on holiday.” Felix held up the evidence. “Fishing trip. What about you?”
“Assignment,” James answered simply.
The mental image of a mushroom cloud above lake Erie filled Felix’ head. “Hell. Should I be worried?”
“Not particularly,” James said. “Anyway, should get going. Nice chatting with you.”
“Hold on, James, what –”
“Next time… Be careful what you fish for!” James called out, shoved his mouthpiece back between his teeth and submerged.
“Did you just…” Felix began, but James was already gone.
With a sigh, Felix let himself fall back into his seat and rubbed his forehead. They had to stop meeting like this.
#13
Title: Gone Fishing
Author: Merc / the moon of mercury
Warnings: none
Summary: sometimes Bond prefers not to talk about his missions.
“Now you’re just preening,” Q says, rolling his eyes for dramatic effect. “Fishing for compliments. Really, Double-O-Seven, must you always make such a show of everything?”
Bond shrugs and finishes straightening his tie, not bothering to argue. He had been admiring his own reflection on the window of the newly painted DB10.
“Quite a dashing image, if I do say so myself. That’s the point, isn’t it? It’s the Geneva Motor Show, no one’s going to take me for a collector if I don’t look the part. What do you think?”
“I’m not the one you need to convince. All I care about is that you get the job done and bring back my car in one piece.”
“Why so grumpy, Q? I’d hoped you’d at least extend the sentiment to my person besides the car. And maybe wish me good luck? I have a feeling this one won’t be easy.”
“Bollocks, you’re going to seduce her, get the intel, and spectacularly blow things up. All of which you invariably accomplish every time. So, off you go and lay your bait. But please, do me a favour and think of the poor car while you’re at it.”
* *
Q is right. The rich widow falls for his charms, spills her secrets, and buildings explode. Even the Aston survives. A success, all things considered.
Still, it takes him a week after returning to London to face his Quartermaster. The ugly love bites have faded and the overwhelming stench of perfume is nothing but an unpleasant memory. But Q has recordings of the events that went down in her boudoir, and Bond knows for sure he won't let it go.
Unfortunately, his foresight proves right.
“Be careful what you fish for,” he quips the moment Bond steps in, dissolving into laughter.
#14
Title: Look at the Bright Side
Author: MrKsan / starrboned
Warnings: none
Summary: The Quartermaster's job is never easy.
When Bill entered the office, it was dark and quiet. Q sat slumped, painted pale blue under the light of the computer screen.
“Q?” Bill whispered, unsure what he stepped into.
Q looked up, blinking slowly.
“Bill. What are you doing here?”
Bill approached the desk, turning on the lamp. Q flinched from the light, like the sleep-deprived vampire that he was.
“It’s midnight, Q.” Tanner sighed, taking in the wide eyes and the dark shadows under them. “Bond came back hours ago. Why are you still here?"
Q blinked. Bill could almost hear the gears turning in his head.
Christ.
Q pushed a glass bowl from behind the screen. The water inside sloshed wildly from the sharp movement, stirring awake the creature inside.
“It's a... fish?"
“Bond brought it,” Q said. He glared at the fish like it's the source of all of his problems.
“He got you a fish?”
“No,” Q said, eyes narrowing. “He brought back the micro-sized, water-proofed, indestructible hard drive made especially for this mission, containing all the stolen information M asked for."
Bill glanced back at the fish. The fish, who had very sharp teeth inside its slightly gaping mouth.
“Is the hard drive -”
“It's inside the damn piranha!" Q hissed, smacking his head on the table.
Bill couldn't help it.
"Be careful what you fish for, huh?” He said, earning a sharp stare from under the dark mop of curls.
“At least he brought back the equipment this time,” Bill said, smiling apologetically. “Come on, you won’t get anything done by glaring at the fish.”
Q sighed, heavily, but took Bill’s offered hand and stumbled to a stand.
“At least it’s not a komodo dragon this time,“ Q said, as they stepped into the empty parking lot.
Bill couldn't help but laugh.
#15
Title: Cracked
Author: solarmorrigan
Warnings: n/a
Summary: Bond and Q bring down a villain and have a few laughs.
Waves lapped at the sand, offering a gentle, rhythmic backbeat to the sounds of a madman’s island base crashing down in flames.
Bond and Q stood side by side on the beach, each sooty, disheveled, and soaked to the bone. They were sporting various bumps and bruises, some scrapes and burns, but they were pleased with themselves, nonetheless. It had been a grueling few days’ work, filled with more fire, gunplay, and close encounters with sharks and other sharp-toothed marine life than Q was usually comfortable with, but they’d done good work. Yet another villainous plot soundly foiled.
“Well,” Q sighed, “I suppose it’s true what they say.”
“What’s that, Q?” Bond asked idly.
Snickering preemptively, Q answered, “Be careful what you fish for.”
The expected eye-roll and long-suffering sigh never came. Instead, Bond’s expression went curiously blank, before a smile cracked over his face and he began to laugh. It started as a small chuckle before morphing into true, shoulder-shaking amusement, and Q’s own smile slid away in alarm. The joke wasn’t that funny – not that Bond ever laughed at his puns to begin with.
“Oh god, did you sustain head trauma while I wasn’t looking?” Q demanded, his fingers twitching towards Bond’s scalp.
Bond shook his head, still chuckling lightly. “I’m fine, Q. In fact… I’m fintastic.”
In spite of the suspicious anxiety churning in Q’s chest, he couldn’t help it; the pun was so terrible, so ill-timed, so entirely out of place, that Q had to laugh. “Oh, that’s it,” he gasped between giggles, “you’ve finally cracked.”
“I’m fine, Q,” Bond said again, then leaned in to press a kiss to the corner of Q’s smiling mouth before giving him a small shove in the direction of their getaway boat. “Now let’s get out of here.”
