Sitting In The Corner
Sitting in the corner of a room. My brother’s room. Been sleeping in here for the past few days ‘coz weather’s too hot and I find his room’s more cooler than mine. But the room is not the issue in me.
Sitting in the corner of a room, leaned my back behind the room’s door. Holding my phone. I posted a video on Facebook then played it. After the video that I posted played, another videos were played. Still, it’s my posted videos. Videos where you can see my short covers of a song. Some are life events. Those days when we went to Cavite. An event where me and my old students went to Tagaytay. Scenes where many young people are involved especially those whom I led in a Life Group. Most of my posted vids are with Krysia, my cousin whom I really adored. But still, the videos are not the issue in me. As I watched those recorded moments, many memories flashes back. There are just some things that I’ve noticed. It was a good ol’ days of mine where, I am smiling, having a good time with people that I have loved, pouring out what’s in my heart through the songs that I sang. But I realized that I didn’t notice, those days, that yes, I am happy, smiling, laughing, singing, but there’s still a broken part of me which is not completely healed.
In 2015, I left some people whom I’ve just thought today that deep inside of me, I know I am still hurt from them. I left a place in which it became a huge part of my life. It wasn’t an easy decision to leave but my heart is finding a place where it can it can find peace and healing. I decided to start a new beginning in a new place. In 2016, I also started my first job. Everything was really new. I thought everything was fine. It felt like it was the most wonderful moments of my life. Because I thought that I am already free from everything. It’s funny to tell that my thoughts during those days was; maybe I’ll leave the world soon... maybe I’m already in the ending part that says “and they lived hapily ever after.” Then, 2017 came. Maybe some of you will not understand what I am telling, but this feelings are just pertaining to those people whom I loved and just left. Yes, I was left. For so many times, I’ve been left. Had a relationship in 2017, and in just a month, we broke up. 2017 is not the only year where I felt left. That year dug deep of my hurts from the day I started to live and love. Even me, I was too shocked. Became traumatic. And I know, I had a breakdown. Realized that I was so used of being left and being damaged that causes me to damage other people and even myself. Yes, I loved some people and rejected some. Realized that I became too dramatic. Forgot that there are people who gone through what I’ve experienced. Worst is, I didn’t fully understand the word “hope” and didn’t realized there are people that still loves truly.
In the 2nd quarter of 2017, I met a man again where in him, I realized I’m so used to finding a man who will love me truly, but when I see some flaws and some hints that for me, I will be left again, I’m becoming too dramatic, and becoming too self-centered to the point that they will leave, or I will choose to leave. It’s funny to think that I am preaching to people that no one satisfies our hearts. Only God. And that only the Lord can heal our broken heart. Yet, my heart isn’t satisfied. I am not allowing God to heal what’s broken in me. I am not allowing Him to mold me. I failed. Again. Felt like the world crushed me at that moment. For so many times, I have failed but this failure seems to be the most terrifying failure that I’ve been. It almost made me dead. But the grace of the Lord has carried me through since the beginning. Yes, I lived. I live because of His grace. In this year, 2018, I’ve decided again to start a new journey. There are so many things that I have learned from the previous year. And it will took long for me to tell everything. But this year, I have started it in fixing my relationship with the man that I know the Lord has brought to me for me to learn that love isn’t damaging unless you work for it together. The man whom I met from the 2nd quarter of 2017 was with me up to now. He experienced the roller coasters of me, heard the worst stories and words of me, but still, he chose to stay. I told myself to love this man like I wasn’t been damaged before. It’s time for me to payback.
Sitting in the corner of this room. Thinking of how thankful I am that after so many failures, God’s grace still sustains me. Thankful to those people who didn’t left. Thankful to those who helped. I may be left for so many times by people, but the Lord didn’t left. And He said to His Word that He will never leave. He always makes a way leading me to Him.
Today, I can say that this is not the end yet, it’s just only the beginning. Whatever it may take, I will still choose to love.