#leaking words

[zotarozoestar]

...

i miss you.

but you'll probably never speak to me again.

i wish i was better at hate. i wish i could stop caring about the people who have really hurt me.

but i can't. my love doesn't work like that.

you'll always be a part of me. no matter how much it hurts me.

sometimes the pain reminds me of why i'm alive.

because it must have been good, for me to miss it this much.

[zotarozoestar]

Let me swim in the vestiges of what we once were

What we once had

The skeletons and ghosts of our love, explored in earnest by tearful eyes, just seeking comfort in a paradise lost

The sole custodian of a crumbling world

Nothing left to hold onto, nothing left to give..

An eternal prison, wrapped in faux love and obsession

Feast upon me for sustenance

And let me revel in unholy bliss

Dark and stained by all that shaped us

Teetering on death, hang my crux

Pick me apart like a doll

This place will be my resting place

Will you stay beside me

While I fumble in the darkness

[zotarozoestar]

You were so deep

So consuming

I was lost in you

Like an ocean of darkness and wonder to be explored

Like for the first time I had broken beneath the waves and started to feel, started to grasp desperately around me for something to hold onto, but nothing was there.

I was lost. Gently rocked back and forth in your waves.

The way you made me feel.

The way my heart sang along to your rhythm, and wanted nothing more than to be a part of the symphony.

[zotarozoestar]

...and I still think of you whenever I see Bobcats.

makes me wonder if people realize the real damage they do by being careless with the feelings of others.

or maybe it's my fault, for loving beyond social norms. Maybe I'm just careless in the face of love versus self preservation.

[zotarozoestar]

I don't think I've ever had a mutual best friend.

It's always been second place or nothing.

It turns out while I'm convenient for social lubrication, that's about where my usefulness to people stops.

Useful.

I don't want to be useful anymore.

[zotarozoestar]

I feel the ebb and the flow

Of my past tained memories, they don't want to let me go, they're taking place in the revelry

In the unwinding of me, they look on through the travesty

Smiling and dancing away, as I lose all my sanity

[zotarozoestar]

Things aren't looking great.

I can't seem to get away from these feelings.

Feelings of doubt, hopelessness, exhaustion. Feeling like things might not get better for me, like this is it. As if I'm on borrowed time.

I think I need to be hospitalized. My therapist and psychiatrist agree. I think the only reason it hasn't happened yet it because I stopped seeing them both months ago. That, and I can't afford it.

I don't know if I'll get the help I need before it's too late. I'm trying really hard to be okay. The symptoms were always physical but rarely did they make it hard to breathe before. This panic has reached a new degree of physicality.

And I can't help but wonder if it's my body's way of trying to scream for help. Telling me that what I'm feeling isn't normal, or sustainable. And every time it flares, it's like I've lost another piece of me.

I don't know where to go anymore.

[zotarozoestar]

It's been so long, I'm starting to think, youll never

fall

away from my mind