Synopsis: After taking Legolas, your partner, to visit your “Stardust” addict brother, things get a little chaotic.
A/N: I’ve been thinking about Legolas a lot lately, and one thought that’s recently crossed my mind is “what if Legolas got high on crack?” and my brain ran with the rest. Sometimes you just gotta write about an elf on cocaine.
Warnings: drug abuse, addiction, peer pressure, mentions of sex, a very crazy and over-the-top elf high on Stardust.
Dismounting your respective horses, both you and Legolas dropped to the pine needles below. You had finally arrived at your brother’s secluded cottage in the forest, away from the hustle and bustle of the cities.
“I can’t believe he actually managed to afford a place to live,” you scoffed, thinking of your brother.
He had suffered many years with addiction to “Stardust”—a white powder when once inhaled, made your body react faster and more impulsively than usual.
“Try to be optimistic,” Legolas soothed. He wrapped one arm around your shoulder and kissed your head. “Keep in mind how much you want your older brother at our wedding, and that’ll put things into perspective.”
“Yeah,” you sighed, supposing he was right. “This wouldn’t be the first time Franny lied about ‘being better’, though.”
“No,” Legolas agreed, walking you both forward towards the cottage, arm around your back. “But this is the first time he’s said so upon us getting married in a month.”
The grin he gave you was one brimming in lovesickness, as he studied your eyes.
You arched a brow up at him over his words, knowing exactly how elvish marriages were undertaken, and how you technically already were husband and wife.
Catching your expression, he cleared his throat sheepishly, and responded with, “Well…married formally, at least.”
You rolled your eyes away from him, but couldn’t fight the smile on your face. However, it soon ran away, as you both arrived at the closed front door.
You inhaled tightly, and spoke aloud. “Here we are, I suppose.”
Hearing the premature disappointment in your voice, Legolas looked down his side at you. Grabbing hold of both of your hands, he gazed into your eyes and reassured you.
“Hey,” he lulled, earning your full attention. “It’s all going to be fine, all right? You needn’t worry about your family embarrassing you in front of me, like you mentioned on the road. We’ve talked about this whole ‘prince and commoner’ thing at length. I wouldn’t have…married you if I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.”
Your heart melted and your knees turned to mush, as you smiled up at him—bursting with love.
He returned the look and brought one hand up to cup your cheek. Running a thumb along your cheekbone, he began tilting your head upwards.
Still feeling your stomach flutter after all these years, you eyed him in excitement, before steadily closing your lids.
Right before his lips could brush against yours, however, the door to your brother’s cottage slammed opened.
Jolting away from one another, you both looked at Francis in shock. He looked every bit like you, but taller.
A broad grin was on Francis’ face, as he eyed his sister up.
“Y/n!” he exclaimed, rushing forwards to tackle you into a hug. “I’m so glad you made it! Oh! I haven’t seen you in years! And to think that you’re now getting married! Speaking of which—”
He pulled back from squeezing you blue, to size up Legolas instead. He strutted forwards with a low, manly laugh, and gripped a suddenly rigid and wide-eyed Legolas tight on the shoulders.
“My future brother-in-law!” he exclaimed, quickly pulling the protesting elf into a bear hug. “An elf, AND a prince! I can’t believe how well my sister scored!”
Laughing nervously, Legolas awkwardly wrapped his arms around Francis, patting him on the back. The only person he’d ever truly been skin-to-skin intimate with was you. Everyone else got a closed fist to the chest, or a shoulder clasp.
“It’s wonderful to finally meet you, Francis,” Legolas said, politely.
“Francis?” he exclaimed, pulling back and holding Legolas straight by the shoulders. “Who are you, my mother? Don’t be so formal, your highness! You can just call me ‘Franny’, like Y/n here does!”
He turned to you with a broad grin, and you returned it, though, in a lipped manner. Legolas offered a tight and confused grin back, unsure at the best of times on how to interact with humans. Francis was certainly the most bizarre one he’d met yet.
He almost regretted encouraging you to visit him, but the thought of your nearing wedding day ahead drove him forward, as well as one simple, repetitive thought.
Do it for Y/n.
Do it for Y/n.
Do it for Y/n.
“Well, don’t be strangers now!” Francis pressed on, ushering you both inside. “Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Tea? Moonshine?”
“Tea is fine, Franny,” you said in an almost scolding tone, knowing he shouldn’t drink at all.
As you stepped inside of the home, you inspected every nook and cranny with your eyes—expecting bags of Stardust to be lying around.
However, to your surprise, there were none.
“Tea coming right up!” Franny declared, whisking away to the kitchen. “Please! Make yourselves at home down at the table!”
Legolas thanked him with a smile, and sat you down in a gentlemanly manner, before taking his seat next to you.
Looking around the room, and pleasantly surprised with your brother, you voiced so aloud.
“Wow, Franny, this place actually looks amazing! I’m quite proud of you—it seems as though you’ve really cleaned up your act this time, as opposed to the last occasion.”
“I’m completely clean, sister!” his voice came from the kitchen. You could also hear the whistling of a kettle and the rattling of drawers.
You smiled up at Legolas with excitement in your eyes, as you truly believed your brother. He returned your smile, and offered a brighter one as you spoke.
“I think he’s really done it…should we invite him now?”
“Absolutely,” he encouraged. “Do you want to go get the invitation out of the saddle-bags?”
Nodding resolutely, you stood to your feet. You placed a peck against his lips, before leaving out the door again.
“Make friends with him,” you said, before leaving with a happy skip in your step.
He waved you goodbye, before Francis’ voice caught his attention.
“Y/n! Hey, do you think—oh, where’d she go?”
Legolas looked over his shoulder to find Francis’ head sticking out of the entranceway into the kitchen, as he looked left and right for his sister.
“She’s just stepped outside for a moment,” Legolas answered, politely.
“Oh, thank fuck,” Francis dropped his act, and his expression.
The change in demeanour chased the smile away from Legolas’ face, as he parted his lips in shock up at the man.
“I beg your pardon?” Legolas asked, already on the “what did you just say about my wife?” boat.
“She can be a real nagger sometimes,” Francis explained. He dropped to his knees and pulled a wooden plank out from the floorboards. Underneath, a brown bag of white powder lay.
He fetched it quickly, and came to sit on the couch next to Legolas, but a few feet away. Francis then began pouring a handful out, where he next went onto inhaling some.
“What are you doing?!” Legolas nearly squealed, jumping to his feet, as if a snake was just placed next to him.
“Elevating myself. What’s it look like, elf?” Francis sassed, quirking a brow up at Legolas.
“Are you insane?” the angry side of Legolas emerged. “Y/n just left to retrieve your wedding invitation, and you’re betraying her trust?”
“Relax, would you?” Francis complained, inhaling more of the dust from his hand. “What she doesn’t know won’t kill her.”
“Uh, I’m standing right here,” Legolas pointed out, gesturing to his body.
Looking his brother-in-law up and down, Francis replied, using a very monotonous voice. “Uh, yeah, I can see that. You’re a real stud of a stallion, so what?”
“No, that’s not what I—” Legolas went to defend himself. However, he bit his tongue and pressed both hands together in a praying motion. He brought said hands up to his face, and rested his forehead against them.
Closing his eyes, Legolas took a deep breath of his own.
“Wow, you look really stressed there, my friend,” Franny pointed out, holding the bag up next. “Would you like to try some?”
Jolted back into his senses, Legolas gaped down at the man for a minute in shock, before anger gave way again. “NO, FRANCIS! I WOULD NOT LIKE SOME OF YOUR DRUGS! Y/n will be devastated when she finds out you’re using again! And I encouraged her to give you another chance—I see why she was so against it now.”
The frown and glare of Legolas only deepened, as Franny rose to his feet, squaring up with the slightly taller elf.
“Hey, pal, you have no idea what I’m all about,” he growled, nodding his head in gesture of the elf. “And besides, who are you to judge? You’ve never even tried Stardust before!”
“Oh,” Legolas scoffed, rolling his eyes, “excuse me for having never done drugs before, what a horribly ignorant elf I am.”
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” Francis urged, holding up a handful to Legolas’ nose. “C’mon, just a little sniff! You’ll feel a lot calmer soon, I promise!”
“No!” Legolas rejected, swatting his hands. “Get that stuff away from me, Francis!”
“C’mon!” Francis drew out, trying to put it underneath Legolas’ dodging nose. “Just a little bit of Stardust won’t hurt you!”
“No, but it’ll hurt Y/n!” he protested, trying to move away from the adamant man.
“Just a little!” he urged again, chasing Legolas, as the elf was backed into a corner.
“No!”
“Yes!”
“NO!”
“YES!”
“I SAID NO!”
“Okay, you know what?” Francis rolled his eyes, now fully having the elf cornered. “Here!”
With one big puff of air, the entire handful of Stardust blew into Legolas’ face, entering his system almost immediately.
Legolas rapidly blinked his eyes open and shut, as he tried to get rid of the dust. The white powder danced between the man and elf in an equal amount, getting both high very quickly.
As the dust fluttered down to the floor, looking as though a bag of flour had just exploded, Legolas stared at his brother-in-law in shock.
“You…” he attempted to say, before he felt the pumping of his heart increase.
“Oh, yes, my friend,” Francis grinned, nodding his head. “You’re in for a good time…”
~
Outside, you had finally found the wedding invitation in your saddle-bag, now heading back on over towards the cottage.
You barely had time to announce your presence again, for the first thing you saw upon re-entering was your brother and husband kneeled on the floor, speaking fast and brooming up…flour?
“I feel like everything’s gonna work out, you know? Because I’m like clockwork!” your brother said, all in one go, to Legolas, as they quickly broomed everything up. “Look how fast I’m cleaning this mess up! Clockwork! I’m moving super-fast! Look at me go!”
Legolas nodded vehemently, and raised one finger to speak over the top of your brother, as they both continued vigorously cleaning the floor.
“Y-You know what’s funny? Can I speak? You know what’s funny?” he began, quick as a whip. “I feel like I should be panicking right now, and I am a little bit, but in a very, very good way—like a good kind of panic, because I feel like I want to die right now, but I also feel very, very good—”
“Hey!” you called, staring at them in confusion. “What on earth are you guys doing?”
“Y/n!” Legolas gasped, shooting to his feet.
Jumping over the couch in a way that made your eyes go wide, Legolas was instantly stood before you.
“I feel amazing!” he revealed, grabbing a chunk of blonde hair either side of his head, and pulling outwards. “LOOK HOW LONG MY HAIR IS! It’s growing out of my head right now—can you believe that? Isn’t that sort of disgusting? Ew, I’ve just made myself feel uncomfortable in my own body—”
Legolas gasped brightly, and met your eyes again. This was where you saw how dilated they were.
“CAN I BORROW YOUR BODY INSTEAD?” he asked, suddenly grabbing your waist. “THAT’S A BRILLIANT IDEA! And I know how to go inside, too, so it’ll all feel much better soon—”
“Are you high on…Stardust?!” you exclaimed, removing his hands from your waist.
Legolas blinked down at you rapidly for a few seconds, before slowly answering.
“No…?”
“I can’t believe it,” you seethed. Pushing past Legolas, you glared down at your laughing brother. “You’re absolutely deplorable, Francis! Don’t even THINK about showing up to the wedding!”
You tore up his invitation, and threw it down onto the ground below. You next began shoving a reluctant Legolas out of the house.
Fortunately, once he felt the pine needles on his feet (he was barefoot, for some reason), he gasped loudly and took off running.
“LOOK HOW GREEN IT IS!” he exclaimed. “HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW GREEN IT IS? THE COLOURS ARE BURSTING RIGHT NOW ALL AROUND ME. I feel as though it’s sort of designed in my honour, you know? As in, nature really understands—SQUIRREL—what my name means.”
You rubbed your temples with a grinding of your teeth, as you watched your husband sprint off to climb a tree, where he beckoned you to join.
Growling, you spoke lowly under your breath.
“This is going to be a long ride home…”
Hearing a strangled yelp, you noticed that Legolas had already fallen out of the tree. You sighed, and began walking over—already knowing your words to be true.
my roommates and I have a new tradition. as children, whenever we would throw up, we would go tell our moms and that would be that. well, we have no moms here. therefore, whenever one of us vomits and no one is around to here those three words, we go to the communal Legolas poster and just whisper… “Legolas, I threw up.” then back to bed we go, regretting the spicy water.
In light of recent events, I’ve taken the liberty to add Loki to my iconic chaotic bi energy gif, and I’m pleased to say I’ve collected the holy trinity of bi disasters
