#lekhan

[cheesearchives]

Somehow getting to take a break and having less anxiety means that I have more of a bandwidth to write and create. Which also means that I'm re-reading and re-watching random things

But I'm also reading new things - like at least four books at a time. I haven't finished even one yet but I'll get there. And watching new movies that that are random and some weird but oh gosh.

The amount of inspiration you can get from the most random places. After literal ages I want to write again. It feels like breathing again. Can't believe it takes so much to be able to write again. But here we are.

[cheesearchives]

People can sometimes offer you everything and then take it back just on a whim. It's so painful to be on the other end of this give and take. I learned to be dependent on someone and then they step back and say they don't want it anymore. Even though once they'd asked me so many times to depend on them. But now they don't want it anymore.

I can't even hold them to their promise because I don't want anything that's not out of free will.

But.

Didn't you think? Didn't they think that it would hurt? It would be painful? How do I. Why do I need to deal with other people being this way? Why is it me.

[cheesearchives]

tell me how you can trust someone once they've told you that they want to leave you. that they want to abandon you. the problem is not you but them. they're to blame. you call them a coward and call them out on their shit. they listen and sit back down. think about how the right thing to do is to stop running away and face what's bothering them.

but now the trust is gone. gone gone long gone. how can i trust them? how can i be myself again with them? there's a distance and a tall wall in between that i did not build. once they were the person i could be myself with. no restrictions and complete freedom. no more. all of that is gone. what if i say something and that triggers them off again to do what they did. to run from me again.

please don't leave me but never in a million years will I beg you to stay. i don't know what to do now that I don't trust you. i cannot be myself anymore. where do i go now? what do i do? leave if you must. i'll never hold you back.