im not doing okay. Haven't been for a bit. I was better, and I finally felt good about what I was doing. In college, learning to do something that I can be proud of. But I've fucked it up. I've fucked it up so fucking bad. I gave in for a week, didn't go to class because I felt so bad, drained, and I guess I wanted time to wallow, maybe piece myself back together better than before and come back again at full swing. but. but I didn't. It was that first week. and then another. and then another. and I wanted to stop, to go back, but the weight of everything I missed was smothering on my shoulders and I was terrified to go back. And I still am. And I keep telling myself that I'm going to make everything right again, that I'm going to fix it and come back but I just need one more day. But I never do. I never fucking do and I'm so frustrated with myself because now it seems so impossible to fix this and it IS and it's MY FAULT no matter how much I want to deny it or blame it on something else. It's my fault. And with the all-consuming fury of my self hatred encompassing my mind with every waking moment I hoped that it could at least inspire me to make things as right as I can with everything I've messed up, but. It's not. At least it hasn't been. I feel impassioned to do SOMETHING tonight, because I know the longer I hold out the worse it'll be. So I'm staying up. And attempting to fix this. And I'm gonna stop letting myself run away. And I'm going to try to face the consequences of my actions. I just hope that I didn't. Destroy my future with this. There's so much more to it that I'm too tired to put into words, but I just. Needed to let out these feelings that have been festering me these past few weeks. And I guess this was it. Sorry this isn't even understandable but nobody will really see it anyways, I guess. I don't feel better but I feel a little more focused, I guess. let's hope I can keep it
