“Ugh. Not the Jingle Bell Rock again.” David groans, reaching out to turn down the radio.
“Don’t turn it down!” Jude exclaims. “Do you seriously not like Jingle Bell Rock?”
David sighs, but pulls his hand away from the volume control. “It’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just that I’ve been hearing it ten times a day since November first and I’m getting tired of it.”
“Well, sorry that the Christmas season doesn’t speak to your soul the way it should.” Jude jokes with a smirk before continuing to speak with a dramatic tone. “Your cold, dead grinch heart might yet be warmed by the magic of Christmas, for we are going to the most magical place on earth, off-brand winter wonderland!”
Leo snorts and glances in the rearview mirror to see Jude. “I’m not sure it will be enough. David has a particular brand of non-magical vibes.”
“Is that so? Did you get coal one too many times, David?” Jude asks teasingly.
David has shrunk into his seat with a scowl and crossed arms. “You two are unbearable.”
“And you are killing the vibe.” Leo replies to him. “C’mon David. Cheer up and enjoy the fact that we’re about to fill up on sugar, cider, and Christmas Spirit.”
David rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Let me be a killjoy for a few more minutes.”
“Yeah, Leo. You gotta let him get the goth vibes out before he can truly enjoy the mood.” Jude once again jokes from the backseat.
David rolls his eyes one more time, but then he straightens up in the seat and turns around to look at Jude. “Have you been to Night of Lights before?”
“No. This is the first year I’ve been living in this area.” Jude says. “Though other places also have various Christmas events, so I’ve likely been to similar ones.”
“Yeah. I went to one once that had a hayride through the woods. They had a bunch of lights set up and you got to just sit and sip hot chocolate and stuff.” David says.
“Is that it?” Leo says, directing their attention back to the front of the car. In the distance they can see colorful lights.
“It must be. I can’t think of any other reason the middle of nowhere would be glowing.” David says sarcastically.
“If you keep being sassy, I’m going to gag you.” Leo jokes.
“Kinky.” Jude adds on.
David’s face goes red. “You two are unbearable.”
“You’ve already said that tonight, come up with a new phrase.” Leo says as he turns onto a smaller road that is decorated with lights along both sides.
They all become quiet as they look out the windows. Leo slows down so that they can enjoy the different decorations on the way to the parking lot. There are lights arching across the road so that they seem to be driving through a glowing tunnel. Small figures of elves are set up to look like they are peeking around the trunks of trees. Jude even thinks he sees a figure of Santa hidden up in the branches of a tree that is a little further off the trail.
When they park the car and get out David immediately sighs.
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air~
“I swear this song is haunting me.” He says.
Leo laughs. “Yes, I’m sure the radio men are out to get you in particular.”
“Well, that’s what it feels like.” David drags his feet for a moment before catching up to Jude and Leo. They head towards a cluster of buildings. Jude can smell hot chocolate and apple cider as they get closer.
Although they are living a little too far south for a white Christmas, Jude appreciates the crunch of dead grass under their feet and the nippy wind that puts a very attractive blush on David’s cheeks. Jude has to pause for a moment at that thought and ever so slightly shake his head, as though he could remove it from his mind like an etch-a-sketch. He has gotten to the point of realizing that he really does like David and Leo, and that it is not going away, so he’s employing a new strategy in order to not constantly feel like he’s pining after them. This new strategy includes no longer allowing himself to entertain these kinds of thoughts. If he only thinks friendly things about them, surely his feelings will turn friendly as well.
The three of them approach the stall that is selling food and drinks. Jude gets hot chocolate, Leo gets an apple cider, and David gets some peppermint-coffee-sugar monstrosity—mainly to spite Leo who warned against drinking coffee this late in the evening.
“I’m just saying that if you’re tossing and turning in bed I will banish you to the couch. Your bad decision will not affect my sleep.” Leo says as they make their way to a forest trail that has been decorated with Christmas lights.
The Night of Lights is a community project that decorates hiking trails with lights, streamers, and other decorations to try and create a magical Christmas experience in the week leading up to the 25th. Jude didn’t know that it existed, but apparently Leo used to go when he was a kid. Although he didn’t say it explicitly, Jude got the feeling that the last time that he went was before his brother died. It makes Jude wonder why he’d want to go back now.
“Jude!” David says, at a volume that makes Jude think he may have been saying his name for a while.
“What?” Jude looks over at him and he sighs.
“I was going to ask what your favorite Christmas movie is, but now I’m more curious about what’s got you off in dreamland.”
“I’m not in dreamland.” Jude says, looking back towards the lights overhead. “I’m just enjoying the lights.”
“And what are you thinking about?” David asks.
Jude doesn’t know why that question suddenly rubs him the wrong way. It’s an innocent question and David has definitely asked it before, but today it just sets something off in Jude.
“Nothing.” Jude answers in an almost instinctual way. The way he always did when adults would ask him what he was thinking as a child. A moment after Jude says it he questions why he did. David is not one of his many caregivers. He’s his friend and he has absolutely never given Jude a reason to think that he would judge him for his thoughts. In fact, David is an extraordinarily open person in most situations.
“Oh. Okay.” David says. There’s something in his tone that Jude doesn’t like. He hopes he didn’t upset David or something. He wishes he could explain that he didn’t mean to answer that way, that for some reason his messed-up brain decided that David was a threat for a moment. It seems like that would take too much explaining, though, and Jude just wants to move on from this moment.
“So… you were talking about Christmas movies?” Jude asks, prompting David to dive back into a conversation about the pros and cons of various Christmas movies. Leo regularly disagrees with him, more for entertainment purposes than anything. Jude has a feeling that Leo could care less about most of these movies, it’s just funny to watch David get heated about a claymation where Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is bullied for half the movie and an elf decides that he wants to be a dentist.
Throughout their hike through the lights conversation flows and pauses naturally. That moment of discomfort that Jude experienced near the beginning doesn’t return and he’s able to focus on the moments that are happening right now. When they reach the end of the trail they find themselves back where they started. They decide to get another drink—this time Jude gets cider, Leo gets hot chocolate, and David still gets the coffee (to spite Leo)—and then find a place to sit a little ways away from the crowd.
Jude has been watching a snowball-fight made of lights for a few moments, trying to figure out if the “thrown” light snowballs are random or on a timer, when he hears a small sniffle. He turns to look at Leo and David, only to find that Leo is quietly crying.
David reaches out to take his hand, comfortingly brushing his fingers over Leo’s knuckles. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s… There’s nothing wrong. I’m just-” Leo pauses to take a calming breath, it shutters slightly on the way out “-I’m just a little upset that I’m enjoying myself.”
“Why would you be upset about that?” Jude asks. He doesn’t mean for it to sound harsh or judgemental, but after the words leave his mouth he realizes that they might be read that way. It’s just that… What Leo said doesn’t make any sense.
“It. It’s a little silly.” Leo pauses again and wipes his face. Even though he appears calm, small trails of tears keep appearing. “It’s just that-” another pause “-the last time I came where was with Leonard. Every time that I’ve come here, it was with Leonard. To be here without him… it makes me feel…”
Leo cuts himself off completely and David squeezes his hand. “It’s alright, Leo. Take your time.”
“After he died I spent a very long time being miserable.” Leo starts talking again, trying to convey his meaning from a different angle. “It reached a point where it wasn’t even out of grief. Or, it was, it just wasn’t because I was processing it. Anything that I related to Leonard became… agony. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, much less visit any place I had associated with him.”
“It took me years to realize that what I was doing… the avoidance, the…” Leo swallows, skipping past whatever he was going to say. “It just took me a long time to realize that what I was doing wasn’t doing anything. It wasn’t going to bring Leonard back. It wasn’t going to… I don’t know, make his absence hurt any less. It definitely wasn’t helping me move on. So I realized I had to stop. I couldn’t live the way I was living.”
Once again, Leo pauses for a long moment. He takes a few deep breaths and once again wipes his face. “So I-” His voice cracks and he takes a moment to swallow “-so I started visiting the places we used to go. A lot of the time I took Darrius with me, and I slowly got back to a place that I could call ‘fairly normal’. But-” a breath “-I hadn’t ever managed to come back here. Of all the places that we went together, this wasn’t even a particularly special spot. Even so, just thinking about coming here just made me feel… bad. But I don’t think it should. I don’t want to feel bad about these things anymore. I know Leonard wouldn’t want me to.”
Leo looks between Jude and David, the first time he’s managed to look them in the eyes during this conversation. “So, I decided that I wanted to try to come here this year. I was going to go with Darrius, but then I thought about how much I wanted to spend time with the two of you and I thought that if anyone could make this night bearable it would be y’all.”
“I’m glad we could be here for you.” David says immediately. Jude feels like he should say something too, but his voice seems to have left him.
“So, yeah, that’s why I feel… a bit upset.” Leo says a bit awkwardly. “Thanks for… being here and listening to my monologue.”
“I mean… I'm pretty sure I could listen to you monologue about anything, so don’t worry about it.” Goddammit, Jude! That was totally inappropriate. Why the hell is he so shit at dealing with feelings?
Luckily, Leo just chuckles at that. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t mind it. And I hope I didn’t ruin the mood.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” David says. “If anything this just gives us more time together because now we obviously need to get you one of those chocolate-marshmallow snowmen that I saw being sold.”
Leo laughs again at that, a little more genuinely. “Be careful, I might think that you’re using my little breakdown to get treats.”
“What? No! I would never. The chocolate-marshmallow man is entirely for you.” David says in a mock-offended tone before switching to a sly smirk. “The white-chocolate snowflake will be my treat for your breakdown.”
Leo rolls his eyes. “Wow. Such a good boyfriend I have, taking advantage of me for an excuse to have sugar.”
“Hey! You would do the same for me.” David jokes.
The three of them end up each getting a treat ‘for Leo’s breakdown’ and then finishing the night by sitting in the back of Leo’s van and listening to the Christmas music being blasted across the parking lot.
What a bright time, it’s the right time
To rock the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh
“OH MY GOD!” David exclaims when he realizes which song is playing. “Why are they playing it AGAIN?!”
Leo and Jude just laugh at him. The three of them have ended up pressed together in the bed of Leo’s van in order to use the one blanket that he brought to stay warm. Jude can’t help the thought that this feels a lot like toeing the line of cuddling with them, but he argues that if he didn’t he would just be cold and the two of them clearly don’t mind. The logical part of his mind that is trying to preserve his emotional well-being disagrees, but Jude is an expert at ignoring reason so he doesn’t think too hard about it.
“Oh, come on, David! It’s a nice song.” Jude says before singing along just to be annoying. “Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet-”
“Jingle around the clock~” Leo joins in, causing David to roll his eyes.
“Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet,” Leo and Jude sing together, “That’s the jingle bell rock!”
“You two suck.” David says, cutting off their rendition.
“What? I sing wonderfully.” Jude puts a hand over his chest in mock offense.
Leo, who is sat between David and Jude, scoots away from David and presses up against Jude’s side. “If you don’t like it, maybe I should just stick with Jude.” He wraps an arm around Jude’s shoulder to pull him flush against his side.
“What? Jude, I can’t believe you’re stealing my boyfriend!” David exclaims jokingly. Jude can’t even joke back due to the fact that his face suddenly feels unusually warm and his throat feels like he might actually be choking on his feelings.
Luckily, Leo picks up the joke. “He’s not stealing me. You’re pushing me away with your lack of Christmas spirit.”
Something about the combination of the conversation and the closeness has put Jude right back onto the edge that he found earlier tonight. Jude tries to take a deep breath, but he can’t manage it. The dread that likes to sit in his belly is spreading up into his lungs and out into his limbs. Everything is beginning to feel heavy and tight. Jude tries to think about something—anything—but his mind has gone blank and his ears have begun to ring. On some level he knows that he’s just having another panic attack, that it will pass like all the others, but the vast majority of his mind seems convinced that he’s going to die at this moment. And the real trouble is, he doesn’t even know why he’s panicking. His frustration at the situation, however, is definitely not going to help him calm down.
It takes a while, but Jude realizes that someone seems to be talking to him. He thinks it might be David. His voice sounds really far away, though. It takes a long time for Jude to process his words, and when he does it feels less like he actually heard David speak and more like he just finally understood what was being said.
David is trying to help him breathe. He’s taking deep breaths with Jude’s hand pressed against his chest so that he can feel the movement. After Jude realizes this it takes him a few moments before he is actually able to copy the breaths. His chest hurts.
“That’s great, Jude. Just keep breathing like that.” Jude is finally able to actually hear David’s voice as it breaks through all the fog in his head. “That’s it. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four-”
Jude doesn’t know how long he listens to David count. It somehow feels like no time at all, but also forever. Eventually, Jude starts processing the whole situation. He recognizes that he’s laying down. His head is on a squishmellow that Leo keeps in the van and the blanket has been put over him. David is sitting next to him, holding his hand against his chest. The way he is seated blocks Jude from being able to see out the back of the van. Based on how quiet it is, he assumes they must have shut the doors. He can’t see Leo.
As soon as Jude fully realizes what happened he is internally cursing himself. What the hell was that about? Leo put an arm around him and he just… freaked the fuck out? Doesn’t he want to be close to them? Now they definitely won’t ever do that again. Maybe this will even be what finally makes them want to stop hanging out. Now they’ve realized that he’s unstable not-in-a-fun-way and they won’t want to be associated with that. Jude needs to leave. He needs to go far away. He needs-
“Hey, Jude! Don’t lose focus. You’re doing so well.” David draws his attention away from the spiral. “Just keep breathing.”
Jude goes back to focusing on David and taking shaky breaths. He still can’t see Leo. “S-sorry. I’m sorry.” Jude starts saying, he repeats himself a few times before his words are clear enough for David to understand.
“Shhh, Jude. You don’t have to apologize. It’s okay.” David says, but Jude just shakes his head.
They were having a good night. Leo was able to talk about his brother and take a step forward in healing. It was fun. There is no reason for Jude to be acting like this. He’s taking all the attention from Leo, who actually needs it. Where is Leo? Why is David here with him and not Leo? Did he upset him?
This time, Jude manages to stop himself from spiraling. Regardless of the situation, he has to calm himself down. He can’t think about the future and how he’s certainly fucked up… something because if he keeps breaking down then eventually David will get sick of holding his hand and then he’ll have to work through this alone.
Jude has no idea how much time has passed by the time his lungs feel full of air and his head is reattached to his shoulders. All he knows is that David and Leo must be so annoyed with him right now. It’s just in his nature to ruin good things.
“Jude, are you feeling well enough to sit up?” David asks once he realizes Jude has calmed himself.
Something about David asking that hurts. It shouldn’t hurt. He doesn’t deserve David’s care anyways so it makes sense he would take it away as soon as Jude is back to himself. Jude just nods and David helps him to sit up.
Once he is upright, Jude is able to see into the front of the van where Leo is sat in the driver's seat. He’s looking back at them with a worried expression. “Are you alright?” He asks.
“Yeah.” Jude replies automatically. “I’m fine. Sorry about that.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” Leo says. He looks like he wants to add on something else, but chooses not to. “We should probably get back into the city. It’s getting pretty late.”
“Oh. Okay.” Jude should not feel this disappointed. Of course they’re going to want to go home. Who in their right mind would want to keep hanging out after he basically threw a fit for no reason.
Leo starts the car and Jude is surprised to find that David stays in the back with him. He expected for him to join Leo in the front. The first half of the drive is very quiet. It feels awkward to Jude. Maybe David was right earlier. Being here tonight really has become unbearable.
It must be unbearable to Leo too, because he puts on the radio after a while.
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time
Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square
In the frosty air~
David groans and bangs his head against the wall of the car. “Not this GODDAM SONG AGAIN!”
Jude and Leo burst out laughing.
The quiet of the car doesn’t break even as the song fades out and changes to another, but David’s little outburst has popped some of the tension that was hanging in the air. With the music in the background and David grumbling about rioting, Jude is able to pull his logical brain back from the depths of the hell that is his mind. If he really thinks about it, the reason that they are going home now is because it is just late at night. Maybe Jude having a panic attack ended their night a little prematurely, but he certainly didn’t ruin it. There’s some awkwardness in the car, but neither of them seem mad at him. He still feels back about what happened (especially because he took attention from Leo) but it isn’t the end of the world. He just has to keep telling himself that.
They are not going to stop hanging out with him over one panic attack.
Leo said he wants David and Jude to come, therefore he must enjoy both of their company.
They had a good time talking and playing around.
It was a good night.
Jude did not ruin it.
He did not ruin it.
It’s fine.
As they pull up to Jude’s apartment complex, Leo finally speaks up. He turns around in the seat so that he can look at Jude. “Jude… Before you go I wanted to apologize. I’m not really sure what happened back there, but I’m sorry if I caused it. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or scare you or something.”
“Wha- no! That wasn’t your fault!” Jude says. “It was… I just…” He can’t seem to reach for what he wants to say.
David, in the same way he encouraged Leo earlier that evening, says, “It’s okay Jude. Take your time.”
Even though they’re just words, the fact that David said them almost helps Jude take a breath and reassess. Why exactly did he freak out? Leo had his arm around him and had pressed Jude against his side. He joked that he would leave David for Jude. When Jude thinks about it now, both of these things just seem silly. Jude loves to be touched and held. He was perfectly happy pressed against Leo’s side up until the point that he started talking about “leaving David”, but that was a joke. A joke. It doesn’t mean anything. Obviously he would never leave David for Jude, and Jude would never want him to. Was it that, on some level, the conversation implied some kind of betrayal?
Jude thinks about that and it makes his gut squirm. Neither of them would betray each other like that. And Jude wouldn’t ever want to betray either of them like that. No matter how much he wants them, he wants them to be happy even more. And they’re happy with each other.
Even with all this thinking, Jude is unable to come up with something to say. To try to explain seems way too complicated, plus it would require him revealing that he likes them in a not-so-friendly manner.
Instead of giving any real explanation, Jude shrugs. “I don’t know. It wasn’t anything important… but it wasn’t your fault! It just… happens sometimes.”
“Do you have panic attacks like that often?” David asks. It’s clear that he’s trying to sound neutral, but some concern peeks through the cracks.
“I have them… sometimes. I don’t think it’s that often.” Jude says without confidence.
“How often is sometimes?” David asks.
Jude tries to think of what would be a reasonable number. “A few times a week?” His statement sounds more like a question.
“That… is a lot of panic attacks.” David says. If David thinks that's a lot, Jude is glad that he didn’t tell him the real number. “Have you ever talked to someone about that? Like a doctor?”
“Eh… no. I never thought about bringing it up.” Jude says. The real answer to this would be that Jude has not seen a doctor since he was twelve and he has no intention of seeing one ever again.
“Maybe you should. You wouldn’t want something like this to get out of hand. Mental health is really important to keep track of.” Jude feels like David is prodding too hard. He doesn’t really want him to be concerned in this manner. It makes Jude feel nervous.
“Thank you for the advice, Nurse David.” Jude manages to add some humor into his voice and David grins a little bit.
“What can I say? I just want to make sure you’re healthy.” David says.
Jude lets out a quiet laugh as he finally exits the van. He waves at them as the drive off before he heads upstairs to his apartment. Once inside, he practically falls onto his new mattress. He hasn’t gotten a bed-frame yet, though he’s 99% sure they’re unnecessary anyways so he may never get one.
He lays in bed in the quiet night for a while before rolling over and reaching for the small radio he has by his bed. Jude turns it on and sighs as the quiet music filters into the room. Today had a lot of ups and downs. He can’t quite call it a good day, but he won’t let himself call it a bad one either. It was just a day. A day spent with his friends. His friends who don’t mind when he acts a little strange… or a lot strange. He didn’t ruin anything.
Jude is halfway to a spiral again when he realizes what song is on and starts laughing. He can almost hear David screaming from here.
What a bright time, it’s the right time
To rock the night away
Jingle bell time is a swell time
To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh~
Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet
Jingle around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet~
“That’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell, that’s the jingle bell rock!” Jude sings the last few lines and is able to smile to himself. Everything is okay. He’s warm. He’s in his apartment. David and Leo are his friends. That is enough. He takes a breath and tries to ignore the doubts that always claw at him. David and Leo are his friends. That has not changed.
“Wait… your name is Jeremiah?” Jude asks incredulously. “Where did the nickname Leo come from?”
“It was-” Leo pauses to sigh, not in a bothered way but instead in the way that he had to take a breath to avoid choking up. “It was my brother’s name. His name was Leonard.”
“Oh.” Jude feels a bit awkward now. He didn’t mean to bring up a topic that is clearly sensitive to Leo. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. It was a long time ago.” Leo says, though his tone suggests that it isn’t. Or, at the very least, his tone suggests that time has not yet healed this wound.
Jude shifts and his chair creaks in the silence. The conversation is halted and Jude does not quite know where to pick back up. Should he ask about Leo’s brother? It seems like a sensitive topic, so maybe not. But, then again, isn’t it supposed to be therapeutic to talk about lost loved ones? He could change the topic, but then he may seem like he doesn’t care about Leo’s grief and that would probably be rude.
Leo starts chuckling and Jude looks over at him in surprise. “What’s funny?” He asks, a bit incredulously.
“It’s nothing. It’s just that… when I said that Leonard died you got the most constipated look on your face.” Leo says with a small smile. “You just looked so out of depth for a second.”
“Well, I’m glad you find my social inadequacies humorous.” Jude says, his face beginning to turn a light shade of pink. Of course Leo can tell how shit he is at these things.
“Hey, it’s not that weird to not know what to say when someone talks about losing a family member. You would not believe the kind of shit that I got growing up.” Leo leans forward in his chair, drawing Jude’s attention away from his own embarrassment. “I mean… there was this one guy who said something along the lines of ‘now I get the advantages of being an only child’ like - what? Who the fuck says that to a kid who just lost his brother?”
“Are you serious? Someone said that?” Jude’s face must be shocked again because Leo starts laughing.
“Yeah!” Leo exclaims. “Like, what the hell? When I tell you that I almost beat that guy's ass… oh, boy. I was ready to go to jail then and there.”
Jude nods in agreement. “I think that would have been a valid reason… though I’m glad you didn’t because then we wouldn’t have met.”
“Heh. That’s awfully cheesy.” Leo jokes while Jude’s face goes red for probably the zillienth time today.
“What can I say? I like you an awful lot.” Jude decides to say, because if he’s going to be embarrassed he might as well go all in.
Leo smiles at him. “Thank you, Jude. I like you a lot too. I’m real glad that you and David met.”
Jude smiles back at him and ignores the starving butterflies trying to eat him from the inside out. Whatever weird affection he developed for David and Leo in the beginning has stubbornly refused to go away. In fact, it’s times like these that remind Jude that his feelings only seem to have gotten worse. He takes a moment to remind himself that Leo only likes him as a friend before he speaks again.
“So… doesn’t the movie start in, like, fifteen minutes? Where the hell is David?”
While Leo busies himself calling David, Jude contents himself to fade into the background for a bit. He’s been practicing this. Take a breath. Feel the emotion but let it go. The butterflies will leave and so will the deep-seated dread that they hide. Everything is okay. He can enjoy being around David and Leo without catastrophizing about how much they’d hate him if they figured out what he thought about… because they definitely would. They’re in a perfectly happy relationship, and here Jude is, pining after the two of them. They’d probably be disgusted with the thoughts that he has. I mean, who the hell would want some degenerate interfering with their relationship. Jude has barely gotten an apartment, much less anything else. He has nothing to offer other than insecurity and a rampant drug addiction. What would they say if they figured out about that? Would they look at him differently? Would they hate him? Would they never want to see him again?
He’s been doing well, but it isn’t good enough. He had such a long streak, fifty-one days, and then he had one moment of weakness that spiraled him out of control. David and Leo couldn’t hang out because Leo was sick. That’s fine. It was fine. Jude doesn’t know why it sent him out of control, but before he knew it he was high as a kite wandering the streets like he used to. What would they say if they knew he did that? That one bad day sends him out of control? That the thought of them leaving him makes him want to cut out his stomach from the dread that curls up there and that no matter what he does he can’t seem to stop beating himself up over every little thing. Jude’s thoughts go around and around in circles. He feels like his mind is on a carousel and he can’t find a way to get off. He can’t feel his body anymore and he isn’t quite sure why he needs to. It takes a long moment before he remembers that he isn’t alone right now. He’s doing something. With someone. But it feels so far away and the room is fuzzy and cold and his head is full of fog. He thinks he might hear someone’s voice. It’s Leo’s voice. He’s with Leo. He’s with Leo. He’s with Leo.
Jude cuts off his own thoughts. Now is not the time to spiral. Put it on a shelf. David is on his way and they are going to a movie. Just focus on that. Just focus on the fact that Leo is looking at him now and he seems concerned for some reason.
“Uh, what?” Jude’s voice sounds strained, even to himself, and there’s a slight ringing in his ears.
“Are you okay?” Leo left his chair at some point. He’s knelt on the ground next to Jude… wait, wasn’t Jude also in a chair?”
Jude has to take a deep breath before he can speak. He feels like there’s no air in his lungs. “I-I’m okay.” His face feels wet… and he’s definitely on the ground. What happened?
Leo looks like he doesn’t believe him. “Are you sure? That seemed like a pretty bad panic attack. You couldn’t even respond to me.”
A panic attack? Is that what that was? Jude’s heard about them, but he never thought that he experienced them himself. Yeah, he gets nervous sometimes and he occasionally spirals a bit, but he didn’t think it was that bad.
“No, yeah. I’m fine. I just… got lost in thought.” Great excuse, Jude. Truly. That will definitely explain away this situation.
“Okay. If you say so.” Leo says, not looking any less concerned. “Though, if you aren’t feeling up to going out we could do it another day. I don’t want to stress you out.”
“No! I’m good to go.” Jude almost adds ‘please don’t make me leave’ but that seems like it may lead to further questions. Unfortunately, the desperation in Jude’s voice is probably already leading to questions considering the fact that Leo definitely looks like he has a few.
“If you’re sure…” Leo must decide that it isn’t worth it to try and talk about this with Jude, even if he seems like he wants to. “David’ll be here in a few. Do you need anything before we head out?”
“I… I’m just going to run to the bathroom real quick.” Jude replies. He shoots up rather quickly, causing himself to get light headed and stumble. Leo reaches out to try and steady him, but he manages with a wall and small steps.
When he gets to the bathroom he takes a moment to assess the damage. He definitely cried. He doesn’t really know why. He doesn’t know why any of these things happen. He wishes he could just be… normal. That he could approach these relationships with some kind of confidence rather than just absolute fear.
Jude rinses his face off and waits until he hears David come in. He doesn’t want to risk Leo asking more questions. Once he does hear David’s voice, Jude leaves the bathroom.
“Are you two ready to head out? We’re already running late.” David says from his spot near the door.
“You say that as if it isn’t your fault.” Jude jokes as he grabs his bag.
“Hey! I was working! I just… lost track of time.” David says.
“I’m sure your patient’s will appreciate your dedication one day, David. In the meantime, get a watch.” Leo says with a laugh. Jude joins in as they step outside and walk to David’s car.
“I have a watch!” David holds up his arm and points to it for emphasis.
“And it’s doing you a whole lot of good.” Leo says.
David crosses his arm and drags his feet a bit until Jude and Leo get on each side of him to drag him along. “C’mon, you’re going to make us even more late.” Jude says.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever…” David rolls his eyes. “What movie are we seeing, by the way?”
“Baby Driver.” Jude answers.
“That’s a stupid movie name.”
“Shut up, David. Just get in the car.” Jude replies again.
By the time that they get to the theater, Jude has already forgotten about his earlier spiral. He just focuses on enjoying his night out with David and Leo. Spirals are for when he’s alone in bed where they won’t bother anyone else. Why should he feel lonely when he’s with his favorite people? That would just be silly. He isn’t lonely. Or scared. Or sad. He’s watching a movie and that’s all that matters right now.
Jude isn’t sure how to feel when he steps into his apartment for the first time. His apartment. It’s such a weird statement. It is unfurnished and small, but it is his. He’s been saving money since he got his first job in April. At the time he didn’t know it would be for an apartment, but he’s glad that it worked out this way.
A lot of things have been changing since he met David and Leo. He met David by chance in January at a college party that he snuck into, and it wasn’t until he ran into him two or three times that they started actually talking. During that time he developed what he has come to realize is a crush, but couldn’t do anything about it due to the “boyfriend situation”. Then, in March, he met Leo. As he hung out with them, things started to change. He started to change.
Jude got his first job in April and he only lasted two weeks. He almost gave up then and there, it seemed like way too much trouble compared to the life that he was used to living, but then he mentioned to David that he’d been fired and David took time out of his day to try and help Jude look for a different job, so of course he had to at least apply.
When he got the second job, it lasted a little longer, but not by much. He almost didn’t tell David that he’d been fired again because he didn’t want to disappoint him, but he managed to find out anyway because Jude had stopped talking about it. Instead of judging him, however, David just helped him find another. This time around, he even got Leo in on it. At the time it made Jude feel a little useless and oddly guilty, because he knew he was having trouble at the jobs because of drugs.
He’d been addicted to one thing or another since he was nine years old and he knew it was affecting his ability to function at work, but he didn’t know how to stop. At the same time, when he started his third job, he was so afraid of losing it and disappointing both David and Leo that he stopped cold turkey for the first week. Fighting addiction is not easy, though, so he unfortunately picked it back up when his feelings of guilt were outweighed by his desire for rest.
He went through two more jobs before he ended up at a bookshop called Gothic Prints. It’s a small store that sells vintage books and stories that feature gothic premises. Jude thought it was the kind of idea that would not sell to a lot of people, but the shop seems to be staying afloat. This is the job that he still has, a few months later, in November.
It’s also the job that he finally managed to get clean during. Kind-of. Getting clean is not a very straight-forward process for Jude. At first it was like a constant battle of trying to stop cold-turkey, making it about a week, and then caving. Eventually he changed his method to steadily decrease the doses he was taking. This was relatively more effective. Although he’s had several relapses, they aren’t nearly as bad as what he did after going cold-turkey.
On this day, November 13, Jude is fifty-one days clean. He’s fifty-one days clean. And he has a job. And an apartment. Even if it has no furniture, he can’t help but to feel like this is the nicest place he’s ever had.
He hasn’t told David and Leo that he got an apartment. As far as he knows, they were not aware that he was homeless and he would really like to keep it that way. Plus, if they find out he doesn’t have any furniture they’d probably try to help him out by buying some and he really doesn’t want them to do that. They’ve done enough already by helping him out of his previous life, even if they don’t know that they did it.
Jude’s phone ringing knocks him out of his reminiscing - yet another item that he previously hadn’t had - so he takes it out of his pocket and looks at the caller ID. Unsurprisingly, it’s David. David has started this habit of calling to check in with Jude at least once a day. It makes Jude feel like David might be worrying about him, but he tries to tell himself that it’s just because David likes to talk to him.
“Sup, David!” Jude answers the phone with his usual energy.
“Hey Jude,” David replies and from his tone Jude can imagine the smile that must be on his face, “How’re you doing today?”
“I’m doing good! I’m excited to see you two tonight at Selby's.”
“Ah, yeah, about that… It kinda looks like Leo is coming down with some kind of cold or flu, so we won’t be able to go out tonight.” David says, his tone laced with apology.
“Oh. Okay.” Jude tries to keep the disappointment out of his tone. It’s just one night. Leo’s sick. People have to reschedule things all the time. There’s no reason for him to suddenly have that unbearably empty feeling in his chest and the heaviness of rocks in his stomach.
“Yeah… sorry.” David’s voice doesn’t sound like it’s smiling anymore, and Jude somehow feels like it is his fault.
“It’s fine! No need to apologize, sickness happens.” Jude says with mock cheerfulness in his voice. “Besides, we can just get together when he’s feeling a little better.”
“That sounds like a good idea. We can come up with a plan when he’s fever-free.” David’s tone is lighter once again and Jude feels a little relieved. He doesn’t know why it is so important to him that he keeps David happy, all he knows is that when David sounds sad or disappointed it makes the bad feelings in his chest feel ten times worse.
“Well, don’t let me keep you from your patient, Nurse David.” Jude says jokingly.
David laughs on the other end of the line. “You do know I’m still just taking prerequisites, right? I don’t actually have very much medical knowledge yet.”
“And yet, somehow, I’m sure you know more than Leo and I combined.” Jude says.
“Whatever.” Jude can almost hear David’s eye roll. “Have a good day, Jude.”
“I will. Tell Leo I hope that he feels better soon.”
“I’ll let him know. Bye.”
“Bye.”
As Jude hangs up the phone, he glances around his apartment again. The silence and the emptiness suddenly feels much more noticeable, and much less comforting.
