An Explanation For My Sunshine: “Here is a list of some of my favourite things: 1. Coffee, especially in the mornings. 2. Cats (Particularly my cat) 3. Family 4. Books 5. Crying I believe this is where we can stop, so I can explain myself more thoroughly. I swear I am not a masochist. I do not take pleasure in feeling pain whether emotional or physical, but I do take pleasure in knowing I can feel it. Because not too long ago I would go numb from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet when things would go wrong, and pull on my heart strings. No anger to let out, no tears to shed - so I began searching for outlets. You know the usual, self-harm, drugs, alcohol. They were always temporary though, pushing heat through my veins for the short span of a night only to snap me awake worse off in the mornings. So I tried something new, something more discreet, something not discernible by the naked eye, something not treated in therapy sessions or rehabilitation centers. I forced myself into relationships, it didn’t matter if they were platonic or romantic I didn’t really care, but they were toxic in nature. I fell in reckless love, or what I thought was love, I began to care for them knowing they had no intention of keeping me in their life or staying in mine. I purposely destroyed myself again and again not to gain wisdom or learn lessons but so I could feel something even remotely human. This was my addiction, and yet I still never cried as much as I should have. I was angry, or I was subjected to pure agony and I always did anything in my power to end these relationships in shambles to feel both anger and agony as a combined emotion that feels something like ripping your heart out of your chest without any painkillers to make it bearable. I hurt people on a quest to hurt myself and only when I lost someone I wasn’t exactly bargaining on losing did I finally open my eyes to the horror I had become. I cried for weeks, months, and even now years later I catch myself crying still! But toxicity isn’t something I eye up on people anymore, I invest my heart not my hate and yes my love, I do cry over you but do not feel bad feel truly glad. Because if I didn’t cry over you, we’d be in trouble. So maybe crying isn’t one of my most favourite things, maybe you are. So let’s recap some of my favourite things: 1. Coffee (Especially with you when we wake up in the mornings) 2. Cats (Particularly our cats) 3. Our family 4. The books you buy me 5. Crying over you.”
leonharxt
