#lesbianbreakup

[justagirlwithaheadfullofspirals]

Almost 6 months post break up with her. After she cheated, forced me out of my home. Got back together with me and then fell in love with someone new right next to me.

I have learnt so many things about myself. So many things about the person she was and is. One thing is for sure, I am left with many insecurities. Adjacently I have learnt just how strong I am. Even when times get unbearable, I am true to who I am. Unwaveringly so, I know that at every point of that terrible time. I was as kind as one could be in that situation. I had a great job, car, home and a girlfriend i thought was it for me. Then over a period of a few weeks that all changed. Every night was a new couch and every day was multiple shifts at 3 casual jobs. Panic attacks, no sleep, severe social anxiety. An ex girlfriend who wouldn’t do the kindness of leaving me be. We shared our dog for 3 very hard months back and forth. So I saw her every week and she gave me just enough to mess with me. Sometimes she would bring her new girlfriend. The same girl she cheated on me with, who now lived in my home. The place I imagined I’d live happily for a long time. At least half of my belongings still residing there. Packed in boxes carelessly and strewn in the garage. I thought I’d never be the same and my life wasn’t really worth it anymore. There was so much pain and anxiety and I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it.

But then I worked tirelessly, day and night. I travelled from place to place to sleep and work. I visited my dog as much as I could and promised her I’d find us a good home. I stayed with my parents in rural Victoria and travelled to the city to work for a month. I started to let my friends back in, I had been distancing as I felt like an idiot. “The classic clueless girl that gets back together with the person that’s so evidently terrible”. After three of the hardest months of my life. I found a community of people in so many unexpected places.A new bar I worked at, with people constantly praising me and lifting me up. My beautiful friends who stood by me and always offered me a couch or the other side of their beds. My parents, our relationship will never be close. But they were there and they helped in the best way they know how. Slowly but surely I started to see myself come back. I started to remember I was capable, that I am worth something. I applied for jobs I thought I’d never get, now I am in love with what I do. I moved into a share house with three wonderful strangers. Who have all been the most fun loving and supportive new friends. Lastly I got to bring my dog home, to a safe and consistent environment. The aforementioned ex finally did me a solid and gave up on co-parenting. She stills texts me from time to time but I have become to strong for her to find any satisfaction in it.

I had a bad break up. People underestimate how something like that can effect you physically and psychologically. You start to think no one will ever be able to help or understand. You have to stop and realise you do. You are right there and all you need to do, is listen to what you need and want. Do what helps you become your best friend. If you don’t like your life, work really hard until you do. I know it’s not that simple when sometimes even talking in public spaces is hard. You have to start to acknowledge it and figure out why. Then work out what helps you cope with that. Make the conscious decision that you are probably the only person that can help you. So you’re going to try and you’re going to succeed.

Almost 6 months after my break up and I remember who I am. I like who I have become and I know what I’m worth. It takes time and it’s SO hard. But work with yourself.

I’m sorry if you have felt this way and been here too. You will be alright, from one sad girl to another xxx

[lordthundercunt]

the story of the love of my life

it has been 60 days since our last conversation.

i hope you never read this

we met in the fifth grade, although we went to different schools we met when we both joined orchestra due to a shared love of music. we became friends, not close but acquaintances. we didn’t talk to each other much till the seventh grade. we were best friends then. she was the first girl i ever had feelings for and she was beautiful in every way. i kept telling myself i’m not gay i’m not gay, well i later accepted the fact that i am very much gay. you were always there for me you always stuck by my side. you were so nervous to ask me out because you thought i was straight and i thought you were straight too. i said yes despite still not grasping my mind around what had just happened. we dated for a while but when you asked me to kiss you i panicked. i broke up with you because i was not ready for a relationship and had never had a real one before. you told me you’d always wait for me. i soon forgot about the feelings i had felt before and you remained my closest friend for so long. i later got a boyfriend who i loved with all my heart but he cheated on me . you were so supportive and were the best shoulder to cry on. a few days after my heart break i spent the night at your house. we got drunk, confessed secrets, told each other how hot we thought each other was . you (drunk) asked me to kiss you for the second time, nearly a year later but this time i ( also drunk) obliged. we made out for a while. you were the best kisser I've ever met.you comforted me when i cried about my bf, you even held my hair back while i threw up. you were too wasted to remember this but the memory always stayed in the back of my mind. after that night we had become drinking buddies always getting shitfaced on the weekends. we didn’t talk about the incident for months, i had just awkwardly avoided the subject whereas you didn’t remember any of it. i got back with my cheating boyfriend (stupid i know) and the summer was good until he cheated again. except this time was different. he cheated on me with you, my best friend. i cut you off for months. i was angry for so long i had been betrayed by the both of you. once i  got over the feeling of betrayal and anger we were friends again. i realized i still loved you, and you had indeed waited for me, we dated for a while again maybe a month or so. it ended because i thought you were cheating on me with another girl. i confronted you about it and you said nothing. i took the silence as a conformation of my suspicions. i cut you off because i felt lied to and hurt. i said these terrible things about you calling you a whore or a slut and for that i’m so so so sorry i was just so hurt and angry. it wasn’t for about six months that we talked again. by then i had started to forgive you. i still hadn’t gotten over the thought of you cheating on me though. we talked things out, you hadn’t been cheating on me after all, we both apologized. we started talking again, you told me that you had never lost feelings for me and had waited, just like you promised. we were “talking” and i had planned on asking you to be my girlfriend on 4/20 (i know classic right) but then the day before i could we got into a minor disagreement. you said you couldn’t handle an argument right now and blocked me. that was the last full conversation we ever had. i was angry and hurt all over again wondering where i went wrong. we have barley talked since other then the occasional “can i borrow a pencil”. i think you just stopped loving me that day which is okay . i just wish you had told me the truth and i wish we had said goodbye. i never lost feelings for you. it sometimes still hurts to think about you but i do feel better now I've made my peace with things. i have found happiness without you, i don’t need you, but god i want you so bad. i wouldn’t say i’m over you just because not a day goes by that i don’t think of you. occasionally ill be drunk and send you messages that you’ll never read telling you i miss you and would like to talk. but i never had the balls to ask you in person “where did i go wrong?” and yes i will admit to sometimes stalking your instagram just because i missed you too much and wanted to see your face. i still read old texts from when we were together and they just make me miss you more. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t love you still.i fall in love with you again every time i see you.  i’m sorry i was too late, you waited for me just like you promised until you were done waiting. i’m sorry i was blinded by anger for so long, i’m sorry i took too long to come around, i’m sorry for not truly appreciating you and your love, i’m sorry for everything, i never deserved you, you were always too good for me. the only thing about us i regret is not treating you right when i had the chance. i hope you’re doing well and making the most out of this life, but i will never forget your smile and laugh.

[justagirlwithaheadfullofspirals]

“I lied to you so I could stop both of our pain. I wasn’t done, I’m not done, I’m not sure I’ll ever be done loving you. But you fell in love with someone else right next to me. The thing is though, the you I knew is gone. So I’m here, alone... In love with someone who doesn’t exist.”

[justagirlwithaheadfullofspirals]

You took my heart and loved it so well. So well, It decided it wanted to beat for you forever. Then you got scared and stole it from my chest. One by one you began removing the chambers. Ripping my heart apart. You hid each piece so well, in the hopes no one would ever find it. You weren’t ready for my love yet, and wanted to save it for later. But holding on and guarding it caused it to wither. Rendering my heart lost forever and leaving an empty shell behind.

[bluedressbaby]

I've officially moved out of my ex's house. I'm so sad and alone. This is my first ever apartment, and I'm so many miles away from my family. I like the quiet. I've never had it before. It's nice to decorate how I want, to eat whatever I want and do whatever I want cause it's just me here. It is sad, though, because I have no one to talk to. My sister and mom are at a party. My ex is with her family for the weekend, and I've gotta stop leaning on her so much. After all, she's the one who dumped me. I should hate her, but I don't. I shouldn't want to talk to her, but I do.

Yesterday, my Amazon packages got stolen because the dumb delivery driver didn't follow my delivery instructions. That's the dumb thing about living in an apartment is that it's sooooo many people and you don't know everyone or barely even see them and apparently they steal!! Now I have to file a police report. They are on camera too, so I hope they get caught.

Also, my period must be about to start because I can't stop crying, I feel miserable and irritated.

I can't wait to learn how to drive! And get my own car that way I won't have to depend on anyone for rides or only talk to them so they'll take me to the store.

[bluedressbaby]

Ain't no feeling like being free!!!! I'm like an eagle set free!!!

[bluedressbaby]

She's trying to trick me into thinking she likes me. I'm not fool.

[bluedressbaby]

I feel so stupid and pathetic every time I reach out to her. Dumbass asked me if I was at my mom's on a Monday night? You dunce. Talking about I was just about to call you in the most nonchalant voice ever. Everytime she's called me she's answered the phone "hey baby" but tonight she just said hey and the radio was loud so who the fuck were you around to be acting like that about. Probably that bitch. I hate them both. Stupid fuckers.