Pretty much hate life right now. I just want to go back to bed but I have classes to get to. Then I have to do bills when I get home and some other shit. Fuck everything right now, seriously. I don't have the energy. I'm too emotional.
On to another subject:
I'm trying to switch instructors at the barn to see if that makes a difference. I've been told by one person that from "what they've heard" by a good friend of theirs, there was all kinds of shit being done wrong under the last 2 instructors- but that's always what people think when new management comes in right? The new management always thinks its way is better and that the old management really fucked a lot of things up. And in the horse world, I feel like that kind of attitude is magnified sometimes. It's one thing to say, "This wasn't correct and here's why." But it's another thing to criticize everything and talk shit about people who aren't there anymore to defend themselves against what is being said about them, and act all elite.
I'm no expert in horses by any means. I'm a dog person. I just want to learn to ride. But I don't know that I want to learn from someone with such a poor attitude. Especially after I went ahead and took the time and courage to tell my instructor about my depression and problems with medication and how it's making me overly emotional- and I just get dismissive, distancing responses. You know what? You work with people when you teach, not just horses, so fucking learn some compassion and empathy. I didn't tell you because I wanted sympathy- I told you because I know its affecting my perceptions, behavior, and riding; and I thought if my instructor knew about it, they could take that into account when deciding what to do with me during the next lesson.
Teaching isn't just about criticizing what you do wrong; you have to tell someone the things they're doing right. My friend's response was, "Well, most of them aren't very good at that; one of the best instructors I had called me a dumbass every week." Fuck that bullshit. You don't get to verbally abuse your students just because riding is a tough sport. And you don't just fucking ignore the fact that they are human beings with emotions because you don't want to deal with it. If you can't deal with it, then you shouldn't be teaching, no matter how good a rider you are.
Everyone claims they don't know "of any other reputable barns" in the area, but you know what? That doesn't mean they aren't good; it means their names haven't gotten big like this one. So maybe I need to start looking just in case things still aren't working out.