#lesstories

[mhickey001]

Celebrating #openstreets with @modarts_dance and @_fabnyc on Ave B and E 9th St today! #lesstories #dance #moderndance #culture #creativity #performance #streetlife #nyc #lowereastside https://www.instagram.com/p/CQl2NJ4rXqA/?utm_medium=tumblr

[lesbihonestpilipinas-blog]

Coming Out

Coming out with regards to one’s sexuality is a simple yet complicated thing to do. In my own understanding it is simple because all you want is to be honest. Be able to tell others about your true self. With that said let me share with you my story. I’m going to discuss it in three parts. Bear with me. You are in for a long read. So, go fix yourself some coffee and get doughnuts (don’t forget to share with me).

As I was doing research about “coming out” three years ago I came across this definition for the term:

           “Coming out (of the closet)” is a phase which refers to one’s admission of their sexual orientation or gender identity, and is described and variously as a psychological process or journey.”*

Basically it’s a phase. Not that kind of phase that gets used against us though. That famous line, “Oh! That’s just a phase soon you’ll be back to liking boys.”, when we lesbians come out. Moving on. The process is then described in three phases.

First Phase:

           “The first phase is “knowing oneself”, and the realization emerges that one is open to same-sex relations.*

My earliest memory of knowing that I like girls was when I was six. There was this girl from my preschool class whom I just kept thinking about when I don’t see her. And when I do see her I get this feeling of joy when I’m around her. I never questioned it nor thought hard about it that time. Because I was just six and I don’t have to be thinking deep thoughts. Although as children we are curious by nature the feeling never really bothered me. It felt normal. Now why would you question that? It seemed normal and it made me happy. I went on to grade school liking other girls. Admiring them mostly for their kindness and/or pretty faces (let’s be honest.) Still it didn’t bother me and it felt normal to like girls.

It wasn’t until I was ten and got involved in a class circle that was sharing who their respective crushes were. It was an all girls circle.  As they were naming crushes I realized that all the names they gave were of boys. I then had an internal debate. I questioned if it was normal for a girl to be crushing on girls as well. I guessed it must be not right. Girls should have boy crushes. Since I was one of the last people to spill I had a moment to panic. And by the time it was my turn I blurted out a random boy’s name in our class. As much as I like girls I also just wanted to fit in.

Deep inside I knew I liked girls. I wanted to pursue them (one at a time of course!) but I knew I had to keep that a secret because it wasn’t normal. There were times that I would look at myself in the mirror and say, “I wish I were a boy. It would be easier to explain why I liked girls.” This is where it started to become complicated inside within myself. It was so hard at that time. Circa late 90’s. I learned my numbers and ABC’s at school. I went to church every Sunday with my grandmother and learned more about God and the Bible. I watched a lot of TV and saw the rest of the world. But so far none of these could ever tell whether or not it was wrong for me to like girls. Somehow I have accepted myself that I like girls but at the same I was ashamed of it. It then became a struggle for me to be myself and to be genuine around others. I struggled with identifying myself. Ultimately, I then made a decision to hide it. I went on pretending to have a male crush until I graduated grade school.  

The summer before freshman year of high school my grandmother decided that I should have a boy-cut. It was simply because I never learned how to tie my hair. All throughout grade school my grandmother was the one who combs and ties my hair. It was just how it was back then. She never forced me into trying to tie my own hair. Nor did I even thought of trying. Every single morning I sit in front of the mirror and my grandmother does her thing with my hair.

I was excited about getting my hair cut short that summer. To me it was a chance to become like boy. I further thought that if I wore boys' clothes and act tough and hard like them people would understand that I am lesbian. If people will not see me looking more like a girl then it would be easier for them to accept who I am. I was pretty much a tomboy throughout my teenage years.

High school then was probably the hardest time I had accepting myself. Just like any other kid my age we get hormonal and feel intense feelings towards someone. In my case of course girls (again one at a time.) This was the moment I knew I wanted to be in a relationship. I was then out to a few select friends and it just came to a point where I can’t hold back my feelings for another girl. Text messages and e-mails were just new then but then again I had neither a cell phone nor did we have internet connection. Encouraged by said friends I opted to write her a love letter. Scared to death I can’t give her the letter myself and so once again said friends volunteered to give it to her. She then found out it was from me and I got down right rejected. I “moved-on” but then got rejected again.

Getting rejected over and over made me lose my self-confidence. Every time I express how I felt for another girl it always somehow ended our friendship.  I felt hopeless and gave up on myself. I was miserable. I became more aloof. It resulted to cutting. That was probably the moment when I internally told myself that if I can’t be myself then I’d rather not be anything else. I gave up on my dreams. I was just getting by through high school. I went from the top forty of our class during freshman year to a “not so sure if I am graduating senior”.  Eventually I was able to graduate from high school. Got into college but with an “on-probation” status. But the cycle continued all those years I had been in college. The last draw was after my last break-up five years ago. It was one of the reasons that drove me to drop-out of college. My life then was random and a wild roller coaster ride. I had purpose but sometimes things felt pointless.

Until, about two years ago I had this story idea about the coming out of a young adult lesbian and her struggles. For months I've been trying to write the story but found myself not progressing with writing it. I came across a quote by Virginia Woolf and it said, “If you cannot tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people.” This came to me as epiphany. Virginia is right. I can't tell her story if I can't tell the truth of my own. I've always thought that I was out. Even though most of my friends already knew that I like girls and have been in a relationship twice I felt that I was still in the closet. So I made a step out of my own closet back then. I thought hard about it and I realized that I've just been hiding myself behind a tomboyish facade.

If we go to the dictionary tomboy is defined as a girl who likes to engage in activities mostly done by boys and likes to wear more masculine clothes. Without a doubt that definition describes me. But it doesn't tell the truth of who I am. I get asked a lot, "Are you a girl or a boy?" I usually just go silent and shrug at this question and never made a great deal of it. But recently I get annoyed when asked with this question and how I want to tell the person asking, "Are my breasts not enough for you to show that I am a girl? Or do you still want to see a vagina as a proof?" Not that I would really flash my womanhood just to prove that I am a girl.

I've realized that this is also part my fault whenever I chose not to express myself freely. It felt like I was out of the closet but I was still wearing a mask. I was still pretending to be something else. Here I was in my early twenty’s still trying to figure myself out. Thankful for the internet I came across J.D. Samson (go Google her). She’s one of the people from the the Western culture that have helped me understand about myself. Through her I was able to realize that the outside doesn’t always have to match what’s inside. What matters is we are true to ourselves and honestly express that in our own unique ways. That was when I finally stepped out of my closet and proudly said, "I am a lesbian but that doesn't make my worth as a woman any less." That’s who I am.

Since then I felt free. It’s now easier to be productive. My life is finally going how it’s supposed to be. The dreams I have long abandoned are coming back. Things will never be easy but they will eventually get better. Bottom line for me is that before anything else we must come out to ourselves and accept who we really are. Our own happiness is just as important as another person’s.  

Coming out to yourself won’t be easy. It will be confusing and you might want to give up and get by. Don’t ever do that. Hold on and discover yourself. Never be afraid to explore and try new things. Especially those that you think would help you understand yourself better.Just don’t do anything reckless.

How you will come out to yourself will most likely be different from everybody else’s. Don’t worry if theirs came by easy or difficult. Never compare yourself to others. But you can always learn from the experiences of others. Keep an open mind. Like I how suddenly feel like missing my “short short” hair after growing it out over the year. In my attempt to be more feminine. I guess being feminine isn’t limited to just dressing like a girl or having pretty hair. We all have our own definition of it and how to express it. Embrace your uniqueness. Do not resist who you truly are. For you might not only come out to yourself once or at a certain period of your life. We continue to grow and mature. The more we discover who we are and what we want in life. When we are finally able to accept and understand ourselves better it becomes less difficult to come out to others. As a friend had said when I came out, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Be yourself. Be your awesome self.

 P.S.: I’m going to end it here and share the other two phases on another post. Until then feel free to reach out if you have questions or need someone to talk. Just drop a message on twitter @anakngtubig or send an e-mail at [email protected] or use the ‘Ask’ button. :)

   *Now I tried to remember where I got this but unfortunately I can’t. So whoever wrote this I’m crediting you.

[lesbihonestpilipinas-blog]

UNTITLED

Hello, I'm Anne but the "guy version" of my name is Andi. I'm 18 and here's my story.

I actually felt it since I was a kid, like 5 yrs old. I have this feeling when I'm around girls like in between "butterflies in my stomach to caterpillars eating my intestines". It was back in grade 4 and I study in a co-ed school (it's CO-ED, don't get it wrong) when I confirmed I have the "thing" for girls. 

I have a guy friend, his name is Migs and we got close so I started liking guy stuff like drawing dragons, guns, robots and plotting evil plans against the bitchy girl group in our class. I thought it was totally and absolutely normal then the game changed when I realized I'm starting to like one of the girls in the bitchy girl group. I said to myself, "no, i just like her as a friend" then as time progresses, I see myself falling deeper and deeper like she's all I see in photographs and my heart beats so loud when I think of her. It was weird at first but when I graduated from grade school, I completely forgot about her.

It was in HS that my true colors began to show. I liked a lot of girls and the girls know I like them so they get creeped out but I don't care, I just like them and I don't have plans yet. I also have a lesbian friend in my school so we always go spotting around the campus. It's fun but to think that I haven't told my parents yet, it still was disturbing.

So, I went to seek help from my guidance counselor and she asked me, "are you sure you want to be a part of the rainbow gang?" and I said, "since I've liked a lot of girls already and they know about it, then yes. I am sure" then she asked my mom if she can come because we have something important to talk about then my mom went and we talked about it. It was okay with my mom but the catch is that I should focus on my studies and sports. I just look like I'm focusing but what she doesn't know is that I had two girlfriends already, hehe. (sneaky)

Right now, I'm in college. I'm an athletic scholar, it was granted to me because I'm a varsity in swimming. I'm single but if you want to mingle, terms and conditions apply HAHAHA and that is the story of who I am. I'm not a normal lesbian where I went to an all girls school and since there are no boys around, I like girls. It didn't happen that way :)

Here's a friendly reminder for lesbians in a co-ed school: don't be afraid to show who you really are, don't think of what others think and as long as you're comfortable with your skin, be proud. Raise up your banners and let your colors fly. Who knows, maybe there's also someone who can relate to you. 

That's all for now. Questions, comments, reactions and everything will be accommodated here or on twitter (@despuigableme). If anyone's interested in being my friend or more than a friend, hit me up at 09179609346 (No load? Available on viber). :))

[lesbihonestpilipinas-blog]

"THE PERFECT DAUGHTER"

                                        By Katrina H. Sambale

               This was how my family described me. A straight "A" student, a non-party goer, a sweet, classy, independent woman who never seeked attention from guys. as they said, the perfect epitome of a DREAM DAUGHTER. I knew i never gave them a headache or a disappointment, but I knew there and then, I was not the perfect daughter they always wished for.

               I grew up in a religious  family, we lived by the words of the bible. I wore the dress codes prescribed by my church: a dress or something girly. Since then I knew I wasn't fit for the qualifications of their dream daughter, because I I knew I was someone different. At the age of 4, I always trimmed my hair short and wore masculine outfits. I wanted to look more than my dad. at the age of 6, I had my first girl crush. At the age of 10, I was sure I was a girl, who liked girls. My family noticed it, and forced me to be what I should be: a lady. I was rebellious. I hated the fact that they do not understand a thought I could not explain.

                The only thing that calmed me down was when my dad was hospitalized and was at the verge of death. He made me promise that if he survived his attack, i would grow my hair long and act like a lady. He survived, and because i loved him so much, I obeyed. It was painful seeing yourself being the person you aren't. But I had no choice. This continued until my high school even though my dad died when i was in 1st year. This always left me confused. Many guys courted me because I had the looks and the brains, but I always wished I was dating my high school close female besty. I was so scared to come out because I knew my family wouldn't support me and I was living in a province: a place that is so traditional. So i decided to attend college in Manila, an urban place with many open- minded individuals.

               I decided to test my new place, and realized it wasn't that accepting. I decided that being a lesbian wouldn't take its effect in my life. little did i know that I would meet my first love in my all girls dormitory. The feeling was different I wanted to be her other half. I started courting her and she reciprocated. we were so happy until she told me she was to migrate for good in the US. it broke me. I couldn't handle the pain i decided to come out, I trimmed my hair short and dressed the way i did when i was 4 years old. and it came as a shock to everybody, but of course not to my brothers. they said i was a man ever since. :))

               My mom got so angry she didn't pay my tuition fees and didn't give me an allowance for the whole semester. It was a rocky road, but I survived it, still top of my BS Biology program. I strives hard to prove myself. i won many academic cups, had a high NMAT grade, was .002 away from being the batch summa cum laude, passed the PLMCAT exams, and now I am currently studying medicine in PLM and enjoying the privileges of a scholar. I know that my family, especially my mom, still sees me as an abomination, and not as the perfect daughter she always thought me to be. nevertheless, I understand her and i will wait until she accepts who i truly am.                For everybody who wishes to come out, I tell you, It is not that easy. It takes so much time and pondering. Setting aside the ones that matter, and pushing forward the ones that are necessary. You will face a lot of distractions, heartaches, lowered self esteem, and judgements from everyone else. But i tell you these judgements should make you stronger. So what if we are lesbians? butches? femmes? gays? bisexuals? pansexuals? We are good individuals with dreams of being a better person of the society. Regardless of our orientation, all we want is to be of great help to the rest of the world. Show your true colors. They can give light to the lives of others.

[nycedc]

We agree, especially when it's @formaggio_essex cheese! (repost from @biancabob via the #lespoetics project) Join us for more #EssexStreetMarket favorites at its 75th Birthday Block Party this Saturday, 12-5 pm on Essex Street btwn Rivington and Delancey. #lespoetics #poeticsapp #lesstories #lesmonth #nycedc (at Essex Street Market)

[lespoetics-blog]

CPR, by soulincode

[lespoetics-blog]

rivington, by soulincode and Charlotte Delajoud

[lespoetics-blog]

exits, by soulincode and Liliya Lifanova