Dearest Jo,
I woke up feeling really nice – a relaxing day off, nowhere to go, nothing to do – but then I checked my phone and felt really bitter. Received mails and messages from highly entitled and selfish people who instead of feeling grateful for something I had done for them were expecting more. I couldn’t shake that shitty feeling off no matter how many big bites of a giant chocolate bar I took. Then, I decided to get to work and write your letter – the last one in The Love Project. It took me 5 minutes of reading your answers to smile and let out, ‘So damn sweet!’ and just like that the bitterness had disappeared.
When my family moved to a new city and I started a new school in 8th grade I was known for many things – the girl with the weird accent, the girl from the big city, the girl who has a crazy sticker collection. And I did. I used to carry this giant ass black file to school every day and it didn’t contain assignments or notes – it was my sticker collection. Just flipping through it made me happy and of course adding to it. But what made me the happiest was to write letters to my friends back home and add like a million stickers to those letters! That’s really the time I got into writing letters and I guess I have never quite stopped. I have, however, stopped buying stickers. Shall I start again?
I had this idea for a self-date a while ago – and I love self-dates – to go do some stationery + sticker shopping, go to my favourite local bakery and buy some sandwiches, juice and baked goods and go to a park just a bit before sunset and have myself a mini picnic where I write cute little letters to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. Summer is close so I think I will do it – I feel good about it.
Your answer about what love means to you – ‘To me, the word love means acceptance and warmth. Anytime I say the word or even if I feel love towards someone, I feel warm and most people compare love to the color red because it matches the heart, or even the color pink, but I always see yellow because yellow is warm and happy, which is what love means to me. Warmth, love, and happiness.’ I mean, wow! Yes! Last night I was talking to a friend about this guy and I couldn’t articulate this exact thing. When I think of him or talk to him all I feel is warmth, acceptance and everything else undeniably positive.
I came across a very powerful quote in this book that I’m currently reading called Daisy Jones and The Six – Acceptance is a powerful drug. And that just hit me because it is, isn’t it? That feeling of knowing that there is someone you could say anything to and they would still love you just the same because they love you not for a list of things you but for something more inherent and central to your being that can’t be boiled down to one thing or articulated. It’s just you. I didn’t understand this back in school when I asked a close friend of mine, let’s call him Astroboy, why he loves his girlfriend?
And he said there’s no reason because if there was, the day that specific ceased to exist that would mean his love would to and it’s just not that kind of love, he said, you know? And no, I did not. I used to confused myself by often thinking about his answer. I mean, like of course there are specific things that strike us about the person we chose to be with or fall in love with. Otherwise what distinguishes them from all the other people out there? But I’m finally coming to understand that while you can list 1000 things you love about someone those don’t have to be the reason why you love them. You love them because they are just.
You know, the way you described how you and your girlfriend spent her birthday weekend it made me feel like it was out of a YA book or a cute movie. I’m so happy that you have that and that despite how she felt initially, her fears never materialised and that you both are still together and still just as much in love. I had that a few times not for anything more than a few months and all that when I was a teenager. At 23 now I can’t remember when was the last time as an adult I felt like I shared a precious day with someone that would make my heart swoon had I read about it in a book. But I never know what’s round the corner, right? Please send some of your love wishes my way, haha.
I like how when asked to answer who you’ve said ‘I love you’ to the most you said – that’s tough. my girlfriend, my best friend, or my parents. To have so many dear people you love so wholly and to be loved by them just as truly – that’s the dream! (Are you hearing me Barney Stinson? That, my bro, is the dream!) I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. I’m sure she was one of those people too.
You said you have a terrible obsession with books – Yay! Me too. Are you on Goodreads? Do you have a reading challenge for 2020? What are you currently reading? I’ve read some interesting books in the last month and am looking for more striking books. I like anything that can do one of the two things:
Make me feel something – something I have not before or in a long time
Validate something I already feel
I get a lot from books. And for a while – in college – I stopped and I’m just getting back to it. It feels nice. The more I depend on books for feeling certain things, the less I have to depend on people. People always disappoint. Sure, sometimes so do books but unlike books you can’t DNF people. I mean, you can but it’s more complicated than that. But my point is books!!! Haha.
May this decade be full of beautiful books, people who don’t disappoint, adventures worth writing about and a lot of love that is yellow.
Love,
Nikki
I wrote this letter for Jo based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.
Guys, this was my last letter in The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. You can read all the love letters here.
