fifty one letters.

My main blog: emergeinsea

[51-letters]

letter #36 - november 30, 2010

Can you tell me why I want to go to my room, lay on my bed and cry? Just cry. Because I can never, ever stop loving you and I hate that about myself. I can't concentrate on anything because you're constantly on my mind. Every memory flashes before my eyes and all I can think is that I want to make new memories with you. I want to spend my life with you. You know how they say, you know you've met 'the one' when you know for sure that you want to be with them forever, that you can see them always in your future. Remember the future we had planned?

This is killing me so much. Please make up your mind.

Bea.

[51-letters]

letter #35 - november 29, 2010

Today is what would have been our 15 month. /:

You found all the stuff I wrote on your tumblr.. Crap.

You found out about all these letters.. Crap.

You said you love me, is it true? Or do you just feel bad for me..

I hate this uncertain feeling. What if I think you want me back, then you're actually just messing with me? I hate that I can't find it in myself to trust you. But yet, whatever you choose, I'll try to co-operate with you. I'll try, but I won't make any promises if you decide to abandon me once again.

God, you're kill me.

Bea

P.S. Happy 15 Month.

[51-letters]

letter #34 - november 28, 2010

Well it looks like we're talking again?

I don't know where our friendship/relationship is going. I just honestly don't know.

Just tell me if you're messing with my mind. I need to know..

Bea

[51-letters]

letter #33 - november 27, 2010

I had an okay amazing night with you. Even though I'm so sure you were only using me to get some action - I still had such a wonderful night because it felt like, for a short period of time, that we were back together.

Your voice, I finally got to hear it. Your eyes, I finally got to see 'em.

I don't really know what's going to happen now.

I mean, you texted me when I got home, but I think it's only because you felt bad for me.

I don't know what to think - did you really just take advantage of me? And if you did, then why am I okay with it?

Bea

[51-letters]

letter #32 - november 26, 2010

My mom bought me Sims 3! I think I'm obsessed <3

I had a pretty successful day of shopping, but I feel guilty for missing basketball practice. That means I don't get to play as much tomorrow /:

I'm gonna see you :) I've got the slightest bit of hope that you'll maybe, maybe fall in love with me "again". I really wanna kiss you, and be with you.

I'm not really sure what to expect.. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

-Bea

[51-letters]

letter #31 - november 25, 2010

It's Thanksgiving.

Today, you told me you didn't want to talk to me 'every hour, everyday'. I understand. I just wish you wanted things to be like they used to, because that's what I want.

And Jane told me there's a party at Daryl's on Saturday. I have a feeling you'll be there..

That means I finally get to see you.

I'm gonna go shopping with Blair later tonight/tomorrow morning.

-Bea

[51-letters]

letter #30 - november 24, 2010

Today I laughed so hard that soda went up my nose. XD If you were there you would have laughed so hard.

I miss you. /:

[51-letters]

letter #29 - november 23, 2010

I hate not knowing whether or not I'll be getting a text from you. Like, this morning I got a text from someone, I thought it was you and I got all excited, but it was actually Dan Blake. You torture me, don't you know that? I hate not having you. I hate not being with you. It pretty much kills me everyday.

I want you back more than anything. I'm still stuck in our world. Why'd you leave me here? I haven't been happy ever since you left me. And isn't that why you left me? So I'd be happy? Not working out too well. You thought I was unhappy with you. "I'm happy, aren't you happy?".. I should've said that. Why do I need you so much? You're my world Ryan, I need you. Why can't you realize that already?

-Bea

[51-letters]

letter #28 - november 22, 2010

Ryan,

Who am I kidding? You don't want me back.

But I'm not giving up. Whatever it takes, I'LL DO IT.

Why? Because I love you. There's no other way to explain it. I fucking love you.

<3 Isabella.

[51-letters]

letter #27 - november 21, 2010

Talking to you like normal again. Except of course, you take forever to respond to me thanks to your damn xbox. Whatever makes you happy, I guess.

My dad left today.. I don't know where he is, and that worries me.

The only reason I'm staying here is you. I can always make new friends, start a new life.. But I'll never find anyone quite like you. You and I are in love.. just stop denying it..

I want you back before Christmas. That's my Christmas wish.

Bea. <3

[51-letters]

letter #26 - november 20, 2010

My parents are getting divorced. Thankfully you were there to talk to me and distract me from it.

Broke up with Nate, just so you would talk to me again.

We did that thing we haven't done in a while. You know.. over the phone. :)

Quite an enjoyable night. I think you'd know why.

-Bea

(Author's note: I'm going to regret this day very, very much.)

[51-letters]

letter #25 - november 19, 2010

For some reason, I wish you didn't approve of Nate. I wish you were fighting to have me back..

Truth is, he doesn't make me feel the way you did. And that depresses me.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One comes out today!

I wish we could watch it together. That would be such a fun date. We never got to go to Toys R Us and play dress up at TJ Maxx. I miss you again. I miss us again. And that frightens me.

-Bea

[51-letters]

letter #24 - november 18, 2010

RYAN!!!

I made the team. I. Made. The. Team. I MADE THE TEAM!!! I'm so excited. I feel so good and I really did not think that I would make it.

I really wish we were talking right now so you could celebrate with me. Aaah I'm so happy. I can't wait to get better at basketball. That's the main reason I tried out - so I can get better.

At the same time, I'm still nervous because I'm not exactly the best player on the team. I really wanna get better at this!

I hope you show up at the South County game and cheer me on? (Author's note: I'm gonna regret wishing this..)

LBGFB - that's a mouthful! Haha.

I can't believe I made it. Even if it's just Freshman, I'm so surprised. Some people were mad that they only made Freshman and not JV, and they called the freshman team "losers". It makes me feel like I didn't accomplish anything.

Aaaah my legs are so sore. My thighs damnit. I need a massage..

-Isabella.

[51-letters]

letter #23 - november 17, 2010

LAST NIGHT OF TRYOUTS.

My nerves are killing me. Aaaaah.

I might break up with Nate soon. It's just not right. He doesn't make me happy like you do. I miss your voice..

This is so bad.. /:

-Bea.

[51-letters]

letter #22 - november 16, 2010

I had basketball tryouts last night. I forgot how much I loved playing. It's so fun. I did a lot better than I had expected. Except, towards the middle, this girl passed the ball way too hard and I jammed my middle finger. In the middle of tryouts.. which is bad..

It's so purple now. It's all swollen and nasty. I really want to make the team. I want to do this so bad. You have no idea.

Then me and Nate could play each other! Haha.

You're such a bum.. why don't you do sports anymore? You're married to your xbox.. Oh God.

I wonder how you're doing. Got a new girl already? Let me know.

-Bea

P.S. I miss you.

[51-letters]

letter #21 - november 15, 2010

Ryan,

Nate asked me out yesterday. And I kinda regret saying yes for some reason. I don't know why. It just doesn't feel right. He doesn't seem genuine. I don't think I should believe everything he says to me.

And he's not you. I'm not comfortable with him. It was so easy to be with you. I didn't have to fake smiles or force hugs. You were just.. perfect. We were perfect.

I find that I had been given so many chances to get over you. I just can't. Nothing will really make me as happy as when I was with you.

I'm so bi-polar. One second I'm doing great with Nate, then the next I'm missing you, and everything we did together. I can't even remember what Nate's eyes look like - I'm still in love with yours.

I just really hate how wrong this feels. I like him, I do. But it's not right. I'll wait it out. Maybe I need to open my eyes to what's right in front of me. I haven't seen you in exactly 3 months. I miss you like crazy. I wish you'd talk to me - even just on the phone, or Skype.

I'm a terrible person. Nate deserves better than me. I always lead guys on until they fall for me - then I go back to you. What's wrong with me? I'm such a bitch.

-Bea

[51-letters]

letter #20 - november 14, 2010

NATE ASKED ME OUT:)