Letters I never sent Vol. 2
Thinking so much about you isn’t healthy. Sometimes I try to stop myself but mostly, what I do is indulge. There are so many scenarios in my head that I wish I could write scripts. I’ve got tons of material for romantic movies in my head. This is just another attempt to understand why that is. I hadn’t talked to you in five years. Correction: I used to talk to you every year, you didn’t. Suddenly, you talk back and my stomach has butterflies again. Why? Why hasn’t this feeling died out yet? I guess some things are beyond our understanding. They float within us while others slip into oblivion. I also do believe this has something to do with souls. But this is a dangerous game. I still don’t know what you think of me now. I imagine all kinds of things. We might not even meet eventually. We might do meet, and what am I going to say? I want to say “I love you” but how do you say that, after so many years, to someone you hurt, without sounding weird? I hope we still have that understanding beyond words. Because you know, it’s not just love that I’m feeling. I care about you, I want to take care of you and I need you to trust me as blindly as I would. I would like you to be ALL IN but I know that’s a long shot. This is such a problematic situation. I can’t appreciate anyone nearly as much as you, nothing sticks around for long. If you turn me down, I’m fucking lost! I thought I only wanted you to accept my apology, but it seems like nothing will ever be enough with you. Maybe I won’t rest even if I marry you and have your children.
Am I mad?! Another possible explanation would be that I suffer from a mental illness. That one would really explain a lot. I act like a psycho sometimes, with the most concerning sign being that I am fearless. I’m not too afraid to love you anymore, now that the timing seems all wrong. Now that chances are not in my favour, not to the least. What’s wrong with me?!
But no, no. Every song I like reminds me of you, every poem, every quote. This has to be due to something you do. What’s this thing you do to me? And how can you do it being so far away? I love you!!! For all the things I saw in you and for all the things in which I saw you. I love your face and legs and arms, but most of all I love all the things no one else has ever seen in you. The way you speak, the way you express yourself and your feelings. I love the language of your eyes. I love your sweet nothings and your energy. I love your passion and your constant search for new adventures. Your fearlessness, your seriousness, your funny moments and your wit... :)
