#levihan angst

[sunflowersunite]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

In another universe, it was one more day until the Battle of Heaven and Earth.

*peers out the window*

"muuum, the crazy Levihan fanfic dealer is here again"

[not-beautiful-just-damned]

Promise Me, One Year From Now

My first ever fic on AO3 is a whole year old today! That's craaazy. Promise Me, One Year From Now - Read here on AO3 Levi raises a toast in honour of the friends he has lost. As he relives painful memories and promises from the past, he finds that the burden of his grief is made lighter in the company of those he loves. Extra angst. Extra flashbacks. Extra Levihan. I wonder how it compares to my writing now? Hard to tell. I think this fic kind of fell into the ether as it's a one shot and, at the time, was posted via a brand new account with no stats.

[wanderlustqueen-writes]

Alice, I always love to see your writing in my dashboard, so for Drunk Drabbles, Vol. 2, I challenge you to 4: Please come back.

Have fun!

Send me a number and I'll write you a drabble - Part 2! Number 4: Please, come back Pairing: Levi Ackerman x Hange Zoë Warnings: SFW. Angst. Additional tags: They/Them pronouns for Hange Zoë Wordcount: 1,1k

The chirping of the birds grew clearer as his mind drifted away from sleep, the rustling of the wind caressing the trees near the window soon joining the morning symphony. Gentle rays of sunlight streamed through the glass and lazily landed on his face, making him see orange through his eyelids.

Levi took a deep breath, bracing himself for the hell that awaited him once he opened his eyes.

But the air that filled his lungs brought in a different scent, one he recognized from his past, from the many mornings he’d woken up next to them. A musky, oily thing he couldn’t, in a million years, mistake for something else. He breathed in again, this time welcoming the aroma he loved so much. His nose nuzzled forward, searching for the messy hair that should be there, eager to feel some of the ends that always stuck out prickling at his skin. He wasn’t disappointed.

His hand fumbled the mattress before him, cautiously, as if to not dissipate the illusion that he was experiencing right now, and his heart skipped a beat when his palm was met by soft, tangible skin. He groped it, marveling at the feeling of the muscles relaxing beneath his touch, the familiar curve of their waist, and the way the sleeping body moved slightly back, trying to adjust itself closer to his, out of pure habit. 

He couldn’t afford to be cautious anymore. Not when every single inch of his body ached and screamed for Hange, every second away from them, pure torture. So he held them, tighter than ever, bringing himself forward so that he was touching them in every way possible. In a perfect world, he would merge into them, the remaining halves of the wings of freedom together forever, but for now, he would make do with having the front of his body completely touching their back, from the hair drowning his face to the calves pushing against his instep. 

For a while, he just lay there, marveling at the feeling of being able to wake up next to the person he cared about the most in the world. When so many good people, deserving of happiness, were wronged by fate, he managed to get the best ending he could hope for. How? How did he get so lucky??

But he wasn’t a lucky guy, was he? History had proven that time after time. Was it all to compensate for his happy ending? Maybe destiny worked like a scale, it could only give happiness if it gave the same measure of sadness.

Don’t think too much about it. A voice, no, an instinct in his mind warned him.

If he got his happy ending, why did this uneventful morning feel so magical to him?

DON’T think about it.

So he let it go, and focused again on the feeling of having Hange in his arms. He was more confident now, so, for the first time, he let his eyelids flutter open.

His eyes were blessed by the sight of Hange’s sleeping form. The silky pajamas moved up and down, following the tranquil rhythm of their breathing. The sun projected over the fair skin, bathing with its light all the marks and scars Levi knew by heart. He’d seen the same scene many times in the past, in the mornings after they came back from an expedition. When grief and relief coexisted in their hearts. He loved watching Hange sleeping, so quiet and peaceful as if they lived in a completely different world, without Titans, without conflicts, poverty, or segregation. The world he knew they were fighting to build. He loved and missed that sight so much. Missed? Why? 

Don’t go there.

Levi remembered how, on those mornings, he had that strange urge to speak. He was never one to talk much, always communicated better through his actions, but lying next to Hange, he struggled to keep the words inside. We don’t have time for this now. He said told himself every time. When this is all over, I’ll say it.

“Hange” Levi whispered against their ear, laying a soft kiss over the shell.

“Yeah?” They answered with a drowsy voice, hands sliding down to Levi’s, to hug him closer. 

“I love you. Let’s live together”

Hange’s body shook as they laughed lightly, and the low rhythmic sound made Levi’s soul fly free. 

“We already live together, dumbass,” they said, playfully. There was a pause, a deep breath, and then their voice came back, serious and heartfelt “I love you too.”

Stubborn tears started prickling his eyes, fighting their way out. How was it possible to feel relief and anguish at the same time? It was good to let out the words that he’d imprisoned for so long. It felt like breathing after holding his breath for too long. But this feeling soon faded in comparison to the way his heart shrunk, crushed by the weight of regret. Regret over what? 

Don’t think about it. 

Being too late?

Stop thinking about it!

Was he? Too late? 

STOP

The ship had sailed?

DON’T!

The plane took off?

*click*

The wave of sorrow that crashed over Levi was so violent he almost threw up. Disordered images of the kids bawling inside of the aircraft attacked him from all sides, like vultures biting off the pieces of his fantasy, their cries bleeding into his ears. It was hard to breathe, the air in his room suddenly thin.

Hange Zoë, 14th commander of the Survey Corps, fulfilled their duty and died a heroic death in battle. They sacrificed themselves for the survival of their comrades. They fought for peace and died to save the world. 

Each of these words cut through Levi’s heart as he mentally repeated them. It was the only way he could cope whenever he had one of these dreams. If he didn’t face reality head-on, it would just become harder and harder. These fantasies weren’t meant to last forever.

Levi liked to think of the dreams as presents from Hange. Like they came down from where they were watching him, to give him a glimpse of what life could have been, or will be, eventually. It was a nice thought, and the pain was part of the deal. The scale of destiny, you can only get happiness if… 

Maybe all miracles come with a price. Maybe Hange was paying for it too, wherever they were. The least he could do was show his gratitude.

“Kuso Megane,” Levi whispered, reluctant eyes glimpsing at the empty mattress before him “thanks for stopping by.” His breath faltered, as hesitant words left his lips “If you’re watching, please, come back.”  _________________________________________ Thank you so much @sixpennydame <3 I love seeing you on my dash as well, and I had loads of fun writing this fic (I don't usually venture into angst, so it was a nice experience ^^)

[mello-jello]

Hi, Jello. Do you have any song that reminds you to LH? I want to make a playlist to cry (kidding…or not)

Cry to The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance

[lordbib]

Please hurry leave me

I can't breathe

Please don't say you love me

胸がはち切れそうで (My chest is about to burst)

[lordbib]

Sweetheart, you look a little tired When did you last eat? Come in and make yourself right at home Stay as long as you need Tell me, is something wrong? If something's wrong, you can count on me You know I'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat

It's okay if you can't find the words Let me take your coat And this weight off of your shoulders

Like a force to be reckoned with A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss I will love you with every single thing I have Like a tidal wave, I'll make a mess Or calm waters, if that serves you best I will love you without any strings attached

It's okay if you can't catch your breath You can take the oxygen straight out of my own chest

I know exactly how the rule goes Put my mask on first No, I don't want to talk about myself Tell me where it hurts I just want to build you up, build you up 'Til you're good as new And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too

I don't even know where to start Already tired of trying to recall when it all fell apart I just want to love you, to love you, to love you well I just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself

Like a force to be reckoned with A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss I will love you without any strings attached And what a privilege it is to love A great honor to hold you up

Like a force to be reckoned with A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss I will love you with every single thing I have Like a tidal wave, I'll make a mess Or calm waters if that serves you best I will love you without any strings attached I will love you without a single string attached

[mello-jello]

Mine, gone, playground, kiss, smile

Levi sat on a park bench, watching his young daughter climbing around the playground. She was a spitting image of Hange. However, Levi was involved, and so his daughter’s hair was washed and brushed daily.

She teetered on the high platform, waving to him with huge smile on her face.

“Dada, I swide!” She pointed to the slide.

“I’m watching,” he said back, giving her an encouraging wave.

She slid down, but her legs were too short to stop her from landing on her butt with an “Oof!” though she immediately got up, saying, “I ‘kay! Don’t worry, I ’kay!”

Levi doesn’t remember when he got used to the resiliency of toddlers. At first, he would worry whenever she did anything remotely dangerous. But now he knows to let her learn on her own, and he often found it adorable. He could watch her explore the world around them for hours.

She shared her mother’s insatiable curiosity and determination.

The little toddler was running clumsily towards him now, “mine, mine!” she was saying, pointing towards the snack she had abandoned in favour of the playground.

“Yes, these are yours,” Levi said, holding the goldfish crackers just out of her reach. “You need to wash your hands first, remember?”

Mini Hange nodded, extending her hands out eagerly. Levi pulled the pack of sanitary wipes from the diaper bag and cleaned her filthy little hands, and her face, just to be sure. He handed her the little bowl of crackers and picked her up, putting most of her weight on his hip. He gave her chubby cheek a kiss. “Are you ready to go home?” He asked.

“Is Momma home?” she asked, eyes fixed on digging out another goldfish.

“No, baby… She’s not.”

“Where Momma?”

Levi sighed. These questions never got easier.

“She’s gone, baby.”

[mello-jello]

Red, losing, bath, flowers & sadness

Okay, this got sad.

Levi’s gut wretched at their words. “We have found commander Hange Zoe’s body”.

They had stated it so clinically, so matter of fact, that even Levi was put off by it. She wasn’t some artifact. She was Hange. His Four-Eyes. She was a living, breathing, loving, caring human being just 5 days ago.

“You understand, don’t you?” He remembered her words spoken in the moment he was losing her. And he remembered the ugly, all consuming moment he lost her. Levi was no stranger to pain and loss. He had more than his fair share, and yet, he was overcome with a sadness and grief like never before.

They decided on a closed casket ceremony. Levi bitterly protested, stating she was half cremated already, wincing at his own words. However, he relented. He was grateful for it later when he was with Hange’s body before the ceremony. He knew she wasn’t here here but seeing her aided in feeling her presence.

He took a bouquet from many that littered the funeral hall. He picked out the best looking, most beautiful flowers and placed them around her head, outlining her.

He remembered the last bath he gave her. He had sprinkled rose petals in the water, just for an extra added touch. How he wishes he could go back to that moment.

For a moment, all Levi could see was red. He was so angry. He used the rest of the flowers to hastily cover the rest of her, and slammed the casket shut.

He draws three deep breaths and returns to his wheelchair. Lets get this over with.