#levy scribbles

[obsidian-vineyard84]

*accidently gets so invested in a story im working on and decided to make a whole mythology for the universe*

So, some deity concepts? Thoughts?

- Levy 🍇

[leeeovitate]

Half Alive

Written (and posted) June 12th. Happy Independence day, Pilipinas kong mahal!

I am only brave enough to write this because I know my 150+ followers do not know me and more than 99% of them would not even bother to read this and just scroll past this lengthy post, thank you.

Have you ever felt like you’ve been living life by being barely there? That is how I have been all my life. It messes me up—the present version of me, I mean.

When I’m doing medicine stuff like attending class, I literally can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t find even just a little amount of joy. I feel like I should be doing something else. You probably wonder why I keep doing it anyhow. The answer is my parents. I live in a world where practicality is a priority and your passion should always take the back seat especially if it could not support you. I completely understand and know where this is coming from. Everyday is a struggle. I have been raised cautious that I could never become a risk taker and right now, that is all I want to be.

When I’m doing something, I truly love, I feel guilty. Making music takes up so much time and ideas come from another and they never stop. I should be spending my time, understanding the topics I have learned. YES, learned. There are things I should know by now but still do not and it is a must because people’s lives fall into our hands. I feel like I’ve studied it before or heard about it but when I come across it again, nothing. It is a vicious cycle. I don’t read notes, I stare at them while I listen to music until it’s dark, until it’s time to sleep and I did not retain anything. In high school, I listen to music and sing along to the lyrics while reading novels. I pride myself as a multitasker. That does not work when I’m reading medical textbooks. I hate wasting time that I have become the person who is always in a rush and I end up accomplishing nothing. I worry too much for nothing. I spend time in coffeeshops, more than what is probably acceptable, I tried studying in groups or spent time in the library. I think I have tested every possible thing and nothing works for me. It is a miracle that I got through it and I am proud of myself for not cheating ever. If there is one thing I feel about in medschool, this is it. Kids my age find ways. We are very clever and I’m glad I never resorted to that.

Sometimes, I feel sad for myself. I could not give anything a hundred percent. There’s this All Time Low which says “Can’t get 100 if you’re only giving 95” and that specific line is the story of my life. I’m right here but I’m not. It’s difficult to explain. In the middle of the night like at 2-3 am, melodies would come creeping in; lyrics mostly come during the day when I see things and realize something but the crazy ideas, I get when I’m about to sleep and I would only be appeased if I write it down or record it on my phone. In that way, I feel like I related to Charlie Puth, not in his level of genius obviously but I am complete in love with his musicality. He called his album voice note because that how he comes up with ideas and I do that too. My phone is filled with songs I might not even get to write. Anyway, he said he does not record everything because if he can’t even remember it then it’s probably not worth it but I record everything if I can. I was not aware of his skills until like recently but I remember loving his debut album so much, my favorite from there was Then There’s You. Gosh, I wish someone wrote that song for me or something. I would definitely marry that guy. Major segway lol.

I kind of felt cheated in life. Why give me something like this and not make it? Did I not want it bad enough? I feel like I really do. I just did not have the resources nor the support even just the words of encouragement or constructive criticisms. Nursing was supposed to be my fallback if music did not work but I ended up advancing further in the study. I did the songwriting competitions with a friend of mine in college but we never really made it. It had themes and I couldn’t lut my heart out there because I at the time I loathed my mother and hated nursing related stuff. I robbed myself of the happiness I should have felt in nursing and I am truly sorry for that. Now I am much older and still nothing. Age is such a factor for me and I feel like I’m losing. I did not even know this was supposed to be a race until everybody seemed to be concern of how old people was when they made it. I had zero support too. The first person who told me I would never make it as a musician was my own blood because I probably sang too loud in the shower. How am I supposed to keep up with that? I never felt comfortable with this craft at home but in school, my friends had scary big dreams too and we kind of supported each other. This is why I am still so hung up on high school. We believed we could be bestselling authors or do world tours or meet our favorite artists. We could just BE. I just want to be a kid again and talk about what we want to be when we grow up. Do it right the second time around. I believed I could make it after high school, even counted down to it but surgery happened. During nursing school, I was in a dark place. This is when I started to become active online. I was never the social media gal but I became one after the surgery took away my thyroid gland and pieces of my dreams and confidence and replaced it with fear and self doubt. I asked for a sign, if I top the board, I will be a nurse and if not, I will pursue medicine after a year but my mom sent out applications for medicine. Of the 3 schools in my city, only one was still accepting applicants and that was where I went. I wanted to give myself a break but my mom had different ideas so enrolled one month after passing my Nurse Licensure Examination. I could not tell until now if that was the best idea for me. She believes it is. I got burned out and for the first time, I experienced failure. I promised myself I would never be in that place again. I met good people but I’m still hollow. I crave brilliance. I miss my high school crowd every single time probably not as much as they miss me, if they even do.

During the years, I found myself evolving. I was a band kind of person but I find myself listening to Chainsmokers and fell in love with Gryffin’s music and Illenium. I expanded my horizons and now I don’t have a particular genre anymore. I scratched my country pop and punk rock persona. I did not like to listen to song without “real instrument” before, as how I used to put it but I am embracing EDM wholeheartedly. The beat just gets stuck in your head.

Back then, I write a song and feel good about it. I used to have them in sheets of yellow paper then I had this obsession with journals where I do sketches or poetry and I actually like have more than 10 of them for songs. These days, if less than half the class pass an exam and I belong to that, I’m okay but when I finish a song that consolidates how I feel right that very moment, I feel ecstatic. That level of happiness for me is so rare. That is what I want to keep doing for the rest of my life but I am not one of the lucky ones. I used to record my songs in one take like after I finish them, I record it immediately and upload the raw version online. I thought if I work fast that’s awesome but actually nobody really cares. Nobody would even know. Those were like skeletons of what an actual song should be. I wish I did but I did not know better. There is a whole bigger world of music beyond songwriting and I am currently treading and failing at it right now. I thought if one producer comes across it, he/she would finish the job but that never happened to me. I tried my hand at upload youtube videos too, still no luck in that department. I was not blessed to be “discovered”. I stepped into the world of music production and that’s another high maintenance venture of mine. It is so tough when you’re broke and are stuck in the wrong tracks of the world. I thought I would make it with my notebook and a guitar but I guess my generation requires more than that.

I had cheap everything. I couldn’t ask my parents for anything. I can’t afford an ambition. Sometimes, I wonder what if I believed in myself like 1% more? Would I have made it? I couldn’t even sing in front of anyone. I can’t even remember my singing voice before the surgery. Now, I always sing offkey and I want to make it better but I feel like I’m too old for this now. I hate myself for still wanting it so badly after failing at it straight for 12 years. I spend most of my days in youtube. My knowledge is medicine is getting trampled on. I can’t seem to just burry this 6 feet under or keep it in a box at the attic and just focus on healing people’s diseases. Maybe I was grateful during my last year in medschool where we spent 12-36hours per shift in the hospital taking care of sick people but who knows maybe I was just too busy to think about what I really want. I don’t want to live in regrets. I still want this. I feel like music is in me but what if I’m just pushing it? Reaching for something that isn’t really there? When I first took piano lessons, I look at things and assign notes like do re mi etc on walls, tiles, pavements. I tell time through songs. When we first bought a secondhand drumset throught my aunt, the owner made me play. He taught me quite a few beats I had zero knowledge in drums or whatnots but he said “It’s really different when someone musically inclined does the playing”. My sister ended up being the master of the drums and she got her own brand new drum set. One time, while I was discovering the realms of songwriting, I ran out of ideas and texted 4 of my friends to send me phrases I could make into songtitles, they did so I did too. I forgot the rest but I remember writing “Out from my little castle”. Did these people just plant hope in me when I actually did not have it? I don’t know if this dual personality is good for me. “Jack of all trades, master of none.” I’m scared of that. I’m scared gambling everything because that’s how dreamers made it, right? Yes that’s me, always so damn scared. I’m also scared to be “too happy” because it backfires. I would have left town but I feared leaving as no one and come back as still nothing. When I’m in my deathbed I don’t want a Grammy award telling me “you know, you could have had me if only you believed in yourself enough, if you did not listen to other people and just tried really hard.”

This is me, halfway living. I hope I pass the boards in time and give the other me a chance.

I am a one paragraph kind of person because you know, I don’t even proofread what I post or something which is probably a bad idea anyway but I felt the need to break this post into several ones.

[obsidian-vineyard84]

It ain't mermay yet but my brain said siren scribble time. I'll color em all one day, color suggestions for Jelly fish, Octo, n Beta fish based sirens are appreciated uwu. Chubby orange/red fishie belongs to @happinap now uwu, shark bab is my child.

Please don't repost!!! Reblog!!!!

- Levy the Grape Mod

[obsidian-vineyard84]

Made a design,,,? Only one of em has a same, ill get names for the other two,, but hab porbl frens. I just decided to color the sketch rather than lining it, and I think it looks really nice,,,

Please don't repost!!!! Reblog!!!!!

- Levy the Grape Mod

[obsidian-vineyard84]

Dum scribble page, spooky character, might have a name for her, might not, dunno.

Please don't repost!!! Or trace!!!! Reblog!!!!

- Levy the Grape Mod 🍇

[obsidian-vineyard84]

I've not really finished much art recently, but here's a scribble page! OwO dragons are fun to scribble about

Please don't repost!!! Reblog!!!!

- Levy the Grape Mod 🍇

[obsidian-vineyard84]

Oops, guess who spent a while finishing up the character sketches and adding unnecessary color? This fool, that's who

Please don't repost!!!! Reblog!!!!

- Levy the Grape 🍇

[obsidian-vineyard84]

New bab? New bab, w/scribble concepts of her owo. Her name is Vivian, thank @happinap for that name owo

Please don't repost!!! Reblog!!!

- Levy the Grape Mod