Dear Liam Perry,
I'm sorry I broke my promise. I'm sorry that I didn't hold your precious face between my hands and tell you that I loved you, and kiss you goodbye. I'm sorry that I hurt you beyond any pain you ever deserve to feel. I'm sorry we never got married--I wanted nothing more than to be your husband. To spend the rest of my life with you the right way.
Know, Liam, know that I loved you more than anything in the world. That I love you so much it hurt. You were the happiness I was seeking, Liam Perry--and I know that I made you happy, too. But I wasn't the happiness you deserved. I wasn't the kind of happiness you seeked. I wish I was. I wish I was strong enough to be. I wish I could fill that whole in your heart I'm leaving behind. I wish I could kiss every scar better--but instead I've created one by leaving. I loved you with everything I was, Liam--but I loved you wrong. I wanted to make you happy to the point where I let myself get hurt. I let every problem of mine go unnoticed because I just wanted to be better for you so badly that I pretended I was. Some day, someone will love you the right way. Much, much better than I did. They will let you in to their heart, under their rock hard soul and they will be what you are looking for.
Mon amour. Mon coeur.. The first day we met, when you were on your way up to the roof to meet me for a headache fix of cigarettes--I was so glad you had no idea who I was, what'd I'd done to myself. I was happy to have someone that wouldn't judge me for the scars. You were just what I needed. You were refreshing. Especially since we were speaking French and no one understood our conversation. I remember thinking that was why we should be friends--because we could have secret conversation. And you accidentally touched my hand, and I remember brushing it off like nothing, looking up and thinking you were attractive when you smoked. Then, looking at you a second time, thinking you were beautiful. You looked out at the stars, at the city and said "Maybe I will live for this". We talked of happiness, and you said to me, "I want something that actually makes me happy, something that fills the inside empty". Do you remember what I told you, after that?
There is no need to worry, Liam. Happiness hides well, but he can not hide for long. You'll find it. It will surprise you. I do not think you have to wait long, and if you do. It'll be worth the wait.
I've never meant something more than those words, and I love you. Happiness will find you, Liam. When you least expect it. I know I'm leaving you with a broken heart, but I'm leaving the pieces in good hands. Trust me, Liam. I promise you can trust me. Someone will make you happy. Someone will make your heart hurt a little less. When that happens--when your smile comes back, it'll be worth the wait. I know you know where to find it. But you have to let me go, Liam. Don't let me hold you back from that happiness. Please. You have to let me go.
And I will still love you, always,
Jude Klassen.
Dated Sept. 13, 2012.
