@twinkmastertoudou wanted a fix-it-fic and I owe it to her for dragging her to this hell with me
When Syd woke up, Liam wasn’t there.
They weren’t there at all, so Syd thought for a moment that it was another dream. Like the one when he woke up right where he fell asleep, wrapped around Liam, their hands still tangled, and a metal hand digging uncomfortably but protectively into Syd's back. Knox was there too, legs crossed in front of him as he stared at Syd pointedly, grinning and making obnoxious kissy faces. That might not have been a dream – it could have been fever.
He was lying on a bed in a dimly lit room now, and Liam was dozing off on a shabby chair nearby. He nearly tipped over and fell once he realized Syd's eyes were open, but he didn’t dare speak. He just sat there, his back a straight line pulled taut, as his eyes raked over Syd's body in search of signs of hurt or discomfort. He looked tired, but alive, and Syd felt relieved, even though he was never really in any danger, at least not when he wasn’t being shot at. At least not like Syd was, or Marie.
Marie.
“Marie is fine,” said Liam as soon as he noticed Syd's eyes widen in sudden realization. “She’s already up and running around changing the world.”
Syd sagged against the bed in relief. He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure he could even if he knew. How long has it been since the last time he spoke? Swallowing hurt. He didn’t know what to say anyway.
“I’ll go get her. She’s been visiting whenever she could. She’ll be happy you’re awake. The water is on your left. Do you need help sitting up?”
Syd shook his head, and Liam nodded curtly before he left. Syd knew Liam hadn't left his bedside, because he'd promised Syd wouldn't suffer alone. As cold water finally slid down his dry throat, Syd finally fully comprehended that he was alive. He, they, had more time, and Syd had no idea how to use it.
Marie would have known what to say.
Everything changed, but it was as if nothing changed at the same time. Only the lucky ones survived – not the strong, or good, just random lucky individuals that were going to create everything from scraps again. They no longer treated Syd like their messiah – another word from the world before this, and the one before, that made Syd think fondly of Mr. Baram, and miss him terribly – and they seemed happier. Free. Like Marie always believed they could.
Liam was still hovering, no more nor less than before… everything. He kept his distance, but his presence felt as constricting as it felt then. He touched Syd only if he absolutely had to, and only with his metal hand; as if nothing changed at all. Syd wondered if Liam lost interest once Syd stopped being Yovel, if he kept an eye on him out of some misguided sense of duty or guilt. Syd didn’t like the idea.
“He’s giving you an out you know,” Marie said, watching Syd watch Liam. “All these breath-stopping looks, dramatic kisses, and whatnot, he thinks it was just a 'well if we’re going to die anyway' thing. He’s giving you an out, and you’re taking it.”
“No, I’m not. Because no, he’s not.”
Syd didn’t think so. Now that he was only Syd again, he was just that one guy who almost got Liam killed in all the imaginable ways, and ended up not saving anyone. Who ended up like everyone else – lucky. Liam didn’t want to hear Syd's story anymore.
“He has your name tattooed on his chest Syd,” Marie reminded him.
He shook his head. “He has a political function tattooed on his chest. I’m no longer serving that function.”
“I don't know enough about blood transfusions,” she said with a sigh, “but I worry that Knox infected you with his stupidity somehow. Through sheer exposure perhaps.”
Syd didn’t want to talk or think about Liam, so he welcomed the change of subject. He smiled despite himself, unable to remember if they'd ever talked about Knox like that, after. He decided it was a good way of remembering him, and hoped he and Marie would do it frequently from now on.
He missed Knox now more than ever. He missed Egan too. They should have been here. They should have been able to see this world, and be a part of it. He believed both of them would have been lucky enough. Idiots like them often were.
“Maybe stupidity is transmitted orally,” he mused.
Once Marie realized he was talking about kissing, she punched him in the arm and laughed. Syd laughed too, but he was thinking about Liam again.
At first, it was weird to work again after being an untouchable savior who only used his hands to wave at the crowds. It was weird having Liam let him, most of all. Then it felt refreshing, and then exhausting, and then it was just a part of his day, like he was a part of the community. It was normal, and boring, and tiring, and Syd liked it. Things have changed completely, for the second time in his short life, but he found himself wishing they would stay like that, at least for a while.
He also wished Liam would talk to him. He didn't have to want Syd again, but a conversation of more than five clipped sentences would be nice. Syd assumed that was what Liam felt like when Syd was Yovel, and determined on remaining stubbornly ignorant of Liam's feelings. He assumed that was what having feelings felt like.
Having feeling for Atticus Finch, in all their superficial convenience of the first unattainable crush, was easy. Having feelings for Knox, in all their inappropriate complexity, and most probably utter hopelessness, and confusion that never really went away, was easy too. All that was easy because Syd never had to – never had a chance to – do anything about it.
Having feelings for Liam was different, but Syd still did nothing about it. With the world changing drastically around him, not much about Syd has changed – in many ways he was still a Chapter Eleven orphan from the Valve that didn't deserve, or amount to, anything.
Marie was rolling her eyes a lot, which wasn't helpful in the slightest.
Liam seemed to gradually become more comfortable around Syd, and they started spending time together again. They talked a lot, laying foundation for tentative friendship, as there was no longer any obligation or difference in status between them, and they could. They discussed the future, the past, the people, the weather. They shared their stories. They got to know each other, and Syd was happy. And yet, something was missing.
“You want to kiss him,” Marie drawled, pursing her lips not unlike the fever-induced Knox. “Admit it. You really care about him.”
“Of course I care about him,” said Syd, frowning and crossing his arms defensively. “Me not caring about him is not the problem.”
Marie whistled, impressed for some reason. “You actually think he doesn’t care about you. Amazing. Millions of years of evolution and boys are still as dumb as bells.”
No one talked like that anymore. Or rather, no one had before, and now they started to speak like that again. The people have found more books. Not many, but enough to start reading again, for education and pleasure. Liam brought Syd whatever he found, and while they lost on their novelty and rarity, the gifts still made Syd’s chest tighten. He offered to teach Liam to read, but he refused. Syd understood.
“You need to talk to him,” Marie said, suddenly serious. “I know the big, strong, silent type has its appeal, but you need to communicate.”
Syd blushed at Marie's description, because it was quite accurate, and it did hold some appeal to Syd. There was still a part of him that didn't believe Marie, that was convinced that Liam was simply no longer interested in Syd like that. Marie's argument about dramatic life and death situations boosting male libido went both ways – it was more likely to be attracted to someone you believed had saved your life and changed your world for the better than for “just Syd,” who was now only good for fixing the few machines people were slowly learning to trust again to make their lives easier, instead of taking control of them.
But Marie was probably right, as she often had been, and besides, could he really call himself and Liam friends if they weren't honest with each other? It was only fair to get everything between them out in the open, and deal with any unresolved issues, unfinished businesses, and the like.
Syd also maybe wanted to kiss Liam again, possibly many times. At least that's what Marie thought.
He was more surprised than he probably should, really, that Liam’s metal hand needed some minor repairs. It made sense, of course, because things broke all the time. Body parts broke too, and Liam’s hand was both. More of a thing, perhaps, if Liam came to Syd with it. Syd hadn’t performed any makeshift medical procedures on anyone since that one time in the hovercraft.
He blushed at the memory. As he tweaked with metal hand currently in his lap, Liam’s elbow resting on his knee, he regretted not having a reason to ask Liam to take off his shirt this time. He blushed even harder at that.
“Is doing this making you uncomfortable?” asked Liam, his voice tight.
Syd didn’t want to say it was making him kind of horny. He sometimes still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact he had time to get kind of horny nowadays. He shook his head and shushed Liam, focusing on the task, which was difficult with Liam’s thighs shifting restlessly in his peripheral vision, and his uneven breath fanning over the top of Syd’s head. Marie was right, and Syd disliked her for it very much.
“We've never really talked about what happened in Mountain City,” Sid managed to say finally. “Between us, I mean.”
Liam's metal hand clenched so hard, the loose parts Syd was fixing nearly popped off. Blinking, Syd sat up straight, and looked at Liam, who averted his eyes, a pained grimace twisting his mouth. Syd put away his tools, taking Liam's hand off his lap, and waited, holding his breath. This had to be the part where Liam said the truth, and Syd walked away, scorned and disappointed.
“I thought you've forgiven me,” Liam said through gritted teeth.
Syd didn't understand. “Forgiven you?”
“For the things I said when I... when we fought.”
Syd remembered. He remembered all the ugly things Liam felt he had to say to make Syd fight back. He remembered thinking that saying those things hurt Liam more than hearing them hurt Syd. He remembered feeling it was wrong of Liam to use his affection as a weapon, to see it as ugly and depraved enough to cut. Stupidly, he didn't realize Liam was still troubled by that.
“You said you loved me.”
“I do,” Liam said immediately, appalled Syd could ever doubt it. “I always will.”
Syd sighed in relief, surprising himself. “Then- Why? Why did you push me away? I don't care about that, I know why you did that. You know I don't care, Liam, I didn't even then, I- I kissed you. Did you think I did that because, what? I was sending a soldier off to die?”
He sucked in a breath when he realized there was some truth to that statement, and that Liam had known that then. After all, he had watched Syd a lot. He let out a shaky breath, a half-laugh. He looked away, unable to face that wet puppy look and see it confirm that Syd was too late with his feelings, or that they weren't enough for Liam.
“I'm not an easy guy to love, am I?” he asked, resigned, and he almost flinched when Liam put his good hand on the side of his neck.
Liam was smiling. “But I don't need easy, remember?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” said Syd.
“Me neither,” said Liam. “History only goes one way.”
Liam put his arm around him, and Syd didn’t flinch. He let Syd rest his head on his wide shoulder. The metal hand sat softly against Syd’s back. His left hand reached across and laced its fingers between Syd’s and Syd squeezed the fingers together.
It wasn’t that Liam decided to do it, or that Syd did either, just that their hands knew things they couldn’t.
