#liaposts

[syviaplath]

I know I'm not on here anymore and maybe no one is ever going to read this, but I just clicked on my tumblr app by accident and thought I'd share just a little of how I'm changed and still changing. A lot of time has passed since I shared more details of my life and since then, I had to learn some hurtful lessons but also am happy and proud of many things that happened, I finished my Bachelor's degree with honors, for example. I moved in with my boyfriend. I spent a month in south east asia. I'm working two jobs at uni. I'm in the middle of my Master's and proud of many of the papers I work on. I started working out three times a week. I challenged myself to spend more time with uni people and made more friends. I am becoming more and more independent, not missing my school life at all anymore. I do my own laundry, I listen to podcasts, I drink oat milk cappuccinos. Yet, I am very sad about the fact that I don't write anymore. I just don't. The habit has just slowly faded and now I don't know how to start it again. I mean, I tried, maybe two or three times over the course of the past months but without exercise you get worse. I don't know. Maybe I can overcome this and start writing again or maybe I should be content with the feeling of having formulated a good argument instead of a good story. I'll see where it takes me, I'll randomly check tumblr again in a year and look back on this post.

[syviaplath]

being home and stepping back into your old life is so weird, it feels like I can just sit back and watch how everything isn't the same anymore. some things I'm glad are gone and changed but there are many things I just wish were still a part of my life. I get nostalgic and it's a sweet illusion. also, I am so scared of forgetting. I forget all the time, I forget what my best friends' laughter sounded like on our interrail trip, I forget how some smiles used to fill me with warmth and I forget the conversations with boys whose names I forgot. I don't know what I'm afraid of losing, memories of good feelings maybe. but I make new memories now. don't I?

[syviaplath]

okay so i am so sorry! I know my blog is a mess. my life is a mess! (but a really really happy one) I’m trying to keep tumblr active but I’ve been so busy. last week: strasbourg with my best friends. beautiful houses, fantastic food, lots of laughter. last days: my best friend’s birthday, wedding of a friend of my boyfriend, met my boyfriend’s family and hometown friends for the first time. I really had fun, felt welcome and am still so in love. next two weeks: the wombats concert in munich!! and going to berlin with my sister to once again see bastille!!! I am living the best life.

[syviaplath]

The first predicate logic tutorial class I held today was really fine despite all the worries I had! Shortly met my boyfriend at uni and went to this fascinating seminar on free will. Also after my course on the history of feminism I bought the city’s best flat white and went home humming in the rain. I am so so so happy right now? 

[syviaplath]

let me put this here so I don’t burst: I’m in love

[syviaplath]

that thing with this boy (whatever it was) is over now. yea I’m kinda sad after he told me that even after these months he just doesn’t seem to have any deeper feelings towards me but honestly, somehow I’ve known all this time that this wasn’t going to last. I always tried to approach it from the point of view that love isn’t about meeting the perfect person but about making an effort to cultivate a relationship where both are just happy. However, there are things I’d like to see in a partner that don’t develop over time - I just need to connect to someone on a deeper level than talking about music or food and kissing. If I’m being honest, the thing I liked most about him was his looks, even. I am glad that I experienced this and I have the feeling I learned that love is something in the middle of meeting “the one” (which I certainly don’t believe in even though I say things like “he just wasn’t the one”) and trying to make it work (that one I have a hard time describing). Also, I think I really sort of learned to love myself more the last years and this is partly why I’m just a little sad, nothing more. I’m kind of motivated, too, to find someone who fits more, someone who likes talking about phenomenology or short stories or saint-saens or heartbreak with me and still wants to kiss me after that.

[syviaplath]

2017

I learned to love my new home in salzburg and began to feel part of the uni community. I started to understand myself a bit more in many ways. I began to really love cooking and eat healthier and less meat. I read something I’ve written to an audience for the first time and felt incredibly proud. I managed not to self harm at all the whole year. I went to prague and london and lisbon and oh what amazing cities. I read a lot and sort of felt immersed in books again after a long time. I developed my own poetry quite a bit. I had my first boyfriend and my second heartbreak just two weeks ago but I learned so much from this and I knew it wasn’t going to last. I had sex for the first time. I saw lorde in concert and it was so magical. I read a fascinating biography about sylvia plath and began to fully understand some of her poems and I learned one of them by heart. I started to love the xx. I had my 18th birthday and I got so drunk I puked from alcohol for the first time. I became more independent and learned to take better care of myself. I did really well in uni and finished ancient greek with a grade I’m really proud of. I understood I can be a different person to new people I meet and I managed not to be forced into the social role that sticks to me for a long time too much. I began to embrace my bisexuality. I became the best in my logic class. I had a few really really bad days, too. I had a wonderful trip to garda lake with my two best friends. I voted in an election for the first time. I started to write poetry slam sort of poems. I managed to open up socially and became friends with a few people I met in 2016. I learned quite a lot fascinating things especially in analytical philosophy and epistemology. I started to listen to podcasts. I found my new favourite cafe. I befriended with my two flatmates. In many ways I became a new person and I’m glad I lived through all of this (and so much more).

[syviaplath]

repeat after me: being disliked by someone doesn’t lower your self-worth. being disliked by someone doesn’t lower your self-worth. being disliked by someone doesn’t lower your self-worth.