“it’s a bad time in my life”
i’m so fucking depressed. i’ve hit a new low. i’m so obsessed with this girl that i met over tinder. i definitely fell for her and i’m absolutely going crazy over it. my feelings are so polar opposite. one moment i’m so optimistic and strong, the other i’m just on edge and on the verge of crying. i feel so trapped. i wish i could just see her and casually strike up a conversation with her, but it’s so hard because we got close and then things kind of just.... crashed. why am i so emotional? and why am i feeling so much pain and sadness? i just want her companion ship, but i wonder if it’s because she won’t give it to me that i crave it even more. i wish. that she would crave it, and i know she does, but she won’t show it. she’s repressing it, and it makes me really sad. because i’ve never gotten this lucky. she’s really cute AND she studies the same stuff as me and is also interested in video games and is filipino. it just feels so good to finally be with someone who i can fucking vibe with for once that i’m also attracted to. that just never ever happens. they’re either pretty and boring or they’re fucking dope but unattractive to me. liezl, please, don’t disappear on me. i can’t even begin to explain without sounding like a crazy person, otherwise i would message her. i wish we could be friends that fuck and see eachother. i would risk it all just to replay it all (maybe that’s bad) but i just keep wanting more, to see if we would get along platonically. and to try to build a friendship. but she doesn’t want that... and i’m having trouble balancing between respecting that and still trying to reach out to her. it really really fucking s u c k s .... i feel so lonely. i feel like the timing is always so shitty. who knows, maybe we’ll meet again in the future. but i’m so doubtful now. and idk if i’d want to be with her later knowing how things ended now. i’m just hella sad because i feel so helpless. and i can’t do anything, and anything that i do might just drive her away for good. i fucking suck. i did everything i believed was the best. but it drives me crazy. every single day. i can’t stop thinking about her. is that really the power of sex and physical intimacy? i wish things could’ve been better. i wish, i could just be happy. i wish i could just feel less lonely. all you keep saying is “it’s a bad time in my life”, and if so, why won’t you let me be there for you? makes me hella sad.
i should’ve let her know how much i appreciated it for her to come out and talk for me. maybe i can still. i’m just so insecure because she hasn’t responded to my last text message. maybe i’ll try again next week, but i really don’t want to keep putting myself through this.
kevin told me if i get the chance to talk to her i should let her know that i really appreciate her as a friend, and that i’m fine with ending it, but i just wanna let you know that i’m someone that you can come and talk to when you need.
but i can’t. i don’t even know if i can offer that when i need that myself too. it’s so shitty, but at the end of the day, i can’t be the only person in this. i’m a girl too and i need you to catch me. i need to stop thinking about her and wane off of it. it’s so hard though, because i always seek what i can’t have... think about it, i craved jenna, i craved angela, all girls i could never have. but when gillian loved me, i just dumped her like that. and annabelle was obsessed with me, and i just ghosted her after leaving for taiwan. i’m such a shitty person. i wonder if that’s just the way that my brain is programmed. to want what i can’t have. maybe if liezl was actually down for a relationship, i wouldn’t even want her and would end up leaving her because of her issues with anxiety and drugs. maybe i would leave because i couldn’t handle it. i’ll never know, but for some reason, i always seek out the most troublesome relationships. maybe not trouble some relationships, but the most complicated fucked up lonely people that always end up pushing me away because they want to go through things alone. that’s how my dad is, and maybe i’m fucked up thinking that this is the type of relationship i’m supposed to have. someone that always ends up leaving me and keeping me at bay and not sharing their feelings and opening up to me. i’m so fucked up for finding fulfillment in such lonely relationships. maybe it’s because i want the distance too. i’m afraid of getting close as well, so i seek people who distance themselves. i am. i truly am. i did have thoughts of ghosting liezl in the beginning just to avoid the pain, but i decided to jump ship again and fucking take the risk. because i was brave, i still didn’t get what i wanted. it’s fucked up because my brain is probably expecting an award for being brave, but i need to keep reminding myself that this shit isn’t a game. you don’t just win for effort. that’s what fucking sucks about relationships. you can try so hard, and just make things worse in the end. fuck it. relationships aren’t worth trying so hard after all then perhaps. i can’t do this anymore. maybe liezl was trying to save me. to have me dodge a bullet of a storm she would’ve brought into my life. that’s me trying to see the brighter side of it. but either way, i hate that she did that because she didn’t even give me a fucking choice.
