#lifefucksmeup

[worldofcitylife]

Life be like

Me: *walking happily through the the world with a balloon of happiness*

Life: ....

Me: .......Don't hurt me

Life: *pops balloon*

Me: arE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

Life: muahahahahahaahahahahaahaa

[praecipua-alphecca-blog]

Soooooo I’ve got nowhere to go to. 

Awesome. Great. Love this so much.

I’ll explain the story: About 7 months ago, I met a boy. He was very nice and all and I liked him (as a friend!). We starting whatsapping and he was very, very nice to me. I soon found out that he was in love with me. At that time, he hadn’t confessed yet, but it was quite obvious. I started to panic, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings (because I was (and still am) not in love with him). So in a rush I started calling him my best friend. 

So here we are, I’ve got a best friend that is in love with me. He has confessed now and all, I mean he has really said to me “I love you” and I explained to him that I didn’t feel the same for him and bla bla bla. But okay, on to the real deal here: I tell him (almost) everything. And that kills him. Like literally!

He feels bad for himself because he can’t stop me from harming myself and he can’t make me feel less depressed. I do feel sorry for him, but I have got no other person to go to. He starts feeling so bad that he is started to become depressed himself too, and that was seriously my biggest fear,

Before I had told him all about my life and stuff, he was a happy kid that has never been through something depressing. He was the kind of boy that was afraid of death, and that starts to feel sick when you start to talk about self harm or killing yourself. I have got no problems with that of course! It is just that I totally changed that boy. He never asked for this and I seriously ruined is life. 

I’ve got friends that are depressed and I know how it feels to just sit there and have to watch it all happen without being able to help. It kills you from inside. Seriously.

But I have been stupid enough to, for some reason, think that it would kill him from inside. For some reason he would be able to handle it ll and he would feel all great and happy after I would have told him that I hurt myself again.

Of course he can’t! He is a fucking human being too and I am so extremely stupid! Because I think that he is very insecure, even though he doesn’t want to confess that. But I am afraid that I caused that too. That I made him insecure, because I have been reallymean to him! I always told him that he should stand up straight because then he would look more attractive and all that stuff. 

i accept everybody the way they are, except for him.

He is insecure as fuck and every time that I tell him that i feel bad because I make him depressed, he gets mad at himself because he isn’t being a good friend (that’s what he tells himself). But I am afraid that he will start to cut himself soon, or that he is becoming even more suicidal because he feels like he is being a bad friend.

So I don’t know what to do, if I tell him that I feel bad for him, he starts to feel bad about himself and then he gets depressed.

If I keep telling him everything he starts to feel bad for himself becuse he can’t help me.

If I do not tell him anything at all, he will probably become more happy again and think that I am fine. But then I will burst out in tears once because I have got nobody to tell everything to.

So I need to find a new person to talk to, because I kind of “need” a reaction, I know it is stupid. 

Life fucks me up so bad.